It's been a while, old friend

Haven't blogged in a while. Honestly, I was going through some things that I didn't want to write about it because then if I write them down, I am putting them out there into the universe. And frankly, I needed to hide for a bit. I know it will sound horrible but I even stopped going to church for a while. I was hiding and running away from everything, which is so ridiculous when you think about it because I can't hide from God and I certainly cannot hide from myself. But I tried to. Avoidance is such a cop-out. SMH...I am so disappointed in myself for being this way.

Then when I felt it was ready for me to come out of my cave, BAM! My dad passed away. It was sudden and so unexpected. He called me 2 hours before his death, leaving me a voicemail to tell me some normal stuff, letting me know he was on his way to Syracuse and would call me later (he was a driver for Greyhound). Then I got the call that I don't wish anyone to get. My step-mom telling me that he had a heart attack while he was on the road and he didn't make it.

He has been celebrated as a hero since he immediately radioed in when he was not feeling well and told Dispatch he was pulling over to get some air during his drive to Syracuse. He pulled over, told the passengers he was stepping outside for a min for air, stepped off the bus and collapsed. He had a massive heart attack and died instantly. There were 24 passengers on that bus. It could have been so much worse had he not pulled over.

It's been 3 weeks and 3 days. My heart is still broken. He was not just my dad. He was my friend. Oh how I wish I could have one more conversation with him. See him one more time. His death has really jolted me awake in a sense. Honestly, it's proof that one day you're here and then the next, you're not.

People keep telling me I will get thru this in time. Honestly, I have accepted the fact that I will never get thru this. BUT. I will learn to live my life and accept that he's gone. But right now, I am still in that disbelief stage. I refuse to let myself breakdown. I cannot believe he is gone. And no matter how much people say they know how I feel, I disagree. I appreciate everyone trying to comfort me but I feel suffocated. I just need space and time.

I also learned the hard way that in times like this, you really see who your friends are. And when people say they are there for you and will help you if you need anything, that it is not true for everyone. They're just saying that because they don't know what else to say. And that's the right thing to say, I guess. Besides the usual "I'm sorry for your loss." But I did realize how many people do love me which has been very humbling and comforting. However, I can't help but see the ones who were fake, not there and just acted like they don't care. And I hate that I am giving them airtime in my brain because I should be focusing on those who have been there. I guess this is another facet of the situation on the whole and what I am going thru. So many emotions...anger, guilt, sadness, pain and joy when I think of the memories I have. I can still hear his voice and I remember his smile.

3 weeks and 3 days...it may seem like a long time but it is not to me. I count Sundays now because he died on a Sunday. And I think I will be counting Sundays for a while. I miss my dad...I miss my friend. That is all.