Powered by Blogger.
Sometimes we want to wait for that perfect moment to do something great or we wait until life is a little better to do this or that. We wait and wait, not realizing that we are wasting precious time because tomorrow is promised to no one. The key to life is blooming where you're planted. You have to take advantage of the NOW and be the best person you can be. Because where you are now is not by chance. Everything happens for a reason. If you are in a dark place, it is because you are being tested. Tap into that inner strength within and you can get through anything that comes your way. Life is not perfect and isn't meant to be perfect. Sometimes we have to have a breakdown to have a breakthrough...
Some of the greatest success stories have come from people who were almost at rock bottom and they decided they wanted better in their life. They didn't wait until their life got better or circumstances got easier. They just decided to go for it NOW. Sometimes setbacks and disappointments are blessings because they are happening to show you that perhaps that was not meant for you and that instead something or someone better is meant to come into your life.
Right now, I am going through some changes in my life and am tempted to be sad about it. I will have my moment but then I have to keep moving on and continuing to live my life. My life doesn't stop just because I don't like the place I am in within it at the moment. My life doesn't stop because I have lost someone or things are not going my way. It just means that while I thought I needed these things and people, I was wrong. It was not meant to be. But that does not mean I cannot grow or flourish where I am now. I will learn the lesson and keep on taking the tests of life but as I do this, I will try to be happy as much as I can.
So seize the moment! Live your life to the fullest. Push yourself to have fearless moments. Most of all, be happy where you are and know that you are in this place for a reason. And if it is a dark time, it won't last forever. And you will emerge stronger and better than ever. As the saying goes, life is a test but pain is the teacher. I don't know about you but I'm trying to get all As in my life or at least, try to. :)
"I suppose we have to fall apart sometimes so that things can fall into place again." ~ Steph from the wonderful blog Bloom Where You Are Planted.
Some of the greatest success stories have come from people who were almost at rock bottom and they decided they wanted better in their life. They didn't wait until their life got better or circumstances got easier. They just decided to go for it NOW. Sometimes setbacks and disappointments are blessings because they are happening to show you that perhaps that was not meant for you and that instead something or someone better is meant to come into your life.
Right now, I am going through some changes in my life and am tempted to be sad about it. I will have my moment but then I have to keep moving on and continuing to live my life. My life doesn't stop just because I don't like the place I am in within it at the moment. My life doesn't stop because I have lost someone or things are not going my way. It just means that while I thought I needed these things and people, I was wrong. It was not meant to be. But that does not mean I cannot grow or flourish where I am now. I will learn the lesson and keep on taking the tests of life but as I do this, I will try to be happy as much as I can.
So seize the moment! Live your life to the fullest. Push yourself to have fearless moments. Most of all, be happy where you are and know that you are in this place for a reason. And if it is a dark time, it won't last forever. And you will emerge stronger and better than ever. As the saying goes, life is a test but pain is the teacher. I don't know about you but I'm trying to get all As in my life or at least, try to. :)
It’s hard being single, especially when you get into your 30’s
and 40’s, Believe me, this I know. For many of us, there’s that pressure of
settling down, maybe having kids. I know for me, I expected to be married with
kids already at this stage of my life. But here I am, single with no kids at
the age of 41.
Ironically, it seems as if every guy I date wants to knock me
up. It’s like I’m this mythical creature, this unicorn amongst single women…the
40-something year old woman who has no kids and is a good catch. You can see it in their eyes when I tell them I have no kids. It's like they get starry-eyed, lol. And it becomes a challenge to them to be the one who knocked me up. It's crazy when you think about it. The offers
have been tempting but yeah, going to have to pass. I think I am going to hold out until I meet the one because I think I am worth having the whole package and not just being someone's baby mama.
What I have learned in dating is that it is so important to
know your self-worth and value. If you don’t know how much you’re worth, you
will have failed relationships and keep dating and meeting the same type of person
in different shoes. This happens because if you don’t know your worth, you will
settle for the first person who comes along. You will deal with being treated
crappy. You will let someone mistreat you because you think you don’t deserve
better and that you might not find someone else better.
The way we see ourselves and our worth totally relies on the
story we tell ourselves. If we tell ourselves we are not worthy or when we tell ourselves that we need to be with someone because we are lonely... I could go on... that becomes
who we are and others see that. That is how you attract the wrong person. We live
in a world where there are good men and women but there are also a lot of
players and users out there. You can’t distinguish between the two if you
don’t even hold yourself in high regard.
What I have learned the hard way is that you never have to
PROVE your worth to someone. What I mean by that is forcing the other person to
like or be into you by going out of your way to do things for them and just basically
chasing that person after that person shows you they are not interested. If that person is not interested, he/she is
not interested. Nothing you can do will change that. And if you have to prove
your value to someone, they are not right for you. The right person will know
your value and will cherish that. They will respect that and will honor you.
Basically what you're doing is letting this other person use you. If the person is a good person, they will let you know upfront that they are not interested. If the person is a player or user, they know they can control you now because you will do anything you can to keep them. Not a good place to be. You never want to give someone else the power over you. I don't care if they're fantastic in bed or are good company. You can't look at the bits they are giving you...you have to look at the big picture. Are they truly fulfilling you and your needs? Are you always the one calling or doing things for them and not getting the same treatment in return? Are they always calling, wanting you to do something for them? We can make excuses for them but at the end of the day, if they really valued your worth and honored you, there would be no question of your standing in their life.
It all starts with YOU. You have to know your value,
your worth. You have to tell yourself the story of how great a catch you are.
And you have to believe that story. Once you believe, the rest is gravy. Just
be you. Don’t worry about a thing. Just let go of trying to control the
situation and see what happens. Trust me, you will be surprised.
For me, once I stopped trying to prove my value to my ex, it
was as if the blinders came off. He still tried to come back but on his terms,
when he wanted something. But I saw that he didn’t cherish or honor me. I was
not a priority to him. He wanted what he wanted from me and that’s it. And I
allowed him to mistreat me because I didn’t know my full worth. I allowed him
to disrespect me. That happened because I was worrying too much about time. I
was worrying about my biological clock and was trying to control the situation
in order to make it happen NOW. He was
there; he was willing to give me a child BUT he was not willing to give me
everything I needed. I was settling because of my worrying over my age.
Now, as I look forward to my 42nd birthday in 12
days, I am not worried. Things will happen when they are meant to happen. And I
know my worth. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I just have to be me and
live life as best as I can. I am confident that I will get that family one day.
It’ll be a little later than I thought but it will come.
The Charles Dickens classic has always been a favorite of mine since I was a kid. I kind of felt like Pip as I grew up because my parents had such great expectations of me...which I think I fulfilled with being the first one in my family to go to college and doing things in my life that my parents have never done. But those expectations expected of me also made me become this person who expects a lot from others. I feel like if I can live up to my own expectations then those around me should as well. And I have come to realize that while I can have great expectations of myself, it is not fair for me to place great expectations on people in general.
This past year I have struggled with acceptance. I never realized how much of a control freak I was until my dad died. I have spent the last year working on acceptance. Accepting things beyond my control and letting go. It is not easy but taking it one day at a time has helped me to let go little by little. One of the things I struggle with is my high expectations of people. And I see now that those expectations are what caused many of my friendships and relationships to fail. I give up on people too easily, out of frustration at my expectations not being met. And I had to really be honest with myself...I cannot expect others to be like me. I can only be like me. I have to be accountable for me. I control me.
It's a hard pill to swallow, especially in relationships. We are all told we are worthy of great relationships and we should never settle. But when we set great, sometimes unrealistic, expectations for that significant other, we are setting up that relationship for failure. It's okay for you to expect things like love and respect. But the expectations cannot supercede the situation. If a person really loves you, that person will show you in their actions. I believe that in a great relationship, expectations are met without even setting them, if that makes sense. If someone is into you, they will call, they will text, they will write, they will make an effort to see you...they will move mountains to be with you. but they will so without you even setting those expectations. I guess what I am trying to say is it's better to enjoy the moment, go with the flow and see where it goes. Don't expect anything upfront because you are already trying to control the situation for someone else. If they want to be with you, they know what to do without any prodding. And if their actions say otherwise, then you know it's time to keep it moving.
That is what I am working on accepting at the moment. People are human and will make mistakes. But I can't just look at one mistake and walk away. I have to look at the person overall and who they are. What their actions are telling me...at the end of the day, it's your choice. When you take your expectations out of the mix and really look at the situation, you can then make a solid decision on whether or not to walk away.
And I have to say, it's been pretty awesome living in the moment...there is no right or wrong when it comes to how to live your life...as long as you're happy and not hurting anyone, that's what counts. Every morning when I wake up, I think of my dad and how he woke up that morning, having no idea that was the last day of his life. And I think to myself, well, if this is the last day of my life, I am going to live it as fully as I can. That is all we can do. Because we plan and plan but honestly, the future is not guaranteed. Only this moment, right now.
This past year I have struggled with acceptance. I never realized how much of a control freak I was until my dad died. I have spent the last year working on acceptance. Accepting things beyond my control and letting go. It is not easy but taking it one day at a time has helped me to let go little by little. One of the things I struggle with is my high expectations of people. And I see now that those expectations are what caused many of my friendships and relationships to fail. I give up on people too easily, out of frustration at my expectations not being met. And I had to really be honest with myself...I cannot expect others to be like me. I can only be like me. I have to be accountable for me. I control me.
It's a hard pill to swallow, especially in relationships. We are all told we are worthy of great relationships and we should never settle. But when we set great, sometimes unrealistic, expectations for that significant other, we are setting up that relationship for failure. It's okay for you to expect things like love and respect. But the expectations cannot supercede the situation. If a person really loves you, that person will show you in their actions. I believe that in a great relationship, expectations are met without even setting them, if that makes sense. If someone is into you, they will call, they will text, they will write, they will make an effort to see you...they will move mountains to be with you. but they will so without you even setting those expectations. I guess what I am trying to say is it's better to enjoy the moment, go with the flow and see where it goes. Don't expect anything upfront because you are already trying to control the situation for someone else. If they want to be with you, they know what to do without any prodding. And if their actions say otherwise, then you know it's time to keep it moving.
That is what I am working on accepting at the moment. People are human and will make mistakes. But I can't just look at one mistake and walk away. I have to look at the person overall and who they are. What their actions are telling me...at the end of the day, it's your choice. When you take your expectations out of the mix and really look at the situation, you can then make a solid decision on whether or not to walk away.
And I have to say, it's been pretty awesome living in the moment...there is no right or wrong when it comes to how to live your life...as long as you're happy and not hurting anyone, that's what counts. Every morning when I wake up, I think of my dad and how he woke up that morning, having no idea that was the last day of his life. And I think to myself, well, if this is the last day of my life, I am going to live it as fully as I can. That is all we can do. Because we plan and plan but honestly, the future is not guaranteed. Only this moment, right now.
Fashion, to me, is yet another way for me to express myself and make myself happy. A new outfit can heal the soul and put a pep in your step, let me tell you. With Full Figured Fashion Week(tm) NYC coming up in two months and with me on the production team, I really have been trying to get all my outfits together for all the events I'm attending.
Igigi by Yuliya Raquel is one of my favorite designers. However, at this moment, all I can do is admire the dresses from afar because I am on a tight budget these days. Side note: thank goodness I bought my white dress for the white-on-white cruise back in October while in Canada where it was on sale and a major buy. Yes, outfits for FFF Week 2012 have been on my mind since last summer, lol. The key here is that you want to look fabulous but don't want to be wearing the same thing as someone else.
So here are my dream dresses at the moment:
The Renata Dress in Deep Fuchsia, available in sizes 12 - 30/32, $160
There's just something about ruching and draping that can make a body look good, lol. Especially if you have a waist and an hourglass figure. If I ever wore this dress, I am sure there will be people passing out because it would be me stepping outside the box. But I love it...love the fabric, love the color and love that the length is just below the knee. And I am all about challenging myself and stepping outside the box. You only live once!
The Marquette Dress, available in sizes 12 - 30/32, $165
I love black, I love sequins, I love a great v-neck. 'Nuff said. I know that if I wore this dress, I would hear Rupaul's Covergirl playing in my head as I walked, lol.
The Becca Dress, available in sizes 12 - 30/32, $165
I have always wanted to try the one-shoulder trend but the thought of wearing a strapless bra scares me since I am not small on top. So when I saw this dress, I thought this was the perfect alternative to a one-shoulder. And even if you are a little sketchy about showing your full arm, I think this is a perfect way for you to take baby steps on bearing arms. The detail on the shoulder is FABULOUS! Fabric looks wonderful and flattering. Love it!
Now let me just say that under $200 for a great event dress that goes up to 30/32 is a great deal. However, for me, I can get a whole wardrobe for $165 but that's me, the couponista/recessionista, lol. But if you have the money and need a fabulous dress, you should check Igigi out. I always said that if I came into some serious money, I would buy every dress. And I have heard others say the same thing. My friend Aja from Belle-Noir Magazine talks about Igigi all the time and she recently wore a dress of theirs to a wedding and looked FABULOUS. Their tailoring is impeccable, fabrics used are amazing and their customer service is top notch. You will not be disappointed.
Enough of me sounding like a commercial....lol. Can't help it...when I love something, I want to shout it out. So what's your fearless fashion of the moment? I would love to hear about it - I'm always looking for new places to shop and pieces to check out.
Your life is like your blank canvas. It is up to you to choose the colors, start drawing and create your own masterpiece! (my own personal quote that I live by and wanted to share with all of you.
Be fearless!
Every week, I decided to post The Fearless Files, which will contain either a tip, a suggestion or anything great that I feel is worthy of being known about, talked about and filed away in your fearless files to be used when needed, which might be all the time, lol.
This morning, I was watching Oprah's interview with Lady Gaga and her mom on DVR. I have been traveling so I have lots to catch up on DVR. Now first off, I have to say, Lady Gaga's mother is fierce. The woman is beautiful, strong and just amazing. I want her hair. Seriously.
So Lady Gaga's mom tells Oprah that after watching an episode of her show, she started a gratitude journal. This got me thinking - I like Oprah but have not seen very episode. So I shamefully admit that I had never heard of the gratitude journal before. You learn something new everyday. So I googled it and found lots of information on it.
Basically, it's a journal that you write in daily and just write what you're grateful for on that day. It takes a few minutes but does wonders to your life. When you show your gratitude and appreciation for those people and things in your life that you already have, you become a magnet for positive energy and vibrations. People don't understand how important energy is. The energy that surrounds you affects your attitude towards life. And that is what determines how you live your life. If you're in the midst of a pity party and the words "can't", "won't", "don't", "not", and "no" are constantly in your vocabulary, no wonder your life is in a dire state! You're focusing on what you don't have and ignoring the greatness you already have. Even if it's one person or one thing, your life is not completely over. You're still breathing for a reason. Your life is yours to create. And it starts with a positive attitude...it starts with saying "I can!". The more you say that, the more you will believe it.
So I love the idea of a gratitude journal because it is a way to put your gratitude out to the world...send that positive energy out. It's one of the greatest things you can do for yourself. As Oprah says, get into the habit of appreciating things instead of focusing on what you don't have.
I'm starting mine today. A friend gave me the most beautiful notebook a while back that I have not used because I did not want to use it just to write any old thing. So this notebook is going to become my gratitude journal. And I plan to share my gratitude journal with my descendants (including my nieces and my goddaughter). Gotta keep that gratitude going!
This morning, I was watching Oprah's interview with Lady Gaga and her mom on DVR. I have been traveling so I have lots to catch up on DVR. Now first off, I have to say, Lady Gaga's mother is fierce. The woman is beautiful, strong and just amazing. I want her hair. Seriously.
So Lady Gaga's mom tells Oprah that after watching an episode of her show, she started a gratitude journal. This got me thinking - I like Oprah but have not seen very episode. So I shamefully admit that I had never heard of the gratitude journal before. You learn something new everyday. So I googled it and found lots of information on it.
Basically, it's a journal that you write in daily and just write what you're grateful for on that day. It takes a few minutes but does wonders to your life. When you show your gratitude and appreciation for those people and things in your life that you already have, you become a magnet for positive energy and vibrations. People don't understand how important energy is. The energy that surrounds you affects your attitude towards life. And that is what determines how you live your life. If you're in the midst of a pity party and the words "can't", "won't", "don't", "not", and "no" are constantly in your vocabulary, no wonder your life is in a dire state! You're focusing on what you don't have and ignoring the greatness you already have. Even if it's one person or one thing, your life is not completely over. You're still breathing for a reason. Your life is yours to create. And it starts with a positive attitude...it starts with saying "I can!". The more you say that, the more you will believe it.
So I love the idea of a gratitude journal because it is a way to put your gratitude out to the world...send that positive energy out. It's one of the greatest things you can do for yourself. As Oprah says, get into the habit of appreciating things instead of focusing on what you don't have.
I'm starting mine today. A friend gave me the most beautiful notebook a while back that I have not used because I did not want to use it just to write any old thing. So this notebook is going to become my gratitude journal. And I plan to share my gratitude journal with my descendants (including my nieces and my goddaughter). Gotta keep that gratitude going!
My gratitude journal. Isn't the cover awesome? :)
It's been 2 weeks since I blogged. I had not planned on that long of a blogging absence but things have been kind of crazy in my life. The theme of my life lately has been me listening to my inner voice more. I even blogged about it on my Fearless Fridays column on the Belle-Noir magazine blog. For so many years, I have ignored that little voice in the back of my head, telling me I was making a wrong choice or going the wrong way on my path in life. But I ignored that voice and kept going...ended up in a relationship with someone that wasn't right for me, ended up in a job that was not my calling, ended up remaining friends with people who I should have let go a long time ago...I could go on. I know I'm not the only one. You're probably sitting there, nodding your head along with me.
If only life could be simple! But it never is. And part of that problem is that we make things more complicated by resisting the inevitable. We want what we want when we want it, no matter what. And there will be times when those things we want are not meant for us. I think if we all stopped for a moment and actually listened to our inner voice, life would be less complicated. We need to trust our intuition more because it is never wrong. We may not like what it says sometimes but it is never wrong.
So my inner voice is telling me to continue writing and make some career/personal changes this year. I need to let go of some baggage that I have been holding onto for longer than I was supposed to. Baggage are the things/people that come into your life for a season and when they are meant to leave, they should be let go. When they are not let go when the season is over, those things become baggage. And if you carry too much baggage, you buckle under the weight and can't handle any more coming your way. No bueno. Plus, there's only one carry-on allowed on the flight. You don't want that plane to leave you behind - you want to get on that plane to the next adventure in your life.
My inner voice is also telling me to fiercely be me despite what anyone says. Lately, I have been getting some flack on how I am not this or that and that I need to be a little more this or that. And my inner voice is screaming NO!!! My inner voice is telling me, "You are perfect just the way you are. It's just that who you are is sometimes not understood by some and is not in line with what they want you to be to benefit them. But at the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself. Because YOU have to live with yourself...YOU have to look yourself in the mirror and be happy with who YOU are. So those other people? They can kick rocks." My inner voice is pretty kick-ass, lol. I should have been listening to that voice a long time ago. Well, better late than ever. :)
If only life could be simple! But it never is. And part of that problem is that we make things more complicated by resisting the inevitable. We want what we want when we want it, no matter what. And there will be times when those things we want are not meant for us. I think if we all stopped for a moment and actually listened to our inner voice, life would be less complicated. We need to trust our intuition more because it is never wrong. We may not like what it says sometimes but it is never wrong.
So my inner voice is telling me to continue writing and make some career/personal changes this year. I need to let go of some baggage that I have been holding onto for longer than I was supposed to. Baggage are the things/people that come into your life for a season and when they are meant to leave, they should be let go. When they are not let go when the season is over, those things become baggage. And if you carry too much baggage, you buckle under the weight and can't handle any more coming your way. No bueno. Plus, there's only one carry-on allowed on the flight. You don't want that plane to leave you behind - you want to get on that plane to the next adventure in your life.
My inner voice is also telling me to fiercely be me despite what anyone says. Lately, I have been getting some flack on how I am not this or that and that I need to be a little more this or that. And my inner voice is screaming NO!!! My inner voice is telling me, "You are perfect just the way you are. It's just that who you are is sometimes not understood by some and is not in line with what they want you to be to benefit them. But at the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself. Because YOU have to live with yourself...YOU have to look yourself in the mirror and be happy with who YOU are. So those other people? They can kick rocks." My inner voice is pretty kick-ass, lol. I should have been listening to that voice a long time ago. Well, better late than ever. :)
We learn lessons daily, some minor and some major - for me, when I travel, for some reason, getting out of my norm really helps me to see the lesson that needs to be learned. I'm more hungry now more than ever to learn these lessons because honestly, I feel like I woke up when my dad died. A sudden, unexpected death, especially when it's someone who you think will live forever, will wake you up and place you into a state of reality. It has always sounded cliche to me but the saying "Life is too short." is so true. We have to embrace the now. These moments are all we have. Because you don't know where you will be tomorrow. This is the state of reality I am in now and I'm embracing it.
My lessons learned this week are:
I'm starting to get my travel bug back in full force. This desire within me to visit places far, far away is becoming greater. Despite not having a steady exuberant income or a significant other to share the experiences with, I fully believe I can go to Argentina or Africa or Australia and have the time of my life. Anything is possible. I'm just feeling this fire again. I don't know how I got it back but I'm not questioning it, lol.
My lessons learned this week are:
- Stop mourning the loss of seasonal friends. If someone is a lifelong friend, they will never leave your side, no matter how tough things get or how life changes. The friendship will grow and change with these circumstances. When a season ends, a new one begins with new friends. There is no use wasting time, crying over friends who are no longer in your life. Letting go is hard but once you do, you feel lighter because you have let go of unnecessary emotional baggage.
- With lifelong friends, you have to appreciate them as much as you can. Because they are gifts in your life. The other day, I looked at my best friend Herman and I really wanted to cry because so many emotions flooded my heart. He has done so much for me - I don't think he really knows how much I love him. He is the one person who knows me 100% and loves me as I am. He doesn't get annoyed by my anxiety and how I sometimes act a certain way. He takes care of me, even more so now that my dad is gone. My dad was the type of person that if he liked you and admired you, that was a big deal because he just did not dole out accolades like that. When my step-mom met Herman at my dad's funeral, she said "So you're Herman!?! Wow, I am so happy to meet you. Danny always talked about you and he never worried about Marcy when she was with you. Thank you so much for being so good to her." That meant the world to me. Also, the fact that Herman took a day off of work to drive 2 hours each way on a Tuesday to come to the funeral. He's a great friend indeed.
- Stop worrying about what others think. This one is self-explanatory, lol.
- Always be you and never be afraid to be you in front of anyone. If they can't accept you for who you are, they're not worth it anyway.
I'm starting to get my travel bug back in full force. This desire within me to visit places far, far away is becoming greater. Despite not having a steady exuberant income or a significant other to share the experiences with, I fully believe I can go to Argentina or Africa or Australia and have the time of my life. Anything is possible. I'm just feeling this fire again. I don't know how I got it back but I'm not questioning it, lol.
So the last week has been insane and I have not been blogging as I would like to. But I did want to post an update to my last post regarding my health scare. I noticed it was the most read post ever on this blog, which makes me happy because it is so important for us to share our stories and educate others in the process. Going to the doctor for preventive reasons is so important. We have to keep up with how our bodies are doing no matter how scared we are of knowing the unknown. You might just save yourself a major disease or ailment by finding out early on thru preventive doctor visits.
As for me, after 5 days of no Motrin, caffeine, alcohol and meds, my blood pressure has gone down dramatically. I didn't post it before but when I went to the doctor the first time, my blood pressure was 259/126. He was surprised I had not had a stroke yet. **gasps** It is now down to 189/93. So I am getting there. Doctor gave me another pill to accompany the one I am already taking and he gave me the green light to some activity. But I still have to remain calm and not stress out too much. And I also found out I am anemic. I had no idea.
I'm feeling good, though! The heart palpitations are gone. I'm still going to the cardiologist next week to get an echo and make sure that any damage to my heart murmur is not bad. I have my fingers crossed. But I have also made the promise to myself to never let myself get to this point ever again. I love myself way too much to kill myself unintentionally by not taking care of myself.
So with that said, happy Friday! Hug yourself today and do something that makes you smile. The weekend is upon us! :)
As for me, after 5 days of no Motrin, caffeine, alcohol and meds, my blood pressure has gone down dramatically. I didn't post it before but when I went to the doctor the first time, my blood pressure was 259/126. He was surprised I had not had a stroke yet. **gasps** It is now down to 189/93. So I am getting there. Doctor gave me another pill to accompany the one I am already taking and he gave me the green light to some activity. But I still have to remain calm and not stress out too much. And I also found out I am anemic. I had no idea.
I'm feeling good, though! The heart palpitations are gone. I'm still going to the cardiologist next week to get an echo and make sure that any damage to my heart murmur is not bad. I have my fingers crossed. But I have also made the promise to myself to never let myself get to this point ever again. I love myself way too much to kill myself unintentionally by not taking care of myself.
So with that said, happy Friday! Hug yourself today and do something that makes you smile. The weekend is upon us! :)
Sunday was always a day where I gave thanks. But that stopped when my dad died. On a Sunday. I started counting the Sundays that came after the day of his death, Sunday, April 10, 2011. But today I woke up feeling renewed and for the first time, I didn't count this Sunday, I gave thanks. It's a great feeling.
This past week has been crazy but life-changing. And what I am about to write about is hard because there are some things that a person does not want to talk about publicly because of fear of backlash and negative feedback. But I believe now that it is my responsibility to share regardless. I mean, the title of this blog is Fearlessly Just Me, lol. Christine Arylo said it best in her book Choosing Me before We:
If we are lucky enough to to wake up to the immense power we have to create our lives, we have a responsibility to share our stories and insights with others. Otherwise, the true power of our realizations is lost. Sharing allows us to see ourselves in the words of others, gain witnesses to our personal journey, and broaden the possibilities that lie before us. Through sharing, we as women can provide the emotional inspiration that others can use to eliminate the "shoulds", the "musts", and the "cannots" that bar their way to creating the kind of lives and relationships, they truly desire. (pg xii, Prologue)
So here goes...I haven't had health insurance for about 2 years. When I needed medical treatment, I just went to the local clinic and paid a fee. But that was only when needed - emergencies. But I have not had a physical in 2 years. I know that sounds horrible but it is actually the norm in America. So many of us don't have health insurance. The ones hardest hit are those, who like me, were laid off and go on unemployment and are single with no dependents. We have the option to sign up for COBRA but it's so expensive that many of us can't. But on the other side of the spectrum, we "earn" too much via unemployment to be eligible for Medicaid. So we go without health insurance and just make due with local clinics and (in some cities), hospitals who offer low-cost health care. When I voiced my disgruntlement over this, I was told by quite a few city and state employees in the "system" that I was better off getting pregnant because then I would hit the jackpot in terms of benefits available to me. It's sad when the system promotes having kids as a way to get benefits. But I digress...
In the past two years, being as clumsy and accident-prone as I am, I have had a few mishaps, which led me to the doctor. There was that time I tripped, while holding a file folder and that file folder ended up flying back and jabbing me in the eye. I ended up with a cornea abrasion. Ouch. There was that other time I accidentally slammed my left index finger in a car door and ended up losing a nail, which thankfully grew back in 6 months. I could go on. But I never took the time to go to the doctor, just because. And I think many of us are guilty of that. We only go when we need to or when we are forced to. By then, sometimes it's too late. We can prevent so many illnesses and medical conditions if we go to the doctor regularly and not just when we need to.
I finally qualified for medicaid in last month because my unemployment benefits ran out and now I am freelancing (writing, tutoring kids, and other projects). I was still hesitant to go to the doctor until...one night, I started having heart palpitations. And frankly, it scared the shit out of me. My dad died from congestive heart failure and I was born with a heart murmur. Not to mention the fact that I am overweight. So I made an appointment the next morning and went in this past week.
Now, for being an overweight person, I am active and feel good. I have been healthy for most of my life aside from some allergies, mild asthma and my heart murmur. No diabetes or anything like that. So I was not prepared when the doctor looked at me with the most concerned face I have ever seen on someone and told me that I had VERY high blood pressure, which was causing the heart palpitations. It was affecting my heart murmur. Huh? How can this be? I eat healthy and I take care of myself.
Well, I found out some interesting things. First, I needed to stop taking Motrin, which has been my over the counter drug of choice for YEARS, because it elevates blood pressure. I had no idea. I take Motrin all the time. Second, I need to stop drinking alcohol. Alcohol elevates your blood pressure. I'm a social drinker so I don't drink all the time. But I love a beer or glass of wine here and there and have at least 1-2 beers or 2 glasses of wine every other day. Third, my anxiety and stress levels are affecting my blood pressure. Lastly, no more caffeine...no coffee, no soda, reg or diet (which is a habit I have been working on kicking for the last 2 months and am getting there).
So doctor orders: No more motrin (Tylenol instead), no alcohol, no caffeine and I have to learn to calm myself and not stress out. Lastly, he ordered me not to exercise or do anything that will cause my heart to race until I get my blood pressure down. He told me that if I get chest pain or shortness of breath, to call 911. Now if a doctor tells an overweight person NOT to exercise, that's serious. And then to tell me to call 911 if those things he said happen, well, I just about fainted. I left the office and honestly, stood at the bus stop, called my best friend Herman and cried. I love to power walk and dance and play Just Dance or the The MJ Experience on the Wii. I can't do any of those things right now.
It was truly a wake-up call. I'm now on meds for my blood pressure. But it was a blessing that I am thankful for. Had I not gone to the doctor, I could have died. I realized that I could not go on the way that I have been going. I'm not a calm person by any means, lol. I'm always on the go and just don't have the patience to deal with foolery. I can be high-strung and I know it's my anxiety. So now I have to constantly talk to myself and tell myself to not rush and calm down. I practice breathing techniques and am making a conscious effort to relax. I used to laugh at my friend who meditates and acts like he's the Dalai Lama but seriously, he's onto something.
Now I know some of you will say that, of course, I have high blood pressure. I am overweight and that's the cause. But that is not the only thing that can cause it. And overweight people aren't the only ones who have high blood pressure. Everyone can have this issue. And that's why I felt I had to write about this and put my business out there. I wanted to shed light on the importance of going to the doctor and also knowing what you put in your body, whether it's meds or food. Always research everything. Look at labels on foods. Google any meds you take, even over the counter ones. Know what you are putting into your body, no matter what your size. I personally am going to start fully adapting the DASH diet into my lifestyle. I eat healthy now but I have to take it a step up.
So with that said, I realized that if I truly love myself, I will take care of myself fully. It's not just about being able to look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU. It's about loving yourself enough to go to the doctor regularly and take care of yourself. It's about loving yourself enough to do things for yourself that will benefit your body, even if you don't like it. I will miss Motrin (I dread when that time of the month comes because I am going to suffer) and I will miss my Blue Moon and sparkling wine. I cannot express how much I miss coffee. I already miss dancing in my living room or power walking in the beautiful sun while listening to Prince. But these are the sacrifices I am willing to make because I love myself. And these are only temporary. Once this pressure gets back to normal, I am going to dance my ass off. And I will be able to have a beer once in a while. I look forward to that day.
P.S. - I have been taking my new meds for 5 days and have not had any Motrin, alcohol, caffeine or over-exerted myself. I have not had heart palpitations for the last 3 days. I'm snoopy dancing on the inside! I go back to the doctor tomorrow. Wish me luck that my pressure has gone down! Even a little will be awesome!
This morning, this was the first status I saw on my newsfeed on Facebook from a friend that shall remain anonymous:
When I read the part of this status where she calls herself a complicated woman and how she links that with the death of her father, I was so moved because I thought, wow, I was pretty damn lucky to have my father for as long as I did. He may not get to be at my wedding or hold his grandkids but he did see me graduate from high school and go on to be the first one in our family to graduate from college. He saw me travel the world and relished in the fact that his baby girl was out there, living life. He loved to hear my stories about where I have been or what I was doing. So today, instead of dwelling on his absence in my life now, I thought of how much I did get to share with him while he was here. Some don't get that privilege.
And as I thought this, I was outside waiting at the bus stop with my mom and I looked up at the beautiful blue sky with the perfectly placed clouds. I felt so close to him in that moment. Dad and I always had this thing about clouds but we didn't know we were connected in that way while he was alive. After he died, I found a bunch of old pics he had taken when I was a kid and they were all of clouds and planes. He was an aspiring photographer. He was a man of hobbies and photography was his main one. I take pics of clouds all the time, have been for years. But I never knew that my dad did the same thing so many years ago. If that ain't the circle of life, I don't know what is. I am my father's daughter and I continue to see evidence of that every day of my living.
So while at the bus stop, after looking at the sky, I then looked at my mom and stared at her for a minute and tears streamed down my face. She didn't notice because I had my big Audrey sunglasses on. I looked at her and my heart swelled. Our relationship has had its ups and downs over the years and I was always closer to my dad. But at that moment, I realized that she is still here and I need to celebrate that. And I cannot even imagine how I will cope when it is her time to go. But I will. However, she is still here so I need to focus on that. I need to spend as much time with her as I can while I can. Because as I saw on FB this morning, I am one of the lucky ones. I had my dad for 41 years and I still have my mom.
The last sentence is so true: "Losing a parent is like cutting off an arm and still being expected to function properly." That sums up how it feels to lose a parent. I am still determined to find a way to function properly. Things won't ever be the same. I won't ever be the same. But there has to be a way. Because I am still living for a reason. And I am so determined to do what I was destined to do in this life. I want to live as much as I can...laugh as much as I can...and see the world. I want to get married and have babies. I don't care what people say, how I am too old or whatever. It's going to happen - all of these things. Because I believe that they will and I am speaking them into existence.
Just when I thought I could not appreciate life any more than I do, seeing that FB status made me appreciate it even more. Love you, Daddy.
Today, I realized my dad has been gone for exactly half of my life. That realization and looking at the complicated woman I am today, wondering if he'd be proud and knowing I can't ever dialogue with him again had me choked up for a while at work. Losing a parent is like cutting off an arm and still being expected to function properly.Now this friend is young, younger than me. And her dad has been gone for exactly half her life! I sat there, at the bus stop, stunned. I know the grief I feel and I had my dad in my life for 41 years. So I cannot even imagine losing him when I was 20. The relationship between a father and daughter is so important. For most women, it determines what kind of man she will seek and end up with. To a daughter, a father is the ultimate example of what a man is. So when a father is absent or not fully present in every way, it's the daughter that suffers. Because she will always look for what she missed in her relationship with her father when looking for a man.
When I read the part of this status where she calls herself a complicated woman and how she links that with the death of her father, I was so moved because I thought, wow, I was pretty damn lucky to have my father for as long as I did. He may not get to be at my wedding or hold his grandkids but he did see me graduate from high school and go on to be the first one in our family to graduate from college. He saw me travel the world and relished in the fact that his baby girl was out there, living life. He loved to hear my stories about where I have been or what I was doing. So today, instead of dwelling on his absence in my life now, I thought of how much I did get to share with him while he was here. Some don't get that privilege.
And as I thought this, I was outside waiting at the bus stop with my mom and I looked up at the beautiful blue sky with the perfectly placed clouds. I felt so close to him in that moment. Dad and I always had this thing about clouds but we didn't know we were connected in that way while he was alive. After he died, I found a bunch of old pics he had taken when I was a kid and they were all of clouds and planes. He was an aspiring photographer. He was a man of hobbies and photography was his main one. I take pics of clouds all the time, have been for years. But I never knew that my dad did the same thing so many years ago. If that ain't the circle of life, I don't know what is. I am my father's daughter and I continue to see evidence of that every day of my living.
So while at the bus stop, after looking at the sky, I then looked at my mom and stared at her for a minute and tears streamed down my face. She didn't notice because I had my big Audrey sunglasses on. I looked at her and my heart swelled. Our relationship has had its ups and downs over the years and I was always closer to my dad. But at that moment, I realized that she is still here and I need to celebrate that. And I cannot even imagine how I will cope when it is her time to go. But I will. However, she is still here so I need to focus on that. I need to spend as much time with her as I can while I can. Because as I saw on FB this morning, I am one of the lucky ones. I had my dad for 41 years and I still have my mom.
The last sentence is so true: "Losing a parent is like cutting off an arm and still being expected to function properly." That sums up how it feels to lose a parent. I am still determined to find a way to function properly. Things won't ever be the same. I won't ever be the same. But there has to be a way. Because I am still living for a reason. And I am so determined to do what I was destined to do in this life. I want to live as much as I can...laugh as much as I can...and see the world. I want to get married and have babies. I don't care what people say, how I am too old or whatever. It's going to happen - all of these things. Because I believe that they will and I am speaking them into existence.
Just when I thought I could not appreciate life any more than I do, seeing that FB status made me appreciate it even more. Love you, Daddy.
I am the queen of lists. Have been since I was a kid. It helps me stay focused and organized. I even make a list when packing for a trip so I don't forget a thing...I plan my outfits for each day so I don't overpack, lol. So last night I decided I am going to make a must-do list. Not a to-do list...this is a MUST-do list.
I'm trying to put myself out there more. I have become sort of a recluse in the last few months and am ready to burst out of my bubble and get out there because being a recluse is so not me. The first step was attending this great event last Sunday in Manhattan hosted by Christine Arylo called A Day of Self-Love in NYC. Best part was that each person with a ticket received a signed copy of Christine's book Choosing ME before WE. At $22, that was a steal.
Christine is awesome. And I didn't realize how bad I was until that day. This was also a testament to what I always say about how when we feel good, we want to look good. That day, I had to talk myself out of getting out of bed. I just felt so sad. Once out of bed, I basically threw something on, didn't even bother to set my hair and just pulled it back into a little ponytail (my hair is not that long, lol). To sum it up, I looked a hot damn mess. And I didn't feel so hot either. The event did make me feel better but honestly, it was a wake-up call. It really made me see that I needed to get it together.
What cemented that fact for me was when I was waiting in line to get my book signed by Christine. Here I was, getting ready to meet one of the most phenomenal people ever and when given the opportunity, I did not use it to the full ability that I should have. My friend Aja did the opposite. She went up to Christine and was chatting her away. Christine told her that she felt Aja was destined for great things and Aja was just smiling away, being that great person she is. Aja has this aura about her, this light. You can't help but smile when you're in Aja's presence. However, me...that day I was so sad. And I knew Christine felt that. She hugged me and told me to hang in there. I told her that my dad passed away 10 months ago and I have been trying to get through it. I then told her how I am writing a book and it has been hard to get through that. She left me with the parting words of "Keep writing and good luck with the book! Things will get better." My sadness prevented me from really, truly connecting with someone and having a happy empowering moment. I had so many questions about getting a book published and wanted to get some sound advice. I was so disappointed in myself and went home feeling defeated. When I went to bed that night, I vowed to never do that again to myself. Especially when I opened up my book and saw that she signed it "Remember that no matter what, you are loved." What a powerful statement in such a short sentence.
So the next day, I got up and made the decision to never let myself go outside looking a mess ever again, lol. Also, I had to remind myself what I tell so many people...your life is what you make it. You create the life you want. Sure, we have obstacles and setbacks to face but at the end of the day, you have the power to change what you don't like and choose how you will live that day.
Back to my list...because I am trying to create the life I want to live and stop being sad over something that cannot change. My dad is never coming back in this life. He may visit me in dreams and I know I will see him again when it is my time to leave this world but for now, he is not here. But I still am and I need to live. I need to honor his legacy.
So here's a few things I have on my must-do list...
1. Go see the Freedom Sisters exhibit at the Malcolm X & Dr. Betty Shabazz Memorial and Educational Center.
2. Go to the Coffee and Tea Festival on Sat, 2/25 - tickets are $10 through a deal on Time Out NY.
3. Go to Philly and visit my friend Marie and make her go with me to do the QVC tour. She doesn't know it yet but she knows now. LOL. (this is planned for the weekend of 3/10)
4. Go to the City of NY museum with my friend Mr J, who I planned on going with back in Dec and never did. I have tickets I bought on Groupon last year that I have yet to use. SMH.
5. Go to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta (which I will do very soon).
6. Make a conscious effort to see my friends more...even if it's a call, a lunch, something.
That's all I have for now...I don't plan too far ahead and I am trying to plan things that are doable right now. I have just put off so many things and I need to be out there, living. That is my lesson for today...as the saying goes, don't put off tomorrow what you can do today. I'm done putting off my life. The time is now. If you have a must-do list, I would love to know what is on it since I draw inspiration from others ....please share either in comments here or on the FJM Facebook page. :)
I'm trying to put myself out there more. I have become sort of a recluse in the last few months and am ready to burst out of my bubble and get out there because being a recluse is so not me. The first step was attending this great event last Sunday in Manhattan hosted by Christine Arylo called A Day of Self-Love in NYC. Best part was that each person with a ticket received a signed copy of Christine's book Choosing ME before WE. At $22, that was a steal.
Christine is awesome. And I didn't realize how bad I was until that day. This was also a testament to what I always say about how when we feel good, we want to look good. That day, I had to talk myself out of getting out of bed. I just felt so sad. Once out of bed, I basically threw something on, didn't even bother to set my hair and just pulled it back into a little ponytail (my hair is not that long, lol). To sum it up, I looked a hot damn mess. And I didn't feel so hot either. The event did make me feel better but honestly, it was a wake-up call. It really made me see that I needed to get it together.
What cemented that fact for me was when I was waiting in line to get my book signed by Christine. Here I was, getting ready to meet one of the most phenomenal people ever and when given the opportunity, I did not use it to the full ability that I should have. My friend Aja did the opposite. She went up to Christine and was chatting her away. Christine told her that she felt Aja was destined for great things and Aja was just smiling away, being that great person she is. Aja has this aura about her, this light. You can't help but smile when you're in Aja's presence. However, me...that day I was so sad. And I knew Christine felt that. She hugged me and told me to hang in there. I told her that my dad passed away 10 months ago and I have been trying to get through it. I then told her how I am writing a book and it has been hard to get through that. She left me with the parting words of "Keep writing and good luck with the book! Things will get better." My sadness prevented me from really, truly connecting with someone and having a happy empowering moment. I had so many questions about getting a book published and wanted to get some sound advice. I was so disappointed in myself and went home feeling defeated. When I went to bed that night, I vowed to never do that again to myself. Especially when I opened up my book and saw that she signed it "Remember that no matter what, you are loved." What a powerful statement in such a short sentence.
So the next day, I got up and made the decision to never let myself go outside looking a mess ever again, lol. Also, I had to remind myself what I tell so many people...your life is what you make it. You create the life you want. Sure, we have obstacles and setbacks to face but at the end of the day, you have the power to change what you don't like and choose how you will live that day.
Back to my list...because I am trying to create the life I want to live and stop being sad over something that cannot change. My dad is never coming back in this life. He may visit me in dreams and I know I will see him again when it is my time to leave this world but for now, he is not here. But I still am and I need to live. I need to honor his legacy.
So here's a few things I have on my must-do list...
1. Go see the Freedom Sisters exhibit at the Malcolm X & Dr. Betty Shabazz Memorial and Educational Center.
2. Go to the Coffee and Tea Festival on Sat, 2/25 - tickets are $10 through a deal on Time Out NY.
3. Go to Philly and visit my friend Marie and make her go with me to do the QVC tour. She doesn't know it yet but she knows now. LOL. (this is planned for the weekend of 3/10)
4. Go to the City of NY museum with my friend Mr J, who I planned on going with back in Dec and never did. I have tickets I bought on Groupon last year that I have yet to use. SMH.
5. Go to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta (which I will do very soon).
6. Make a conscious effort to see my friends more...even if it's a call, a lunch, something.
That's all I have for now...I don't plan too far ahead and I am trying to plan things that are doable right now. I have just put off so many things and I need to be out there, living. That is my lesson for today...as the saying goes, don't put off tomorrow what you can do today. I'm done putting off my life. The time is now. If you have a must-do list, I would love to know what is on it since I draw inspiration from others ....please share either in comments here or on the FJM Facebook page. :)
I am lucky enough to have friends in my life who have remained constant for many years. I've known my best friend Herman for 15 years, my other close friend Brooke for 8 years, my close friend Marie for like 8 years, my friend Josie since junior high school, and etc. I have lost a few friends here and there. Sometimes some friendships only last a season and once they serve their purpose, they end. But those friends who are meant to be there for a lifetime are the ones you have to keep close and always show appreciation to. Taking someone for granted is something we all do at one point or another but we shouldn't, because nothing is ever guaranteed in life.
No one is perfect and I will admit that I am not the easiest person to deal with. I have a big heart and a lot of love to give others. But at the same time, I am human. In the last year, with my dad's passing, I have not been myself. I have not been happy. I have been so sad and angry. Some people may not know how to deal with that. But my friends are so understanding and have been there, even when I have been a bitch. Herman will be quick to tell me to get over it. He never takes anything personal, which I am so thankful for since I have not been myself for the last 10 months. My friend Josie will call me in the middle of the night and listen to me rant on and on about things I am pissed off about and she will just tell me everything is going to be okay. She tells me she will always be there. Marie continues to just smile at me and tell me she loves me, even when I am being such a bitch. She checks on me every week with a call.
Looking back now with my anger gone, I feel terrible about how I have been. Such a dark place. Thank goodness my friends are forgiving ones. I am the type of person who will apologize and will try my hardest to make things better because if you can't admit your wrongs, how are you going to make things right?
So that is how I have learned to see who are the lifetime friends and who are not - during this time of my life, which is the lowest point I have ever been at. When someone totally abandons you at your lowest point and takes whatever you do personal and makes it about themselves while not really looking at the big picture, those people are not worth having around. I had to let go of some people, which was so hard! Sometimes it's hard to see people for who they are because you have a history with them. But at the end of the day, you have to be honest with yourself. For me, I am already battling my own demons with trying to live with this grief and deal with it along with my anxiety. I don't need any additional drama. So I needed to clean house for my well-being. I even ended a 20+ year friendship with someone last summer, which still pains me but had to be done.
I am now left with friends, some new unexpected ones and some old ones, who I love with all my being and appreciation because they dealt with me when I was at my worst, when I was yelling at them and telling them to leave me alone or just being mean, when I was crying at the drop of a hat and when I said I didn't need anyone. They knew better. They knew I was lashing out because of my pain and not knowing how to deal with it. They accept me for me. They knew it wasn't personal. And they still loved me. I have vowed going forward to do everything I can to show my appreciation for them. Whether it's picking up the phone weekly to call them and just say hi. Or dropping them a quick email to check in or even sending them a card in the mail. I vow to remember every birthday and special day. I promise to tell them every chance I get how lucky I am to have them in my life. These are things that we should all do naturally but we get so distracted by everyday life that we take things for granted. So if you have these type of friends in your life, hold them close, appreciate them. Because they are gifts. They are blessings. They are your personal angels.
I'm feeling good, people. And part of that is coming out of this dark tunnel finally and seeing my friends there, waiting for me, saying "It's about time! We've been waiting for you, Girl! She's Back!". :)
No one is perfect and I will admit that I am not the easiest person to deal with. I have a big heart and a lot of love to give others. But at the same time, I am human. In the last year, with my dad's passing, I have not been myself. I have not been happy. I have been so sad and angry. Some people may not know how to deal with that. But my friends are so understanding and have been there, even when I have been a bitch. Herman will be quick to tell me to get over it. He never takes anything personal, which I am so thankful for since I have not been myself for the last 10 months. My friend Josie will call me in the middle of the night and listen to me rant on and on about things I am pissed off about and she will just tell me everything is going to be okay. She tells me she will always be there. Marie continues to just smile at me and tell me she loves me, even when I am being such a bitch. She checks on me every week with a call.
Looking back now with my anger gone, I feel terrible about how I have been. Such a dark place. Thank goodness my friends are forgiving ones. I am the type of person who will apologize and will try my hardest to make things better because if you can't admit your wrongs, how are you going to make things right?
So that is how I have learned to see who are the lifetime friends and who are not - during this time of my life, which is the lowest point I have ever been at. When someone totally abandons you at your lowest point and takes whatever you do personal and makes it about themselves while not really looking at the big picture, those people are not worth having around. I had to let go of some people, which was so hard! Sometimes it's hard to see people for who they are because you have a history with them. But at the end of the day, you have to be honest with yourself. For me, I am already battling my own demons with trying to live with this grief and deal with it along with my anxiety. I don't need any additional drama. So I needed to clean house for my well-being. I even ended a 20+ year friendship with someone last summer, which still pains me but had to be done.
I am now left with friends, some new unexpected ones and some old ones, who I love with all my being and appreciation because they dealt with me when I was at my worst, when I was yelling at them and telling them to leave me alone or just being mean, when I was crying at the drop of a hat and when I said I didn't need anyone. They knew better. They knew I was lashing out because of my pain and not knowing how to deal with it. They accept me for me. They knew it wasn't personal. And they still loved me. I have vowed going forward to do everything I can to show my appreciation for them. Whether it's picking up the phone weekly to call them and just say hi. Or dropping them a quick email to check in or even sending them a card in the mail. I vow to remember every birthday and special day. I promise to tell them every chance I get how lucky I am to have them in my life. These are things that we should all do naturally but we get so distracted by everyday life that we take things for granted. So if you have these type of friends in your life, hold them close, appreciate them. Because they are gifts. They are blessings. They are your personal angels.
I'm feeling good, people. And part of that is coming out of this dark tunnel finally and seeing my friends there, waiting for me, saying "It's about time! We've been waiting for you, Girl! She's Back!". :)
So it is almost the end of Valentine's Day and no matter how much I said I hate the day, something always happens to make me once again feel the love. It's weird because I embrace my single status. I truly believe in love and know that when that higher power thinks I'm ready, that man will come into my life. So I'm not too concerned anymore about that.
I used to be, BIG TIME. As women, we have expiration dates when it comes to having children so for those of us who want kids, when we pass that 40-yr mark and still have not had any, we start to get a LITTLE concerned, lol. But I look at the bright side instead of dwelling on that impending expiration date. I always say, shoot, I have a good 6-7 years to have a baby. I'm good. And you get to a point where you start to accept that if it isn't in the cards, that's okay too. I plan to adopt so I will be okay.
But getting back to love, we all want to have that special love in our lives. And after today and the outpouring of love I received from my friends and family, I realized that no matter how much I say I loathe this day, I am a romantic at heart. And I will never give up hope that it will find me. Love is beautiful. Love is out there for all of us. I truly believe that. So while I wait, I will continue to work on me mentally and physically, being bold, being fearless and enjoying this time of waiting. That's all I can do.
I used to be, BIG TIME. As women, we have expiration dates when it comes to having children so for those of us who want kids, when we pass that 40-yr mark and still have not had any, we start to get a LITTLE concerned, lol. But I look at the bright side instead of dwelling on that impending expiration date. I always say, shoot, I have a good 6-7 years to have a baby. I'm good. And you get to a point where you start to accept that if it isn't in the cards, that's okay too. I plan to adopt so I will be okay.
But getting back to love, we all want to have that special love in our lives. And after today and the outpouring of love I received from my friends and family, I realized that no matter how much I say I loathe this day, I am a romantic at heart. And I will never give up hope that it will find me. Love is beautiful. Love is out there for all of us. I truly believe that. So while I wait, I will continue to work on me mentally and physically, being bold, being fearless and enjoying this time of waiting. That's all I can do.
About two weeks ago, I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy where it was a dream sequence for the lead character Meredith Grey. She was dreaming about how life would be if her mother never got sick with Alzheimer's Disease. The underlying theme and lesson of the episode was destiny and fate: No matter how things change, if they are meant to be, they will happen in the end.
It got me thinking. Many of us spend so much time trying to control our lives, our destiny. This is why many of us end up in a job we hate or in a relationship with someone that we really don't want to be with or even end up living somewhere we really don't like. We settle because we are trying to control the scenario and go for the "sure" thing. We let fear hold us back from truly making a bold choice or decision and just going for it. Funny thing with destiny and fate is, the Universe/God will continue to throw hints your way to push you back on the right path. But we still take detours because of the decisions we make, fueled by lack of trust and fear in the unknown. So it takes many of us longer to get that dream to come to fruition than we would like it to take.
I think we all need to be accountable for the choices we make in life. Many of us place blame on other people, other situations, etc. But honestly, we made the choice. At the end of the day, we have to accept this fact before we can truly move on and make better choices. Learn the lesson and move on.
Almost four years ago, I was working at a job that I loved some aspects of but was not truly happy. I spent 7 years there and was conflicted about leaving because it was a steady income and a "sure" thing. Well, that "sure" thing turned out to not be such a sure thing. I was laid off and I feel like that was when my journey of being reborn again started. The Universe kept throwing opportunities at me but during the first year of being unemployed, I kind of blindly went through life, confused and just "winging" it. I started to travel in hopes that it would give me some clarity. Here I am at the age of 38, starting over. It was a daunting thing to face.
Year 2, more opportunities were being thrown at me and I started writing and blogging. But still, I was not at my full potential. I kept doubting myself and second-guessing everything. Then in Year 3, my dad died. And in his death, more opportunities were being thrown at me. I was writing more and even got a position on the production team for Full Figured Fashion Week. I was figuring out what my "voice" was online in terms of blogging and was close to finding it. Also, my dream has always been to write a book and become a published author. I have been a writer since I was a kid. I love books and the library is my second home. My gift is to write. But my mind and spirit were so cluttered with everything else that I could not focus on my writing. But the opportunity to write a book presented itself. It was just up to me to start writing.
Here we are, the start of Year 4. More than ever, I feel like my destiny is to get this book published as well as take this blog to a higher level. I have some opportunities awaiting me - all I have to do is seize them. Grief has been kicking me in the ass but I cannot ignore my destiny. I have to make the right choices this time. I have to be bold and fearless. That is what life is all about. It all starts with the first chapter. Which I have written. And I push myself to write a little everyday. I'm now on Chapter 5.
I think back to the advice my step-mom gave me after my dad died. She said "You have to do the best you can with what you have, one day at a time." Best advice ever. So I share with all of you...if you keep being detoured on your path to your destiny:
1. Take a look at the choices you are making and why you are making them.
2. Be accountable for those choices - stop playing the blame game.
3. Make a list of things you want to accomplish. No desire or dream is too small or crazy.
4. Take one goal at a time and make a plan.
5. Lastly, be bold enough to take a chance and make a choice that may not seem like a "sure" thing. Listen to that inner of voice, your intuition. She knows best.
6. Just take it one day at a time. If things don't go your way today, no worries. You will get a do-over tomorrow, God-willing. Just like my step-mom said, do the best that you can with what you have, one day at a time.
I started this blog with the intention of sharing my life with all of you in an effort to inspire someone, anyone. I'm certainly not perfect but I am willing to make myself better, one day at a time. I am willing to share my lessons along the way with all of you. That is part of my destiny and how I can truly put my gift of writing to use. It took 4 years but I think I am finally on the right path. Now to keep going and follow through with it all...that's quite another feat and story.
It got me thinking. Many of us spend so much time trying to control our lives, our destiny. This is why many of us end up in a job we hate or in a relationship with someone that we really don't want to be with or even end up living somewhere we really don't like. We settle because we are trying to control the scenario and go for the "sure" thing. We let fear hold us back from truly making a bold choice or decision and just going for it. Funny thing with destiny and fate is, the Universe/God will continue to throw hints your way to push you back on the right path. But we still take detours because of the decisions we make, fueled by lack of trust and fear in the unknown. So it takes many of us longer to get that dream to come to fruition than we would like it to take.
I think we all need to be accountable for the choices we make in life. Many of us place blame on other people, other situations, etc. But honestly, we made the choice. At the end of the day, we have to accept this fact before we can truly move on and make better choices. Learn the lesson and move on.
Almost four years ago, I was working at a job that I loved some aspects of but was not truly happy. I spent 7 years there and was conflicted about leaving because it was a steady income and a "sure" thing. Well, that "sure" thing turned out to not be such a sure thing. I was laid off and I feel like that was when my journey of being reborn again started. The Universe kept throwing opportunities at me but during the first year of being unemployed, I kind of blindly went through life, confused and just "winging" it. I started to travel in hopes that it would give me some clarity. Here I am at the age of 38, starting over. It was a daunting thing to face.
Year 2, more opportunities were being thrown at me and I started writing and blogging. But still, I was not at my full potential. I kept doubting myself and second-guessing everything. Then in Year 3, my dad died. And in his death, more opportunities were being thrown at me. I was writing more and even got a position on the production team for Full Figured Fashion Week. I was figuring out what my "voice" was online in terms of blogging and was close to finding it. Also, my dream has always been to write a book and become a published author. I have been a writer since I was a kid. I love books and the library is my second home. My gift is to write. But my mind and spirit were so cluttered with everything else that I could not focus on my writing. But the opportunity to write a book presented itself. It was just up to me to start writing.
Here we are, the start of Year 4. More than ever, I feel like my destiny is to get this book published as well as take this blog to a higher level. I have some opportunities awaiting me - all I have to do is seize them. Grief has been kicking me in the ass but I cannot ignore my destiny. I have to make the right choices this time. I have to be bold and fearless. That is what life is all about. It all starts with the first chapter. Which I have written. And I push myself to write a little everyday. I'm now on Chapter 5.
I think back to the advice my step-mom gave me after my dad died. She said "You have to do the best you can with what you have, one day at a time." Best advice ever. So I share with all of you...if you keep being detoured on your path to your destiny:
1. Take a look at the choices you are making and why you are making them.
2. Be accountable for those choices - stop playing the blame game.
3. Make a list of things you want to accomplish. No desire or dream is too small or crazy.
4. Take one goal at a time and make a plan.
5. Lastly, be bold enough to take a chance and make a choice that may not seem like a "sure" thing. Listen to that inner of voice, your intuition. She knows best.
6. Just take it one day at a time. If things don't go your way today, no worries. You will get a do-over tomorrow, God-willing. Just like my step-mom said, do the best that you can with what you have, one day at a time.
I started this blog with the intention of sharing my life with all of you in an effort to inspire someone, anyone. I'm certainly not perfect but I am willing to make myself better, one day at a time. I am willing to share my lessons along the way with all of you. That is part of my destiny and how I can truly put my gift of writing to use. It took 4 years but I think I am finally on the right path. Now to keep going and follow through with it all...that's quite another feat and story.
Sometimes I think I live in an alternate universe or feel so out of place. I like doing nice things for people. It's part of my character. And I am the type of person that when I meet someone and have a connection with them, a friendship is born. But we live in such a twisted world where most people are paranoid and of the mindset that no one is nice, just to be nice. I guess that means I am a rarity. I don't know. All I know is, I get strange looks when I do something nice for someone not expecting anything in return or I hear the thing I hate the most "Oh, that's sooo sweet of you!" as if they are surprised that I would be nice to them. Makes me wonder about this world.
The one thing I have learned is that at the end of the day, you have to stay true to yourself. You have to be you because that's how true happiness is achieved. And hopefully, the rest of the world will get it and one day, a person will not look at me strangely or shocked at my good deed. They will just appreciate it for it is and hopefully pay it forward. If we all did one good deed a day and that person on the receiving end paid it forward and did their own good deed, can you just imagine how different a world this would be?
Food for thought...
The one thing I have learned is that at the end of the day, you have to stay true to yourself. You have to be you because that's how true happiness is achieved. And hopefully, the rest of the world will get it and one day, a person will not look at me strangely or shocked at my good deed. They will just appreciate it for it is and hopefully pay it forward. If we all did one good deed a day and that person on the receiving end paid it forward and did their own good deed, can you just imagine how different a world this would be?
Food for thought...
Going into 2012, I was a mess. I felt like I was leaving my dad behind. I spent all week prior to New Year's Eve in a state of panic. Trying to get a grasp on time, which of course we all know is impossible. It did not help that the week was going by so fast. But I got through it and honestly, I felt like my dad spoke to me a few times through other people. I usually dream of him but I have been sick and with being sick, I have not been sleeping well. So I guess he felt like he had to make sure he got his point across and had my attention, lol.
I had 3 separate conversations with 3 different people but it all had the same message: Acceptance. Acceptance of things I cannot change. Acceptance of people and how they are. Ultimately, once you accept these things and people, you can then make the choice if you want these things and people in your life. Imagine if we all embraced this way of life? There would be less expectations and less disappointments. We'd appreciate the little things in life. We'd be able to see all of life's exciting things because our focus won't be on those people and things that hurt us and disappoint us. We spend so much energy worrying about these people and things and let it affect us negatively.
But if we accept and move on, life would indeed be easier. Now it is easier said than done. But if you can do it, the benefits are so great. I've decided to focus more on me this year. I have decided to stop worrying about THOSE people. I've decided to accept what I can't control and make the choice on who and what I want in my life. That's what being fearless is all about.
Thank you, Daddy, for always dropping the knowledge even from beyond. Love you.
I had 3 separate conversations with 3 different people but it all had the same message: Acceptance. Acceptance of things I cannot change. Acceptance of people and how they are. Ultimately, once you accept these things and people, you can then make the choice if you want these things and people in your life. Imagine if we all embraced this way of life? There would be less expectations and less disappointments. We'd appreciate the little things in life. We'd be able to see all of life's exciting things because our focus won't be on those people and things that hurt us and disappoint us. We spend so much energy worrying about these people and things and let it affect us negatively.
But if we accept and move on, life would indeed be easier. Now it is easier said than done. But if you can do it, the benefits are so great. I've decided to focus more on me this year. I have decided to stop worrying about THOSE people. I've decided to accept what I can't control and make the choice on who and what I want in my life. That's what being fearless is all about.
Thank you, Daddy, for always dropping the knowledge even from beyond. Love you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Social Icons