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Showing posts with label fearless dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fearless dating. Show all posts
"Hope for love, pray for love, wish for love, dream for love…but don’t put your life on hold waiting for love." ~ Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass
This year I started putting myself out there on the dating scene after taking a break to take care of myself during my grieving. And let me tell you, dating is not easy, especially when you're looking for a relationship after 40.
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| This is me on a daily basis when it comes to dating |
I've been single for about two years and decided I was ready to jump back into the dating pool. I started putting myself out there more and decided that this time I would do things differently.
I have spent years, one failed relationship after another, not really knowing why things never ended well. And after losing my dad and brother and going into therapy for bereavement counseling, I actually learned more than I thought I would.
I became more self-aware and more accountable for my choices in life. I realized that I wanted love so badly that I settled. And I stayed with men that I should have left as soon as I saw the first red flag. From cheating to being stood up all the time to even owing me money, these are the men I ALLOWED into my life. And if my ex is reading this, I still want my $150 back. I'm still working on letting that go because I know I will never see that money.
Sure, they were jerks BUT I chose to be with them. And we NEVER have to be with someone who doesn't treat us as we want to be treated. I learned that I always have a choice. Making those choices may not seem easy but when you get to a point in your life where you know you're worthy of a great partner and deserve that, choosing who you want to be with becomes very easy.
When you're secure with yourself and are not trying to be with someone just because you're lonely or afraid of being alone for life, you make better choices in who you choose to be with. Because you will not stand or settle for any less.
I'm fine with being alone. I don't NEED to be with someone. However, I WANT to be with someone. I want to share my life with someone. I even still have hope I will have a biological child. Some people think I am crazy since I am 45 but I believe anything is possible. I do plan to adopt as well but having my own child has been a dream in my heart since I was a teenager.
I always thought I'd be married with a couple of kids by now. And for a very long time, as the years sped by, I started to feel like a failure. My dad never got to walk me down the aisle or see his future grandchildren. And I sometimes feel like I am the only one who is single in my world.
But in therapy, I learned that acceptance is key. Everything happens for a reason. I've had a pretty good life despite the failed relationships and no husband and kids. I've traveled the world. I've seen amazing things. Honestly, I look back and know I could not do a fraction of those things if I was married with kids. This I know now and I had to be honest with myself. We don't always stay on the path we start on and we have to go with the flow and just remain hopeful.
I went back on the online dating scene six months ago and it's been okay. I've met some nice guys and some not so nice guys. However, instead of meeting my soulmate, I instead continue to learn more about myself and how I deal with men. I've learned that sometimes being too honest upfront is a bit much for men. I also learned that words mean nothing when it comes to actions. Someone can tell you everything you want to hear but if they don't make time for you or show interest, they are not interested.
I put a lot of value into words and sought that validation that comes from words. Sure, it's nice to hear how beautiful you are or how much someone is into you, but I realized that I was hearing more words than seeing actions. And after a while, words are not enough. You want to see action and thoughtful gestures, which if a person is really into you, no gesture is too grand.
I learned to not stand still and give too much of my time away when a guy is not interested. Just because I like him does not guarantee that he will like me back. And I have to accept that. Me getting frustrated or feeling hurt over a guy not being interested is a waste of negative energy. I just accept it and move on. No hard feelings. It just wasn't meant to be.
That was a MAJOR change for me because I was that girl that would be so frustrated and upset when a guy I liked didn't like me back. And I spent a lot of time in my feelings, having a pity party and refusing to accept it. Meanwhile, he has moved on to the next girl who he does like.
Sure, I've been disappointed but it's beyond my control so all I can do is put myself first and keep it moving. Rejection is part of life. At least I gave it a chance to see what would happen.
I also learned that I don't need to try too hard or chase a guy or even jump through hoops to prove myself to him. All I have to be is myself, because I think I'm pretty awesome, lol. And know my worth enough to know that I am a good woman and any man would be lucky to have me. The right man will see me and accept me for who I am.
I recently met someone who I think is amazing - not perfect but such a nice guy. Who knows what will happen? What I do know is that my life goes on no matter what. Life never stands still so I won't. I will still enjoy all the moments I can, whether I am single or not. Because we never know when it's our time to go so I don't want to waste or lose a single minute. It's like what Mandy said in the above quote... I will never put my life on hold to wait on love. Hell no.
All I want is to be loved by a good man who's honest, loyal, funny, humble and romantic, preferably in the tri-state area (lol). Now I have other attributes I look for but at the same time, I have come to accept that I will never find the perfect man. But if I can find someone who has most of the qualities I am looking for, that's good enough for me.
So for now, I will put myself out there, hitting my favorite spots, traveling, interacting with the world and still checking out my options online. We'll see what happens. I have a feeling my Mr Right will show up when I least expect it. I just hope my hair looks good when that happens.
I swear, 2014 has been the year of the EX.
But it depends on the situation. I have some exes where I "used" to think the breakup wasn't bad enough for a cut-off. But after this year, I have come to realize that I was discounting myself by letting those men back into my life. When you know your worth and keep it real with yourself, the honest truth may hurt but shit, it will help you to make yourself a better person. And that's all most of us want, right?
Sometimes we don't appreciate the little things until one day we realize that those little things held a big meaning.
I dated P seven years ago. We were together for a year and even though it was a short relationship compared to my others, it is one I often reflect on because it changed my life.
It's one of those relationships that I look back on and always think of ways I could have saved it. I made a lot of mistakes, which partly led to our demise. That relationship taught me to never underestimate how a man can feel about me, even if he doesn't verbally say so. It's all about a person's actions. I'm the type of woman who wants to hear how a guy feels. P was a romantic but his gestures were subtle and sometimes, he was a quiet man who valued his space. So I didn't really notice his subtle gestures of love until now.
The grandest gesture that he did for me was one that went totally unnoticed until the day we broke up and by then, it was too late. For an entire year, he had always slept on the right side of the bed. I naturally thought that was the side of the bed he preferred, which was great for me since I always sleep on the left.
I dated P seven years ago. We were together for a year and even though it was a short relationship compared to my others, it is one I often reflect on because it changed my life.
It's one of those relationships that I look back on and always think of ways I could have saved it. I made a lot of mistakes, which partly led to our demise. That relationship taught me to never underestimate how a man can feel about me, even if he doesn't verbally say so. It's all about a person's actions. I'm the type of woman who wants to hear how a guy feels. P was a romantic but his gestures were subtle and sometimes, he was a quiet man who valued his space. So I didn't really notice his subtle gestures of love until now.
The grandest gesture that he did for me was one that went totally unnoticed until the day we broke up and by then, it was too late. For an entire year, he had always slept on the right side of the bed. I naturally thought that was the side of the bed he preferred, which was great for me since I always sleep on the left.
I read something on Facebook yesterday that had me giving my PC screen the side eye. I went back today to copy the status word for word but it is now gone. So I am thinking I was not the only one feeling some kind of way about his post, lol.
This guy, who is an author who is building his career on writing relationship/self-help books geared mainly towards women, wrote something about women who say they are single by choice. He wrote that being single by choice is not possible because why would anyone choose to be single. He said we are single by chance and the status just read to me as if he were saying that women were to blame for not meeting the right guy yet and that we needed to work on ourselves and etc.
Being a single chick BY CHOICE, I was speechless. I didn't comment on the status because I learned a long time ago that everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it. You can't control what someone else thinks. You can only control how you let that opinion affect you. But that status compelled me to write about it since I am a single woman, again, BY CHOICE.
Let me just say first, that this guy is a great writer and many things he does say are valid and inspiring. He's a very spiritual and intelligent guy. I even own his book. But I have to disagree with him on this one.
Now, it's true, why would anyone choose to be alone when honestly, most of us do want love in our lives. I know I do. But...When I say I am single by choice, what I am saying is that I choose to not just be with anyone. I choose to be with someone that I think is worthy of me and vice versa. To me, being single by choice means knowing your self-worth and not settling for just anything or anyone that comes along. When you settle for any old thing, that is what you will attract and get. I believe when you know your self-worth, are doing your thing and living your life for YOU and not someone else, you will attract someone who will appreciate who you are and not treat you like crap.
We always have a choice. When my ex-boyfriend, who, in my opinion, is a bully and control freak contacts me (which he does every 3-6 months), I hit delete. His number is no longer stored on my phone but he still calls and texts every so often. I just choose to not speak to him. We all have that ex in the past that we allowed into our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. But, we cannot let that person affect how we treat the next person who comes into our lives. We also can choose who we let into our lives. Our pasts don't define the choices we make today. Right in this moment.
Do I like being single? No. I want love in my life. I want to get married one day and have children.
Do I let my single status stop me from being happy? No. Life will go on regardless and time is valuable. So I am going to spend my moments doing happy things and enjoying my life, whether I am single or not.
Am I single by choice? Yes. And when that imperfect man who is perfect for me shows up in my life, I will then choose to not be single.
It's as simple as that. And there is nothing wrong with that.
One of my best friends currently made the choice to remain single for a year to find herself and live life as a single woman on her own. To me, making a choice like that is HUGE and commendable. Because you are being accountable for you and making that conscious choice to better yourself so that when that right person for you comes along, you are ready to open your heart and let love in.
So single by chance? I don't think so. I choose to be single right now, in this moment. But the beauty of having free will and making choices is that you can always change your mind according to the present situation. So, who knows? I may choose to not be single three months from now. Life is unpredictable like that. :)
I'm back! I took a little hiatus from the blog because between Father's Day (which is always a tough day), Full Figured Fashion Week and the end of the school year, things got pretty hectic! Since then, I have been reflecting on many things in my life and am excited for what's to come. One thing that has been on my mind is love and the many facets of it. Let's talk romantic love first...
I've been single for almost a year. When I say that, I mean, no dating, nothing. After my last relationship, I decided I needed a time out. I needed to reflect on why I was choosing the same kind of man and ending up with the same result.
The last guy I dated was a good guy. But I think we rushed things and we ended up in different places. I wanted certain things and it seemed like he wanted the same things. But sometimes while two people may want the same things, if they are not compatible in other ways, it just won't work.
During my time out, I realized that:
1) I wasn't ready for love to come into my life because I had some issues within myself that I needed to work on. And...
2) I have never been in love.
Yes, you read that right.
In looking back on my past relationships in my life, I realized that every relationship was rushed and forced. I never gave love time to grow. I think many of us are guilty of rushing things because we want love so bad. But I have since learned that love needs to be built. If there isn't a strong foundation, love won't survive. You have to take your time and get to know someone. And not ignore the red flags. A person can put on their best face to give off a great first impression but sooner or later, shades of their real selves will appear.
One of the best lessons I have learned in my life is that time is valuable. So for me to jump into a relationship out the gate and rush things is only going to waste my time in the end if it doesn't work out because I would have invested years in someone that I wasn't meant to be with. And that's not to say that couples who meet and immediately hit off don't have a chance. But what I am saying is go in with your eyes open and really see this person for who they are and not who you want them to be.
So I did the online dating thing years ago and it didn't work for me. I kind of dismissed it as online dating sucked. But I have heard about and seen so many positive relationships that have come out of online dating ads that I was forced to really ponder this one. I also asked my male friends about their opinions, too. Ladies, having male friends is a plus. Most men think differently than what we think is on their minds.
We all want to give a great first impression but why are we trying so hard when we should just be. We know we're a catch. We know we're good people. The more you scream to the world that you are a good woman, the more the world won't believe you. The proof is in the pudding. Be that good woman at all times. Show who you are instead of telling someone who you are.
I've been single for almost a year. When I say that, I mean, no dating, nothing. After my last relationship, I decided I needed a time out. I needed to reflect on why I was choosing the same kind of man and ending up with the same result.
The last guy I dated was a good guy. But I think we rushed things and we ended up in different places. I wanted certain things and it seemed like he wanted the same things. But sometimes while two people may want the same things, if they are not compatible in other ways, it just won't work.
During my time out, I realized that:
1) I wasn't ready for love to come into my life because I had some issues within myself that I needed to work on. And...
2) I have never been in love.
Yes, you read that right.
In looking back on my past relationships in my life, I realized that every relationship was rushed and forced. I never gave love time to grow. I think many of us are guilty of rushing things because we want love so bad. But I have since learned that love needs to be built. If there isn't a strong foundation, love won't survive. You have to take your time and get to know someone. And not ignore the red flags. A person can put on their best face to give off a great first impression but sooner or later, shades of their real selves will appear.
One of the best lessons I have learned in my life is that time is valuable. So for me to jump into a relationship out the gate and rush things is only going to waste my time in the end if it doesn't work out because I would have invested years in someone that I wasn't meant to be with. And that's not to say that couples who meet and immediately hit off don't have a chance. But what I am saying is go in with your eyes open and really see this person for who they are and not who you want them to be.
So I did the online dating thing years ago and it didn't work for me. I kind of dismissed it as online dating sucked. But I have heard about and seen so many positive relationships that have come out of online dating ads that I was forced to really ponder this one. I also asked my male friends about their opinions, too. Ladies, having male friends is a plus. Most men think differently than what we think is on their minds.
We all want to give a great first impression but why are we trying so hard when we should just be. We know we're a catch. We know we're good people. The more you scream to the world that you are a good woman, the more the world won't believe you. The proof is in the pudding. Be that good woman at all times. Show who you are instead of telling someone who you are.
It’s hard being single, especially when you get into your 30’s
and 40’s, Believe me, this I know. For many of us, there’s that pressure of
settling down, maybe having kids. I know for me, I expected to be married with
kids already at this stage of my life. But here I am, single with no kids at
the age of 41.
Ironically, it seems as if every guy I date wants to knock me
up. It’s like I’m this mythical creature, this unicorn amongst single women…the
40-something year old woman who has no kids and is a good catch. You can see it in their eyes when I tell them I have no kids. It's like they get starry-eyed, lol. And it becomes a challenge to them to be the one who knocked me up. It's crazy when you think about it. The offers
have been tempting but yeah, going to have to pass. I think I am going to hold out until I meet the one because I think I am worth having the whole package and not just being someone's baby mama.
What I have learned in dating is that it is so important to
know your self-worth and value. If you don’t know how much you’re worth, you
will have failed relationships and keep dating and meeting the same type of person
in different shoes. This happens because if you don’t know your worth, you will
settle for the first person who comes along. You will deal with being treated
crappy. You will let someone mistreat you because you think you don’t deserve
better and that you might not find someone else better.
The way we see ourselves and our worth totally relies on the
story we tell ourselves. If we tell ourselves we are not worthy or when we tell ourselves that we need to be with someone because we are lonely... I could go on... that becomes
who we are and others see that. That is how you attract the wrong person. We live
in a world where there are good men and women but there are also a lot of
players and users out there. You can’t distinguish between the two if you
don’t even hold yourself in high regard.
What I have learned the hard way is that you never have to
PROVE your worth to someone. What I mean by that is forcing the other person to
like or be into you by going out of your way to do things for them and just basically
chasing that person after that person shows you they are not interested. If that person is not interested, he/she is
not interested. Nothing you can do will change that. And if you have to prove
your value to someone, they are not right for you. The right person will know
your value and will cherish that. They will respect that and will honor you.
Basically what you're doing is letting this other person use you. If the person is a good person, they will let you know upfront that they are not interested. If the person is a player or user, they know they can control you now because you will do anything you can to keep them. Not a good place to be. You never want to give someone else the power over you. I don't care if they're fantastic in bed or are good company. You can't look at the bits they are giving you...you have to look at the big picture. Are they truly fulfilling you and your needs? Are you always the one calling or doing things for them and not getting the same treatment in return? Are they always calling, wanting you to do something for them? We can make excuses for them but at the end of the day, if they really valued your worth and honored you, there would be no question of your standing in their life.
It all starts with YOU. You have to know your value,
your worth. You have to tell yourself the story of how great a catch you are.
And you have to believe that story. Once you believe, the rest is gravy. Just
be you. Don’t worry about a thing. Just let go of trying to control the
situation and see what happens. Trust me, you will be surprised.
For me, once I stopped trying to prove my value to my ex, it
was as if the blinders came off. He still tried to come back but on his terms,
when he wanted something. But I saw that he didn’t cherish or honor me. I was
not a priority to him. He wanted what he wanted from me and that’s it. And I
allowed him to mistreat me because I didn’t know my full worth. I allowed him
to disrespect me. That happened because I was worrying too much about time. I
was worrying about my biological clock and was trying to control the situation
in order to make it happen NOW. He was
there; he was willing to give me a child BUT he was not willing to give me
everything I needed. I was settling because of my worrying over my age.
Now, as I look forward to my 42nd birthday in 12
days, I am not worried. Things will happen when they are meant to happen. And I
know my worth. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I just have to be me and
live life as best as I can. I am confident that I will get that family one day.
It’ll be a little later than I thought but it will come.
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