Dear Daddy...

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I saw you yesterday. Well, I see you everyday since you insist on making your presence known to me everywhere I go, lol. I used to look at it as a sad thing because I missed you so much and couldn't handle the fact that you were gone in a human sense. Well, 8 months later, I have to admit that it makes me feel safe to know you're around. You can finally be in 5 places at once, which I know you always wished you could do when you were on this Earth. No more spreading yourself thin.

I did so well this week and know you are smiling down at me, so proud. It was my 4th bus ride but the first one since you passed away where I did not have a meltdown. I did not even cry at all. I guess that means I am getting better. Many people continue to keep telling me how I will get over this in time. I don't get that and think it has to be either they don't understand or were not as close with the parent they lost so it was easier for them to move on. The grieving process is different for everyone but when you lose a parent, especially one you were so close with and that was such a big part of your life...well, how can you get over something like that???

I think I will come to terms with the fact that you are not here in this sense anymore. I will learn to accept it. BUT. I will never get over it. I just know for me, it is not possible. I think I will cry for you on my wedding day even if it's 5 years from now, I will definitely weep when I have my firstborn because I know he/she will never meet you in person. There will always be moments where I will feel your loss deeply. BUT. I will learn to accept and adapt...I will continue to live because I know that is what you want me and all of us to do. It won't be easy but we can do it.

Please don't focus all your time worrying about can now see what my future holds so you know I will be okay. I know I am your only daughter and will forever be your baby girl but I'm YOUR daughter so you know I am going to continue to do phenomenal things in this life, go to magnificent places and touch many lives. That is your legacy.

I had to take this break from the world - it was getting a bit much. I needed time away. I know you know how that is since we are cut from the same cloth. I'm in one of your fave places and can't help but think this was such a good idea since I needed to recharge and reflect on many things.

So today, it has been 8 months and while it feels like yesterday and I miss you so much that it hurts bad, I'm going to spend the day remembering you and being happy about the good times. I'm going to get these tears out now and then forge forward with the day. I know I did not say it enough when you were alive but Daddy, I love you so much.

Now go see how Mindy and Danny are doing. I think they need your presence more than I do today. I'll be okay and I am sure we will talk soon in an upcoming dream.

Love, Marcy

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