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"What if, today, we were grateful for everything?" ~ Charlie Brown
Every New Year's Eve for the last six years, I have spent my last evening of the year sobbing in bed, feeling like I was getting further and further away from my dad and then my brother as each new year ushered in.
My anxiety during the first two years was at an old time high. I was so afraid that as each new year started, that meant more time since my dad passed away and that my memories of him and us would fade along with him.
Then when my brother Danny died three years after my dad, I had double grief and was all over the place because one moment, I would be crying over my dad and then another moment over my brother. And then I would feel guilty for grieving over one more than the other or not thinking of them at all at times.
See, I cling to those memories with every fiber of my being because they are all I have left of the best two men I have known and the first two loves of my life. My heroes, my blood, my family.
Usually around the holidays in general, I will admit, I tend to check out emotionally so I just don't have to deal. I'm there but not there. By the time NYE rolls around, I am so mentally exhausted from checking out, that the emotions come flooding in.
But this year, I realized that I can't check out anymore. I'm not that person anymore. There's this thing called Growth that has taken control of my life and it's a good thing, even though I went into it kicking and screaming. It's harder to let yourself feel because that means facing things head on.
My anxiety during the first two years was at an old time high. I was so afraid that as each new year started, that meant more time since my dad passed away and that my memories of him and us would fade along with him.
Then when my brother Danny died three years after my dad, I had double grief and was all over the place because one moment, I would be crying over my dad and then another moment over my brother. And then I would feel guilty for grieving over one more than the other or not thinking of them at all at times.
See, I cling to those memories with every fiber of my being because they are all I have left of the best two men I have known and the first two loves of my life. My heroes, my blood, my family.
My brother Danny with his three daughters |
But this year, I realized that I can't check out anymore. I'm not that person anymore. There's this thing called Growth that has taken control of my life and it's a good thing, even though I went into it kicking and screaming. It's harder to let yourself feel because that means facing things head on.
The new normal is good. And I have realized that it's okay to be thankful even after suffering a great loss.
I'm thankful to still be alive and I can feel something wonderful is on its way in my career and in my life. I'm thankful for my mom and nieces. I'm thankful that I'm on the road to healing and becoming the best person I can be.
The holidays are always a time of reflection -- it's bittersweet for me. But I am learning to be thankful and happy, even after such a great loss in my life.
Now Thanksgiving and Christmas was still hella hard. I fell into a place of depression and it was a daily fight to emerge from that black hole that had become so familiar and at times, actually felt safe. I can stand still and not let the world in. I clung to that sadness in a way because it made those memories of them present and dominant in my mind.
But after Christmas, I was done. Something in me had changed. I could not live each holiday season like this. I was feeling different and I felt I was ready to let go.
So this New Year's Eve, for the first time in six years, I did not sob in bed. I decided to go into the New Year with a smile. I did not watch the ball drop as that is a trigger for me in terms of making me sad and mourn what I lost or don't have in my life. I ushered in the New Year listening to Stevie Wonder's Superstition and playing Uno online. And I was happy.
Grief is a process with no timetable. I am healing little by little one day at a time. I continue to go to therapy once a week and I am learning that I will never forget my dad and brother no matter how much time has passed. They will always be with me.
It's okay to miss them. It's okay to cry sometimes. It's okay to grieve. But I refuse to let my grief define me or take over my life. There will always a tough moment but why should I give my time away to grief? Why should my life stop? I know that's not what my dad and brother would want.
I also have learned to assert myself more and know that it's only up to me on how I grieve. And it's okay for me to let people know that. I will not "get over it" and I am not "dwelling" on it. No one knows the relationship I had with them nor do they know how I feel. We all have our own experiences and how we grieve. We all have different ways to deal with grief and I believe we should be considerate and understanding of that. So I basically tell others now who criticize me in this respect, "Let me live and I will let you live." Because see, there is no wrong way to grieve. You just do.
Next up, the month of April... my dad's 7th anniversary is April 10th and my brother's birthday is April 22nd. Usually, that month is so hard for me but this year, I am hopeful it will be a little easier. That's what self-healing is all about. I want to live again and not just exist. Not only for myself but for them.
But after Christmas, I was done. Something in me had changed. I could not live each holiday season like this. I was feeling different and I felt I was ready to let go.
So this New Year's Eve, for the first time in six years, I did not sob in bed. I decided to go into the New Year with a smile. I did not watch the ball drop as that is a trigger for me in terms of making me sad and mourn what I lost or don't have in my life. I ushered in the New Year listening to Stevie Wonder's Superstition and playing Uno online. And I was happy.
Grief is a process with no timetable. I am healing little by little one day at a time. I continue to go to therapy once a week and I am learning that I will never forget my dad and brother no matter how much time has passed. They will always be with me.
What my dad wrote in my autograph book when I graduated from elementary school - he knew back then of my greatness. |
My dad and I in Atlantic City |
Next up, the month of April... my dad's 7th anniversary is April 10th and my brother's birthday is April 22nd. Usually, that month is so hard for me but this year, I am hopeful it will be a little easier. That's what self-healing is all about. I want to live again and not just exist. Not only for myself but for them.
"Traveling. It leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller." ~ Ibn Battuta
Right after Thanksgiving, I got a text from someone offering me a wonderful opportunity that I knew was a sign that amazing things are coming. YEAH!
Photography: Jessica Milagros / Jacket: Torrid |
That someone was Melina Alarcon, designer and owner of Generose, a new plus size women's clothing line, designed by her and manufactured in her home country of Mexico.
I met Melina at Full Figured Fashion Week in June 2017 where she showed her collection at the event's finale runway showcase. I remember sitting front row with Maddy Jones, Editor-in-Chief of Plus Model Magazine, and constantly turning to her and ooooohing and ahhhhing as each look hit the runway.
Generose on the runway at FFF Week 2017 |
Me with Maddy Jones (center) and Sarah Chiwaya of the blog Curvily Fashion |
See, Melina had a dream to be able to offer stylish and high-quality clothing to plus size women, particularly over a size 22. In Mexico, plus size fashion is not very accessible and most plus size women in Mexico shop online or travel into the US to shop. There are no plus size stores to shop in and there's not even a big plus size fashion presence there. Melina wants to change that.
Melina Alarcon |
As a Latina and a woman over a size 22, I felt her passion and believed in it. I believe no woman should be deprived of fashion and accessible clothing in her size. Your weight or size should have nothing to do with you dressing well. Fashion can help you build your confidence and self love and then that, in turn, will inspire you to live your best life.
One of Melina's sketches for Generose |
Melina and I spent some time in Atlanta last summer at the TCF Style Expo, which she invited me to attend with her as her guest. It really gave us the opportunity to get to know each other and also for me to try on some of her dresses!
I loved her idea of including an inner corset so you have all the support you need to the point where you don't even have to wear a bra! The way she designs her dresses are smart and meant to celebrate your curves. Yup, not wearing a bra in the above images and I'm an F cup.
Fast forward to last month and that text...
Melina asked if I would come to Mexico City and be her size 28 fit model, as well as offer any fit input and ideas. WOW! This was a major opportunity I could not turn down so of course, I said yes! You rarely see fit models my size used so this was something I could not pass up.
So off to Mexico City I went! I was only there two days and I was exhausted the entire time from the high altitude that caused me to have a headache and aggravated my sinuses. But I did not let that stop me from enjoying this experience to the fullest and being present for it. When you are working as a model in any capacity, there is no space for complaining, slacking or a bad attitude. You'd be surprised at how fast word travels when a model is unprofessional while on a job. Plus, I was so humbled at the opportunity that I could have been on crutches and I still would have done it.
Molletes con Tecino AKA Spanish bread with frijoles, toasted with cheese and bacon - YUM! |
Size 16 fit model |
I went in with the mindset that I was not only offering feedback from my point of view but also other women who may not have the same body shape as mine. I'm a cross between an hourglass and pear, not quite either one. And I have large upper arms and large calves. However, I do know women my size who have smaller arms than I or larger hips or who carry their weight in the belly or on top. I feel ALL these women have to be represented and while it's tough to design ready-to-wear clothing to fit all shapes and sizes, it can be done.
I have a long torso and short legs despite being 5'7" so I need a shorter inseam even though I am not considered petite. But there are those of us with the opposite situation too! And let's not forget the tall girls either. So this was a great opportunity to not only educate others on plus size bodies but also showing them that when it fits well, it looks amazing!
I left Mexico City feeling so excited as to what's to come. Melina said I would be back for more fittings and who knows after that? This is why I always tell others that it pays to be nice to people, network and be authentic. Always remain humble and know that no one owes you a thing. I don't care if you have 1 million followers on social media or the most perfect images in the world, you are not entitled to anything. You have to chase your own dreams, be willing to work hard and be true to yourself.
Never compare your journey to someone else's. If someone else received any opportunity that you wanted, that just means it was not meant for you. And that's okay because there are other amazing things out there meant just for you.
For me, I'm realizing I'm more passionate about making my voice in this industry from a fit perspective. We all have our part in advancing plus size fashion and I feel like this is what I am meant to be doing. This has been something that I have been involved in for years but I was so focused on doing other things and watching what others were doing that I couldn't see it. Now I do.
When you realize your purpose, the sky's the limit. You just gotta keep it real with yourself. And be open to the possibilities.
Mexico City was magical. It was filled with street art, vintage cars, the hustle and bustle of a city on the move as well as friendly folks. Not to mention it's so cheap for us because the US dollar is strong there. Great food, so many great sights to see and just overall, an unforgettable city.
Stay tuned to the blog next week for more on my trip, including my experience flying with Interjet and my review of a piece from Melina's Spring 2018 RTW line for Generose.
You can check out more of Generose on Instagram here.
What do you want to see in plus size fashion (in terms of styles and pieces), especially for women over a size 22? I would love to know so hit me up in the comments below!
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