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"Listening is being able to be changed by the other person." ~Alan Alda
Dealing with grief and the effects of it on my life has taught me many lessons. One of the greatest ones has been to listen more, talk less.
It's so easy to judge someone from your own experiences when they are confiding in you. One of my best friends reminded me of that this morning. We look at the situation from our own perspectives and how we would deal with it, not taking into account that not everyone deals with things in the same way. And we never know the full story; only what is told to us.
Our initial reactions is usually to start talking, offer advice and try to "fix" the problem. We mean well but honestly, ask yourself, have I really listened to the other person? Did they ask me for advice? Or did they just want to be heard?
Most times, it's the latter.
Trust me, when someone wants help, they will ask for it. But many times, many of us make the assumption that if someone confides in us, they want our help. And that is not a correct assumption nine times out of ten.
For me, I yearn to be heard, especially now. I am far from perfect but know my shortcomings. I know where I need to be better and I know what I need to do. But I also yearn to be able to confide in someone and just be heard. Emotions are not easy to keep contained because the weight of them can sometimes be overwhelming. This is why letting go and talking about them feels so amazing. It makes our spirits lighter and it feels good to talk some things out loud and gain more clarity outside of our emotions.
However, this is where you learn the hard way that you can't confide in everyone. And you also have to understand that people are human. Not everyone is a listener. Everyone plays a role in your life and not all are meant to be those who you can confide in.
This holiday season will be a tough one for my family and I since it will be the first one without my niece Teรก. For me, I will be completely honest and admit that I struggle but I also take it one day at a time. So for me to be able to lean on those I know I can confide in without them trying to "fix" me is such a welcomed thing.
To be able to talk to someone who doesn't judge you and just listens and offers support is something that is invaluable. With the holiday season being tough for many, having someone to talk to is key.
I am also still in therapy, four years later and I am not ashamed to admit that publicly. Seeking professional help is one of the best things you can do for your self care. There is nothing wrong with doing so either. My therapist has saved my life. She has helped with me becoming more self aware and becoming a better person. She offers me the space to talk and not be judged. And she makes sense of things that I don't. It helps tremendously to be able to speak freely and have someone get it.
You don't have to understand what someone is going through to know the right thing to say. There is never the right thing to say. But we all have the capacity to love and support someone unconditionally without inserting yourself into the situation. It's not about what you would do but instead how can you help.
Most of the time, that help is just listening to the other person and supporting them.
If you're feeling down or depressed this holiday season, just know you are not alone. And again, there's nothing wrong with seeking help and someone professional to talk to. Here's some ways to reach out if you are in need...
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Their network of crisis centers provide emotional support and guidance to people in distress and are also available via a chat service and a special hotline number for the hearing impaired: 1-800-799-4889.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA): 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
SAMHSA’s behavioral health treatment services locator is an easy and anonymous way to locate treatment facilities and other resources, such as support groups and counselors, to treat and manage depression.
You can also call your health insurance provider and ask for some therapists in your area that accept your insurance. No insurance? Head to Google to see what groups and centers are in your area that can offer low-cost counseling or group meetings.
I, for one, will be listening more this holiday season and holding space for those who need it, as I know others are doing the same for me. I know I am not alone.
Be kind to yourself and always remember that self care matters. Love you all.
"Some guy said to me: 'Don't you think you're too old to sing rock n' roll?' I said: 'You'd better check with Mick Jagger.'" ~ Cher
Hey, I'm over 40! **gasps** |
I was watching The Ellen Degeneres Show this week and she talked about how her age is always stated when she is mentioned in the media. And she wondered why the media felt the need to always mention her age instead of her accolades and achievements.
Hell, why not mention her job title or even her eye color? Nope, just her age. And for the record, she is 60, to which I was shocked to learn. She looks damn good.
I also noticed that when I typed in her name on Google, the first suggested search that came up was "Ellen Degeneres age" above her name.
Actress Julia Roberts, Ellen's guest during this show, also expressed her annoyance with news outlets front-loading their stories with a celebrity’s age. It rarely happens with younger folks or even older men. Julia is 51.
So why is a woman's age such a big deal?
Peep this.
- Suzanne Collins was 46 when she wrote "The Hunger Games".
- E. L. James was 46 when she wrote "Fifty Shades of Grey".
- Iris Apfel is a major fashion icon at age 97, having been the face of Australian brand Blue Illusion at age 94 and was a visiting professor at University of Texas at Austin at the age of 90.
- Ann Dowd earned her first Primetime Emmy Award nomination at the age of 61 for her role as Aunt Lydia on Hulu's The Handmaid's Tale.
Now I ask again, why is a woman's age such a big deal?
I recently saw Ann Dowd speak at Glamour's Women of the Year Summit and was in awe. It was that day that I decided I wasn't going to hide my own age anymore and not be too hard on myself for not getting everything I wanted accomplished by a certain age.
She spoke about getting her big break late in life (in her 50's) and how she learned to create her own timeline. We are fed this notion that we have to do all these things before a certain age because God forbid we do some amazing shit when we're "old".
Me doing some amazing shit at the age of 47 |
What is "old" exactly? Just like size, age is often judged by its number and we are more than a number.
Getting back to me (yes, I was deflecting cause I fully admit this is hard)... My name is Marcy and I am 48 years old.
Yep, I'll be 50 in two years and I have been struggling with that BIG TIME. 50 seems like such a major milestone where you are now crossing over from young to old. It's that median mark where now you're like, damn, I am a half century old.
I don't feel 50. I mean, what is 50 supposed to feel like? Or look like?
I see other women who are my age or around my age and some look much older than me and some don't. I am blessed to not look my age and still get the dropped jaws when I tell people how old I am. So for me, it feels weird to get older because time seems to be flying yet I feel like I am standing still. Does that make sense?
I've also encountered ageism in the sense where I have been told I shouldn't do this or that, shouldn't wear this or that, and etc. I just want to know who created these rules and why should we follow them?
So many questions and no answers. But I have learned that the answers to these questions are subjective. WE ARE WHO WE ARE. WE FEEL WHAT WE FEEL. And age should not have anything to do with that.
Sure, from a physical standpoint, things are changing. I have menopause to look forward to (NOT). I'm now wearing reading classes because after spending most of my life with almost perfect sight, I am now far-sighted. I suffer from arthritis and now have to get extra tests at the doctor to check for illnesses that happen after a certain age.
However, from a mental perspective, while I feel like I am wiser and more self aware, I still feel youthful and free. I still feel like I can conquer the world and I admit I still love to get on a swing at the park or run around freely in an open space. Plus, I still have my hot mess moments where I sometimes question what the hell am I doing.
The notion that you have your life together when you're a certain age is BS. Life is a journey where you are always figuring things out. I think as long as you are open to the possibilities and have committed to nourishing your relationship with yourself, it's okay to not have it together.
Nothing is perfect and your age should not be some indicator of life and where you should be. Self love is a lifelong journey that never stops and it shouldn't. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one you will have in your life.
So I remind myself daily of what Ann Dowd said on that stage...
Keep the love story alive; the love of what you do. Celebrate the small wins. Stay humble and grateful for every single day and everything that happens in that day. It will suit you and support you. Always remember the answer is within you because your heart and soul are your compass to life. Don't obsess on the How. Just remind yourself in the mirror that you are in charge of who you are.
Yes, I am 48 but that doesn't define who I am by a long shot. Get ready 2019! I am fully prepared to do some more amazing shit going into Year 49.
And maybe I should start thinking about what I will do to usher in Year 50. Turning a half century old is kind of cool, when you think about it.
Read Ann Dowd's speech here on Glamour's website. #BeInspired #ICertainlyWas
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