Dating Fearlessly: Knowing Your Value

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

It’s hard being single, especially when you get into your 30’s and 40’s, Believe me, this I know. For many of us, there’s that pressure of settling down, maybe having kids. I know for me, I expected to be married with kids already at this stage of my life. But here I am, single with no kids at the age of 41. 

Ironically, it seems as if every guy I date wants to knock me up. It’s like I’m this mythical creature, this unicorn amongst single women…the 40-something year old woman who has no kids and is a good catch. You can see it in their eyes when I tell them I have no kids. It's like they get starry-eyed, lol. And it becomes a challenge to them to be the one who knocked me up. It's crazy when you think about it. The offers have been tempting but yeah, going to have to pass. I think I am going to hold out until I meet the one because I think I am worth having the whole package and not just being someone's baby mama.  

What I have learned in dating is that it is so important to know your self-worth and value. If you don’t know how much you’re worth, you will have failed relationships and keep dating and meeting the same type of person in different shoes. This happens because if you don’t know your worth, you will settle for the first person who comes along. You will deal with being treated crappy. You will let someone mistreat you because you think you don’t deserve better and that you might not find someone else better.

The way we see ourselves and our worth totally relies on the story we tell ourselves. If we tell ourselves we are not worthy or when we tell ourselves that we need to be with someone because we are lonely... I could go on... that becomes who we are and others see that. That is how you attract the wrong person. We live in a world where there are good men and women but there are also a lot of players and users out there. You can’t distinguish between the two if you don’t even hold yourself in high regard.

What I have learned the hard way is that you never have to PROVE your worth to someone. What I mean by that is forcing the other person to like or be into you by going out of your way to do things for them and just basically chasing that person after that person shows you they are not interested.  If that person is not interested, he/she is not interested. Nothing you can do will change that. And if you have to prove your value to someone, they are not right for you. The right person will know your value and will cherish that. They will respect that and will honor you.

Basically what you're doing is letting this other person use you. If the person is a good person, they will let you know upfront that they are not interested. If the person is a player or user, they know they can control you now because you will do anything you can to keep them. Not a good place to be. You never want to give someone else the power over you. I don't care if they're fantastic in bed or are good company. You can't look at the bits they are giving have to look at the big picture. Are they truly fulfilling you and your needs? Are you always the one calling or doing things for them and not getting the same treatment in return? Are they always calling, wanting you to do something for them? We can make excuses for them but at the end of the day, if they really valued your worth and honored you, there would be no question of your standing in their life. 

It all starts with YOU. You have to know your value, your worth. You have to tell yourself the story of how great a catch you are. And you have to believe that story. Once you believe, the rest is gravy. Just be you. Don’t worry about a thing. Just let go of trying to control the situation and see what happens. Trust me, you will be surprised.

For me, once I stopped trying to prove my value to my ex, it was as if the blinders came off. He still tried to come back but on his terms, when he wanted something. But I saw that he didn’t cherish or honor me. I was not a priority to him. He wanted what he wanted from me and that’s it. And I allowed him to mistreat me because I didn’t know my full worth. I allowed him to disrespect me. That happened because I was worrying too much about time. I was worrying about my biological clock and was trying to control the situation in order to make it happen NOW.  He was there; he was willing to give me a child BUT he was not willing to give me everything I needed. I was settling because of my worrying over my age.

Now, as I look forward to my 42nd birthday in 12 days, I am not worried. Things will happen when they are meant to happen. And I know my worth. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I just have to be me and live life as best as I can. I am confident that I will get that family one day. It’ll be a little later than I thought but it will come.

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