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On my road to fearless moments, the one thing I have learned is that if you don't admit something, you can't be accountable for it. Not being accountable is the same as not working on the problem. When you own something, you can then work on making it better. With that said, I have something to admit to the world.
I am not fluent in Spanish.
There, I said it. And I feel so much better having said it out loud.
I am Puerto-rican. And I have spent my whole life being told the following things:
- Since I was not born in Puerto Rico, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I was born in New York so I am what is referred to as a Nuyorican. And believe me, that title comes with the side-eye, lip smack, dirty look, and whatever else can show the distaste towards someone who was not born in their homeland.
- Since I was born with white skin and cannot tan for the life of me, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I look like a white girl and since I was a book nerd and a smart kid, I acted like a white girl, too (insert my own side-eye here). I was told that no one would be able to tell I was Latina because my skin was too white. Add to that, that I have freckles and was born with blonde hair (that got darker as I got older). I was known as the "blanquita" of the family. In other words, THE WHITE GIRL.
- Since I do not solely listen to salsa and merengue music nor do I like foods like pollo guisado / carne guisada (spanish style chicken or beef stew), bacalao (boiled codfish), pulpo (octopus) and wasn't a big rice and beans eater, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I was a picky eater when I was a kid and still am, somewhat. I have grown to embrace rice and beans but still, I can't eat it everyday.
- Since I am not fluent in Spanish or speak it regularly, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I can't roll my R's nor do I have that accent where I sound like I am speaking Spanish perfectly as if it were my native language. This is the one thing that bothers me the most because I get criticized the most when I attempt to learn and speak Spanish. This has made me loathe the very language that is my heritage. It has made me not want to speak it at all and become angry with those who live in this country and don't speak a word of English. I spent many years holding that anger within. It was me deflecting my own pain of being judged on my Spanish speaking ability.
For most of my life, I will admit that I have pretended to be fluent and gotten by. It's incredible. I know. I speak Spanglish, which is speaking a little Spanish infused with lots of English. So it appears as if you know what you're talking about when you honestly don't. I have mastered the art of nodding my head and acting like I know what someone is saying to me when they speak Spanish to me. Most of the time, I can figure it out if I know what the main words mean in English. Thank goodness I am smart enough to do that because it saved me on many occasions. I once took a customer service job that required me to speak Spanish. I don't know how I did it for two years but I did. I spoke the basics and had my cheat cards.
It has taken me years to overcome this identity crisis I have. We are all classified by race and ethnicity. And when you don't look like what you are classified to be, it can really mess with your head. You begin to question where you fit in. And I think that attributed to me wanting to fit in somewhere, anywhere.
In college, I became obsessed with Malcolm X, Public Enemy and protesting life's issues. The African group at school accepted me with open arms, white skin and all. I wore conch shells in my hair, big hoop earrings and lots of gold bangles on my arm with fists on them. I never felt so free in my life. But when I looked in the mirror, I saw my white skin and was reminded that no matter how hard I pretended, I didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere.
White people knew I was not one of them. And Latinos didn't want me because I was too white. Blacks embraced me because while I had white skin, when I opened my mouth, they would say "I sounded like a black girl." Whatever that means. In other words, in their circles, I could pass. They would just overlook my skin because I had credibility in their eyes since I grew up in the projects aka THE HOOD. I was used to hearing that often from my black friends. I listened to rap and hip hop and didn't embrace my Latino culture as I was expected to, mainly out of rebellion. How dare you tell me how I should be in order to get my Latina card?
On my dad's side of my family, I have black relatives so even though, my blackness was a small percentage, I embraced that fiercely and still do. Because I have always felt at ease in those circles. I never felt judged at all. I was accepted and loved for who I was.
The problem was within me. I am not 100%. But I am getting there. My first trip out to Puerto Rico was back in 1998. And it was one of the best trips ever. As my parents and I were leaving the airport, I inhaled deeply and looked at the sky. This overwhelming feeling came over me. I felt like I was home. And no one can ever take that away from me.
I spent many years giving others the power over me and letting them put me in a space where I created this identity crisis that I held onto for so long. It was all on me. Now I know, I have a choice. This is me. And if you can't accept me for who I am, white skin, freckles, English speaking and all, then I don't need you in my life. Everyone has their own opinions on who someone should be. But that is an opinion and not a fact. As I drove through the island so many years ago, I saw many shades of colors. Some even looked like me! When I started to read up on Puerto Rican history, I learned that Puerto Ricans are a mixture of Spaniard, Taino Indian and African. So we're mixed, too. I don't understand why some old-school Puerto Ricans refuse to acknowledge that there is no one cookie cutter look for a Puerto Rican because of who we are ethnically.
The Spanish thing...I know now that it is all about fear. I am scared of sounding like a hot mess. Not pronouncing things right or conjugating my verbs wrong. But then I remember something that Anthony Bourdain once said about learning to speak different languages. He said something to the effect of, you have to not be afraid of sounding like an idiot and making a fool out of yourself because you will, when you start learning a new language. But in time, you will get it. On that note, let me put this Rosetta Stone CD in and get to work.
Que tengas un gran dia! Did I get that right? lol
I am not fluent in Spanish.
There, I said it. And I feel so much better having said it out loud.
I am Puerto-rican. And I have spent my whole life being told the following things:
- Since I was not born in Puerto Rico, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I was born in New York so I am what is referred to as a Nuyorican. And believe me, that title comes with the side-eye, lip smack, dirty look, and whatever else can show the distaste towards someone who was not born in their homeland.
- Since I was born with white skin and cannot tan for the life of me, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I look like a white girl and since I was a book nerd and a smart kid, I acted like a white girl, too (insert my own side-eye here). I was told that no one would be able to tell I was Latina because my skin was too white. Add to that, that I have freckles and was born with blonde hair (that got darker as I got older). I was known as the "blanquita" of the family. In other words, THE WHITE GIRL.
- Since I do not solely listen to salsa and merengue music nor do I like foods like pollo guisado / carne guisada (spanish style chicken or beef stew), bacalao (boiled codfish), pulpo (octopus) and wasn't a big rice and beans eater, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I was a picky eater when I was a kid and still am, somewhat. I have grown to embrace rice and beans but still, I can't eat it everyday.
- Since I am not fluent in Spanish or speak it regularly, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I can't roll my R's nor do I have that accent where I sound like I am speaking Spanish perfectly as if it were my native language. This is the one thing that bothers me the most because I get criticized the most when I attempt to learn and speak Spanish. This has made me loathe the very language that is my heritage. It has made me not want to speak it at all and become angry with those who live in this country and don't speak a word of English. I spent many years holding that anger within. It was me deflecting my own pain of being judged on my Spanish speaking ability.
For most of my life, I will admit that I have pretended to be fluent and gotten by. It's incredible. I know. I speak Spanglish, which is speaking a little Spanish infused with lots of English. So it appears as if you know what you're talking about when you honestly don't. I have mastered the art of nodding my head and acting like I know what someone is saying to me when they speak Spanish to me. Most of the time, I can figure it out if I know what the main words mean in English. Thank goodness I am smart enough to do that because it saved me on many occasions. I once took a customer service job that required me to speak Spanish. I don't know how I did it for two years but I did. I spoke the basics and had my cheat cards.
It has taken me years to overcome this identity crisis I have. We are all classified by race and ethnicity. And when you don't look like what you are classified to be, it can really mess with your head. You begin to question where you fit in. And I think that attributed to me wanting to fit in somewhere, anywhere.
In college, I became obsessed with Malcolm X, Public Enemy and protesting life's issues. The African group at school accepted me with open arms, white skin and all. I wore conch shells in my hair, big hoop earrings and lots of gold bangles on my arm with fists on them. I never felt so free in my life. But when I looked in the mirror, I saw my white skin and was reminded that no matter how hard I pretended, I didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere.
White people knew I was not one of them. And Latinos didn't want me because I was too white. Blacks embraced me because while I had white skin, when I opened my mouth, they would say "I sounded like a black girl." Whatever that means. In other words, in their circles, I could pass. They would just overlook my skin because I had credibility in their eyes since I grew up in the projects aka THE HOOD. I was used to hearing that often from my black friends. I listened to rap and hip hop and didn't embrace my Latino culture as I was expected to, mainly out of rebellion. How dare you tell me how I should be in order to get my Latina card?
On my dad's side of my family, I have black relatives so even though, my blackness was a small percentage, I embraced that fiercely and still do. Because I have always felt at ease in those circles. I never felt judged at all. I was accepted and loved for who I was.
The problem was within me. I am not 100%. But I am getting there. My first trip out to Puerto Rico was back in 1998. And it was one of the best trips ever. As my parents and I were leaving the airport, I inhaled deeply and looked at the sky. This overwhelming feeling came over me. I felt like I was home. And no one can ever take that away from me.
I spent many years giving others the power over me and letting them put me in a space where I created this identity crisis that I held onto for so long. It was all on me. Now I know, I have a choice. This is me. And if you can't accept me for who I am, white skin, freckles, English speaking and all, then I don't need you in my life. Everyone has their own opinions on who someone should be. But that is an opinion and not a fact. As I drove through the island so many years ago, I saw many shades of colors. Some even looked like me! When I started to read up on Puerto Rican history, I learned that Puerto Ricans are a mixture of Spaniard, Taino Indian and African. So we're mixed, too. I don't understand why some old-school Puerto Ricans refuse to acknowledge that there is no one cookie cutter look for a Puerto Rican because of who we are ethnically.
The Spanish thing...I know now that it is all about fear. I am scared of sounding like a hot mess. Not pronouncing things right or conjugating my verbs wrong. But then I remember something that Anthony Bourdain once said about learning to speak different languages. He said something to the effect of, you have to not be afraid of sounding like an idiot and making a fool out of yourself because you will, when you start learning a new language. But in time, you will get it. On that note, let me put this Rosetta Stone CD in and get to work.
Que tengas un gran dia! Did I get that right? lol
Part of being fearless is having the courage to not give up while struggling through something. To me, giving up is the same as taking the cowardly way out because you're scared of what's to come and if you fail. But honestly, you won't know the outcome of your struggle until you try.
One of the best things my dad ever told me was that “it’s okay to fail.” Failing to him was not a negative thing at all. At least, you tried and did not quit. He believed that you're already a winner, as long as you tried your best and didn't give up. He always told me that too many people view a failure as a negative thing when actually, it's a blessing because it allows you to learn a lesson that you might not have learned had you done everything right. How you choose to look at things is such an important factor when you're struggling and trying to emerge victorious from that struggle. A victory may not always be what we envision it to be. What I have learned in my life is that the true victory is seeing something through and not giving up. And that is just another part of the adventures in your life. I have learned that I can't control the outcome at the end but I can control if I want to keep going towards my goal despite the hardships that come along with it. I can also control how I want to keep going and what to do next. We always have a choice.
If you fail and try again and again, I promise you that you will win more than you fail. It's like when you first learn to play chess and play against a better opponent, who knows the game perfectly. You will lose at first but as you lose, you learn. You learn what mistakes you have made and as you keep trying, you become stronger and wiser to the game until you win. You win because you make better choices based on what you have learned from your previous losses.
I'm going through this phase in my life now where I am more self-aware and more bolder in the choices I am making in my life. I am tuning out the voices from outside and listening to my mind, heart and gut. There are a few goals I have for myself that people are telling me are impossible. But I refuse to let that stop me from doing what I want to do in life. As long as I am not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal, I'm good. I truly believe nothing is impossible in this life, if you want it badly enough. Nothing great is ever easily acquired. You have to believe you are strong enough to get through the hurdles within that struggle to get to that goal.
I have made the choice to be happy, even if it means making some others around me unhappy. Not everyone will understand my choices in life but if they are really in my corner, they will accept them and be happy for me. At the end of the day, YOU have to do what makes you happy. You are the owner of your life. And you get to chose how you live that life.
The main reason for this blog is for me to tell my story in hopes that I can inspire just one person in my lifetime to live a life full of fearless moments, lots of Snoopy dancing, laughing and that flutter you feel in the pit in your stomach when you do something adventurous. Because that is what I strive for on a daily basis and I think that's what we all should strive for on a daily basis. Life is short. Adventures and fearless moments are subjective. Your adventure or moment is not the same as mine. What counts is that it makes you happy. Everyone should strive to do things in their lives that make them happy. No apologies needed.
One of the best things my dad ever told me was that “it’s okay to fail.” Failing to him was not a negative thing at all. At least, you tried and did not quit. He believed that you're already a winner, as long as you tried your best and didn't give up. He always told me that too many people view a failure as a negative thing when actually, it's a blessing because it allows you to learn a lesson that you might not have learned had you done everything right. How you choose to look at things is such an important factor when you're struggling and trying to emerge victorious from that struggle. A victory may not always be what we envision it to be. What I have learned in my life is that the true victory is seeing something through and not giving up. And that is just another part of the adventures in your life. I have learned that I can't control the outcome at the end but I can control if I want to keep going towards my goal despite the hardships that come along with it. I can also control how I want to keep going and what to do next. We always have a choice.
If you fail and try again and again, I promise you that you will win more than you fail. It's like when you first learn to play chess and play against a better opponent, who knows the game perfectly. You will lose at first but as you lose, you learn. You learn what mistakes you have made and as you keep trying, you become stronger and wiser to the game until you win. You win because you make better choices based on what you have learned from your previous losses.
I'm going through this phase in my life now where I am more self-aware and more bolder in the choices I am making in my life. I am tuning out the voices from outside and listening to my mind, heart and gut. There are a few goals I have for myself that people are telling me are impossible. But I refuse to let that stop me from doing what I want to do in life. As long as I am not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal, I'm good. I truly believe nothing is impossible in this life, if you want it badly enough. Nothing great is ever easily acquired. You have to believe you are strong enough to get through the hurdles within that struggle to get to that goal.
I have made the choice to be happy, even if it means making some others around me unhappy. Not everyone will understand my choices in life but if they are really in my corner, they will accept them and be happy for me. At the end of the day, YOU have to do what makes you happy. You are the owner of your life. And you get to chose how you live that life.
The main reason for this blog is for me to tell my story in hopes that I can inspire just one person in my lifetime to live a life full of fearless moments, lots of Snoopy dancing, laughing and that flutter you feel in the pit in your stomach when you do something adventurous. Because that is what I strive for on a daily basis and I think that's what we all should strive for on a daily basis. Life is short. Adventures and fearless moments are subjective. Your adventure or moment is not the same as mine. What counts is that it makes you happy. Everyone should strive to do things in their lives that make them happy. No apologies needed.
Audrey really knew what she was talking about. :) |
This weekend was my niece's 11th birthday. No matter what, we as a family, always put something together. It can be something small as cutting a cake and playing Just Dance 4 on the Wii or something big like going out to an amusement park or having a large party. I have three nieces and two of them have birthdays two weeks apart so at this point, we do small scale.
The most important thing to us is that we celebrate their day. And the girls are happy to just see decorations, cake and the gifts. They see the gifts and they don't even care who else is there. My youngest niece doesn't even care what the gifts are, to be honest. She just likes unwrapping the gifts and being the center of attention. It reminds me of how my brother and I grew up. Our parents always made a point to make birthdays extra special. To them, a birthday is a celebration of you and what you bring to this world. Now, I want to point out that I think you should celebrate yourself daily but your birthday is that day you celebrate the most. It's your own personal holiday.
It really saddens me when I ask someone what they are doing for their birthday and they reply, "Oh, nothing. It's just another day." To me, that's like saying you are just another person. That you're not special and worthy of celebration. We are all worthy of celebration. And I think we should never take our lives for granted and lose sight of who we are and what we bring to this world. If you can't regard yourself as special and worthy of celebrating, how can you expect others to? How can you expect others to see your greatness?
As I watched my niece blow out her candles, it made me so happy for the future when I will get to do the same with my own children. I will never forget the look on her face when she walked through the door and saw the decorations. This family tradition of celebrating birthdays is something I hope will be passed on for many generations to come. As we become adults, many of us get so caught up in the everyday stuff that we forget to celebrate ourselves and be thankful for the life we have.
The most important thing to us is that we celebrate their day. And the girls are happy to just see decorations, cake and the gifts. They see the gifts and they don't even care who else is there. My youngest niece doesn't even care what the gifts are, to be honest. She just likes unwrapping the gifts and being the center of attention. It reminds me of how my brother and I grew up. Our parents always made a point to make birthdays extra special. To them, a birthday is a celebration of you and what you bring to this world. Now, I want to point out that I think you should celebrate yourself daily but your birthday is that day you celebrate the most. It's your own personal holiday.
It really saddens me when I ask someone what they are doing for their birthday and they reply, "Oh, nothing. It's just another day." To me, that's like saying you are just another person. That you're not special and worthy of celebration. We are all worthy of celebration. And I think we should never take our lives for granted and lose sight of who we are and what we bring to this world. If you can't regard yourself as special and worthy of celebrating, how can you expect others to? How can you expect others to see your greatness?
As I watched my niece blow out her candles, it made me so happy for the future when I will get to do the same with my own children. I will never forget the look on her face when she walked through the door and saw the decorations. This family tradition of celebrating birthdays is something I hope will be passed on for many generations to come. As we become adults, many of us get so caught up in the everyday stuff that we forget to celebrate ourselves and be thankful for the life we have.
Every Thursday, I will "turn back time" and feature a past blog piece I have written that was popular with readers. This week's feature is a three-part installment I wrote for my weekly Fearless Fridays column over at Belle-Noir Magazine. They are, to date, my most read and popular pieces on that site. I guess it's because they're all about travel.
I am a firm believer that traveling is good for the soul. Some people say, "Oh, I can't travel because I don't have the money." That is not true. I am someone on a tight budget and I travel. It's all about being savvy and doing your research. You also have to be flexible in what you're looking for. For instance, if you only want to travel on weekends and holidays, you have to be prepared to see a spike in prices because those are popular times to travel. I talk about that and more in the below blog posts.
Happy reading and please let me know what you think!
Fearless Flying: Oh, The Places You'll Go - Part 1
Fearless Flying: Let's Hit The Road - Part 2
Fearless Flying: Tips For The Plus-size Traveler (or anyone, really, to be honest)
I am a firm believer that traveling is good for the soul. Some people say, "Oh, I can't travel because I don't have the money." That is not true. I am someone on a tight budget and I travel. It's all about being savvy and doing your research. You also have to be flexible in what you're looking for. For instance, if you only want to travel on weekends and holidays, you have to be prepared to see a spike in prices because those are popular times to travel. I talk about that and more in the below blog posts.
Happy reading and please let me know what you think!
Fearless Flying: Oh, The Places You'll Go - Part 1
Fearless Flying: Let's Hit The Road - Part 2
Fearless Flying: Tips For The Plus-size Traveler (or anyone, really, to be honest)
Part of striving to live a fearless life is to live life moment by moment. I spent years, worrying about the future and the unknown. When the Universe threw me for a loop, it forced me to change my perspective towards life.
Now that I live life moment to moment, it has made me more self-aware, which has been a blessing. To truly know about yourself and accept the good and the bad is the first step in fixing what you don’t like in your life but still maintaining happiness in the current moment. It’s not easy but when you can do this, you feel free.
So speaking from a moment to moment view, right now, I am struggling with that damn gray area in life. For me, things have always been either black or white. I have learned that life is never black and white. There will be gray areas. This rings true for me in my friendships, more so than anything.
I have had friendships where friends have done something to me that caused me to cut them off completely with no communication at all. Now I look back and realize that sometimes you have to let people off the hook. People are human and will make mistakes. Cutting people off immediately sometimes is not the right thing to do. I realized that I can’t view all my friendships in this black and white state of mind.
I hold myself to a high standard when it comes to being a friend to someone. I’m very big on loyalty, trust and honesty. I grew up on the mentality that “my word is my bond”. So my problem has been that I tend to expect others who are my friends to hold themselves to same high standards. I realize now that I can’t do that because I cannot expect others to be like me and I can’t control their actions.
All I can do is be the example and be the best friend I can be. Now that person may not return that example but that’s okay. I will receive that treatment from someone else since I am “sowing those seeds” of being a good person. Like it is said, whatever you put out into the world, you get back.
For instance, I spent a lot of time after my dad died, being angry at people who didn’t show up and be there for me. Then it hit me. Why am I wasting time mourning those who deserted me in my time of need? Instead I should be setting the example. When you remove expectations from the scenario and just be you, life is less complicated and you’re more at peace because you have let go of the frustrations and anger that comes with expectations.
Now I am not saying you should tolerate mistreatment from anyone. But what I am saying is that there will be times when people don’t show up. But you have to look at it on a friendship by friendship basis. You have to put yourself in that gray area and put aside your own feelings and expectations to truly see the situation for what it is. You never know what someone else is going through. If they are having a selfish moment, so be it. But it is up to you if you want to deal with them or not. That should not affect who you are as a person and stop you from being a blessing to others.
Gray means seeing both sides to the story. It means opening yourself to the possibilities and maybe saving a friendship.
The most important thing here is communication. Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday this week with Iyanla Vanzant was all about having difficult conversations. Many times, we don’t tell someone how we feel if they have done something that has hurt us. We internalize it and it turns into resentment. Then when we deal with that person going forward, we become passive aggressive or we distance ourselves from that person or worse, we pretend like nothing is wrong. That’s just being fake.
Believe me, the other person can tell if you are being fake or not. If your friendship has been one that means something to you, you are not being a good friend by being fake and not being honest about how you feel.
When you don’t say how you feel, wow, what a burden to carry. Seriously. Think about what would happen if you told your friend how you feel. You may be able to fix a friendship that could be stronger because of that bump in the road. They are your friend for a reason. That one thing that hurt you…is it worth throwing away a friendship?
True friends are hard to find and I have learned that they should not be tossed in the garbage because they did not do what I expected them to do. Until we have THAT conversation, there is still hope. And I have to remind myself that I might not get the closure I want. But closure is never what we think it should be. That’s where that gray area, I have learned to embrace, comes in.
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