"Grief is never something you get over. You don't wake up one morning and say, 'I've conquered that; now I'm moving on.' It's something that walks beside you every day. And if you can learn how to manage it and honor the person that you miss, you can take something that is incredibly sad and have some form of positivity." ~ Terri Irwin

"What if, today, we were grateful for everything?" ~ Charlie Brown

"Isn't it peculiar, Charlie Brown, how some traditions just slowly fade away?" - Lucy Van Pelt

When life throws you curveballs, you have to learn to roll with the punches, which is not always easy. I know this firsthand.

After losing half of my immediate family in a span of three years, the holidays became a time of sadness for me. I could not even think of getting out of bed, let alone celebrating family holiday traditions.

But in time, as I allowed myself to start healing and not be defined by my grief, I learned that it's okay to celebrate new traditions while still honoring the old ones. 

My mom doesn't cook anymore at home since it is just she and I. We go to my aunt Maria's house where there's salsa music blasting, lots of chatter and cooking in the kitchen and lots of laughter. My nieces celebrate the holiday with their mom, where they now have their own traditions.



One of my favorite traditions around the holidays is drinking coquito, which is the Puerto Rican version of spiked egg nog. 

And I have to admit, I also have my laptop in front of me, as I drink, trying to get in on some pre-Black Friday Thanksgiving online sales. Last year, I bought a new winter coat for $25 and scored some major deals for Christmas. Sometimes I don't sleep for 24 hours on Cyber Monday. Shopping on a budget is that serious to me, especially with three girls to buy gifts for.

While I am shopping online, my mom will sneak me some pasteles to eat while I wait for dinner to be done. Bless her heart. Man, I live for some pasteles, which we usually don't indulge in until the holidays. They're like tamales but the masa is made of plantains and yautía with chunks of pork in them. Yum.


My uncle is usually sitting in his recliner in the living room, some egg nog in his cup, watching soccer aka football -- he's from St Kitts and very serious about his soccer. I laugh when I think of him and his thick West Indian accent, yelling at the TV. LOL! When the turkey and pernil are done, he then has the honor of slicing the meat up for us to eat.


Some of my aunt's friends will come by for dinner and we say grace before we eat -- I have to admit, I always add (to myself) "Miss you Dad and Danny! You are never forgotten". While the old family traditions we shared don't happen anymore, I honor them to the fullest in my own way because the memories forever remain. However, part of moving on with life is going with the flow of change and in this case, that means embracing new traditions and things. This is what my dad and brother would want me to do.

We usually end dinner with dessert (and some more coquito, LOL) and sometimes we'll play Uno. My aunt usually makes sure to have pumpkin pie, apple pie and sweet potato pie. We leave the flan for Christmas and I'm drooling as I type this because flan is my world.

Enough about food... I still have a week to go before all that deliciousness so let me not digress.

Part of my new Thanksgiving tradition is also choosing a fabulous outfit to wear and making sure I am wearing something I love that's also comprised of the three C's: Chic, Casual and Comfy. 

Fashion has become a saving grace for me because it helps boost my spirit and make me feel good. I walk with an extra pep in my step when I am wearing something I love.



I can't believe I am saying this but I am in love with plaid and velvet this year. I used to hate them so much but the styles that I have been seeing this season has made me fall in love. 

When I saw this Love & Legend by Addition Elle Babydoll Mini Dress in Plaid at Gwynnie Bee, I knew this would be perfect as a Thanksgiving look. The fabric has stretch and almost feels like a light fleece, which is great for those brisk fall to winter days. The keyhole shows some cleavage and I love the knee length. It has 3/4 sleeves with elastic cuffs. I love the little ruffle detail at the waist too.


And this Military Velvet Jacket from Drew via Gwynnie Bee is a winner! Once I put it on, I felt like this jacket gave me LIFE. It elevated the dress to chic status and made me feel so fancy. I'm actually buying this jacket so it will not be going back. It's mine!

"Why change? Everyone has his own style. When you have found it, you should stick to it." ~ Audrey Hepburn

When you're told as a young child what to wear and what NOT to wear, it's hard to shake those fashion rules from your mind and not let it affect your style and what you wear. 

Looking back now, I see how suppressed I was fashion-wise and sometimes, I will admit, I feel like I wasted so much time listening to what others thought. But then I think of the overall journey and realize that I had to go through those moments to get to the place I am now. 



I'm 46 and I have mermaid hair, love wearing graphic tees, anything leopard print and sneakers. I love wearing pearl necklaces, bangle bracelets and hoop earrings. I love shiny things and all things sparkle. I own so many moto jackets in different colors and just love to mix lace and leather. I don't feel my age AT ALL.

And most importantly, I have learned that age, size and gender should never dictate your style and who you are.



I was reminded of that this weekend while my nieces visited. My middle niece is 14 and she's wonderfully different. She reminds me of myself. She loves wearing black and purple, loves skulls, leather, studded pieces, flannel shirts and Doc Martens. 



She is a brilliantly gifted artist who aspires to work for Disney Pixar one day. And she is currently having a hard time with being true to herself in this judgmental world.




Seems to me it's harder now than it was when I was coming up. I grew up in the 70's and 80's when there was no social media and we actually met up at 3pm after school to fight it out with our fists but even that was rare. Most times, situations were mediated and squashed quickly. You had that one bully in school but it wasn't to the extreme it is now.

Kids nowadays are ruthless with cyber bullying and memes. Cameras and video via their phones and now those fists have been replaced with guns. There isn't just one bully anymore to fear but a group of bullies -- sometimes it can feel like the whole school is against you. This is how my niece feels and I have to admit, I feel helpless and just want to take her out of school and protect her from the world.



This weekend, she was crying about Valentine's Day, saying that she refuses to wear a dress because that's not her. She said she'd rather wear jeans and a tee instead. And I was trying to console her and tell her that she can wear anything she wants, when my youngest niece Angel, who's 10, blurted out:

"Just dress how you want to be!"

Man, out the mouth of babes! We all just looked at her and I asked her to say that again. Who knew a 10-year old would change that moment into a positive one? 



It made me think how hard I fought against society and got to this place where I dress how I want to be. And my wish for all three of my nieces is for them to not wait until the age of 46 to dress how they want to be. This reminded me how important it is for me to share my journey with them and inspire them to be true to themselves. Everything I do, every step I take, is for them.

I know some people get annoyed with me or think I am some Pollyanna who is all about unicorns and rainbows. But I have to be that way for them. They have already lost their dad and no child should suffer a great loss like that. But it happens. So my life is now devoted to them.



Being different is amazing and wonderful. Why would you want to be like everyone else anyway? So I tell all my nieces this daily and I especially remind my middle niece of this, as I pull her into a tight hug. I tell her that she is brilliant, beautiful, smart and incredible. And that I am proud to be her aunt.

And when she left to go home with her sisters, she said to me:

"I love you, Auntie. Even all your over-the-top stuff! You inspire me."

And that made my heart swell. Even though sometimes we don't realize it, style and fashion are not just for you but for everyone. You can inspire someone and give them life by just dressing how you want to be.

Grief is not the same for everyone. This I know. Some people have strong support systems and some are able to heal with time. Some have had difficult relationships with loved ones that leads them to have conflicting feelings once that loved one is gone. And some, like myself, have had such a profound relationship with a loved one that once they are gone, it feels like you've lost a limb. A part of you is forever gone. Grief is something that not everyone likes to talk about. This I know too.
In the last four years where I have lost both my dad and brother, it has been the best and worst times of my life. And I feel like I'm on a constant rollercoaster ride that won't stop. When I'm at a high, it's amazing. I'm productive, empowered, driven and happy. I want to conquer the world, go on adventures and just live and be free.

When I'm at a low, it's horrible. I'm sad, depressed, don't want to get out of bed and sometimes spend days in the house, not wanting to leave my safe haven. I feel like a shadow of my former self and all I can do is weep. The pain in my heart cannot be ignored.

Image: http://avenuescounselingcenter.org/grief-hangover/

I feel like the pain will never end. And I feel alone and just want to cry. Everything hits me at once. That damn grief rollercoaster. I want to yell and scream because I'm angry; I want to sob because I am so heart-broken. But this pales in comparison to how I start to feel once the holiday season nears.

During the holiday season, it's especially hard for those of us who have lost a loved one. I have so many fond memories of my dad and brother this time of the year. When I looked at my brother with his daughters, I saw my dad's reflection of how he was with us growing up. You can see that love and admiration a father has for his children (in my experience). That unwavering, unconditional love that drives you to make your children happy and see them enjoy life's moments. And I don't mean material gifts. I mean, the time spent together, laughing, loving each other and creating memories that will always remain in your heart and mind.

My dad's birthday is November 10 so around late October, my anxiety starts to rise. How will I deal with his birthday and the holidays? This is what I ask myself repeatedly. 

And people always ask me the same question, wanting to know how I deal with this pain I carry, especially during the holidays. And I tell them...

It's not easy. But I always remind myself to take it one day at a time. To be kind to myself. Let myself have the moment and move on. It's okay to cry and feel that pain. Because it will pass. You have to allow yourself space to have those moments but also remember to not STAY in those moments. 

When I take it one day at a time and give myself a break, I don't feel overwhelmed or like I MUST get over it immediately. 

That's the thing, grief does not have a timetable so why would you be hard on yourself to get over it?

Lucky for me, I work from home but sometimes grief attacks my creativity. And that's when working from home is not such a blessing. Being a writer is a gift and a curse. It's an amazing gift when I can sit at my laptop or with a pen in my hand and crank out a story or chapter for a future book in no time. But when I am at my lowest, that gift becomes a curse. I don't want to write. My creativity dissolves into a black hole and I almost feel catatonic.

Image: http://charactertherapist.blogspot.com/2010/10/t3-types-of-grief-part-4.html

But the one thing I feel that is constant is HOPE. I never hit rock bottom fully. I pray daily to God and it comforts me. I talk to my dad and my brother daily and that comforts me too. That quiet pain will always remain. But I am learning one day at a time to live with it, accept it and build a new life where I can still live fully and not let that pain consume me.

It's by no means easy. As I said before, grief has no timeline. For some people, their grief period is short and they move on quickly. But for others including me, "time does not bring relief", as Edna St. Vincent Millay also said in another poem of hers. It feels like yesterday. My brother's death is still fresh with him only being gone over a year but even four years later, I remember getting that call to inform me of my dad's passing, like it was yesterday.

What I do know and believe is that I'm strong, I'm worthy and I will live fully. I have to. Because that is the best way to honor my dad and my brother.
I have spent four years of highs and lows where I have alienated myself from the world. I have lost friends because they thought it was something personal on their part and didn't realize that it had nothing to do with them. I have lost job opportunities. I have lost time that I cannot get back. So I have promised myself to take it one day at a time and just live. Life is so short and once it's gone, you can't get it back. And even though life can be hard at times, it's yours and it can have wonderful moments. You just have to step out your door and seize the day.

I have a charm on my bracelet that I wear always and it says "Believe". That word has become the sum of my life. As long as I believe in God, myself, in life, in things getting better...basically believing in everything that is possible, it helps me with the pain. 

So whenever I hear Nat King Cole's The Christmas Song, which was my dad's favorite holiday song, I don't cry as much as I used to - I instead close my eyes and remember those times when he'd be in the car, singing along with his deep voice and a smile on his face. Some tears fall but I also smile. 



If you're out there reading this and understand, just know you are not alone. I am sending all of you positive vibes and virtually holding your hand this holiday season and beyond.

xoxo - Marcy

When I get dressed, I think of what my mom would say. I don't ask for her opinion anymore, to be honest. Because as she got older, she grew more self-conscious of her own body and that somehow lends itself to her opinions. So there are times she won't agree with what I wear because of her own body issues. However, we still go by our mantra wherever we go. While we may not agree on our fashion choices, we do strive to show up and show out no matter what.

So I guess my everyday style is about doing just that. You only live once, right? Might as well make a statement and show the world who you are with style.

What is your everyday style? What do you love to wear?

Letting go is not easy. For me, I tend to hold onto things, people and feelings.

When my dad died four years ago, it was the first time I lost someone dear to me. And I didn't know how to handle it. I am just now feeling like I am grieving. I spent the first year in a fog and then held a lot of things in. Looking back now, I know that I didn't allow myself to grieve because that would mean I was accepting that my dad was gone. I held onto the idea of him and wouldn't let go. 

Then my younger brother Danny died last year. He died a month after the third anniversary of my dad's death and this really rocked me to the core. My brother was younger (he was 40 when he died) and he was my only sibling. He was my mother's only son. He was a father to three beautiful daughters. He was a husband. He was so many wonderful things. When I lost him, I left like I lost a limb. I have lost a part of me that I will never get back.

I have to tell you... I'm tired. So tired. Sometimes I feel so tired that the exhaustion weighs me down. Some mornings I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to stay under my covers, close my eyes and tune out the world. So then I don't have to face that they're gone. But then I think of them and the realization settles in. They're gone.

Looking back five years ago, I would have never thought I would be in this place. My dad was supposed to live until his 90's. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle and play with his grandchildren. My brother was supposed to live to see his daughters graduate and get married. He was supposed to be a grandfather. But that is not the case. And I was not prepared for this.

We all know we are going to die one day but you never REALLY think about it. Well, I never did. I was spending my time taking life for granted. But now I see that one minute you're here and the next minute, you can be gone. And you don't know when. You can't do anything about it, either. That is some terrifying shit, let me tell you.

Sometimes my anxiety overcomes me and I'll be honest, I start to freak out. I have to remind myself to breathe and relax. I tell this to my mom when she has her anxious moments. REEELLLLAAAAXXX. She gives me a dirty look (lol) but she admits later that it helps.

I think the positive in this situation is that my mom and I have each other. Our relationship is so strong and solid right now. I love her so much that I can't even think about when she will die. I often wonder who will go first between the two of us. I don't want to think about it but with my dad and brother gone, it's something we have to not only think about but talk about. We have to make preparations so we are not taken by surprise. The key is not letting it consume us to the point where we don't enjoy the moments we do have, right now. 

My wish is for her to live another 20-30 years and hopefully, I will live another 40. But for now, I am trying to figure out how to let go of this anger I feel and try to live in a better space without having this pain dictate my steps. 

This last year has been so hard and I think that's because not only am I finally grieving for my dad but now I am also grieving for my brother. I suffered a bad bout of depression after New Year's and thought I would never make it out. All I wanted to do was sleep. But my strength, my faith and my inner fighter brought me out of it. I go to therapy every week and I am just now feeling comfortable enough to go to a bereavement group. 

One baby step at a time. 

But I will say that what's different now is that I am hopeful. I know things are going to be okay. I just remind myself to be kind to myself. And strive to be strong, secure and happy for all the days of my life.

I have survived losing half of my immediate family in a span of three years. Yeah, I'm definitely a survivor. And that makes me smile. Because I know my dad and Danny are smiling along with me.

Oh, but how I miss them. I miss them more than words can say.

Haven't blogged in a while because honestly, while the words were in my head, I couldn't write them down. I just couldn't. Writing them down and putting them out into the universe for all to see would make them real. What happened was real, but I am still having a hard time coming to grips with it.

My little brother, my only brother is gone. Three years after my dad passed, I have now lost my brother. He was 40. He was my mother's only son, my only brother and a husband and father to three young girls. My youngest niece Angel is 8. When I look at her, I want to cry. She doesn't understand what an impact Danny's death will have on her. I lost my dad when I was 41 and I was devastated. I can't even imagine how it would be, had I grown up without him in my life. To lose your dad at the age of 8 just seems so cruel to me. But you can't change the circle of life. We all have an expiration date and sometimes that date comes sooner than we think it will.

Danny and his girls

Danny was in the hospital for 11 days in a coma that he never woke up from. I had 11 days to sit by his side but I didn't know that those 11 days were time given to me by a higher power so I can prepare myself to say goodbye. I didn't get that with my dad. His death was so shocking and sudden. I always wondered how it would have been had I gotten a chance to see and talk to him before he died. Now I know that time doesn't mean a thing. The pain is still great and you still don't want to let go.

I spend 9 out of those 11 days still believing Danny would wake up. I fought with the doctors and was so angry because I felt like they were not giving his body a chance to heal. I didn't want to hear that his chances were low to none and that there was no brain activity. I did research on NY State law when it came to comatose patients and removing the ventilator. I took notes every time a doctor or nurse spoke to us. I reached out to friends who were medical professionals to ask questions. I read about other cases that were similar to my brother. I averaged about 3 hours of sleep every night during that time and sometimes forgot to eat. My focus was on saving my brother.

I refused to give up on him because that was my brother. I just couldn't give up on him. I was his big sister and it was my responsibility to look out for my brother and protect him. I was even prepared to go to jail because if the doctors decided to call it and pronounce him brain dead and take him off the ventilator, I was going to start a scene at the hospital and not let them get anywhere near him.

And to think, some distant family members thought we were being intimidated by doctors and were pleading with us in Facebook messages and texts that we should not pull the plug. Little did they know that we did not want to give up on him. I didn't want to give up on him. We put the TV on to ESPN so he could hear it. I had hoped hearing a Yankees game would help him wake up. I recorded my nieces and my sister-in-law held my phone near his ear to replay them, because we hoped hearing his daughters would make him wake up. Lots of friends and family came by the hospital talking to him. We sat at his bedside for 11 days.

On Day 9, was the turning point for me. My mom and I were sitting in the waiting room as they did some chest x-rays on my brother. I turned to her and asked her, "Do you think Danny is gone?" My mother looked at me with such a calm but sad face and said, "Yes." I looked at her in disbelief. She then said:

"You have to let him go. He's at peace. Danny suffered his whole life. He was born with bad asthma and always sick. As an adult, he never caught a break. He could never find the job he desired and always worked like a dog to support his family. He took care of his daughters and always put everyone else first. He never got to really rest, sleep and relax. He was never truly at peace. Now he's resting and doesn't have to suffer anymore. He gets to spend time with Daddy. And that comforts me."

I was shocked. Here is a woman who is watching her only son, lay in a coma and she is able to let him go. She put aside her own feelings of losing her son and was instead looking at this situation from another angle...what is best for Danny. She went on to talk about the other option...would my brother want to be in a hospital bed for years, hooked to machines because we want to keep him alive?

I saw my mom in a different light that day. I saw who I get my strength from. And that was when I knew I had to accept whatever the outcome was. The next day, the doctors declared him brain dead and we were allowed one more day to sit with him because he was an organ donor so they had to keep him on the ventilator until he went to the OR to get his organs removed.

I got a few opportunities to say goodbye to my brother (at the hospital, at the funeral home, at the service and at the cemetery). But honestly, it was not enough. I still look at the door sometimes, thinking he's going to walk through it. I cry at least 3 times a day. It just feels like the scab on an old wound has been ripped away. I was just coming to terms with my dad being gone and now this.

Life is so short. That's why we have to appreciate the present moments. We have to make better choices with how we spend that time. If you love someone, tell them. Make sure you smile and laugh daily. Take some chances in life without worrying about the outcome. Don't put things off until tomorrow. Live in the moment. Appreciate those people in your life that support you and believe in you. Make time for them, even if it's just a phone call. Because you might miss that chance and never get a second one.

The last picture I took with my brother and my mom - Mother's Day 2014

Life is short and time is valuable. Use it wisely. That is something my dad used to always say. I can hear him whispering that in my ear on a daily basis. With my brother gone, it has become more than a whisper. It has become my life's mission. The men in my life are gone. And they were the two best men I knew. So again, I embark on this journey of grief, looking at the world differently. No more procrastination. I feel anxious, wanting to make sure I make every minute worth it.

I wrote the following passage on Facebook the other day and it is one of the most authentic things I have ever written and sums up my present state perfectly:

"It's hard to understand loss. You often wonder why you have to experience such great losses in life. But I have learned that some questions will never be answered and what is most important in life is acceptance. Acceptance and surrendering to what is. I used to think acceptance and surrendering meant giving up. But honestly, you have to let go to keep moving on. Doesn't mean you're giving up. You're just trying to live. Today was a hard day and I know there will be other hard days ahead. But there will be good days, too. In the last month, I have lost not only my only brother, but other significant things and people, too. All happening at once. But on a daily basis, I tell myself that I am strong and I can get through anything because my dad often said so throughout my whole life. He told me that I can do whatever I set out to in life and my strength knows no bounds. "I am a rock and nothing can knock me down." You say that enough times to yourself and you begin to believe it, breathe it and live it. That is one of the many things my dad has left behind in his legacy within me and it has come in so handy now with the loss of my brother and everything else. It's hard to be positive and not give up when it seems like nothing is going right. But because of my dad always speaking life into me and encouraging me to live with an open heart, to always pursue my dreams, be happy and have a desire for adventure, that life is what I cling to with everything I have. It keeps me hopeful that things are going to turn around soon. They have to and they will. I won't accept anything less than that. I didn't realize how strong I was until I saw that no matter what was thrown at me, I could not be knocked down nor did it take away my positive spirit. I am so thankful for that strength. Thank you, Lord."

In times of great loss, you grow. You learn. You change. This I know. But right now, I am missing my little brother so much it hurts.

Daniel Cruz Jr April 22, 1974 - May 30, 2014 Rest in peace, Little Brother

To read more about what happened to my brother, here's some links:

http://redhookstar.wordpress.com/2014/05/31/red-hook-resident-dies-after-delayed-ambulance-response-by-george-fiala/

http://redhookstar.wordpress.com/2014/06/10/daniel-cruz-remembered-in-funeral-service-by-george-fiala/