It's been 2 weeks since I blogged. I had not planned on that long of a blogging absence but things have been kind of crazy in my life. The theme of my life lately has been me listening to my inner voice more. I even blogged about it on my Fearless Fridays column on the Belle-Noir magazine blog. For so many years, I have ignored that little voice in the back of my head, telling me I was making a wrong choice or going the wrong way on my path in life. But I ignored that voice and kept going...ended up in a relationship with someone that wasn't right for me, ended up in a job that was not my calling, ended up remaining friends with people who I should have let go a long time ago...I could go on. I know I'm not the only one. You're probably sitting there, nodding your head along with me.

If only life could be simple! But it never is. And part of that problem is that we make things more complicated by resisting the inevitable. We want what we want when we want it, no matter what. And there will be times when those things we want are not meant for us. I think if we all stopped for a moment and actually listened to our inner voice, life would be less complicated. We need to trust our intuition more because it is never wrong. We may not like what it says sometimes but it is never wrong.

So my inner voice is telling me to continue writing and make some career/personal changes this year. I need to let go of some baggage that I have been holding onto for longer than I was supposed to. Baggage are the things/people that come into your life for a season and when they are meant to leave, they should be let go. When they are not let go when the season is over, those things become baggage. And if you carry too much baggage, you buckle under the weight and can't handle any more coming your way. No bueno. Plus, there's only one carry-on allowed on the flight. You don't want that plane to leave you behind - you want to get on that plane to the next adventure in your life.

My inner voice is also telling me to fiercely be me despite what anyone says. Lately, I have been getting some flack on how I am not this or that and that I need to be a little more this or that. And my inner voice is screaming NO!!! My inner voice is telling me, "You are perfect just the way you are. It's just that who you are is sometimes not understood by some and is not in line with what they want you to be to benefit them. But at the end of the day, you have to be true to yourself. Because YOU have to live with yourself...YOU have to look yourself in the mirror and be happy with who YOU are. So those other people? They can kick rocks."  My inner voice is pretty kick-ass, lol. I should have been listening to that voice a long time ago. Well, better late than ever. :)

We learn lessons daily, some minor and some major - for me, when I travel, for some reason, getting out of my norm really helps me to see the lesson that needs to be learned. I'm more hungry now more than ever to learn these lessons because honestly, I feel like I woke up when my dad died. A sudden, unexpected death, especially when it's someone who you think will live forever, will wake you up and place you into a state of reality. It has always sounded cliche to me but the saying "Life is too short." is so true. We have to embrace the now. These moments are all we have. Because you don't know where you will be tomorrow. This is the state of reality I am in now and I'm embracing it.

My lessons learned this week are:

• Stop mourning the loss of seasonal friends. If someone is a lifelong friend, they will never leave your side, no matter how tough things get or how life changes. The friendship will grow and change with these circumstances. When a season ends, a new one begins with new friends. There is no use wasting time, crying over friends who are no longer in your life. Letting go is hard but once you do, you feel lighter because you have let go of unnecessary emotional baggage.

• With lifelong friends, you have to appreciate them as much as you can. Because they are gifts in your life. The other day, I looked at my best friend Herman and I really wanted to cry because so many emotions flooded my heart. He has done so much for me - I don't think he really knows how much I love him. He is the one person who knows me 100% and loves me as I am. He doesn't get annoyed by my anxiety and how I sometimes act a certain way. He takes care of me, even more so now that my dad is gone. My dad was the type of person that if he liked you and admired you, that was a big deal because he just did not dole out accolades like that. When my step-mom met Herman at my dad's funeral, she said "So you're Herman!?! Wow, I am so happy to meet you. Danny always talked about you and he never worried about Marcy when she was with you. Thank you so much for being so good to her." That meant the world to me. Also, the fact that Herman took a day off of work to drive 2 hours each way on a Tuesday to come to the funeral. He's a great friend indeed.

• Stop worrying about what others think. This one is self-explanatory, lol.

• Always be you and never be afraid to be you in front of anyone. If they can't accept you for who you are, they're not worth it anyway.

I'm starting to get my travel bug back in full force. This desire within me to visit places far, far away is becoming greater. Despite not having a steady exuberant income or a significant other to share the experiences with, I fully believe I can go to Argentina or Africa or Australia and have the time of my life. Anything is possible. I'm just feeling this fire again. I don't know how I got it back but I'm not questioning it, lol.

Going into 2012, I was a mess. I felt like I was leaving my dad behind. I spent all week prior to New Year's Eve in a state of panic. Trying to get a grasp on time, which of course we all know is impossible. It did not help that the week was going by so fast. But I got through it and honestly, I felt like my dad spoke to me a few times through other people. I usually dream of him but I have been sick and with being sick, I have not been sleeping well. So I guess he felt like he had to make sure he got his point across and had my attention, lol.

I had 3 separate conversations with 3 different people but it all had the same message: Acceptance. Acceptance of things I cannot change. Acceptance of people and how they are. Ultimately, once you accept these things and people, you can then make the choice if you want these things and people in your life. Imagine if we all embraced this way of life? There would be less expectations and less disappointments. We'd appreciate the little things in life. We'd be able to see all of life's exciting things because our focus won't be on those people and things that hurt us and disappoint us. We spend so much energy worrying about these people and things and let it affect us negatively.

But if we accept and move on, life would indeed be easier. Now it is easier said than done. But if you can do it, the benefits are so great. I've decided to focus more on me this year. I have decided to stop worrying about THOSE people. I've decided to accept what I can't control and make the choice on who and what I want in my life. That's what being fearless is all about.

Thank you, Daddy, for always dropping the knowledge even from beyond. Love you.

...And it's so hard for me to let go.

I have learned that a true friend will stick by you thru the dark times and not just the happy times. But I also know that I cannot expect people to be like me and treat me as I treat them because in the end, that's me and there is only one me. But I always fall into this trap of expecting too much from people because I expect what I give back. This is not a perfect world so I need to accept that that isn't happening.

Sometimes when people have their own problems, they just don't want to be bothered with yours. Sad but true. But the few gems who hang in there, they are keepers.

I also learned that sometimes the people you least expect to be the ones not there usually are. Again, sad but true. Seasons change and sometimes those changes lead to that season ending. The vice versa also happens. I have had people become great friends who I would have never thought I would have any sort of relationship with. It just goes to show you how unpredictable life can be.

I am trying to go with the flow because honestly, all of these changes are really throwing for a loop. It's as if God is really taking me out of my comfort zone and shaking my life up. This is what I get for taking life for granted. That ended when my dad died and let me tell you, not a day goes by that I take for granted anymore. I have seen friends who I thought would be in my circle for life just walk away.

I have a friend who recently just stopped calling, deactivated her Facebook and dropped off the face of the Earth. After my dad died 7 months ago, she came by to see me but after that, the calls became less and less until she went MIA. I recently saw her while shopping at CVS and she looked shocked to see me. We talked briefly and she asked for my number again, saying she got a new phone and all her numbers were erased. Well, after that day 3 weeks ago, we exchanged texts twice, one of those times being the day before Thanksgiving. The last 2 Thanksgivings I had spent at her house where she hosted dinner for her family and friends. So this year, I thought of her, not because I wanted an invite since I had other plans but because this day had become sort of a tradition in my life that included her. So I texted her, wished her a Happy Thanksgiving and asked how she was. Well, she told me via text that she was not hosting this year, going to someone else's house and wished me a great holiday. Later on, I felt like maybe she thought I had only texted her to get an invite to her house, which was not the case. But I was left feeling like she had no interest in being my friend anymore and that I needed to let it go. You can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held.

I am proud of myself because I did major cleaning in my life this year...I cut off many people, including family members. Just because you can't choose who your family is does not mean you can't choose whether or not you have them in your life. For example, my father's sister and mother are still alive. My grandmother is the only living grandparent I have alive. Sadly, we don't speak. I hadn't spoken to my grandma in years until she called me after my dad died. Even then, they did not come to his funeral, even though they live about 15 mins away. I'll discuss this relationship in another post. But before you judge, know this, I made the choice to not have them in my life because I could not be emotionally, mentally hurt anymore. Again, this is for another time, another post.

I guess what I am trying to say is that seasons change and I realized that I am not good at letting go. I tend to hold on and give people second/third/fourth chances before I realize that I need to let them go. Which is why I think God is shaking my life up like a snowglobe and letting the flakes fall where they may. Some have fallen in their usual place and some have not. The biggest lesson I have learned through all this is that you can only take it one day at a time and do the best you can during that moment. So in this moment, I am letting go and having an open mind to whatever life brings.