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I saw you yesterday. Well, I see you everyday since you insist on making your presence known to me everywhere I go, lol. I used to look at it as a sad thing because I missed you so much and couldn't handle the fact that you were gone in a human sense. Well, 8 months later, I have to admit that it makes me feel safe to know you're around. You can finally be in 5 places at once, which I know you always wished you could do when you were on this Earth. No more spreading yourself thin.
I did so well this week and know you are smiling down at me, so proud. It was my 4th bus ride but the first one since you passed away where I did not have a meltdown. I did not even cry at all. I guess that means I am getting better. Many people continue to keep telling me how I will get over this in time. I don't get that and think it has to be either they don't understand or were not as close with the parent they lost so it was easier for them to move on. The grieving process is different for everyone but when you lose a parent, especially one you were so close with and that was such a big part of your life...well, how can you get over something like that???
I think I will come to terms with the fact that you are not here in this sense anymore. I will learn to accept it. BUT. I will never get over it. I just know for me, it is not possible. I think I will cry for you on my wedding day even if it's 5 years from now, I will definitely weep when I have my firstborn because I know he/she will never meet you in person. There will always be moments where I will feel your loss deeply. BUT. I will learn to accept and adapt...I will continue to live because I know that is what you want me and all of us to do. It won't be easy but we can do it.
Please don't focus all your time worrying about me...you can now see what my future holds so you know I will be okay. I know I am your only daughter and will forever be your baby girl but I'm YOUR daughter so you know I am going to continue to do phenomenal things in this life, go to magnificent places and touch many lives. That is your legacy.
I had to take this break from the world - it was getting a bit much. I needed time away. I know you know how that is since we are cut from the same cloth. I'm in one of your fave places and can't help but think this was such a good idea since I needed to recharge and reflect on many things.
So today, it has been 8 months and while it feels like yesterday and I miss you so much that it hurts bad, I'm going to spend the day remembering you and being happy about the good times. I'm going to get these tears out now and then forge forward with the day. I know I did not say it enough when you were alive but Daddy, I love you so much.
Now go see how Mindy and Danny are doing. I think they need your presence more than I do today. I'll be okay and I am sure we will talk soon in an upcoming dream.
Love, Marcy
I did so well this week and know you are smiling down at me, so proud. It was my 4th bus ride but the first one since you passed away where I did not have a meltdown. I did not even cry at all. I guess that means I am getting better. Many people continue to keep telling me how I will get over this in time. I don't get that and think it has to be either they don't understand or were not as close with the parent they lost so it was easier for them to move on. The grieving process is different for everyone but when you lose a parent, especially one you were so close with and that was such a big part of your life...well, how can you get over something like that???
I think I will come to terms with the fact that you are not here in this sense anymore. I will learn to accept it. BUT. I will never get over it. I just know for me, it is not possible. I think I will cry for you on my wedding day even if it's 5 years from now, I will definitely weep when I have my firstborn because I know he/she will never meet you in person. There will always be moments where I will feel your loss deeply. BUT. I will learn to accept and adapt...I will continue to live because I know that is what you want me and all of us to do. It won't be easy but we can do it.
Please don't focus all your time worrying about me...you can now see what my future holds so you know I will be okay. I know I am your only daughter and will forever be your baby girl but I'm YOUR daughter so you know I am going to continue to do phenomenal things in this life, go to magnificent places and touch many lives. That is your legacy.
I had to take this break from the world - it was getting a bit much. I needed time away. I know you know how that is since we are cut from the same cloth. I'm in one of your fave places and can't help but think this was such a good idea since I needed to recharge and reflect on many things.
So today, it has been 8 months and while it feels like yesterday and I miss you so much that it hurts bad, I'm going to spend the day remembering you and being happy about the good times. I'm going to get these tears out now and then forge forward with the day. I know I did not say it enough when you were alive but Daddy, I love you so much.
Now go see how Mindy and Danny are doing. I think they need your presence more than I do today. I'll be okay and I am sure we will talk soon in an upcoming dream.
Love, Marcy
For the last 2 weeks, I have been hearing this song sporadically and it has such an effect on me where I start to think of how my dad is gone and start sobbing. Truly heart-wrenching. I didn't know the name or the meaning behind the song. All I know is it makes me cry and think of my dad.
So yesterday it comes on again and I catch the title and artist and decide to look it up. It's called The Living Years by Mike and The Mechanics. I was shocked to learn that the lyrics are about the singer talking to his father, saying that he wishes he could have said some things to him while he was alive and how he regrets not seeing him before he died. So now he knows not to take anyone for granted while they are living - in other words, GUILT.
And that has been my main problem...letting go of the guilt and forgiving myself for so many things. The petty disagreements, me taking him for granted... I'll blog more about it later when I am ready. I just think this is my dad's way of telling me to forgive myself. He will not be ignored, lol. He was never one for subtlety. I love you, Daddy. It'll be 8 months on the 10th...
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So yesterday it comes on again and I catch the title and artist and decide to look it up. It's called The Living Years by Mike and The Mechanics. I was shocked to learn that the lyrics are about the singer talking to his father, saying that he wishes he could have said some things to him while he was alive and how he regrets not seeing him before he died. So now he knows not to take anyone for granted while they are living - in other words, GUILT.
And that has been my main problem...letting go of the guilt and forgiving myself for so many things. The petty disagreements, me taking him for granted... I'll blog more about it later when I am ready. I just think this is my dad's way of telling me to forgive myself. He will not be ignored, lol. He was never one for subtlety. I love you, Daddy. It'll be 8 months on the 10th...
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I up and decided to take a break from Facebook, my life and the world in general. And it's been wonderful. I think we all need to unplug for a while.
It happened as I was going through my storage boxes. I had taken all of my stuff out of storage last weekend so I can save money AND let go of old things that honestly I did not have a need for. I didn't realize how emotional and draining it would be to do so. I started with 60 boxes and am now down to 8. Yep, my former life is in the form of 8 boxes, stacked up neatly in a corner of my mom's living room. :sigh:
Most of my former life is tied to my dad since I lived in the Bronx for almost 6 years and lived about 10 mins from him so I saw him frequently. I found so many things that held such great memories. By Wed night, I was burnt out emotionally and physically. Couldn't sleep. I needed time away.
Facebook has become such a integrated part of my life. I have become that person I said I would never become: one who is dependable and almost hungry for social media and interaction. I started to think of the days before Facebook, before texting, even before cell phones and pagers. Where you had to pick up the phone to actually talk to someone and if you were out in the streets, you had to use a pay phone. Now we have become so dependent on communicating in such impersonal ways like text, inbox msgs and email. No one actually talks anymore. No one even sends out handwritten letters via postal mail or cards. And that bothers me. It bothers me even more because I have become one of those people.
So I needed time away from social media, technology....from the world. Right now, I am in great need of physical interaction. I want hugs and company...I want to see someone smile and laugh with someone. I need to hear a calming voice. I need to feel that love from the people close to me. That is much more comforting than a text or inbox message or wall post on Facebook.
So I will be on an extended much needed sabbatical from the world. I will continue to blog here and over at Belle-Noir because writing gives me joy and is my passion. But that's where it ends. I need to put the laptop away and see the world again. My bag is already packed and I am good to go.
I'm excited and for a minute there, I am feeling like my old gypsy traveling self, lol. As of Tuesday, I am leaving for parts unknown. Well, known to me but a secret to everyone else except the lucky few that I get to see. As it stands, I will be gone a week since I do have a life where unfortunately, I have to make money and Christmas will be here before you know it. But a week is a good amount of time to recharge. I'm doing it the Marcy way....3 cities in 1 week. It's like the old days! LOL
And that is what I need right now.
It happened as I was going through my storage boxes. I had taken all of my stuff out of storage last weekend so I can save money AND let go of old things that honestly I did not have a need for. I didn't realize how emotional and draining it would be to do so. I started with 60 boxes and am now down to 8. Yep, my former life is in the form of 8 boxes, stacked up neatly in a corner of my mom's living room. :sigh:
Most of my former life is tied to my dad since I lived in the Bronx for almost 6 years and lived about 10 mins from him so I saw him frequently. I found so many things that held such great memories. By Wed night, I was burnt out emotionally and physically. Couldn't sleep. I needed time away.
Facebook has become such a integrated part of my life. I have become that person I said I would never become: one who is dependable and almost hungry for social media and interaction. I started to think of the days before Facebook, before texting, even before cell phones and pagers. Where you had to pick up the phone to actually talk to someone and if you were out in the streets, you had to use a pay phone. Now we have become so dependent on communicating in such impersonal ways like text, inbox msgs and email. No one actually talks anymore. No one even sends out handwritten letters via postal mail or cards. And that bothers me. It bothers me even more because I have become one of those people.
So I needed time away from social media, technology....from the world. Right now, I am in great need of physical interaction. I want hugs and company...I want to see someone smile and laugh with someone. I need to hear a calming voice. I need to feel that love from the people close to me. That is much more comforting than a text or inbox message or wall post on Facebook.
So I will be on an extended much needed sabbatical from the world. I will continue to blog here and over at Belle-Noir because writing gives me joy and is my passion. But that's where it ends. I need to put the laptop away and see the world again. My bag is already packed and I am good to go.
I'm excited and for a minute there, I am feeling like my old gypsy traveling self, lol. As of Tuesday, I am leaving for parts unknown. Well, known to me but a secret to everyone else except the lucky few that I get to see. As it stands, I will be gone a week since I do have a life where unfortunately, I have to make money and Christmas will be here before you know it. But a week is a good amount of time to recharge. I'm doing it the Marcy way....3 cities in 1 week. It's like the old days! LOL
And that is what I need right now.
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