Powered by Blogger.
Sunday was always a day where I gave thanks. But that stopped when my dad died. On a Sunday. I started counting the Sundays that came after the day of his death, Sunday, April 10, 2011. But today I woke up feeling renewed and for the first time, I didn't count this Sunday, I gave thanks. It's a great feeling.
This past week has been crazy but life-changing. And what I am about to write about is hard because there are some things that a person does not want to talk about publicly because of fear of backlash and negative feedback. But I believe now that it is my responsibility to share regardless. I mean, the title of this blog is Fearlessly Just Me, lol. Christine Arylo said it best in her book Choosing Me before We:
If we are lucky enough to to wake up to the immense power we have to create our lives, we have a responsibility to share our stories and insights with others. Otherwise, the true power of our realizations is lost. Sharing allows us to see ourselves in the words of others, gain witnesses to our personal journey, and broaden the possibilities that lie before us. Through sharing, we as women can provide the emotional inspiration that others can use to eliminate the "shoulds", the "musts", and the "cannots" that bar their way to creating the kind of lives and relationships, they truly desire. (pg xii, Prologue)
So here goes...I haven't had health insurance for about 2 years. When I needed medical treatment, I just went to the local clinic and paid a fee. But that was only when needed - emergencies. But I have not had a physical in 2 years. I know that sounds horrible but it is actually the norm in America. So many of us don't have health insurance. The ones hardest hit are those, who like me, were laid off and go on unemployment and are single with no dependents. We have the option to sign up for COBRA but it's so expensive that many of us can't. But on the other side of the spectrum, we "earn" too much via unemployment to be eligible for Medicaid. So we go without health insurance and just make due with local clinics and (in some cities), hospitals who offer low-cost health care. When I voiced my disgruntlement over this, I was told by quite a few city and state employees in the "system" that I was better off getting pregnant because then I would hit the jackpot in terms of benefits available to me. It's sad when the system promotes having kids as a way to get benefits. But I digress...
In the past two years, being as clumsy and accident-prone as I am, I have had a few mishaps, which led me to the doctor. There was that time I tripped, while holding a file folder and that file folder ended up flying back and jabbing me in the eye. I ended up with a cornea abrasion. Ouch. There was that other time I accidentally slammed my left index finger in a car door and ended up losing a nail, which thankfully grew back in 6 months. I could go on. But I never took the time to go to the doctor, just because. And I think many of us are guilty of that. We only go when we need to or when we are forced to. By then, sometimes it's too late. We can prevent so many illnesses and medical conditions if we go to the doctor regularly and not just when we need to.
I finally qualified for medicaid in last month because my unemployment benefits ran out and now I am freelancing (writing, tutoring kids, and other projects). I was still hesitant to go to the doctor until...one night, I started having heart palpitations. And frankly, it scared the shit out of me. My dad died from congestive heart failure and I was born with a heart murmur. Not to mention the fact that I am overweight. So I made an appointment the next morning and went in this past week.
Now, for being an overweight person, I am active and feel good. I have been healthy for most of my life aside from some allergies, mild asthma and my heart murmur. No diabetes or anything like that. So I was not prepared when the doctor looked at me with the most concerned face I have ever seen on someone and told me that I had VERY high blood pressure, which was causing the heart palpitations. It was affecting my heart murmur. Huh? How can this be? I eat healthy and I take care of myself.
Well, I found out some interesting things. First, I needed to stop taking Motrin, which has been my over the counter drug of choice for YEARS, because it elevates blood pressure. I had no idea. I take Motrin all the time. Second, I need to stop drinking alcohol. Alcohol elevates your blood pressure. I'm a social drinker so I don't drink all the time. But I love a beer or glass of wine here and there and have at least 1-2 beers or 2 glasses of wine every other day. Third, my anxiety and stress levels are affecting my blood pressure. Lastly, no more caffeine...no coffee, no soda, reg or diet (which is a habit I have been working on kicking for the last 2 months and am getting there).
So doctor orders: No more motrin (Tylenol instead), no alcohol, no caffeine and I have to learn to calm myself and not stress out. Lastly, he ordered me not to exercise or do anything that will cause my heart to race until I get my blood pressure down. He told me that if I get chest pain or shortness of breath, to call 911. Now if a doctor tells an overweight person NOT to exercise, that's serious. And then to tell me to call 911 if those things he said happen, well, I just about fainted. I left the office and honestly, stood at the bus stop, called my best friend Herman and cried. I love to power walk and dance and play Just Dance or the The MJ Experience on the Wii. I can't do any of those things right now.
It was truly a wake-up call. I'm now on meds for my blood pressure. But it was a blessing that I am thankful for. Had I not gone to the doctor, I could have died. I realized that I could not go on the way that I have been going. I'm not a calm person by any means, lol. I'm always on the go and just don't have the patience to deal with foolery. I can be high-strung and I know it's my anxiety. So now I have to constantly talk to myself and tell myself to not rush and calm down. I practice breathing techniques and am making a conscious effort to relax. I used to laugh at my friend who meditates and acts like he's the Dalai Lama but seriously, he's onto something.
Now I know some of you will say that, of course, I have high blood pressure. I am overweight and that's the cause. But that is not the only thing that can cause it. And overweight people aren't the only ones who have high blood pressure. Everyone can have this issue. And that's why I felt I had to write about this and put my business out there. I wanted to shed light on the importance of going to the doctor and also knowing what you put in your body, whether it's meds or food. Always research everything. Look at labels on foods. Google any meds you take, even over the counter ones. Know what you are putting into your body, no matter what your size. I personally am going to start fully adapting the DASH diet into my lifestyle. I eat healthy now but I have to take it a step up.
So with that said, I realized that if I truly love myself, I will take care of myself fully. It's not just about being able to look in the mirror and say I LOVE YOU. It's about loving yourself enough to go to the doctor regularly and take care of yourself. It's about loving yourself enough to do things for yourself that will benefit your body, even if you don't like it. I will miss Motrin (I dread when that time of the month comes because I am going to suffer) and I will miss my Blue Moon and sparkling wine. I cannot express how much I miss coffee. I already miss dancing in my living room or power walking in the beautiful sun while listening to Prince. But these are the sacrifices I am willing to make because I love myself. And these are only temporary. Once this pressure gets back to normal, I am going to dance my ass off. And I will be able to have a beer once in a while. I look forward to that day.
P.S. - I have been taking my new meds for 5 days and have not had any Motrin, alcohol, caffeine or over-exerted myself. I have not had heart palpitations for the last 3 days. I'm snoopy dancing on the inside! I go back to the doctor tomorrow. Wish me luck that my pressure has gone down! Even a little will be awesome!
This morning, this was the first status I saw on my newsfeed on Facebook from a friend that shall remain anonymous:
When I read the part of this status where she calls herself a complicated woman and how she links that with the death of her father, I was so moved because I thought, wow, I was pretty damn lucky to have my father for as long as I did. He may not get to be at my wedding or hold his grandkids but he did see me graduate from high school and go on to be the first one in our family to graduate from college. He saw me travel the world and relished in the fact that his baby girl was out there, living life. He loved to hear my stories about where I have been or what I was doing. So today, instead of dwelling on his absence in my life now, I thought of how much I did get to share with him while he was here. Some don't get that privilege.
And as I thought this, I was outside waiting at the bus stop with my mom and I looked up at the beautiful blue sky with the perfectly placed clouds. I felt so close to him in that moment. Dad and I always had this thing about clouds but we didn't know we were connected in that way while he was alive. After he died, I found a bunch of old pics he had taken when I was a kid and they were all of clouds and planes. He was an aspiring photographer. He was a man of hobbies and photography was his main one. I take pics of clouds all the time, have been for years. But I never knew that my dad did the same thing so many years ago. If that ain't the circle of life, I don't know what is. I am my father's daughter and I continue to see evidence of that every day of my living.
So while at the bus stop, after looking at the sky, I then looked at my mom and stared at her for a minute and tears streamed down my face. She didn't notice because I had my big Audrey sunglasses on. I looked at her and my heart swelled. Our relationship has had its ups and downs over the years and I was always closer to my dad. But at that moment, I realized that she is still here and I need to celebrate that. And I cannot even imagine how I will cope when it is her time to go. But I will. However, she is still here so I need to focus on that. I need to spend as much time with her as I can while I can. Because as I saw on FB this morning, I am one of the lucky ones. I had my dad for 41 years and I still have my mom.
The last sentence is so true: "Losing a parent is like cutting off an arm and still being expected to function properly." That sums up how it feels to lose a parent. I am still determined to find a way to function properly. Things won't ever be the same. I won't ever be the same. But there has to be a way. Because I am still living for a reason. And I am so determined to do what I was destined to do in this life. I want to live as much as I can...laugh as much as I can...and see the world. I want to get married and have babies. I don't care what people say, how I am too old or whatever. It's going to happen - all of these things. Because I believe that they will and I am speaking them into existence.
Just when I thought I could not appreciate life any more than I do, seeing that FB status made me appreciate it even more. Love you, Daddy.
Today, I realized my dad has been gone for exactly half of my life. That realization and looking at the complicated woman I am today, wondering if he'd be proud and knowing I can't ever dialogue with him again had me choked up for a while at work. Losing a parent is like cutting off an arm and still being expected to function properly.Now this friend is young, younger than me. And her dad has been gone for exactly half her life! I sat there, at the bus stop, stunned. I know the grief I feel and I had my dad in my life for 41 years. So I cannot even imagine losing him when I was 20. The relationship between a father and daughter is so important. For most women, it determines what kind of man she will seek and end up with. To a daughter, a father is the ultimate example of what a man is. So when a father is absent or not fully present in every way, it's the daughter that suffers. Because she will always look for what she missed in her relationship with her father when looking for a man.
When I read the part of this status where she calls herself a complicated woman and how she links that with the death of her father, I was so moved because I thought, wow, I was pretty damn lucky to have my father for as long as I did. He may not get to be at my wedding or hold his grandkids but he did see me graduate from high school and go on to be the first one in our family to graduate from college. He saw me travel the world and relished in the fact that his baby girl was out there, living life. He loved to hear my stories about where I have been or what I was doing. So today, instead of dwelling on his absence in my life now, I thought of how much I did get to share with him while he was here. Some don't get that privilege.
And as I thought this, I was outside waiting at the bus stop with my mom and I looked up at the beautiful blue sky with the perfectly placed clouds. I felt so close to him in that moment. Dad and I always had this thing about clouds but we didn't know we were connected in that way while he was alive. After he died, I found a bunch of old pics he had taken when I was a kid and they were all of clouds and planes. He was an aspiring photographer. He was a man of hobbies and photography was his main one. I take pics of clouds all the time, have been for years. But I never knew that my dad did the same thing so many years ago. If that ain't the circle of life, I don't know what is. I am my father's daughter and I continue to see evidence of that every day of my living.
So while at the bus stop, after looking at the sky, I then looked at my mom and stared at her for a minute and tears streamed down my face. She didn't notice because I had my big Audrey sunglasses on. I looked at her and my heart swelled. Our relationship has had its ups and downs over the years and I was always closer to my dad. But at that moment, I realized that she is still here and I need to celebrate that. And I cannot even imagine how I will cope when it is her time to go. But I will. However, she is still here so I need to focus on that. I need to spend as much time with her as I can while I can. Because as I saw on FB this morning, I am one of the lucky ones. I had my dad for 41 years and I still have my mom.
The last sentence is so true: "Losing a parent is like cutting off an arm and still being expected to function properly." That sums up how it feels to lose a parent. I am still determined to find a way to function properly. Things won't ever be the same. I won't ever be the same. But there has to be a way. Because I am still living for a reason. And I am so determined to do what I was destined to do in this life. I want to live as much as I can...laugh as much as I can...and see the world. I want to get married and have babies. I don't care what people say, how I am too old or whatever. It's going to happen - all of these things. Because I believe that they will and I am speaking them into existence.
Just when I thought I could not appreciate life any more than I do, seeing that FB status made me appreciate it even more. Love you, Daddy.
I am the queen of lists. Have been since I was a kid. It helps me stay focused and organized. I even make a list when packing for a trip so I don't forget a thing...I plan my outfits for each day so I don't overpack, lol. So last night I decided I am going to make a must-do list. Not a to-do list...this is a MUST-do list.
I'm trying to put myself out there more. I have become sort of a recluse in the last few months and am ready to burst out of my bubble and get out there because being a recluse is so not me. The first step was attending this great event last Sunday in Manhattan hosted by Christine Arylo called A Day of Self-Love in NYC. Best part was that each person with a ticket received a signed copy of Christine's book Choosing ME before WE. At $22, that was a steal.
Christine is awesome. And I didn't realize how bad I was until that day. This was also a testament to what I always say about how when we feel good, we want to look good. That day, I had to talk myself out of getting out of bed. I just felt so sad. Once out of bed, I basically threw something on, didn't even bother to set my hair and just pulled it back into a little ponytail (my hair is not that long, lol). To sum it up, I looked a hot damn mess. And I didn't feel so hot either. The event did make me feel better but honestly, it was a wake-up call. It really made me see that I needed to get it together.
What cemented that fact for me was when I was waiting in line to get my book signed by Christine. Here I was, getting ready to meet one of the most phenomenal people ever and when given the opportunity, I did not use it to the full ability that I should have. My friend Aja did the opposite. She went up to Christine and was chatting her away. Christine told her that she felt Aja was destined for great things and Aja was just smiling away, being that great person she is. Aja has this aura about her, this light. You can't help but smile when you're in Aja's presence. However, me...that day I was so sad. And I knew Christine felt that. She hugged me and told me to hang in there. I told her that my dad passed away 10 months ago and I have been trying to get through it. I then told her how I am writing a book and it has been hard to get through that. She left me with the parting words of "Keep writing and good luck with the book! Things will get better." My sadness prevented me from really, truly connecting with someone and having a happy empowering moment. I had so many questions about getting a book published and wanted to get some sound advice. I was so disappointed in myself and went home feeling defeated. When I went to bed that night, I vowed to never do that again to myself. Especially when I opened up my book and saw that she signed it "Remember that no matter what, you are loved." What a powerful statement in such a short sentence.
So the next day, I got up and made the decision to never let myself go outside looking a mess ever again, lol. Also, I had to remind myself what I tell so many people...your life is what you make it. You create the life you want. Sure, we have obstacles and setbacks to face but at the end of the day, you have the power to change what you don't like and choose how you will live that day.
Back to my list...because I am trying to create the life I want to live and stop being sad over something that cannot change. My dad is never coming back in this life. He may visit me in dreams and I know I will see him again when it is my time to leave this world but for now, he is not here. But I still am and I need to live. I need to honor his legacy.
So here's a few things I have on my must-do list...
1. Go see the Freedom Sisters exhibit at the Malcolm X & Dr. Betty Shabazz Memorial and Educational Center.
2. Go to the Coffee and Tea Festival on Sat, 2/25 - tickets are $10 through a deal on Time Out NY.
3. Go to Philly and visit my friend Marie and make her go with me to do the QVC tour. She doesn't know it yet but she knows now. LOL. (this is planned for the weekend of 3/10)
4. Go to the City of NY museum with my friend Mr J, who I planned on going with back in Dec and never did. I have tickets I bought on Groupon last year that I have yet to use. SMH.
5. Go to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta (which I will do very soon).
6. Make a conscious effort to see my friends more...even if it's a call, a lunch, something.
That's all I have for now...I don't plan too far ahead and I am trying to plan things that are doable right now. I have just put off so many things and I need to be out there, living. That is my lesson for today...as the saying goes, don't put off tomorrow what you can do today. I'm done putting off my life. The time is now. If you have a must-do list, I would love to know what is on it since I draw inspiration from others ....please share either in comments here or on the FJM Facebook page. :)
I'm trying to put myself out there more. I have become sort of a recluse in the last few months and am ready to burst out of my bubble and get out there because being a recluse is so not me. The first step was attending this great event last Sunday in Manhattan hosted by Christine Arylo called A Day of Self-Love in NYC. Best part was that each person with a ticket received a signed copy of Christine's book Choosing ME before WE. At $22, that was a steal.
Christine is awesome. And I didn't realize how bad I was until that day. This was also a testament to what I always say about how when we feel good, we want to look good. That day, I had to talk myself out of getting out of bed. I just felt so sad. Once out of bed, I basically threw something on, didn't even bother to set my hair and just pulled it back into a little ponytail (my hair is not that long, lol). To sum it up, I looked a hot damn mess. And I didn't feel so hot either. The event did make me feel better but honestly, it was a wake-up call. It really made me see that I needed to get it together.
What cemented that fact for me was when I was waiting in line to get my book signed by Christine. Here I was, getting ready to meet one of the most phenomenal people ever and when given the opportunity, I did not use it to the full ability that I should have. My friend Aja did the opposite. She went up to Christine and was chatting her away. Christine told her that she felt Aja was destined for great things and Aja was just smiling away, being that great person she is. Aja has this aura about her, this light. You can't help but smile when you're in Aja's presence. However, me...that day I was so sad. And I knew Christine felt that. She hugged me and told me to hang in there. I told her that my dad passed away 10 months ago and I have been trying to get through it. I then told her how I am writing a book and it has been hard to get through that. She left me with the parting words of "Keep writing and good luck with the book! Things will get better." My sadness prevented me from really, truly connecting with someone and having a happy empowering moment. I had so many questions about getting a book published and wanted to get some sound advice. I was so disappointed in myself and went home feeling defeated. When I went to bed that night, I vowed to never do that again to myself. Especially when I opened up my book and saw that she signed it "Remember that no matter what, you are loved." What a powerful statement in such a short sentence.
So the next day, I got up and made the decision to never let myself go outside looking a mess ever again, lol. Also, I had to remind myself what I tell so many people...your life is what you make it. You create the life you want. Sure, we have obstacles and setbacks to face but at the end of the day, you have the power to change what you don't like and choose how you will live that day.
Back to my list...because I am trying to create the life I want to live and stop being sad over something that cannot change. My dad is never coming back in this life. He may visit me in dreams and I know I will see him again when it is my time to leave this world but for now, he is not here. But I still am and I need to live. I need to honor his legacy.
So here's a few things I have on my must-do list...
1. Go see the Freedom Sisters exhibit at the Malcolm X & Dr. Betty Shabazz Memorial and Educational Center.
2. Go to the Coffee and Tea Festival on Sat, 2/25 - tickets are $10 through a deal on Time Out NY.
3. Go to Philly and visit my friend Marie and make her go with me to do the QVC tour. She doesn't know it yet but she knows now. LOL. (this is planned for the weekend of 3/10)
4. Go to the City of NY museum with my friend Mr J, who I planned on going with back in Dec and never did. I have tickets I bought on Groupon last year that I have yet to use. SMH.
5. Go to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta (which I will do very soon).
6. Make a conscious effort to see my friends more...even if it's a call, a lunch, something.
That's all I have for now...I don't plan too far ahead and I am trying to plan things that are doable right now. I have just put off so many things and I need to be out there, living. That is my lesson for today...as the saying goes, don't put off tomorrow what you can do today. I'm done putting off my life. The time is now. If you have a must-do list, I would love to know what is on it since I draw inspiration from others ....please share either in comments here or on the FJM Facebook page. :)
I am lucky enough to have friends in my life who have remained constant for many years. I've known my best friend Herman for 15 years, my other close friend Brooke for 8 years, my close friend Marie for like 8 years, my friend Josie since junior high school, and etc. I have lost a few friends here and there. Sometimes some friendships only last a season and once they serve their purpose, they end. But those friends who are meant to be there for a lifetime are the ones you have to keep close and always show appreciation to. Taking someone for granted is something we all do at one point or another but we shouldn't, because nothing is ever guaranteed in life.
No one is perfect and I will admit that I am not the easiest person to deal with. I have a big heart and a lot of love to give others. But at the same time, I am human. In the last year, with my dad's passing, I have not been myself. I have not been happy. I have been so sad and angry. Some people may not know how to deal with that. But my friends are so understanding and have been there, even when I have been a bitch. Herman will be quick to tell me to get over it. He never takes anything personal, which I am so thankful for since I have not been myself for the last 10 months. My friend Josie will call me in the middle of the night and listen to me rant on and on about things I am pissed off about and she will just tell me everything is going to be okay. She tells me she will always be there. Marie continues to just smile at me and tell me she loves me, even when I am being such a bitch. She checks on me every week with a call.
Looking back now with my anger gone, I feel terrible about how I have been. Such a dark place. Thank goodness my friends are forgiving ones. I am the type of person who will apologize and will try my hardest to make things better because if you can't admit your wrongs, how are you going to make things right?
So that is how I have learned to see who are the lifetime friends and who are not - during this time of my life, which is the lowest point I have ever been at. When someone totally abandons you at your lowest point and takes whatever you do personal and makes it about themselves while not really looking at the big picture, those people are not worth having around. I had to let go of some people, which was so hard! Sometimes it's hard to see people for who they are because you have a history with them. But at the end of the day, you have to be honest with yourself. For me, I am already battling my own demons with trying to live with this grief and deal with it along with my anxiety. I don't need any additional drama. So I needed to clean house for my well-being. I even ended a 20+ year friendship with someone last summer, which still pains me but had to be done.
I am now left with friends, some new unexpected ones and some old ones, who I love with all my being and appreciation because they dealt with me when I was at my worst, when I was yelling at them and telling them to leave me alone or just being mean, when I was crying at the drop of a hat and when I said I didn't need anyone. They knew better. They knew I was lashing out because of my pain and not knowing how to deal with it. They accept me for me. They knew it wasn't personal. And they still loved me. I have vowed going forward to do everything I can to show my appreciation for them. Whether it's picking up the phone weekly to call them and just say hi. Or dropping them a quick email to check in or even sending them a card in the mail. I vow to remember every birthday and special day. I promise to tell them every chance I get how lucky I am to have them in my life. These are things that we should all do naturally but we get so distracted by everyday life that we take things for granted. So if you have these type of friends in your life, hold them close, appreciate them. Because they are gifts. They are blessings. They are your personal angels.
I'm feeling good, people. And part of that is coming out of this dark tunnel finally and seeing my friends there, waiting for me, saying "It's about time! We've been waiting for you, Girl! She's Back!". :)
No one is perfect and I will admit that I am not the easiest person to deal with. I have a big heart and a lot of love to give others. But at the same time, I am human. In the last year, with my dad's passing, I have not been myself. I have not been happy. I have been so sad and angry. Some people may not know how to deal with that. But my friends are so understanding and have been there, even when I have been a bitch. Herman will be quick to tell me to get over it. He never takes anything personal, which I am so thankful for since I have not been myself for the last 10 months. My friend Josie will call me in the middle of the night and listen to me rant on and on about things I am pissed off about and she will just tell me everything is going to be okay. She tells me she will always be there. Marie continues to just smile at me and tell me she loves me, even when I am being such a bitch. She checks on me every week with a call.
Looking back now with my anger gone, I feel terrible about how I have been. Such a dark place. Thank goodness my friends are forgiving ones. I am the type of person who will apologize and will try my hardest to make things better because if you can't admit your wrongs, how are you going to make things right?
So that is how I have learned to see who are the lifetime friends and who are not - during this time of my life, which is the lowest point I have ever been at. When someone totally abandons you at your lowest point and takes whatever you do personal and makes it about themselves while not really looking at the big picture, those people are not worth having around. I had to let go of some people, which was so hard! Sometimes it's hard to see people for who they are because you have a history with them. But at the end of the day, you have to be honest with yourself. For me, I am already battling my own demons with trying to live with this grief and deal with it along with my anxiety. I don't need any additional drama. So I needed to clean house for my well-being. I even ended a 20+ year friendship with someone last summer, which still pains me but had to be done.
I am now left with friends, some new unexpected ones and some old ones, who I love with all my being and appreciation because they dealt with me when I was at my worst, when I was yelling at them and telling them to leave me alone or just being mean, when I was crying at the drop of a hat and when I said I didn't need anyone. They knew better. They knew I was lashing out because of my pain and not knowing how to deal with it. They accept me for me. They knew it wasn't personal. And they still loved me. I have vowed going forward to do everything I can to show my appreciation for them. Whether it's picking up the phone weekly to call them and just say hi. Or dropping them a quick email to check in or even sending them a card in the mail. I vow to remember every birthday and special day. I promise to tell them every chance I get how lucky I am to have them in my life. These are things that we should all do naturally but we get so distracted by everyday life that we take things for granted. So if you have these type of friends in your life, hold them close, appreciate them. Because they are gifts. They are blessings. They are your personal angels.
I'm feeling good, people. And part of that is coming out of this dark tunnel finally and seeing my friends there, waiting for me, saying "It's about time! We've been waiting for you, Girl! She's Back!". :)
So it is almost the end of Valentine's Day and no matter how much I said I hate the day, something always happens to make me once again feel the love. It's weird because I embrace my single status. I truly believe in love and know that when that higher power thinks I'm ready, that man will come into my life. So I'm not too concerned anymore about that.
I used to be, BIG TIME. As women, we have expiration dates when it comes to having children so for those of us who want kids, when we pass that 40-yr mark and still have not had any, we start to get a LITTLE concerned, lol. But I look at the bright side instead of dwelling on that impending expiration date. I always say, shoot, I have a good 6-7 years to have a baby. I'm good. And you get to a point where you start to accept that if it isn't in the cards, that's okay too. I plan to adopt so I will be okay.
But getting back to love, we all want to have that special love in our lives. And after today and the outpouring of love I received from my friends and family, I realized that no matter how much I say I loathe this day, I am a romantic at heart. And I will never give up hope that it will find me. Love is beautiful. Love is out there for all of us. I truly believe that. So while I wait, I will continue to work on me mentally and physically, being bold, being fearless and enjoying this time of waiting. That's all I can do.
I used to be, BIG TIME. As women, we have expiration dates when it comes to having children so for those of us who want kids, when we pass that 40-yr mark and still have not had any, we start to get a LITTLE concerned, lol. But I look at the bright side instead of dwelling on that impending expiration date. I always say, shoot, I have a good 6-7 years to have a baby. I'm good. And you get to a point where you start to accept that if it isn't in the cards, that's okay too. I plan to adopt so I will be okay.
But getting back to love, we all want to have that special love in our lives. And after today and the outpouring of love I received from my friends and family, I realized that no matter how much I say I loathe this day, I am a romantic at heart. And I will never give up hope that it will find me. Love is beautiful. Love is out there for all of us. I truly believe that. So while I wait, I will continue to work on me mentally and physically, being bold, being fearless and enjoying this time of waiting. That's all I can do.
About two weeks ago, I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy where it was a dream sequence for the lead character Meredith Grey. She was dreaming about how life would be if her mother never got sick with Alzheimer's Disease. The underlying theme and lesson of the episode was destiny and fate: No matter how things change, if they are meant to be, they will happen in the end.
It got me thinking. Many of us spend so much time trying to control our lives, our destiny. This is why many of us end up in a job we hate or in a relationship with someone that we really don't want to be with or even end up living somewhere we really don't like. We settle because we are trying to control the scenario and go for the "sure" thing. We let fear hold us back from truly making a bold choice or decision and just going for it. Funny thing with destiny and fate is, the Universe/God will continue to throw hints your way to push you back on the right path. But we still take detours because of the decisions we make, fueled by lack of trust and fear in the unknown. So it takes many of us longer to get that dream to come to fruition than we would like it to take.
I think we all need to be accountable for the choices we make in life. Many of us place blame on other people, other situations, etc. But honestly, we made the choice. At the end of the day, we have to accept this fact before we can truly move on and make better choices. Learn the lesson and move on.
Almost four years ago, I was working at a job that I loved some aspects of but was not truly happy. I spent 7 years there and was conflicted about leaving because it was a steady income and a "sure" thing. Well, that "sure" thing turned out to not be such a sure thing. I was laid off and I feel like that was when my journey of being reborn again started. The Universe kept throwing opportunities at me but during the first year of being unemployed, I kind of blindly went through life, confused and just "winging" it. I started to travel in hopes that it would give me some clarity. Here I am at the age of 38, starting over. It was a daunting thing to face.
Year 2, more opportunities were being thrown at me and I started writing and blogging. But still, I was not at my full potential. I kept doubting myself and second-guessing everything. Then in Year 3, my dad died. And in his death, more opportunities were being thrown at me. I was writing more and even got a position on the production team for Full Figured Fashion Week. I was figuring out what my "voice" was online in terms of blogging and was close to finding it. Also, my dream has always been to write a book and become a published author. I have been a writer since I was a kid. I love books and the library is my second home. My gift is to write. But my mind and spirit were so cluttered with everything else that I could not focus on my writing. But the opportunity to write a book presented itself. It was just up to me to start writing.
Here we are, the start of Year 4. More than ever, I feel like my destiny is to get this book published as well as take this blog to a higher level. I have some opportunities awaiting me - all I have to do is seize them. Grief has been kicking me in the ass but I cannot ignore my destiny. I have to make the right choices this time. I have to be bold and fearless. That is what life is all about. It all starts with the first chapter. Which I have written. And I push myself to write a little everyday. I'm now on Chapter 5.
I think back to the advice my step-mom gave me after my dad died. She said "You have to do the best you can with what you have, one day at a time." Best advice ever. So I share with all of you...if you keep being detoured on your path to your destiny:
1. Take a look at the choices you are making and why you are making them.
2. Be accountable for those choices - stop playing the blame game.
3. Make a list of things you want to accomplish. No desire or dream is too small or crazy.
4. Take one goal at a time and make a plan.
5. Lastly, be bold enough to take a chance and make a choice that may not seem like a "sure" thing. Listen to that inner of voice, your intuition. She knows best.
6. Just take it one day at a time. If things don't go your way today, no worries. You will get a do-over tomorrow, God-willing. Just like my step-mom said, do the best that you can with what you have, one day at a time.
I started this blog with the intention of sharing my life with all of you in an effort to inspire someone, anyone. I'm certainly not perfect but I am willing to make myself better, one day at a time. I am willing to share my lessons along the way with all of you. That is part of my destiny and how I can truly put my gift of writing to use. It took 4 years but I think I am finally on the right path. Now to keep going and follow through with it all...that's quite another feat and story.
It got me thinking. Many of us spend so much time trying to control our lives, our destiny. This is why many of us end up in a job we hate or in a relationship with someone that we really don't want to be with or even end up living somewhere we really don't like. We settle because we are trying to control the scenario and go for the "sure" thing. We let fear hold us back from truly making a bold choice or decision and just going for it. Funny thing with destiny and fate is, the Universe/God will continue to throw hints your way to push you back on the right path. But we still take detours because of the decisions we make, fueled by lack of trust and fear in the unknown. So it takes many of us longer to get that dream to come to fruition than we would like it to take.
I think we all need to be accountable for the choices we make in life. Many of us place blame on other people, other situations, etc. But honestly, we made the choice. At the end of the day, we have to accept this fact before we can truly move on and make better choices. Learn the lesson and move on.
Almost four years ago, I was working at a job that I loved some aspects of but was not truly happy. I spent 7 years there and was conflicted about leaving because it was a steady income and a "sure" thing. Well, that "sure" thing turned out to not be such a sure thing. I was laid off and I feel like that was when my journey of being reborn again started. The Universe kept throwing opportunities at me but during the first year of being unemployed, I kind of blindly went through life, confused and just "winging" it. I started to travel in hopes that it would give me some clarity. Here I am at the age of 38, starting over. It was a daunting thing to face.
Year 2, more opportunities were being thrown at me and I started writing and blogging. But still, I was not at my full potential. I kept doubting myself and second-guessing everything. Then in Year 3, my dad died. And in his death, more opportunities were being thrown at me. I was writing more and even got a position on the production team for Full Figured Fashion Week. I was figuring out what my "voice" was online in terms of blogging and was close to finding it. Also, my dream has always been to write a book and become a published author. I have been a writer since I was a kid. I love books and the library is my second home. My gift is to write. But my mind and spirit were so cluttered with everything else that I could not focus on my writing. But the opportunity to write a book presented itself. It was just up to me to start writing.
Here we are, the start of Year 4. More than ever, I feel like my destiny is to get this book published as well as take this blog to a higher level. I have some opportunities awaiting me - all I have to do is seize them. Grief has been kicking me in the ass but I cannot ignore my destiny. I have to make the right choices this time. I have to be bold and fearless. That is what life is all about. It all starts with the first chapter. Which I have written. And I push myself to write a little everyday. I'm now on Chapter 5.
I think back to the advice my step-mom gave me after my dad died. She said "You have to do the best you can with what you have, one day at a time." Best advice ever. So I share with all of you...if you keep being detoured on your path to your destiny:
1. Take a look at the choices you are making and why you are making them.
2. Be accountable for those choices - stop playing the blame game.
3. Make a list of things you want to accomplish. No desire or dream is too small or crazy.
4. Take one goal at a time and make a plan.
5. Lastly, be bold enough to take a chance and make a choice that may not seem like a "sure" thing. Listen to that inner of voice, your intuition. She knows best.
6. Just take it one day at a time. If things don't go your way today, no worries. You will get a do-over tomorrow, God-willing. Just like my step-mom said, do the best that you can with what you have, one day at a time.
I started this blog with the intention of sharing my life with all of you in an effort to inspire someone, anyone. I'm certainly not perfect but I am willing to make myself better, one day at a time. I am willing to share my lessons along the way with all of you. That is part of my destiny and how I can truly put my gift of writing to use. It took 4 years but I think I am finally on the right path. Now to keep going and follow through with it all...that's quite another feat and story.
Sometimes I think I live in an alternate universe or feel so out of place. I like doing nice things for people. It's part of my character. And I am the type of person that when I meet someone and have a connection with them, a friendship is born. But we live in such a twisted world where most people are paranoid and of the mindset that no one is nice, just to be nice. I guess that means I am a rarity. I don't know. All I know is, I get strange looks when I do something nice for someone not expecting anything in return or I hear the thing I hate the most "Oh, that's sooo sweet of you!" as if they are surprised that I would be nice to them. Makes me wonder about this world.
The one thing I have learned is that at the end of the day, you have to stay true to yourself. You have to be you because that's how true happiness is achieved. And hopefully, the rest of the world will get it and one day, a person will not look at me strangely or shocked at my good deed. They will just appreciate it for it is and hopefully pay it forward. If we all did one good deed a day and that person on the receiving end paid it forward and did their own good deed, can you just imagine how different a world this would be?
Food for thought...
The one thing I have learned is that at the end of the day, you have to stay true to yourself. You have to be you because that's how true happiness is achieved. And hopefully, the rest of the world will get it and one day, a person will not look at me strangely or shocked at my good deed. They will just appreciate it for it is and hopefully pay it forward. If we all did one good deed a day and that person on the receiving end paid it forward and did their own good deed, can you just imagine how different a world this would be?
Food for thought...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Social Icons