The Year of The Ex: Rediscovering Myself in Love, Lust & Relationships

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I swear, 2014 has been the year of the EX. 

In my experience, exes have always come back. I call it the "remix" because 5 times out of 10, I usually welcome him back. But not always in the way he would like to be back. I know women say they cut off a man completely once it's over. I get it. I have a few exes that I hope I never see ever again and if I do, I'm crossing the street QUICK and hiding my face behind my purse, headphones on blast.

But it depends on the situation. I have some exes where I "used" to think the breakup wasn't bad enough for a cut-off. But after this year, I have come to realize that I was discounting myself by letting those men back into my life. When you know your worth and keep it real with yourself, the honest truth may hurt but shit, it will help you to make yourself a better person. And that's all most of us want, right?

God and the Universe always have a way of throwing people in your path to remind you of some things. Sometimes we are forced to repeat the same scenarios to learn the lesson and not make the same mistakes.

This year in particular, we're in October with almost 3 months left in the year and already, 3 exes have returned. I often wondered why but it didn't hit home for me until the 3rd one came and is now gone. My life felt like an ongoing version of Groundhog Day this year. I got it now, God. Thanks!

Even the most confident, self-assured woman can fall into the Ex trap. You have a history with this man and sometimes those emotions can mess with your judgment BIG TIME. Especially if he has "changed". Changes are subjective. That is all.

I rediscovered myself again, which is always a great thing because sometimes stuff happens that makes you forget about the big picture. Losing my brother four months ago set me back emotionally and despite it hurting on all kinds of levels, death is something we cannot avoid. It happens. Doesn't mean dealing with it is easy but we have to deal with it in order to live.

This is what God gave me a refresher course on this year and what I tell myself on a daily basis:

- Never settle. Girl, you are so amazing and have so much to offer the right man. These half-stepping dudes are not worth your time. If he is not making an effort to see you, talk to you, be loyal to you and just accept you and love you for who you are, NEXT!

Side note: I had to revise my "list" of what I am looking for in a man. This list has changed many times in the past 20 years because honestly, your list should evolve with you as time passes. And what I have learned is that what you want and what you will accept can be two different things and hinge on how you feel about yourself. Self-worth is EVERYTHING.

- Exes are meant to stay in the past. If he did you wrong in the past, he is not worthy of being in your life in the present. A man (or this applies to a woman as well) will do to you what you allow him to do to you. What you accept will continue. Plain and simple.

- I deserve love. Period.

- It's okay to be in your 40's and single. And it's okay to want to have kids and get married in your 40's. It's your life and you can live it any way you choose. Everyone will have an opinion but that and $2.50 will get them a subway ride. Their opinion will affect you, IF YOU LET IT. Don't feel rushed either.

Side note: I find that I feel so pressured to give a dude a chance when I feel like time is running out and I am obsessing about my age and fertile window closing as we speak. And chances are I would not date him if I did not feel that pressure. Later for all of that mess! I can't be worried about things beyond my control. I want to enjoy life. Worry is evil. Not now, Satan.

- Take care of YOU first. Others will come later.

- Strive to have an ongoing love affair with yourself for all the days in your life. Some days will be harder than others but keep trying. It's the little things that count. So treat yourself to that pair of shoes on sale or that red lipstick you keep saying you're going to buy. Or go to see that new Denzel movie or go for a walk on the boardwalk and people watch. Making yourself happy builds your love for yourself.

- It's okay to be vulnerable.

- Always keep it real with yourself, no matter how much the truth hurts.

Now some of you may be thinking I am over-sharing and asking, why would I tell my business like this? It makes me look like a woman who has had a bad relationship track record, can't find a good man and needs to work on herself. Truth is, I am probably all of those things but that's okay. Because I'm human and I am far from perfect. I will always be a work in progress. But as my dad used to always tell me, what matters is that you try. I try to be a better ME on a daily basis.

So I am sharing this because there has to be at least one person out there who gets it. And you're not alone. Just know things will get better. And if I keep trying and not giving up, I hope this will inspire you to do the same.

I'm still hopeful that love will find me. But until then, I'm swearing off men for a while. It is just too exhausting. And honestly, I need to focus on my career right now. I need to get back on my hustle flow and not be concerned about men. Love and relationships take a lot of energy. And sometimes it's okay to admit that energy is low and some conservation is needed. #imsodonerightnow


  1. Great post!! The right Man will find YOU. . .well, I have been waiting on him for a long time, but I am not giving up. You are still young and it will happen. When he comes along just make sure you are Loveable!

    1. Bless you for saying I am young! LOL! I'm 44 so my child bearing window is growing thin but I am beginning to let go of some of the dreams I have held on to for so long because sometimes what we want is not meant for us. But yes, I agree that the right man will find me. I'm not giving up on that. :-) Thanks for reading!

  2. Grrr google hasn't allowed me to reply. Sorry. I found this post resonated with me. I agree with you.. We deserve someone who lives us o matter the hughs or lows..

    I hope you find your someone xoxo

  3. It is well said that true love never dies. I have experienced it personally, and I reunited with my love two years after being separated because both of us came to realize that we were incomplete without each other.