Sometimes You Have to Go Home Again

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

"It's okay to not be okay. Sometimes to get through what you need to get through, but don't stay there too long - there is always light at the end of the tunnel." ~ Mary J. Blige

I want to be completely honest with all of you. There are times where I feel like I'm not okay. This daily battle with the inner voices in my head that try to taint the confident words I speak to myself is really hard. Some days I lose and some days I win.

I'm over 40, over a size 24 and I'm now in an arena where when you wear a swimsuit, you are celebrated. When you go naked, you're celebrated. When you dress scantily clad, you're celebrated. I get that seeing women of all sizes, showing their imperfections, is very inspiring. But it also sets that standard of what's expected in the body positivity space and you feel pressured to keep up. I started to feel like maybe I am not worthy of being seen because I'm old, I'm conservative and I'm not a safe "fat" body to be seen. 

Am I not worthy of being a part of the movement? Am I not worthy of being celebrated and seen?

I recently overheard some bloggers talking about me -- they didn't know I could hear them. Besides saying I am too old to have green hair and how I am weird because I tend to stay to myself and observe, one girl called me a dinosaur.

So, I will admit that at first, I laughed because dinosaurs are dope AF. Dinosaurs are amazing. I was like, YESSSSSSS!

But then those negative words stayed with me, hovering in the back of my mind, waiting for its moment to pounce and infiltrate my positive thoughts and conversations that I have with myself.

Believe me, people think I don't have my struggles but I do. However, I keep pushing through because like Mary J. says, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I am learning that it's okay to give myself a break and be kind to myself. But still, it's so hard. So I focus on celebrating the wins because that gives me the drive to keep going and chase that light at the end of the tunnel.

Recently, I was having a bad day so I texted my cousin late in the afternoon and said, "Let's go to the beach". She said yes and headed over.

She had no idea that this would be my first time on the beach since Hurricane Sandy. And I was going to wear my new swimsuit from Always For Me.

Please note: This is not a paid post. While I was gifted this suit, I was under no obligation to blog about it. I truly love Always For Me because their suits offer support, fit great and are made so well.

Something in me just told me to get up and do something amazing. It felt so weird. I honestly don't know if it was my dad giving me that strength or not but I got up, put my suit on, got pretty and headed to the beach.

And guess what? I felt like I was home.

The beach has been a part of my life since I was 4 years old. It was always at my doorstep, for me to go to whenever I wanted. But somehow, Sandy really shook me up. I think that because I viewed the ocean as this calm, beautiful thing, that when Sandy came along and inflicted such devastation in the area, it really made me scared of one of the things I loved so much. The ocean was my home and I no longer felt safe there.

The beach has changed dramatically. It's half the size it was before Sandy. The ocean line moved up. But it survived and that reminded me that I am a survivor too. 

I even dipped my feet in the water and didn't freak out! Talk about a major moment.

I also took it one step further and took off my cover up skirt on the boardwalk. And again, the world did not come to an end. As my cousin took my pics, there were two women sitting on the boardwalk and they were watching us with a smile.

How is this different than my two piece moment in LA? Well, I have to admit that I felt uncomfortable removing my shorts there and when I did, I still had on my cover up. Baby steps... I'm learning to love  my lumpy thighs one day at a time.

I'm slowly taking layers off in my swim life and I realized that I have to do so on my time. My journey is mine and I shouldn't feel pressured to keep up with anyone. Some plus size women walk around easily in swimwear and some even wear it as clothing. Listen, more power to you! You do you, Girl! But me... I'm going to wear what I want to wear on my time and not put extra pressure on myself. Sexy is relative.

I now own 6 swimsuits, 2 of them are bikinis. And this day reminded me that this dinosaur is still fabulous. I plan to wear all my swimsuits this summer, MY WAY. I just have to take it one day at a time. I also need to get me a t-shirt with a plus size pink dinosaur on it. 

I love this swimdress from Always For Me so much that I kept it on for the rest of the day, even when I got home. I was walking around feeling so comfortable and I felt so empowered because honestly I felt like everyone else in that moment. I was just a girl in a swimsuit. And that's an amazing feeling.

You can shop my look here:

I would love to hear your empowering swim stories. Please comment below and share. 

1 comment

  1. Dear Marcy,
    I turned 60 this year and have been a curvy woman all my life.I have always lived joyously and loved fashion. But and oh what a big BUT, I hated myself and as I hurt myself and pushed myself to become a NORMAL person. I have also started the journey of acceptance and for the first time in 40 years I have worn sleeveless. I found it to be freeing and so scary. For moments I feel great to not cover up beautiful outfits with the ugly shrugs and then cowered feeling my arms are the size of a whale. But because of all of you wonderful ladies I will push through. I intend to grow old fabulously enjoying all that comes to me!!! Thank you for sharing your journey. I am with you. Look at my fist videos on Youtube under Brenda Rundle. Again Thank you and I also have that beautiful dress from Lane Bryant. Love It and Love it on you tooo.