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Showing posts with label Believe. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Believe. Show all posts
"Art isn’t something you need an outside license or a paycheck to pursue. It’s a way of life. It’s a way of adding up what you feel and where you’ve been and what you fear and what you can imagine. It’s a way of seeing your life through a lens that makes everything — good and bad, confusing and clarifying, uplifting and depressing — valuable." - Heather Havrilesky, Ask Polly 11/28/18
I stumbled upon the Ask Polly column on The Cut.com a few months ago while sick with the flu and to say it blew my mind is an understatement.
The author Heather Havrilesky answers letters weekly under the name Polly and honestly, some of the topics she tackles are deep and thought-provoking.
In the column titled ‘I’m Broke and Mostly Friendless, and I’ve Wasted My Whole Life’, she advises 'Haunted', who has written in about how disappointed she is in her life, haunted by the things she had set out to accomplish in life but at the age of 35, feels she has accomplished nothing.
Haunted has moved many times to different cities, traveled, had relationships and jobs. She is currently unhappy with her current job and is at a point where she is tired. She has tons of debt, no friends, single and no children. And the kicker? She's a writer.
I said out loud to myself, "Am I reading something from myself?"
I used to be Haunted, literally and figuratively. In the past, I have said many times how I felt like I have not accomplished what I set out to do in my life. I'm now in my late 40's and never married or had children. I've always felt like I should have done so much at this point of my life. I was haunted by what I didn't do because it made me feel inadequate and at times, worthless.
But this is something that many of us feel. We base our timeline on our age.
We're told that by a certain age, we should have X amount of things done. We should be married. We should have children. We should go to college and/or be set in our careers by a certain age. I could go on. But guess what? Life almost never goes as planned.
"Shame is the opposite of art. When you live inside of your shame, everything you see is inadequate and embarrassing. A lifetime of traveling and having adventures and not being tethered to long-term commitments looks empty and pathetic and foolish, through the lens of shame. You haven’t found a partner. Your face is aging. Your body will only grow weaker. Your mind is less elastic. Your time is running out. Shame turns every emotion into the manifestation of some personality flaw, every casual choice into a giant mistake, every small blunder into a moral failure. Shame means that you’re damned and you’ve accomplished nothing and it’s all downhill from here."When I read that, I was completely mind-blown.
Shame. These feelings I have, they have a name. I never thought of how I was feeling as shame but it is. One of the mantras I live by is change your mindset, change your life. And the difference between living inside your shame versus looking at your shame with an open mind and heart is that you look at life through a different lens, which then determines how you live that life.
Polly goes on to tell Haunted how she can create a new life for herself by simply looking at her shame differently. By not being afraid to accept that while life is not perfect, it can still be wonderful.
"You need to discard some of this shame you’re carrying around all the time. But even if you can’t cast off your shame that quickly, through the lens of art, shame becomes valuable. When you’re curious about your shame instead of afraid of it, you can see the true texture of the day and the richness of the moment, with all of its flaws. You can run your hands along your own self-defeating edges until you get a splinter, and you can pull the splinter out and stare at it and consider it. When you face your shame with an open heart, you’re on a path to art, on a path to finding joy and misery and fear and hope in the folds of your day. Even as your job is slow and dull and pointless, even as your afternoons alone feel treacherous and daunting, you can train your eyes on the low-hanging clouds until a tiny bit of sunlight filters through. You are alive and you will probably be alive for many decades to come. The numbers on your credit-card statements can feel harrowing, but you can take that feeling and keep it company instead of letting it eat you alive. You can walk to the corner store to buy a newspaper and pull out the weekend calendar section and circle something, and make a commitment to do that one thing. You can build a new kind of existence, one that feels small and flawed and honest, but each day you accumulate a kind of treasure that doesn’t disappear. Because instead of running away from the truth, you welcome it in. You don’t treat what you have as pointless. You work with what you have."Havrilesky does an incredible job of issuing advice while being transparent on how she identifies with the person's feelings, including admitting her own flaws. This makes her a real person and not just someone writing a column for a major website who also has a book out. Everyone, even someone like Oprah, has their struggles.
We always tend to look at the end result instead of the journey, when looking at people. So it's easy to compare our lives to theirs and feel some kind of way about their success in comparison to ours.
"When you carry around a suspicion that there’s something sort of embarrassing or pathetic about you, you find ways to project that shame onto completely innocuous things. You find ways to tell yourself that everyone is laughing at you behind your back somewhere, possibly at a party where they are serving beautiful tasty drinks but you weren’t invited. You’re too old now. You’re no longer exciting or important. You don’t matter. You never really did. Shame creates imaginary worlds inside your head. This haunted house you’re creating is forged from your shame. No one else can see it, so you keep trying to describe it to them. You find ways to say, “You don’t want any part of this mess. I’m mediocre, aging rapidly, and poor. Do yourself a favor and leave me behind.” You want to be left behind, though. That way, no one bears witness to what you’ve become. It’s time to come out of hiding. It’s time to step into the light and be seen, shame and wrinkles and failures and fears and all."That last line! I'm done!
This year, my mission is to step into my power. I want to show up more for myself and others. I want to put myself out there more with positive intentions. I want to walk in a room with a positive attitude and be open to what awaits.
Does it scare the shit out of me? Hell yes. But if I am to live out this life of mine as fully as I can, I have to let go of my shame, my past (including past negative stories I told myself) and being afraid of the unknown.
This year has already kicked off amazingly and I keep thinking of my niece. She now watches over me, along with my dad and brother. And I can hear her voice in my ear, saying "Auntie, you got this!"
Typing that out makes the tears flow because she's only been gone 7 months. But as I learned when I lost my dad and then my brother, time does not stand still. Grief is painful but in order to live and keep moving, I have to learn how to carry that pain with me and channel it into something positive.
Honoring their legacy and continuing her work is what drives me. I'm going to be 50 next year but you know what? It's never too late to do whatever is on my life's to-do list. Gray hairs, pre-menopause and all. No wrinkles yet but I am not complaining! LOL!
Here's to living my best life and you living yours at any age. xoxo
"I am recognizing that the voice inside my head is urging me to be myself but never follow someone else." ~ Q-Tip, "Steve Biko (Stir it Up)"
For years, I wore the wrong size. I thought I was larger than I was AND I had been fed that notion growing up that wearing baggy clothing would hide my fat and draw less attention from the world. I used to lie about my size because I was ashamed to be a size 24 and wore clothing that was a size 30/32 in order to hide my body.
For me, those days of hiding and lying about my size are over. I'm still on my journey to complete self love and I know that journey is a lifetime commitment.
Now I'm a size 26/28 and I don't lie about it. I embrace it because it is me and honestly, my size does not dictate my worth in anything. My clothes fit me better -- I mean, how amazing do I look in those Lane Bryant jeans in the above pic? Baggy jeans were not a good look for me. I'm daring to step out of my comfort zone more and wearing different styles - the more fashion I try and love, the more my confidence builds.
AND... my size has actually been my strength and worked for me in a positive way. It has helped me with this blog and reaching other women who need inspiration and empowerment from someone who they resonate with. It has helped me get signed as an extended sizes fit model with State Management, it has helped me stand out in the influencer space and it has taught me how to use my voice to make change in the world.
However, these days, I am now seeing women (including bloggers) lie about their size and saying they are smaller. I see them squeezing into clothing that doesn't fit well. And it confuses me because it's evident that the clothing is too tight and ill fitting, as well as the wearer not looking super comfortable.
Girl. Why are you doing that to yourself?
I'm all for people wearing what they want but I also want to inspire women to embrace who they are, including their size. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We are all beautiful in our own right, no matter your size, age, gender, race and etc.
I want women to proudly wear their size and not think twice about it. I want them to not get caught up in the number and focus on being comfortable in what they choose to wear. Why? Because then you will feel good and will feel more comfortable and strong, wearing something that fits well, isn't stopping your breathing and squeezing the life out of you.
Another reason I personally don't get caught up in sizes anymore is because it is so inconsistent across the board. I wear a size 22 in ASOS, a size XXL (24) in City Chic, a 26 in LOFT, a 28 in Lane Bryant, and so on. Shoot, sometimes I have worn a size 5X at Gwynnie Bee! If I let all that get to my head, I would lose it.
So I shop by my measurements and wear what I love. I wear styles that enhance my curves, lumps and bumps. I know my body shape and know what looks good on me. I wear clothing that I feel good in and that includes those "taboo" styles like a body con dress, a crop top, shorts and leggings. As long as I feel good and love how it looks on me, I wear it.
If you love how that extra tight smaller size looks on, then I will be quiet and let you live. But it does sadden me that some women feel like they have to lie about their size, their weight and all of that vanity stuff because we do those things for others; to seek validation from others.
At the end of the day, we shouldn't be dependent on the validation of others because what counts is the validation we give ourselves.
The most important relationship you can have in life is the one you have with yourself. That relationship will determine how the other relationships in your life will go. And if you can't keep it real with yourself, how will you do so in other relationships?
Some food for thought...
Life is short. Be proud of you and all you have been able to do in your life in your body. Size ain't nothing but a number and has nothing to do with your beauty and what you bring to the world. There is only 1 you in the world so why not celebrate that?
"You gotta have the mindstate like: 'I'm so great,' and can't nobody do it like you do. Miraculous, phenomenal and ain't nobody in here stopping you." ~ Remy Ma, "Conceited"
How An All-Girls Staycation Weekend Reminded Me To Enjoy Every Single Moment
Saturday, August 26, 2017
"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here, we should dance." —Anonymous
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| Fabiola, Marlena, Nanthale, Myself, Jonquel and Brooke at Sunday brunch at Alice's Tea Cup. All looks provided by Eloquii. |
"It's okay to not be okay. Sometimes to get through what you need to get through, but don't stay there too long - there is always light at the end of the tunnel." ~ Mary J. Blige
"A star does not compete with other stars around it; it just shines." ~ Matshona Dhliwayo
For a long time I doubted my greatness. I was always taught to be humble and not brag. While that is not a bad thing, as a result of that, I never gave myself much credit and it affected the conversations I was having with myself.
I used words like "if", "try", "might" and all those words are more questions than affirmations.
"I'm just trying to live my best life."
"I'll try to be the best person I can be."
"I might be successful."
"If I get that opportunity..."
See, how that sounds when you say it aloud? A simple change of words can make the difference in how you speak to yourself and view your greatness.
"I'm living my best life."
"I'm the best person I can be."
"I will be successful".
I am learning to catch myself when I say "If I..." and instead say "I will!" I'm no fortune teller but when you speak life into yourself and claim the things you want, magical things happen. Now life may not go as planned but honestly, whose life goes as planned? We can't control everything that happens in our lives but we can control how we roll with punches and what we put out into the world.
As my good friend Steffany reminded me yesterday, if something is meant for you, it will happen. In the meantime, I am going to look ahead, stay focused and follow my purpose.
I'm going to be happy in the moment and love myself. I'm going to keep speaking out to the world through my writing and voice so I am heard.
I am going to give myself credit for my greatness.
It's not bragging. It's about believing in yourself and what you can do in your life.Last week, I had the opportunity to be a guest on a Facebook Live segment with plus size styling subscription service Dia & Co, where they were styling me for an industry event.
The host, Dia's Community Manager Ashby Vose, was so friendly and welcoming. I was so nervous and kept thinking, "Will I do well? Will the fans like me? Will I mess up?". When I told Ashby I was nervous, she told me "They will love you! Watch!"
I then decided to just go on and be myself. Just as I blogged a few weeks ago, I had to show up for myself, the folks at Dia and their Facebook fans and customers.
And guess what? The segment was incredible!!!! The customers tuning in really showered me with compliments and asked questions, which I loved. They chose this amazing floral dress for me to wear, which I did this week at a blogger/influencer event thrown by Fruit of the Look/Fit for Me during Full Figured Fashion Week.
The dress matched my mermaid hair and was a hit! So many people came up to me and said how great I looked and how my hair and dress looked amazing in their matching glory.
And at that event, so many people validated that by complimenting me on my outfit and what I have done in the community. I heard from a few people that they appreciate what I do and that my voice is so needed in the world.
I will never forget after the Facebook Live segment at Dia & Co, as I walked to the elevator to go home, CEO and Co-founder Nadia Boujarwah looked at me and gave me the thumbs up and a big smile. That moment told me that I need to appreciate what I bring to the world more because others see it. Others see my greatness.
I won't lie, there are times when I revert back to the old words of "if", "try", "might" and etc. But it takes moments like that that remind me of my greatness and keep me going. I'm human and not perfect but I also control the way I talk to myself. It's always my choice.
And a fabulous dress with matching hair always makes the world take notice of a star.
Dress: Modamix via Dia & Co
Handbag: Out of the Closet (Oakland, CA)
Sneakers: Lane Bryant
"Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it." ~ Gautama Buddha
Every Wednesday morning for the last three years, I have had a standing therapy appointment where I go to talk about everything from grief to anger to even my frustrations in fashion, people and overall, life.
It has become a staple in my life that I learned to welcome. Seeking help has such a negative stigma to it so at first, I didn't tell anyone. What would they think if I said I was in therapy? Little did I know, more people go to therapy than I thought!
After my session weekly, I always see this woman who has the time slot before me and is always waiting in the lobby for her ride home. One day, she smiled at me and we began to chat. A friendship was born.
We'd chat almost every week and have been for about two years. The last time we spoke, she said something to me that still has me thinking, almost a week later.
We were talking about our therapist who is leaving the practice and how we were not looking forward to being paired with someone new. I was telling her how far I have come in my life because of therapy and how I used to be afraid to leave the house after my brother died because the thought of not knowing when it's my time to die is terrifying so I would much rather stay at home in my safe place. And she said:
"Oh, I'd welcome death. At this point, I am waiting for my time to go. I feel like I am wasting space in this life that someone else can use to be something great. I feel I don't have a purpose and am doing nothing in this life. I am not scared of death at all. I'd welcome it."
I was stunned, to say the least. I had never heard someone say that before. Here I am, scared of dying because I feel like I have not accomplished everything I want to do in this life and I am just not ready. And this woman is ready to die.
I told her that we are all here for a reason and that she may feel like she doesn't have a purpose but that's because she hasn't figured it out yet. And I also told her that sometimes we get in our own way. Perhaps all these negative thoughts she was having about dying was blocking her from seeing the positive and truly finding her purpose.
I stressed that she needed to change the conversations she was having with herself because she was limiting herself in life.
Her ride came and she hugged me tight. She suggested we go to lunch soon and told me:
"Thank you. You're always honest but in a deep, compassionate way. And you get it."
I believe we all have a purpose and if you believe it, even when you don't know what it is, that will give you the incentive to want to live your life fully. In order to find your purpose, you have to put yourself out in the world. Show up for yourself and others. Once you do that, you will be amazed at all the magical things that come your way.
It can be something small like someone thanking you for helping them across the street or giving them directions. It can be you offering a smile to someone and telling them you like their hair. It could be you sitting on a bench, enjoying a cup of coffee and admiring the blue sky. These little things add up and when the time is right, your purpose will become clear.
For me, my purpose is an accumulation of things but the base has always been my writing.
My writing has been a way for me to inspire others and myself. It has been a way for me to purge my soul while sharing my story. It has given me an outlet to express myself. My writing is something that will live on forever, after I am gone. My writing is my legacy.
That writing is not just me blogging or writing a book. It has been me writing a note in a card and giving it to someone, who was so happy to receive that message. It has been me creating a resume for someone or helping them with content on their website. It has been me helping someone write a cover letter or editing their blog post. My writing has lent itself to so many avenues in the world and it is my gift and purpose.
It is a way for me to serve others while also serving myself. My writing also gives me a voice. I believe that is what your purpose does... it gives you a voice.
I remember when my step-mom asked me to perform the eulogy at my dad's service. It was one of the easiest and hardest pieces I have ever had to write. The writing flowed so easily but the pain that came with every word written was almost unbearable.
But my writing is what told people who my dad was. It made them laugh and it made them cry. It told them how amazing a dad he was and how his life was truly lived. It also inspired others to rethink how they were living their lives and it served as a reminder that we truly don't know when it's our time to leave this earth so we have to make every single moment count.
Writing to me is like a second nature. Anyone can blog or write a book. But to feel that craft within your heart and love the language of the written word... that is a feeling that not everyone knows.
Writing for me is like me giving away a piece of myself to the world but still feeling like my spirit is full.
That's what it feels like to know your purpose AND be open to where that purpose takes you.
I wrote a letter to my friend that I plan to give her next Wednesday. I hope she can find her purpose and want to live. Life is so precious and if you have it, live it. You never know what can happen or what lies ahead.
"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." ~ Nelson Mandela
This weekend, I was forced to really dive into my bedroom and closet. Besides me getting a new bedroom set, I'm also planning a closet sale in May and taking some trips. And my clothing (and shoes!) situation is starting to get out of control.
I say "forced" because for me, I tend to form an emotional attachment to things so it's hard for me to purge. But I don't know... I am in a different place and wasn't so anxious about purging this time around.
My 15-yr-old niece Savana was helping me go through stuff and as I went through my clothes and shoes, I realized that I was seeing the "old" me in these things. And it made me realize how much I have grown in the past few years.
I used to hate showing my upper arms. So I had a collection of shrugs in every color and print. I also own so many blazers when honestly, I am not a blazer girl. I'm more of a moto jacket/cropped jacket girl. However, back then, I wore shrugs and long blazers to cover my arms, stomach and butt. Those shrugs and blazers went in the "donate" bag along with those ridiculous fears I once had about showing parts of my body.
I had tons of maxi dresses and long skirts because I did not like to show off my legs either. And let's not even discuss how I always hid my stomach with long tops. They also went in the Donate bag.
I also saw how my style has evolved in those clothes that I held onto. I bought so many things that were not my style but I wore because I was trying to fit in or be like everyone else. I also found jeans that were two sizes larger than I am as well as baggy tops and sweaters. In the Donate bag they go!
It was as if the road to my true confidence and love for myself was laid out in those bags on the floor of my bedroom. Each piece told a story, some not-so-good ones. My niece sat there with me as I told her some stories and how I built my confidence over time. I told her how I now love my arms and show them off all the time. I haven't worn a shrug in almost three years, since my brother's (her dad's) funeral.
So much has changed since then. Grief forced me to reevaluate my life. When I started this journey of healing myself, I had no idea where it would take me. I look back now and don't even recognize the girl I once was. While I was smart, competent, pretty, caring, genuine and amazing back then, I did not know my own greatness. My lack of self-worth, confidence and self acceptance didn't allow me to be the best person I could be because I did not believe in myself.
I will never blame my size or my grief or any other outer force for me not being totally in love with myself and living fully. I take the full blame because at the end of the day, I have a choice in how I live.
I ended up giving away four bags of stuff and putting away two bags for my closet sale. I threw out so many things too! Usually, when I purge, I'm in tears at the end and mourning the loss. However, this time, no tears. I felt like a large weight had been lifted off of me.
The clothes and shoes I kept are truly me. My style, my rules and my life. I never knew I could be this happy -- I still have bad days but now I know, bad days do not equal a bad life. I just have to roll with the punches and live life as best as I can.
"The more my confidence grows, the more I feel free." ~ Me
As I was looking at fall items this morning and planning what I was going to wear to NY Fashion Week this month, I came to a revelation that kind of shocked me. I was happy and I was looking at items that normally I would pass over.Sleeveless dresses... cutout detailing... crop tops! I would have never thought I would get to this place where I was feeling confident and comfortable enough to bare my arms, show my tummy and wear dresses that were above the knee.
This evolution has spilled over into other areas in my life. Feeling more confident about myself has helped me with being more assertive and not caring too much what others think. It has also helped me with dating because now that I fully know my worth, I refuse to accept any mistreatment from a man.
Let me explain... I've always been confident but it hasn't been consistent. I learned that over time, I had to strengthen my confidence to keep it intact and the way to do that was to take it one day at a time and be kind to myself. I had to truly fall in love with myself.
My inner saboteur was constantly sabotaging me (yes, I watch Rupaul's Drag Race religiously and this really hit home for me when Ru told Adore Delano this).
Falling in love with yourself is just like falling in love with someone else. It's not easy. It requires a lot of work and commitment but you have to make the choice to step up and make an effort. You have to show up for yourself just like you would show up for your significant other.
You have to speak life into yourself and give yourself support and compliments. Too often, we give so much love to others but not enough to ourselves. I'm a caregiver by nature and tend to help others with no hesitation. But often, I forget to put myself first. I wasn't helping myself. And the less I helped myself and the more I helped others, the more my dreams drifted further away.
And that didn't help my confidence, especially within my career that had seemed to stall and my love life, which was a mess. I had so many dreams but I was not pursuing them.
I was so focused on that role of being a caregiver, that I didn't give myself care. And my life was not flourishing in the way it should.
I had to recharge my life and put myself first. I had to nurture a relationship with myself. I had to learn to accept my body, even the parts I don't like. I have a love/hate relationship with my legs but when I thought about my life and what my legs have done for me, I realized that I should be grateful for them period. And not worry too much about how they look. Their purpose is not to be gazed at. Their purpose is to enable me to walk and see the world.
My legs have taken me on this wonderful journey where I have seen so many amazing and incredible things. And they are mine. I have to own them and see the beauty in them. I had to validate myself and not seek validation from others. At the end of the day, what counts is how I view myself and not how I am viewed by others. This is my body and I have to live in it. It is up to me how I choose to live.
I had to also put myself out in the world more. I had to go after what I wanted. Pursuing your dreams is not easy. You have to be willing to put in the work in laying the groundwork. Once you put in the work and have faith, that is when your dreams come into fruition.
You have to believe in yourself, even when it seems like nothing is going right. I know that's hard but it is so necessary in order to push through and stay positive.
Let me explain... I've always been confident but it hasn't been consistent. I learned that over time, I had to strengthen my confidence to keep it intact and the way to do that was to take it one day at a time and be kind to myself. I had to truly fall in love with myself.
My inner saboteur was constantly sabotaging me (yes, I watch Rupaul's Drag Race religiously and this really hit home for me when Ru told Adore Delano this).
Falling in love with yourself is just like falling in love with someone else. It's not easy. It requires a lot of work and commitment but you have to make the choice to step up and make an effort. You have to show up for yourself just like you would show up for your significant other.
You have to speak life into yourself and give yourself support and compliments. Too often, we give so much love to others but not enough to ourselves. I'm a caregiver by nature and tend to help others with no hesitation. But often, I forget to put myself first. I wasn't helping myself. And the less I helped myself and the more I helped others, the more my dreams drifted further away.
And that didn't help my confidence, especially within my career that had seemed to stall and my love life, which was a mess. I had so many dreams but I was not pursuing them.
I was so focused on that role of being a caregiver, that I didn't give myself care. And my life was not flourishing in the way it should.
I had to recharge my life and put myself first. I had to nurture a relationship with myself. I had to learn to accept my body, even the parts I don't like. I have a love/hate relationship with my legs but when I thought about my life and what my legs have done for me, I realized that I should be grateful for them period. And not worry too much about how they look. Their purpose is not to be gazed at. Their purpose is to enable me to walk and see the world.
My legs have taken me on this wonderful journey where I have seen so many amazing and incredible things. And they are mine. I have to own them and see the beauty in them. I had to validate myself and not seek validation from others. At the end of the day, what counts is how I view myself and not how I am viewed by others. This is my body and I have to live in it. It is up to me how I choose to live.
I had to also put myself out in the world more. I had to go after what I wanted. Pursuing your dreams is not easy. You have to be willing to put in the work in laying the groundwork. Once you put in the work and have faith, that is when your dreams come into fruition.
You have to believe in yourself, even when it seems like nothing is going right. I know that's hard but it is so necessary in order to push through and stay positive.
I'm still working on me and will probably be working on me for the rest of my life. That's what all relationships require. Daily work and commitment. But I know better now. Life is good. And the more confident I feel, the more stronger I feel at tackling life and pursuing my dreams. I believe in me. And I know my dreams will come true.
I'm happy. I'm loving myself. And I am about to rock a crop top this fall. And wear more pants and not worry about all my lumps, bumps and rolls. Because I am beautiful and I feel so free.
"Sometimes when you lose your way, you find YOURSELF." ~ Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass
I said goodbye to Year 45 on August 19 as I celebrated my birthday. And I have to say, Year 45 was a pretty damn good year.
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| My image was featured on Shape Magazine's website! |
It's scary and so unbelievably hard to start over. I learned things about myself that I had ignored for a very long time. I had to revisit painful things in my past in order to heal myself and be better. I had to be accountable for all the choices I've made in my life.
It's so much easier to stay in bed and hide from the world. Be in that state of nothingness where you don't have to deal with the world. But easy is not always good. You will never know what amazing things await you if you don't get out of bed and step out into the world.
Grief led me on this journey to taking care of myself by going into therapy. Therapy has taught me to be more self-aware, more confident and know my worth. I wasn't fully living my life. I have done amazing things in my life but my zest for life and my confidence was not consistent.
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| Me at my brother's grave -- I had no idea this pic was being taken |
I miss my dad and brother so much. My grief is still a part of my life. But I have learned that I can grieve for them but still live. I'm still here and I have the gift of life. My dad and brother would not want me to waste that gift. It's okay to be happy after a loss. Is it hard? Yes, definitely. But I had to let go of that guilt. I thought about what my dad and Danny would want for me. And they would want me to be happy.
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| The SmartGlamour #ImFlattered Shoot |
Confidence comes in many forms. It can be loving yourself, knowing your worth, knowing that you're enough and being motivated to put yourself out there and just believe. I believe in myself again. I believe in the possibilities. I believe that it's never too late to start over.
Being comfortable is not always a good thing. Sometimes being uncomfortable has more to do about how you feel about yourself and less about the situation. I never want to settle for anything less than what makes me happy. And I have to learned to trust my gut more and really think about my choices.
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| Me with my $12 Walmart dress this summer, LOL |
I'm learning to not be scared to try new styles, meet new people, write more and live in the moment. That is what Year 45 gave me... the courage to live. So I start Year 46 hopeful, excited, happy and looking forward to the amazing opportunities and possibilities that await me.
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| On set at Gwynnie Bee |
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| On set at Gwynnie Bee |
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| I did a Revelist video -- wearing a 2-piece for the first time |
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| Wearing a cut out dress for the first time |
HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ME! This year has been one of many firsts and I can't wait to conquer even more firsts in Year 46.
"To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy and a whole heart and a free mind." ~ Pearl S. Buck
2016 has really been a whirlwind for me. In the last month and a half, so many wonderful things have happened that I am convinced this is going to be the best year ever.
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| I was a part of SmartGlamour's #ImFlattered campaign that went viral |
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| I can be seen on the SmartGlamour site (The Katie Dress) |
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| Me at the PLY fashion show during New York Fashion Week FW2016 (left: my friend Alex LaRosa, PLUS Model Magazine Feb 2016 cover model) |
When you claim things, speak it out to the Universe and believe, the possibilities will come. I've worked a lot on myself in the last few years after losing my dad and brother. Death can really force you to re-evaluate your life. I realized that what is meant for me will come. And if something doesn't work out, it wasn't for me. Once I started thinking in that way, it was as if a huge weight was taken off my spirit. No pressure.
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| I started writing articles on the community website On The Plus Side |
All I do now is work towards my goals and dreams, put myself out there more, stay humble and always be true to myself. I don't compare myself to others anymore. I also don't resent the successes of others. The spotlight is big enough for all of us to get shine. I truly believe that.
One of the best things to happen this year is a new project I was chosen to be a part of. Plus size clothing subscription service Gwynnie Bee recently launched their First Fit reviews on their site. The reviews are courtesy of everyday women (not models) offering honest reviews on fit and style of new arrivals. These women come in all shapes and sizes. It's truly size/body diversity. Not every body is the same and to me, this is an amazing feature.
Basically, I try on different pieces and then write honest reviews on them. I have to stress that I am not styled. I usually wear black pants and flats with whatever tops I have to try on; black flats with dresses and a black tank with jackets. The goal of this project is not to style outfits. It's to show fit on different bodies and offer honest reviews to help subscribers have a better shopping experience.
I love being able to try new brands and it reminds me to not focus so much on the number on the size tag. It reminds me that I have to try on clothes and know my measurements. Sizing is so inconsistent across the board so this is a great opportunity to let women know if an item is true to size or if you have to size up or down.
The Gwynnie Bee folks are so great and really care about their customer. Working with them has been an amazing experience.
Believe has become my "word"; the word that sums up my life at the moment. It is something I say to myself all the time. If you believe in life, in yourself, in the unknown, in everything... that is the basis of achieving what you set out to do.
I can't wait to see what happens with Gwynnie Bee and I am so excited for what's to come for the remainder of 2016. I hope I will inspire a nation of women who are my size and look like me, to shop better, treat themselves with love and dress their bodies fearlessly. When you feel pretty and love yourself, you will want to dress accordingly. Sounds like a big, crazy dream but I am claiming it and putting it out into the Universe. I just believe.
Click here to read more about the First Fit Review project at Gwynnie Bee.
Images: Gwynnie Bee/Ferny Chung
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