"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do." - Brené Brown

In September 2020, after a photo shoot for Latinx Heritage Month for Lane Bryant, as I looked at my images, I noticed that the lump on my right inner thigh looked larger. 

I was taken aback. For years, I've always been self conscious of that lump and learned to love her slowly because it's a part of my body. Despite not loving that part of me 100% (it's a lifelong process), I tried daily to not let my insecurities seize my life and stop me from wearing what I wanted, even if it was visible. But it was extremely hard to fully let go of those insecurities.

It would peek out when I wore a bathing suit, modeled above the knee styles and wore shorts. But when that lump grew larger, my life changed. 

I spent two years trying to find out why. 

I was in constant pain, had limited mobility, always tired and no appetite. Yet I gained weight and that lump grew larger. 

I switched doctors frequently because I was told to get weight loss surgery and could not get a proper diagnosis or find a doctor who could see past my weight and actually treat me as other patients.

I was reminded how most of the medical community looks first and makes a diagnosis by judgment before they even truly look further to see what's wrong. They believe that being fat is always the problem and losing weight is always the cure. And that's not always the case. I'm proof of that.

My labs showed that I'm anemic with high levels of inflammation in my blood. That's it. I'm not diabetic, cholesterol is fine and I don't have any of the issues these doctors assumed I had because I'm fat. The third primary care physician I saw, sent me to get a venous Doppler ultrasound on my legs to check for blood clots. They didn't find anything. 

It took the vascular specialist a minute to look at my leg and tell me it was lymphedema. And this is when I learned more about this disease that doesn't have a cure and would change my life. I learned more about the lymphatic system and its importance. And realized I had to make some changes in my life.

First things first, I have to wear compression garments for the rest of my life. Second, I have to use a compression pump daily on my legs and feet (60 minutes per leg). Thankfully, these two things will help the size of my leg decrease by moving the lymphatic fluid to up and out of my body + keep my swelling down. Once my leg size decreases, I will go to Decongestive lymphedema therapy (DLT) where I will do exercises, learn how to bandage my legs and other key things I need to learn for self-care.

I don't get hungry often because I am in constant pain + I'm perimenopausal (another thing to deal with at the same time!) so I am now eating 6 small meals versus 3 regular meals. I have to ensure I get some protein and watch my sugar. Processed foods and sugars cause me to have flare-ups where my swelling is so bad and I feel so tired. So I'm exploring a new way of eating (I'm still trying to go gluten-free, ugh) because I have to eat foods that are mostly anti-inflammatory. 

I have to keep myself impeccably clean and while I was a clean freak before, I'm talking 2 showers a day plus constant cleanliness to ensure I don't cause any skin infections, most notably cellulitis. My skin is always dry and I bruise easily. Thank goodness for First Aid Beauty Ultra Repair Cream and Eucerin, who both make amazing fragrance-free lotions/creams that are great for severe dry skin. 

I'm always tired and don't sleep well sometimes. But on a good night, if I can get my 8 hours of sleep, I have a good day ahead of me because sleep helps.

I also have to be mindful when I travel. No more direct flights over 3 hours. I have to make sure I am not sitting for long periods of time. Elevate my legs. Move. But also be mindful of the type of exercise I do.

No more saunas at the spa. I have to avoid extreme heat and cold temperatures. 

BUT. I can't really complain because while there is no cure for lymphedema, I can live. I just need to make some adjustments. However, the mental side of all of this has been hard.

To go from being a person who was free as a bird, traveling the world and being fancy to walking with a rollator and monitoring everything I do with my body, is a mindf**k. I love jeans but my leg has gotten so big that right now I can't wear pants unless it's stretch leggings and yoga pants. Sometimes I don't even know my size because my legs are different sizes while my waist is still the same size it was years ago.

Therapy has been a godsend. My therapist has seen me through the loss of my dad, my brother, niece, my mom and best friend Herman... then my own childhood trauma... and now this.  

My body feels like the enemy. My mind and body are definitely not in sync. However, this diagnosis has also made me appreciate my body more. I know that sounds weird after saying my body feels like the enemy so hear me out.

I spent most of my life so self-conscious of the lump on my right thigh to the point where it dictated what I wore and how I moved through life. And honestly, that is no way to live. We should all give life 100% and just dive in. Show up for yourself and show out. If I have learned anything after losing so many people, it's this... we never know when it's our time and once you spend your time, you cannot get that time back. That's why it's so important to be present and not be so focused on the future. How ironic is that? We spend our present moments, which we have control over, worrying about the future, which we don't have control over. We never know what's going to happen next but we know what is happening right now in this present moment.

For me, I am going to spend my present moments taking care of my health while being around the people who bring me joy and make me laugh. I'm starting to reconnect with people and that makes me happy. I will continue to heal and strengthen my self-love in the body I am in now. I know that my body will change but there's nothing wrong with loving it while you're in transition. When you love your body as it is now, you will want to be good to your body in whatever that means to you. A Before is not a bad thing. To me, life is a state of transition where we are constantly evolving and changing. Nothing is ever final.

I personally don't like to say "Before" and "After". I like to say "Back then", "Now", "What I look forward to" while knowing that my body is beautiful at any stage of my life because it is mine and it has done some incredible things. It's not just a vanity thing. Sure, I want to look cute but my body is not just meant to be looked at and admired. It is also meant to take me on my life's adventure and do things that I thought were impossible. And believe me, size or weight has nothing to do with what adventures I can go on. It is all up to me and the stage of the journey that I'm on.

I will never hold back from living because of a body part. Never. Once my leg gets smaller, I will appreciate that lump because it will never hold me back from living or being cute. I'm living for me and not the world. Let the world stare or say what they will. All the validation I need comes from me. 

The last thing my mom said to me before she passed was "Marcy, you have to take care of yourself. Please." She always felt I took care of others but did not take care of myself in the same way. So, Mom, no worries... I am taking care of myself. I got the memo.  (Gosh, I miss her so much!)

Stay tuned as I will continue to share my lymphedema journey on this blog. It's hard to be transparent but I hope my story will help someone on their journey. I got tired of hiding, to be honest. I never want to feel ashamed or negatively about myself ever again. This is me and I am making it my life's mission to show up for myself always.

My words of wisdom in this very moment: Always be your own advocate, ask questions and stand up for yourself. Fight for yourself. You are worth it.

"I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me. But I can't help it that I'm popular." ~ Gretchen Wieners, Mean Girls

I got invited to cover The Femmy Awards and Gala, taking place at Cipriani 42nd St. This event was sponsored by The Underfashion Club, a non-profit fashion industry group dedicated to "all facets of the intimate apparel industry: foundations, daywear, sleepwear, robes, and loungewear".

As someone who is considered media via my job at PLUS Model Magazine, I will admit I get some amazing opportunities to attend events like the Femmy Awards.

So I decided to put on a red dress (from Catherines) that had been sitting in my closet for the last 6 weeks. I was sick with bronchitis for about 5 weeks so my 2019 actually started on 1/25. Wearing red is always something that gives me some extra uumph, which was needed for this night.

See, this was not a plus size event. The theme of this year's awards and gala was body positivity and plus supermodel Emme was hosting (YES!), BUT this was an event where there would be media and some heavy hitters from the Intimate Apparel industry. Folks from Kohl's, Dillard's and other major brands were in attendance.

They were also having a design contest featuring six Fashion Institute of Technology students studying intimate apparel. For the first time, students’ designs were on exhibit via mannequins from size 7 to size 2X, in keeping with the theme of “Body Positivity.” The three top finalists won $5,000 and an all-expense paid trip to Paris.

Me with the gorgeous Emme

Emme hosting the Femmy Awards 2019

I was basically walking into a huge event, not knowing a soul and possibly being the biggest girl in the room. Of course, in Fearlessly Just Me fashion, I did just that.

People stared and looked but not for the reasons I was used to. It was because I was wearing red in a sea of black and because people wondered who I was. I mean, I'm a gorgeous big girl wearing a body con red dress with short hair. And I'm walking up in there, like I own the place, lol.

The Intimates Apparel industry is a tight-knit community too, I learned later that evening. And they accepted me with open arms, actually intrigued by the plus size industry and how they can bridge that gap between mainstream/straight size and plus sizes.

Words cannot explain how included I felt and it had nothing to do with seeing someone else who looked like me. It had to do with being seen as more than a plus size woman. They saw me as someone who was their equal, someone in the media who came to the table confident, humble, professional and engaging.

My size was actually an asset in this situation as they now had access to someone who was visibly plus, looked fabulous and proved that plus size women can be stylish too and know their stuff. People came up to me, introduced themselves, asked where my dress was from and just wanted to know about ME.

I left that evening with a clutch full of business cards, including a few requests to be interviewed or featured on their website. As I walked out of Cipriani and to my waiting Uber, I skipped and danced a little, with a smile on my face.

I feel like we are now experiencing a shift in the industry where plus sizes are becoming mainstream. If you're a size 20 and under, you have become mainstream as almost all plus size brands and companies who expand on sizing, always offer up to a size 20. Those who offer above a size 24 are considered radical and really pushing boundaries in an industry where many brands think women above a size 20 don't shop or buy stylish clothing.

Why should my size speak for how I should dress? Why should there be an immediate asumption that separates how women view style and fashion according to their size?

As a size 26/28, I should not feel like I am outsized and not accepted by my own community and industry. But I do.

TCF Style Expo 2018 - Size 24+ panel

I just want to be around women who get me. But I also want to be around people who are looking past my size and seeing who I am as a person and what I bring to this industry as I have a seat at the table.

The use of the words "curvy" and "curve" have become the norm. And I feel like women like me have become lost in the shuffle.

I can't shop everywhere I want and while the fashion industry is changing, when I am vocal about my struggles with shopping, women smaller than me try to challenge that by saying they experience the same issue. NO.

I feel like I have to remind them that their situation is totally different than mine. If you're under a size 20, you can shop in mainstream stores like The Gap, NY & Company and countless others. I recognize that smaller women have their own fit issues but they have more options than I do when it comes to fashion.

Most plus size brands stop at a size 3X and 24. So while I get excited when a brand expands their sizing into plus sizes, I can't help but feel a little deflated when I see they are still not carrying my size.

The Femmy Awards taught me some valuable lessons.  It showed me that you don't have to be around people who look like you, to fit in. At the end of the day, I am more than a plus size woman and have much more to offer as a human being.

It also showed me that there are people out there who want to be educated more on the state of plus size fashion and that as a visibly plus size woman who does not have access to all plus size fashion, I have a strong voice that can help with that.

While I may encounter the "You can't sit with us" mentality at times, I want to focus more on where I do sit and use that opportunity to educate, engage and network. Not being able to sit at every table doesn't limit my worth in this world or stop the work I am doing. 

I'm more focused on inpiring the next generation of designers to embrace designing for ALL sizes and not just a range that excludes women who want to dress just like their thinner sisters. 

As I chatted with the six design student finalists from F.I.T., I had hope for the fashion industry in becoming more inclusive. They all spoke so passionately about wanting to design for plus sizes with many of them even offering to create a dress for me! I never thought I'd feel or experience this in my lifetime but I am! 

I'm excited to see what the generation of fashion holds for ALL women, especially those of us that are excluded at times from the plus size range AND the conversation.

You can find my Catherines red dress here and it's on sale for $40, up to size 5X including petites. (I'm wearing a size 3X petite)

You can follow those amazing F.I.T. fashion design students below on Instagram - hit them up if you need some custom lingerie or dresses:

Aura Alvarez: @aurahalvarez
Breanna Childers: @bre_childers
Laurel Yau: @yauleru
Dorshelle Guillaume: @dorshelleguillaume
Jessica Trusio: @jesstrusio
Sierra White: @intimatelysierra

Let's support and educate the next generation of fashion.

"I am recognizing that the voice inside my head is urging me to be myself but never follow someone else." ~ Q-Tip, "Steve Biko (Stir it Up)" 

"You gotta have the mindstate like: 'I'm so great,' and can't nobody do it like you do. Miraculous, phenomenal and ain't nobody in here stopping you." ~ Remy Ma, "Conceited"

"Oh, when I look back now / That summer seemed to last forever / And if I had the choice / Yeah, I'd always wanna be there / Those were the best days of my life." ~ Summer of 69, Bryan Adams

In February, I also launched my second lookbook sponsored by Igigi, featuring bloggers and influencers spanning sizes 14 to 32, including two big and tall males as well as petite and tall women. The Lookbook Project will continue in 2018 because I think it's a great visual way to show diversity in not only bodies but race, gender and style.

My hair became mermaid green in time for my travels to Los Angeles, San Francisco and San Jose in late April/early May, where I did some amazing things like a closet sale at The Plus Bus, a tour of Making It Big's headquarters, attending a book signing for Jessamyn Stanley, attending the Torrid Pool Party, getting fitted for bras at Curvy Couture, speaking for the first time at Curvy Girl Lingerie about fashion above a size 24 and shooting a body diverse fashion campaign for SWAK Designs where I got to channel my inner Super Heroine. 

I also visited designers Melissa Masse and Jill Alexander, who have become dear friends of mine over the years. I finally got to meet celebrity stylist Malia Anderson! And let's not forget, I wore a two-piece bathing suit on the beach for the first time in decades.

At this point, the mermaid hair and I were gearing up for summer, which was all about events and my first Facebook Live with Dia & Co! I was nervous but their followers really loved me and it has motivated me to do more Live sessions in 2018. Full Figured Fashion Week was amazing as usual and in July, I headed to Atlanta to attend the TCF Style Expo for the first time. 

At FFF Week, I met a woman who will forever change my life. Melina Alarcon, the Mexican designer behind Generose, is one of the best people I have ever met. She showed her collection at FFF Week and we connected shortly thereafter where she invited me to go to the TCF Style Expo with her. Since then, that relationship has not only blossomed into a partnership where she is using me as her size 28 fit model but also a friendship. I would not have gone to Altanta if it weren't for her. Everything happens for a reason. Stay tuned to the blog for more on this new partnership of mine and how it is going to evolve in 2018.

After TCF, I celebrated my 47th birthday with an all girls staycation that involved my first trip to a spa and an awesome feminist-geared tour at the MET. At this point, my hair was pink and it mirrored my mood... happy, fun and girly. 

The pink hair and I then had a blast during New York Fashion Week and Curvy Con the following month. My dream of attending the Project Runway finale runway show came true and I loved how I got to see so many of my blogger sisters at Curvy Con.

I went to Torrid's after party, Additionelle's store event where I met Jordyn Woods and I also co-hosted an event with All67 at the Gregory Hotel. NYFW and Curvy Con was a whirlwind that left me so empowered and happy.

During this time, I also shot my first non-fashion campaign with Big Fig Mattress. This was major for me! I also loved that I got to shoot with my blogger brother Kavah King of Gentlemen's Curb, which helped me feel more at ease on set.

The latter part of the year had me visiting Chicago where I spoke in my first breakout session at the Dream Big Curvy Girl Beauty and Fashion Conference. It was the first time I spoke about my mental health and how I built my confidence which enables me to live my best life. Mental health is such a taboo topic to speak about and I feel like it should be talked about more. That's one of my goals moving forward into 2018.

I met so many incredible women in Chicago and I just love that city where I now consider it my second home. I cried A LOT during my time there but it was tears of joy and empathy. Women came up to me, telling me how I inspire them to live their best lives and the crowd's reaction after my session was something I will never forget. As I looked at the line of women waiting to meet me after and seeing all of them in tears and just embracing me in tight hugs, my spirit was so full. I've been asked to speak in 2018 so hope to see you in Chicago!

After Chicago, things started to wind down a little. I did a great collab with 4 other bloggers and influencers over a size 24 where we all wore the same size 28 jeans from Avenue and shared our experiences as the same size but different body shapes and measurements.

I also celebrated along with my blogger sister and dear friend Darlene of Suits, Heels and Curves at her baby shower in early November.  Work at Gwynnie Bee was gearing up for holiday and was keeping me busy. I attended the The Business of Curves event at FIT where I got the courage to ask the panel about fashion over a size 24. 

I also got to hang out with singer/songwriter Mary Lambert where we shopped at the #PlusPop pop-up shop at the Gregory Hotel in early December. Connecting with Alexis of plus BKLYN this year and visiting her store is one of the major highlights of my year. I ended the year with a trip to Mexico City to do some fitting for Generose's Spring 2018 line and finding out that I am a 2018 Lifestyled Honors recipient. So I will see you Atlanta in April!

I'm ending the year with blue/pink ombre hair and a full heart. My spirit is overflowing with humility, gratefulness and love. 2017 was simply amazing and I can't wait to see what 2018 has in store for me, including what hair colors I will do next. Stay tuned and thanks for rocking with me this year!!! Love y'all!

What were the highlights of 2017 for you? What are your goals in 2018? What are you looking forward to? Comment below and let's chat!