"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do." - Brené Brown
In September 2020, after a photo shoot for Latinx Heritage Month for Lane Bryant, as I looked at my images, I noticed that the lump on my right inner thigh looked larger.
I was taken aback. For years, I've always been self conscious of that lump and learned to love her slowly because it's a part of my body. Despite not loving that part of me 100% (it's a lifelong process), I tried daily to not let my insecurities seize my life and stop me from wearing what I wanted, even if it was visible. But it was extremely hard to fully let go of those insecurities.
It would peek out when I wore a bathing suit, modeled above the knee styles and wore shorts. But when that lump grew larger, my life changed.
I spent two years trying to find out why.
I was in constant pain, had limited mobility, always tired and no appetite. Yet I gained weight and that lump grew larger.
I switched doctors frequently because I was told to get weight loss surgery and could not get a proper diagnosis or find a doctor who could see past my weight and actually treat me as other patients.
I was reminded how most of the medical community looks first and makes a diagnosis by judgment before they even truly look further to see what's wrong. They believe that being fat is always the problem and losing weight is always the cure. And that's not always the case. I'm proof of that.
My labs showed that I'm anemic with high levels of inflammation in my blood. That's it. I'm not diabetic, cholesterol is fine and I don't have any of the issues these doctors assumed I had because I'm fat. The third primary care physician I saw, sent me to get a venous Doppler ultrasound on my legs to check for blood clots. They didn't find anything.
It took the vascular specialist a minute to look at my leg and tell me it was lymphedema. And this is when I learned more about this disease that doesn't have a cure and would change my life. I learned more about the lymphatic system and its importance. And realized I had to make some changes in my life.
First things first, I have to wear compression garments for the rest of my life. Second, I have to use a compression pump daily on my legs and feet (60 minutes per leg). Thankfully, these two things will help the size of my leg decrease by moving the lymphatic fluid to up and out of my body + keep my swelling down. Once my leg size decreases, I will go to Decongestive lymphedema therapy (DLT) where I will do exercises, learn how to bandage my legs and other key things I need to learn for self-care.
I don't get hungry often because I am in constant pain + I'm perimenopausal (another thing to deal with at the same time!) so I am now eating 6 small meals versus 3 regular meals. I have to ensure I get some protein and watch my sugar. Processed foods and sugars cause me to have flare-ups where my swelling is so bad and I feel so tired. So I'm exploring a new way of eating (I'm still trying to go gluten-free, ugh) because I have to eat foods that are mostly anti-inflammatory.
I have to keep myself impeccably clean and while I was a clean freak before, I'm talking 2 showers a day plus constant cleanliness to ensure I don't cause any skin infections, most notably cellulitis. My skin is always dry and I bruise easily. Thank goodness for First Aid Beauty Ultra Repair Cream and Eucerin, who both make amazing fragrance-free lotions/creams that are great for severe dry skin.
I'm always tired and don't sleep well sometimes. But on a good night, if I can get my 8 hours of sleep, I have a good day ahead of me because sleep helps.
I also have to be mindful when I travel. No more direct flights over 3 hours. I have to make sure I am not sitting for long periods of time. Elevate my legs. Move. But also be mindful of the type of exercise I do.
No more saunas at the spa. I have to avoid extreme heat and cold temperatures.
BUT. I can't really complain because while there is no cure for lymphedema, I can live. I just need to make some adjustments. However, the mental side of all of this has been hard.
To go from being a person who was free as a bird, traveling the world and being fancy to walking with a rollator and monitoring everything I do with my body, is a mindf**k. I love jeans but my leg has gotten so big that right now I can't wear pants unless it's stretch leggings and yoga pants. Sometimes I don't even know my size because my legs are different sizes while my waist is still the same size it was years ago.
Therapy has been a godsend. My therapist has seen me through the loss of my dad, my brother, niece, my mom and best friend Herman... then my own childhood trauma... and now this.
My body feels like the enemy. My mind and body are definitely not in sync. However, this diagnosis has also made me appreciate my body more. I know that sounds weird after saying my body feels like the enemy so hear me out.
I spent most of my life so self-conscious of the lump on my right thigh to the point where it dictated what I wore and how I moved through life. And honestly, that is no way to live. We should all give life 100% and just dive in. Show up for yourself and show out. If I have learned anything after losing so many people, it's this... we never know when it's our time and once you spend your time, you cannot get that time back. That's why it's so important to be present and not be so focused on the future. How ironic is that? We spend our present moments, which we have control over, worrying about the future, which we don't have control over. We never know what's going to happen next but we know what is happening right now in this present moment.
For me, I am going to spend my present moments taking care of my health while being around the people who bring me joy and make me laugh. I'm starting to reconnect with people and that makes me happy. I will continue to heal and strengthen my self-love in the body I am in now. I know that my body will change but there's nothing wrong with loving it while you're in transition. When you love your body as it is now, you will want to be good to your body in whatever that means to you. A Before is not a bad thing. To me, life is a state of transition where we are constantly evolving and changing. Nothing is ever final.
I personally don't like to say "Before" and "After". I like to say "Back then", "Now", "What I look forward to" while knowing that my body is beautiful at any stage of my life because it is mine and it has done some incredible things. It's not just a vanity thing. Sure, I want to look cute but my body is not just meant to be looked at and admired. It is also meant to take me on my life's adventure and do things that I thought were impossible. And believe me, size or weight has nothing to do with what adventures I can go on. It is all up to me and the stage of the journey that I'm on.
I will never hold back from living because of a body part. Never. Once my leg gets smaller, I will appreciate that lump because it will never hold me back from living or being cute. I'm living for me and not the world. Let the world stare or say what they will. All the validation I need comes from me.
The last thing my mom said to me before she passed was "Marcy, you have to take care of yourself. Please." She always felt I took care of others but did not take care of myself in the same way. So, Mom, no worries... I am taking care of myself. I got the memo. (Gosh, I miss her so much!)
Stay tuned as I will continue to share my lymphedema journey on this blog. It's hard to be transparent but I hope my story will help someone on their journey. I got tired of hiding, to be honest. I never want to feel ashamed or negatively about myself ever again. This is me and I am making it my life's mission to show up for myself always.
My words of wisdom in this very moment: Always be your own advocate, ask questions and stand up for yourself. Fight for yourself. You are worth it.
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