I think the best gift you can give someone in the world (and yourself) are two little words that pack so much power in them:

Thank you.

I think gratitude can go a long way for yourself and others. When you are thankful for what you have in life, you will focus on those things and not dwell on what's missing. You will be more accepting of things beyond your control and not feel frustrated when things don't go your way. You will value those things more because you are thankful for them. You will make others feel good about their presence in your life by letting them know that you are thankful to have them in your life. This will help them to feel better about themselves and recognize that they too have an impact on others by being who they authentically are.

We are all human and want to know we are being appreciated. There's nothing worse than feeling like you are giving your all to a relationship/friendship and not feeling appreciated. By saying "thank you", those two simple words can change a person's day. It can show them that they are appreciated. That's not to say that those two words are the ONLY way to express gratitude and appreciation. But it's a great start.

You would think it would be easy to say those two little words. But many people have a hard time saying them. I think that with those two words, there has to be some sort of surrendering and vulnerability attached. You have to be able to humble yourself, put aside your own ego and give credit to someone else. And that is not easy for some people to do.

Giving credit to someone else does not mean you are devaluing your contribution to the world. It means you're recognizing someone else's contribution to the world. We are all here for a reason. No one person can do it all. We all have our own gifts and purpose in life. And there is nothing wrong with giving notice to someone else's presence in the world and showing gratitude.

I spent the last two days of 2013, thanking some people in my life for what they have brought into it. My heart was telling me to do that and I am learning that it is okay to let your heart rule some decisions when it feels right. I think if we spent more time appreciating the people in our lives, whether they are lifelong friends or just people you interact with on social media who inspire you, to even that person in your neighborhood who always offers you a smile and "Good Morning", we'd feel lighter and the world on a whole would be happier.

As I have blogged before, it is okay to be vulnerable and in life, we all have to surrender at some point and be accepting of things beyond our control. Saying things like "Thank You" and "I'm Sorry" are ways to practice not being afraid to be vulnerable and being more thankful in life.

I think we need more gratitude in the world. It continues to baffle me when people get suspicious or think I have ulterior motives when I say those two words or tell them how awesome I think they are. I believe in speaking life into people. It doesn't mean you're not being honest with them. It just means you're freely expressing how great you think they are. To me, it's another way of expressing gratitude for their presence in my life.

With that said, I want to say THANK YOU to those of you who read this blog on a regular basis and have gone on this journey with me. 2013 was a great year and 2014 will be even better.

If you decide to end your year, saying "Thank You" to someone for their presence in your life in 2013, I would love to hear about it. Trust me, it'll make your heart feel lighter and may inspire that person to continue doing what they're doing since someone noticed enough to say "thank you". Happy New Year, people!

I don't keep unflattering pictures of myself anywhere. I can't help the ones that others take of me and I don't think too much of that. But the ones I do have control over, I delete and keep it moving. I do that because I feel like seeing unflattering pictures of myself is putting myself through some unnecessary negativity. But I have also learned over the years that taking photos of myself made me such a critical person because I scrutinized over every single photo to the point where none of them were perfect. That critical side of me started to spill over into other aspects of my life and it really affected my spirit in a negative way. Then one day, a lightbulb went off over my head and I had an epiphany.

None of those pictures will ever be perfect because... I am not perfect.

And me being this way is no better than someone who takes pictures and photoshops them to the point where the model doesn't even look real anymore. My search for the perfect image was taking away from me loving myself as I am. We have all been brainwashed by society to think that if we don't look like who we see on the magazine covers or if our bodies are not a certain size, that we are not normal and not beautiful.

Does that piss you off? I know it pissed me off for a long time when I was in my 20s and was channeling my inner Chuck D/Joan Jett persona in college. How dare the world tell me that I am not normal or beautiful because I wasn't a size 2 or had pin-straight hair and perfect skin? But then I realized that fighting the world is not the answer. My anger was not healthy and it was taking my attention away from truly taking care of myself because I wanted to rebel from society. Which meant eating whatever I wanted and doing whatever I wanted.

We can't change the world until we change how we feel about ourselves first. We can't expect for the world to accept us unconditionally if we can't fully love ourselves for who we are right in this moment. Once we change our own mindset and be who we are with no excuses and fear, that alone will inspire others to do the same. It's really simple as that but so hard to actually accomplish because undoing years of brainwashing is not easy.

I personally don't buy into what society says is beautiful anymore. After years of working on me and building my self-love, I now know that happiness does not come in a dress size. Happiness comes from within.

I love myself as I am right now. I loved myself 3 years ago at a size 32. And I love myself today just the same at a size 26. I may have gotten smaller but my love for myself remains the same. Life didn't suddenly get amazing because my dress size got smaller. My life has always been amazing, even the ups and the downs. No one's life is perfect so we all have to roll with the punches. Doesn't mean life isn't good overall.

Change your mindset and you will change your life. I'm telling you.

Everything starts with you and accepting who you are in all of your fabulousness. Like I always say, we all have a choice. When we CHOOSE to not accept what society is telling us on how we should look and what is "perfect" and we CHOOSE to instead begin a love affair with ourselves, that is when your life will change.

You will want to take care of you, whether it's getting healthier, dressing your body better...shoot, even cut your hair! ::points at self:: It may sound selfish but you have to put yourself first. But it is not selfish if you put yourself first for the right reasons. How can you be there for others and take care of others if you're not doing that for yourself?

When you take care of yourself physically, you are healing yourself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. We often seek happiness from others when in reality, all we have to do is look within ourselves for that happiness.

I still chuckle about the fact that I have lost weight and didn't even know it. I just decided to give up soda a year ago (my 1-yr anniversary was yesterday) and started eating healthier. I really just wanted to feel better and get healthier. I haven't weighed myself in over a year. But I do take my measurements from time to time when I am ordering from my favorite retailer eShakti. And that's when I noticed I was getting smaller. Then the comments started rolling in. People would see me at events and etc and be shocked at how great I looked.

To me, I have always looked great but of course, there goes that society brainwashing again where people feel that losing weight is the ultimate compliment...but I digress.

Anyway, the biggest lesson in all of this is that I have learned to not seek validation from others. I couldn't care less if someone noticed my weight loss or not. What counts is that I feel good and I'm happy. I'm doing it for me. Not to prove anything to anyone or to seek approval from society. I'm doing it to honor who I am by hopefully extending my life span and making it easier for this body to explore the world. By being good to myself, making myself stronger and healing myself, I am giving myself the gift of happiness no matter what size I end up to be.

This week, I have been heavy in thought. 2013 was a tough year. And I'm tired.

I believe in the following 3 things when it comes to life:

1) Setbacks happen to teach you a lesson, to show you how strong you are and that you can get through anything. They make you appreciate those good things when they do happen.

2) You always have a choice with everything from who you keep in your life to how you let things affect you.

3) If you want things to happen in your life, you have to do your part, get out there and make some moves. If an opportunity is meant for you, it will happen. If it doesn't, keep it moving. It's beyond your control. No use being upset over it. Letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself in life.

So, while this has been a tough year, I am determined to turn things around because everything happens for a reason. It's just not in my DNA to be depressed or down for long. With that said, I sat my butt down and did what I do best... I made a list of things I want to change. And then I wrote notes next to each thing on what I can do to acquire that in my life.

Once it was all down on paper, I realized that I was focusing on too many things at once and that was making me feel overwhelmed. This is where prioritizing comes in. I realized that while I would love to find love and get married and have babies, right now, I can't have that be my #1 focus.

The most important thing to me right now is my career. I have an e-Book I have to finish. I want to build this blog and make it successful. I ultimately want to be a successful published author. But I also recognize that it is not going to happen tomorrow and I need to survive. A wise person once told me that sometimes to get to where you want to get to, you might have to do some things you don't want to. I am freelancing now and love it. I plan to keep doing that but I need more. Money is power and I hate feeling like I am limited in what I can do in this life because of not having enough money. I love to travel and I don't want to have to watch every single penny I spend. I'm thrifty by nature and love to coupon. But sometimes, this money struggle is draining.

I look at a fellow colleague who is a published author working on his third book and during the day, he sells cars. And doing a great job, I might add. So I know he's laughing all the way to the bank with all the commissions he's making. Do you think he wants to be selling cars? Hell no. But he's doing it to make a living while he works on making his main dream come true.

So just like that, I am back on the job market. I don't look forward to cubicle life again but I will admit that I do feel a little excited because my background is extensive to the point where I am confident I will land something good where I am sure I will not be bored. I haven't been in the job market for a few years so things are so different now than they were 5 years ago when I got laid off.

LinkedIn is a valuable resource as well as social media. I read an article the other day where this barber got a job and relocated from the Midwest to NYC simply by using Instagram. Yes, people. You have to get creative now to get noticed and I LOVE IT.

I still plan to freelance and do what I am doing now with the exception of my tutoring business. I will have to give that up but I am okay with that because sometimes, the best thing you can do to further yourself in life is to walk away from something that has served its purpose.

I just made the choice to not wait until New Year's to make things happen. The time is now. I'm doing my part by sending my resumes out, contacting old colleagues to put feelers out there and research what companies are hiring. That's all any of us can do. Someone is not going to knock on my door and offer me a job. Just like a nice single man will not be knocking on my door to ask me out. I wish!

We have to put ourselves out in the world, roll the dice and see where they fall. Life is all about taking chances and having faith that things will work out. That's what being fearless is all about.

I already know what my first "treat" to myself will be when I land a gig. Australia is calling my name. And if I can get my mom on a plane without telling her it's a 23 hour flight, she is going with me. Life is short and my friend M said it best when she said that she works hard so she can travel, buy her favorite high-end beauty products, eat at expensive restaurants and live life to the fullest in the best way possible. Amen, sister.

Photo credit: Andy Cohen/Instagram

So... I still have Sarah Jessica Parker on the brain. There was something else she said during her guest spot on Watch What Happens the other night that has stayed with me and has me heavy in thought. If you have no idea of what I am talking about, pls read my previous blog post titled What Sarah Jessica Parker Has Taught Me About Loving Myself & Being Fearless and then come back. Hurry! ;)

During her guest spot, when she spoke of her hands and how they were one of her favorite parts of her body despite the media saying she has ugly hands, she also mentioned her second favorite part of her body...her feet. Her reason for loving her feet had nothing to do with vanity. She simply said that she loves her feet because they have taken her so many places and have not failed her yet.


This is a woman who is a fashion icon. You would expect her to be one that speaks from a vanity standpoint. But no. Her favorite parts of her body have nothing to do with vanity and more to do with their meaning to her life. She is grateful for those body parts that many people overlook in favor of other body parts that are only admired for their beauty and nothing else. You hear it all the time... someone will say they love their eyes because of their color or shape... or their smile... or their lips, etc. They choose their favorite body parts based on what they feel is attractive and validated by society. That, in turn, causes us to loathe those body parts that are not considered attractive by society. And thus begins this vicious cycle of constantly trying to change ourselves to fit this standard imposed on us by society. Which we know never works as no one is perfect nor is everyone the same. We all can't fit into this cookie cutter body image that we are told we need to be like.

SJP has me really thinking about body image and how a simple mindset change can have you looking at yourself with a new set of eyes. It will have you being thankful for those body parts you don't think twice about.

Think about it. If we truly loved parts of our bodies for reasons that were more about how they enhance our lives in a meaningful way, we'd spend less time worrying about trying to fit in and be like someone else. We'd love ourselves in all of uniqueness and embrace those body parts that may seem "ugly" or "flawed". Those parts may not be beautiful by society's standards but they are more than vanity objects. They bring meaning to our lives, whether it's our eyes for allowing us to see the wonders of the world or our ears for allowing us to be able to listen to our favorite song or hear our child's voice saying "I love you". Or even our feet for taking us places we couldn't imagine we'd ever be.

SJP is on to something here. She may not realize it now but that one guest spot may have changed someone's life by causing them to look at their body differently. It did that for me so who knows who else she inspired? In my opinion, she just became an advocate for positive body image and probably didn't even know it.

This is a perfect example as to why it is so important to share your story. We all have something to say that will mean something to the world. With that said...

I want to know...what are your favorite body parts minus the vanity, the beauty or what society thinks? What body parts are meaningful to you?

I'm going to ponder this one for a bit on my end and write a future post, sharing what my favorite body parts are. I hope I can inspire you to do the same. Let's be thankful for those body parts we don't think twice about.

Last night, I was channel surfing and came upon Watch What Happens: Live on the Bravo channel. Host Andy Cohen had Sarah Jessica Parker as his guest. The one thing that caught my attention was when she talked about how a reporter wrote an article in a magazine about how ugly her hands are and how she should get surgery to correct the problem. Her response to that really threw me. She told Andy that her hands are actually one of her favorite body parts because they represent strength and that there are her mother's hands. She said she was born with these hands so she loves them despite them being "vein-y", which she says they have always been. WOW!

If we all embraced this way of thought, I think the world would overflow in self-love and less criticism. SJP accepts her hands for what they are...they are not perfect but they are hers and she loves them. She sees past the veins and sees the beauty and strength in her hands. She is thankful for those hands because they are her mother's hands.

Her nails are short and unpolished. She was wearing a simple ring but that's it. So her love for her hands is evident since you can see she is not going out of her way to make them look better. She loves them the way that they are. To her, they are perfect because they are her hands.

I have heard so many negative opinions of SJP over the years... How she has a big nose, she is not very pretty, she's too skinny or her jaw is so big. But watching her on this show, this woman could care less what others say about her because she knows what matters is how she feels about herself. When I look at her, I see a woman who is beautiful from the inside and out. Watching her on TV, I feel her positive energy radiating outward. Her laughter is genuine and she seems at ease with who she is. And seeing her, unapologetic about who she is, makes me want to get to that place. I feel like I am halfway there but I am still on my journey.

I have never really been a huge fan but I have to say, I have a newfound respect for SJP. We live in such a critical world. I see it all the time, even on the PLUS Model Magazine blog and Facebook page. People will see an image of a model that they think is not plus size "enough" and will tear her to shreds. Even when we post an outfit, they will go in, saying how that color is ugly or how they would never wear that. Once there was an image of a model wearing lingerie who is battling cancer so she had a wig on (image on right). The comments that were made were terrible. Someone finally spoke up, saying that the model has cancer.

It has been said that when a person is very critical of others, it is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. If someone is truly happy with themselves, they won't care what someone else is wearing or doing.

We each have a part of our body we hate. I know I do. We are our own worst critics. Couple that with the criticisms of others and it's easy to see how many have a negative body image. We can't control what others think but we can control what we think.

For me, I hate my thighs. But after hearing SJP talk about her love for her hands that are deemed unattractive in the media, I am rethinking that thigh hate. If we want to change the world, we have to change how we feel about ourselves first. Loving ourselves truly will make us less critical of others.

And one less person being critical takes us one step closer to changing the world's mindset of always being negative and critical.

Hmmm....food for thought.

As I have mentioned on this blog previously, my dad's death two years ago has had a tremendous impact on my life. Two years may sound like a long time to some but for me, it feels like it happened yesterday. And I don't know when that will change. All I know is that the pain is still there, as deep and severe as it was two years ago.

Everyone grieves differently and some don't know how this grief feels like. Losing a parent is something that cannot be explained. Even if you had a terrible relationship with your parent, when they die, you feel some kind of way because at the end of the day, they are still your parent and responsible for you being in this world. You may feel hate or anger but you still feel the loss.

The one thing I have learned from my grief and how it has intertwined with my life is that showing vulnerability is okay. As a friend and loved one, when you are there for someone in their worst moments when they are stripped bare, showing raw emotion and at their most vulnerable, that is a sign of true friendship and love.

It's tough because you don't know the right thing to say, especially if you have not lost a parent. But honestly, the right thing to say is "I don't know what to say but I will walk with you through this pain. I'm here." And just show up. That's it.

I have lost a few friends in the last two years because they didn't know how to be there for me and didn't want to push aside their own happiness to deal with me in my worst moments. And that's okay because we are all human and flawed. It happens.

But for me, learning how to be vulnerable and show that vulnerability has been such a big thing for me. When you're vulnerable, your heart is open and receptive to receiving the love coming your way. You don't have a wall up. And you are at your most genuine, authentic state. Living fearlessly is all about living with your heart open and not being afraid of the outcome and putting your heart out there.

This works with loss in your life, too. Sometimes grief can be so overwhelming that it makes you angry and lash out at everyone. Been there, done that. Grief can make you resentful of others still having their parents alive or being happy when you feel like you want to scream. But when you push through the anger and allow someone to hold your hand or just sit next to you as you cry, it does something for your soul that I cannot explain. All I know is you feel free.

I am lucky enough to have friends and family who have been there for me. But the most surprising thing came from a friend who I never thought of as vulnerable or someone who does emotions. Yet, the last two New Year's Eves, he sat on the phone with me all night as I sobbed over missing my dad and feeling like as each year ends, I am leaving him behind. And all this friend did was listen and then tell me that my dad is always with me among other comforting things.

And this friend, we will call him B, his parents are still alive so he has no idea of how my grief feels. But he knew the right things to say by just showing up. And he continues to be that one person that I reach out to immediately when I am having a moment. He doesn't tell me how to grieve or say things like "It's been two years. You should be over it already."

This past weekend, I had a moment where I felt that wave of grief hit me and I cried for hours, thinking of my dad and how I miss talking to him. I text B instead of calling him since I knew he was working and I proceeded to pour my heart out in my most vulnerable state, which became 5 text msgs long. This was his reply:

"I wish I had the magic words to make the pain disappear. Just know I'm here if you need me."

And just like that, he made me feel better. Just knowing he was there, even if he couldn't understand my pain, meant the world to me. He called me the next day and didn't mention anything until I did. He respects my grief and doesn't push, which also means so much. Sometimes you know someone loves you not by them telling you but how they treat you when you are in your worst state.

So I am embracing this vulnerability thing because honestly, it has made me deal with my grief better and it has made me see that I am not alone. That in itself is being fearless by dealing with my loss and learning to live with it, one day at a time. The pain will always be there but I am learning to accept that he's gone and that's what counts. Love you Daddy, always and forever. RIP 4/10/11.

That quote from Coco Chanel couldn't be more true. A friend reminded me of that quote a few weeks ago when he asked why I cut all my hair off and said that when a woman cuts all her hair, it's a sign that she is going through a major change in her life. And I have to say, I agree with that wholeheartedly because my recent extreme haircut has changed my life.

I should have blogged about this 4 months ago when it happened but it was around that same time that I started my new job as Blog Editor for PLUS Model Magazine and school was starting so my tutoring sessions were also beginning. But I digress...

I cut my hair off on August 8. I will always remember that date because it was one of the most ballsy moves I have ever made in my life. Right up there with going to Europe by myself and climbing 20 flights of stairs to touch Buddha in Hong Kong.

I had really long hair until about 5 years ago and then I cut my hair into a bob that hung just below my shoulders. I think that was the beginning of my evolution since I got laid off and dumped by my boyfriend a week later. My hair then started to get shorter and shorter in the last 2 years but never shorter than chin length. Then one day, I decided I wanted a pixie cut. I was going through a transitional phase in my life and wanted a change. Plus, I have always heard that big girls can't rock pixie cuts because our faces are too fat. I felt like breaking another rule so I went for it. What the hell...I wear prints and do all sorts of things that people have said I can't do because of my weight. So why not cut my hair? ::insert fearless moment here::

I went into that salon looking like this:


Showed them this image:


Woo-woo-woo! Mannnnnn, I walked out of that salon with my hair the shortest it's ever been and I was ECSTATIC. Had a pep in my step and no one could tell me that I didn't look fabulous. Shoot, they even did my makeup. Shout out to the Carsten Institute in NYC! The girls there are awesome!
This hair has given me a sassy edge that I didn't have before. When I went back for a trim 6 weeks later, the girl went a little scissor-happy and just when I thought my hair couldn't get shorter, I walked out of there looking like Mia Farrow from Rosemary's Baby. But when I rocked that super short haircut at an event in Philly two weeks later, I was looking pretty hot. It really went well with this beautiful Igigi dress I am wearing (you can find that dress here)


Think I stopped there? Nope. Your girl is on a roll here. I went to Canada last month and visited a friend who is a former hairstylist. She colored my hair and gave me a haircut. Best part of it...she put purple sections in my hair.


This hair just gives me life. And I think I am going to keep it for a while. I hate that the pixie cut craze has now taken off since I like to be different and not run with the in crowd. I cut my hair just before Beyonce cut hers and started the trend. I think I look better anyway. And what!

So, Ladies, want to change your life? Cut your hair. Coco knew what she was talking about.

I hate the word DIET.

It holds such negativity and bad memories for me. It has been a word that has been a constant thorn in my side for as long as I can remember.

I went on my first diet when I was 10. I weighed 112 pounds and the doctor told my mom that at my age, I SHOULD weigh 90 pounds. I was a chubby kid. I won't lie. But I was cute and I was happy. I thought nothing was wrong with me. I loved books, had a bubbly personality, loved sparkly things, and laughed a lot.

Then I was told I was overweight and needed to lose weight.

Dieting made me unhappy. I didn't realize it then but it changed my life going forward. As a kid, I could not understand why I could not eat cookies or have a slice of pizza. Instead, I was eating tuna, lettuce and tomatoes with no dressing at all. I lost the weight in record time and was "thin" for a little while. But once I got off the diet and went back to regular life, I gained the weight back and then some.

Thus began my life of yo-yo dieting.

It got a point where about 10 years ago, I stopped dieting altogether. I was in the midst of my third time doing Weight Watchers and as I sat there in a meeting, listening to some woman, crying about how unhappy she was to be fat and how she just HAD to get thin, I had to leave. I spent years hearing the women around me say the same things. How they needed to lose weight for this party or that reunion. How they felt so ugly and huge. And I often wondered why I didn't feel that way.

This is going to sound weird but sometimes I forget my size. I don't walk heavy and honestly, I feel light. I walk with a strut, head up high and keep on moving. Then I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a store window or mirror and I am reminded that I am fat. But fat was never a word that bothered me UNTIL others made that word seem so disgusting and ugly.

So I gave up dieting. I wanted to be happy and I needed to take that added pressure off of me to be a certain size or eat a certain thing. I couldn't do it anymore. I have spent my whole life being overweight and dieting on and off. It was this constant yo-yo that became overwhelming. Being fat never stopped me from living life. I traveled the world. I continue to have a successful career. I have great friends. I never had a problem getting a man. I dress nice and have no problem finding nice plus size clothing. I basically lead a normal life.

That's not to say that I escaped the rudeness that fat people have to endure in this world. People can be critical, judgmental jerks. That much is true. Their words and insults hurt me deeply. But I never let it stop me from living life in the best way I could.

Then a year ago, I started having heart palpitations. Now I have always been healthy to a point. I went to the doctor regularly and the only thing I have battled on and off with is my blood pressure. But I've never had diabetes, cholesterol problems or anything serious like that. So of course, I went to the doctor.

As I blogged last year, I was diagnosed with extremely high blood pressure and it was affecting my heart. The doctor was shocked that I was still walking around because basically, I was a walking time-bomb.

This scared me "healthy". I gave up soda (my 1-yr "anniversary" will be Dec 27th), started eating more vegetables, gave up fried foods and gave up fast food for the most part. I occasionally have a burger or indulge in some Taco Bell once in a while but I am afraid to even look at a Big Mac or step foot into a Five Guys. I read labels now and that keeps my fear going. I talk a lot about being fearless but in this case, I welcome the fear because it keeps me on the right path to be being healthy. It motivates me to keep walking and being active. It keeps my shopping cart empty of bottles of Pepsi and Devil Dogs.

A year and a half later, I feel great. I always thought I had a weak stomach and that's why I was always sick. I now know it was because I was eating the wrong things plus drinking soda. My blood pressure is normal and has been for almost a year now. And added bonus...I'm down 3 sizes. Ironically, I'm still fat. But now I am fat and healthy.

What does that say to those naysayers like Maria Kang aka The Fit Mom who say you can tell someone's health by looking at them and that people who are not physically fit should not love themselves? I wrote a piece about Maria Kang on the PLUS Model Magazine blog and I have to say, it's hard to be objective when it comes to people like that because she reminds me of all the people in my life who have criticized me on my size and didn't take into account that I am a human being.

I believe that loving yourself is the foundation of everything. Self-love makes you want to be the best person you can be, which includes taking care of your body and being healthy. Instead of criticizing women for loving themselves and being proud of the body they are in NOW, she should be talking about low self-esteem issues with young girls, how negatively women are portrayed in the media, yo-yo dieting issues and eating disorders. Let's tackle the real issues here and not attack those women who are one step closer to living a healthy life because they have achieved the hardest step, which is loving and accepting yourself for who you are.

Who you are today does not guaranteed who you will be tomorrow. Loving yourself means wanting to be better. So evolving and growing in life is a natural step in that journey. I love where I am today and I am excited for who I will be tomorrow. And that's what counts. For now, I am fat and healthy and I embrace that.

Dress: Igigi (it's fabulous and my fave at the moment!)

L to R: Dress by Beth Ditto for Evans UK; Bird Print Dress From eShakti; Lace Dress from Dots, Bow Belt from Torrid & Leopard Print leggings from Simply Be

Me wearing my animal print dress (gasps!) from Addition Elle at FFF Week 2012

I don’t know who wrote this mythical rule book of what a big girl can’t wear but I’d like to find that person, buy them a cup of coffee and explain to them how their rules are the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. That's why I call it mythical... all those rules are MYTHS. And as I school this person on fashion, I would be sitting there, rocking the most FABULOUS polka dot dress with shoes to match.

We live in a society that continues to restrict us and police us on what we should and shouldn’t wear. And this has made the world a very critical place. So I know it takes a lot of courage to remain true to your style and walk out into a world where you will surely be stared at, talked about and criticized. Believe me, I know this all too well. You learn to develop an armor against these things because you have to ask yourself, what’s more important, your happiness or theirs? Shoot, I like being happy so I’m going to wear all sorts of prints until the day I die. To me, being true to yourself is the epitome of what being fearless is all about. And this includes expressing yourself through fashion and individual style.

Me at 6 yrs old, showing my fierceness

My print fascination began as a child. I was born in the 70’s so I blame and thank my mother for my print obsession. I grew up during a time where bell bottoms were in style and no color or print was off limits. As you can see, I rocked with what I was given and that, my friends, is the beginning of me as a fashionista owning my own style with attitude and confidence.

As I got older, my love for prints and bold colors grew, despite being told that I had to wear black to look thinner and that prints made me look fatter. That confused me as I thought I looked fabulous.

Over the years, my love for prints remained. Even when a friend told me I looked like a whale (she is no longer a friend) or recently, when a close friend told me that I made a mistake wearing that polka dot dress because it made me look pregnant. Some people mean well but I honestly think if they heard themselves in a playback, they would be mortified. See, this is the critical world we live in. Everyone has an opinion and will give it at a moment’s notice. But it is our choice to listen and let it affect our style. We always have a choice, people. I choose to continue to rock my prints with a wide smile on my face and head up high. I believe I am fabulous and know it. Once you believe in your fabulousness, no one else’s words can break through that armor.

Here's that dress I supposedly look pregnant in (from Simply Be)... NOT. Side note: I love that we are all wearing prints!

So, to that person who wrote that rule book, let me tell you something. When it comes to fashion, rules are made to be broken. Because fashion is subjective. Fashion is who you are and what you love to wear. Fashion is not something that can be defined with rules and kept in a box. Fashion is you. What we should be talking about is how to choose items that emphasize your style and make you feel good. You know when you put something on, if it's right or not.

I know that many of us don't wear certain things out of fear. But once you conquer that fear by choosing to take small steps and introducing each item at a time into your wardrobe, you will build that confidence that will inspire you to continue on your fashion journey.

Just because you're rocking a big body does not mean you can't love aspects of it to the point of wanting to show it off. I love that I have an hourglass figure. I love my waist, my hips, my booty, all of that. I will admit that I am not a fan of my upper arms but I am working through that by wearing shorter sleeves and going shorter with baby steps.

From L to R: Leopard dress from Torrid, Sweater from Lane Bryant; Floral dress from Old Navy; Eyelash print top from ASOS; Bird Print dress from Simply Be

What counts is that you try. No one will adore and love your body more than you will. And that is the key to unleashing that inner fashionista and being true to your style. Whether it's prints, bold colors or even MC Hammer pants, do you. If it feels right and you love it, go for it!

Affatshionista:  SWAK Red Cherry Dress Size 5X Review
Fatshion Peepshow:  Push The Little Daisies... Fat Girl Flower Power
The Valerie Gallery:  Perfect Prints, Right?
Color me Fatt:  Fat Girls Can
The Fat Girl:  Black, White and Red All Over
It’s Melicious:  Falltivest
Plump Up the Frock:  Prints? Absolutely.
Lis Finds Bliss:  Prints En Kimono
Harper Valley Vlog:  Big Gals Can Wear Prints

Banner: Elizabeth Tamny

I'm back! I took a little hiatus from the blog because between Father's Day (which is always a tough day), Full Figured Fashion Week and the end of the school year, things got pretty hectic! Since then, I have been reflecting on many things in my life and am excited for what's to come. One thing that has been on my mind is love and the many facets of it. Let's talk romantic love first...

I've been single for almost a year. When I say that, I mean, no dating, nothing. After my last relationship, I decided I needed a time out. I needed to reflect on why I was choosing the same kind of man and ending up with the same result.

The last guy I dated was a good guy. But I think we rushed things and we ended up in different places. I wanted certain things and it seemed like he wanted the same things. But sometimes while two people may want the same things, if they are not compatible in other ways, it just won't work.

During my time out, I realized that:

1) I wasn't ready for love to come into my life because I had some issues within myself that I needed to work on. And...

2) I have never been in love.

Yes, you read that right.

In looking back on my past relationships in my life, I realized that every relationship was rushed and forced. I never gave love time to grow. I think many of us are guilty of rushing things because we want love so bad. But I have since learned that love needs to be built. If there isn't a strong foundation, love won't survive. You have to take your time and get to know someone. And not ignore the red flags. A person can put on their best face to give off a great first impression but sooner or later, shades of their real selves will appear.

One of the best lessons I have learned in my life is that time is valuable. So for me to jump into a relationship out the gate and rush things is only going to waste my time in the end if it doesn't work out because I would have invested years in someone that I wasn't meant to be with. And that's not to say that couples who meet and immediately hit off don't have a chance. But what I am saying is go in with your eyes open and really see this person for who they are and not who you want them to be.

So I did the online dating thing years ago and it didn't work for me. I kind of dismissed it as online dating sucked. But I have heard about and seen so many positive relationships that have come out of online dating ads that I was forced to really ponder this one. I also asked my male friends about their opinions, too. Ladies, having male friends is a plus. Most men think differently than what we think is on their minds.

We all want to give a great first impression but why are we trying so hard when we should just be. We know we're a catch. We know we're good people. The more you scream to the world that you are a good woman, the more the world won't believe you. The proof is in the pudding. Be that good woman at all times. Show who you are instead of telling someone who you are.

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him… We need not wait to see what others do.” ~ Gandhi

I am so feeling this quote from Gandhi today. I am a big believer of daily positive affirmations. I believe that it is so important to watch what you say to yourself because that affects your outlook on life and on who you are. I believe that when we speak, we claim things. So when we speak negatively, we are putting that out into the universe and setting ourselves up for something negative. I don't know about you but I personally don't need any unnecessary negativity in my life.

With that said, I have slacked off a bit on the daily affirmations and I have fallen into somewhat of a rut. Sometimes we forget to speak positively because something happens that gets our emotions all out of whack. I'm such a sensitive person and I take things too much to heart. And frankly, that sucks. I act tough and all of that but people just don't know how deeply they hurt me. I am working on getting better with that because I now know that sometimes people act a certain way for reasons that have nothing to do with me. It's no excuse but it's enlightening when you know the reason behind someone's actions. It helps you to understand the "why". And it helps you to accept the way things are and move past them.

Sometimes I laugh at myself because while I am on this journey to self-awareness and acceptance, I feel like I am becoming one of Buddha's messengers and the thought of me with a bald head, in a long sweeping robe, with beads in my hand is kind of funny. But seriously, this zen way of living is one that I am trying to embrace. Honestly, life is complicated because we make it complicated. Because things are not going the way we want them to so we get frustrated. It's as simple as that. Acceptance is coming easier to me now but it is still not the easiest thing to embrace.

Anyway, I'm back on my daily affirmations because I need them in my life. I need those reminders to get my spirit going and maintain my zen way of living (to a certain extent, lol). At the end of the day, I have control over me and how I live my days. So it's my choice on how to proceed. We always a choice.

So my affirmation for today is:

I am beautiful. I am smart. I am a good person with a good heart. I can do anything I set my mind to. I am going to be happy every day of my life. I will embrace acceptance and have no regrets. I will live my life with hope and faith. I will never give up.

What's your affirmation today? What do you want to tell yourself today? That's what affirmations are about. You talking to yourself and declaring how awesome you are. Happy Sunday!

I haven't blogged in about almost 3 months and I have missed it! So many great things have happened and my life has been a whirlwind. 

On my road to fearless moments, the one thing I have learned is that if you don't admit something, you can't be accountable for it. Not being accountable is the same as not working on the problem. When you own something, you can then work on making it better. With that said, I have something to admit to the world.

I am not fluent in Spanish.

There, I said it. And I feel so much better having said it out loud.

I am Puerto-rican. And I have spent my whole life being told the following things:

- Since I was not born in Puerto Rico, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I was born in New York so I am what is referred to as a Nuyorican. And believe me, that title comes with the side-eye, lip smack, dirty look, and whatever else can show the distaste towards someone who was not born in their homeland.

- Since I was born with white skin and cannot tan for the life of me, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I look like a white girl and since I was a book nerd and a smart kid, I acted like a white girl, too (insert my own side-eye here). I was told that no one would be able to tell I was Latina because my skin was too white. Add to that, that I have freckles and was born with blonde hair (that got darker as I got older). I was known as the "blanquita" of the family. In other words, THE WHITE GIRL.

- Since I do not solely listen to salsa and merengue music nor do I like foods like pollo guisado / carne guisada (spanish style chicken or beef stew), bacalao (boiled codfish), pulpo (octopus) and wasn't a big rice and beans eater, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I was a picky eater when I was a kid and still am, somewhat. I have grown to embrace rice and beans but still, I can't eat it everyday.

- Since I am not fluent in Spanish or speak it regularly, I am not a "real" Puerto Rican. I can't roll my R's nor do I have that accent where I sound like I am speaking Spanish perfectly as if it were my native language. This is the one thing that bothers me the most because I get criticized the most when I attempt to learn and speak Spanish. This has made me loathe the very language that is my heritage. It has made me not want to speak it at all and become angry with those who live in this country and don't speak a word of English. I spent many years holding that anger within. It was me deflecting my own pain of being judged on my Spanish speaking ability.

For most of my life, I will admit that I have pretended to be fluent and gotten by. It's incredible. I know. I speak Spanglish, which is speaking a little Spanish infused with lots of English. So it appears as if you know what you're talking about when you honestly don't. I have mastered the art of nodding my head and acting like I know what someone is saying to me when they speak Spanish to me. Most of the time, I can figure it out if I know what the main words mean in English. Thank goodness I am smart enough to do that because it saved me on many occasions. I once took a customer service job that required me to speak Spanish. I don't know how I did it for two years but I did. I spoke the basics and had my cheat cards. 

It has taken me years to overcome this identity crisis I have. We are all classified by race and ethnicity. And when you don't look like what you are classified to be, it can really mess with your head. You begin to question where you fit in. And I think that attributed to me wanting to fit in somewhere, anywhere. 

In college, I became obsessed with Malcolm X, Public Enemy and protesting life's issues. The African group at school accepted me with open arms, white skin and all. I wore conch shells in my hair, big hoop earrings and lots of gold bangles on my arm with fists on them. I never felt so free in my life. But when I looked in the mirror, I saw my white skin and was reminded that no matter how hard I pretended, I didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere. 

White people knew I was not one of them. And Latinos didn't want me because I was too white. Blacks embraced me because while I had white skin, when I opened my mouth, they would say "I sounded like a black girl." Whatever that means. In other words, in their circles, I could pass. They would just overlook my skin because I had credibility in their eyes since I grew up in the projects aka THE HOOD. I was used to hearing that often from my black friends. I listened to rap and hip hop and didn't embrace my Latino culture as I was expected to, mainly out of rebellion. How dare you tell me how I should be in order to get my Latina card?

On my dad's side of my family, I have black relatives so even though, my blackness was a small percentage, I embraced that fiercely and still do. Because I have always felt at ease in those circles. I never felt judged at all. I was accepted and loved for who I was.

The problem was within me. I am not 100%. But I am getting there. My first trip out to Puerto Rico was back in 1998. And it was one of the best trips ever. As my parents and I were leaving the airport, I inhaled deeply and looked at the sky. This overwhelming feeling came over me. I felt like I was home. And no one can ever take that away from me. 

I spent many years giving others the power over me and letting them put me in a space where I created this identity crisis that I held onto for so long. It was all on me. Now I know, I have a choice. This is me. And if you can't accept me for who I am, white skin, freckles, English speaking and all, then I don't need you in my life. Everyone has their own opinions on who someone should be. But that is an opinion and not a fact. As I drove through the island so many years ago, I saw many shades of colors. Some even looked like me! When I started to read up on Puerto Rican history, I learned that Puerto Ricans are a mixture of Spaniard, Taino Indian and African. So we're mixed, too. I don't understand why some old-school Puerto Ricans refuse to acknowledge that there is no one cookie cutter look for a Puerto Rican because of who we are ethnically. 

The Spanish thing...I know now that it is all about fear. I am scared of sounding like a hot mess. Not pronouncing things right or conjugating my verbs wrong. But then I remember something that Anthony Bourdain once said about learning to speak different languages. He said something to the effect of, you have to not be afraid of sounding like an idiot and making a fool out of yourself because you will, when you start learning a new language. But in time, you will get it. On that note, let me put this Rosetta Stone CD in and get to work. 

Que tengas un gran dia! Did I get that right? lol

Part of being fearless is having the courage to not give up while struggling through something. To me, giving up is the same as taking the cowardly way out because you're scared of what's to come and if you fail. But honestly, you won't know the outcome of your struggle until you try.

One of the best things my dad ever told me was that “it’s okay to fail.” Failing to him was not a negative thing at all. At least, you tried and did not quit. He believed that you're already a winner, as long as you tried your best and didn't give up. He always told me that too many people view a failure as a negative thing when actually, it's a blessing because it allows you to learn a lesson that you might not have learned had you done everything right. How you choose to look at things is such an important factor when you're struggling and trying to emerge victorious from that struggle. A victory may not always be what we envision it to be. What I have learned in my life is that the true victory is seeing something through and not giving up. And that is just another part of the adventures in your life.  I have learned that I can't control the outcome at the end but I can control if I want to keep going towards my goal despite the hardships that come along with it. I can also control how I want to keep going and what to do next. We always have a choice.

If you fail and try again and again, I promise you that you will win more than you fail. It's like when you first learn to play chess and play against a better opponent, who knows the game perfectly. You will lose at first but as you lose, you learn. You learn what mistakes you have made and as you keep trying, you become stronger and wiser to the game until you win. You win because you make better choices based on what you have learned from your previous losses.

I'm going through this phase in my life now where I am more self-aware and more bolder in the choices I am making in my life. I am tuning out the voices from outside and listening to my mind, heart and gut. There are a few goals I have for myself that people are telling me are impossible. But I refuse to let that stop me from doing what I want to do in life. As long as I am not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal, I'm good. I truly believe nothing is impossible in this life, if you want it badly enough. Nothing great is ever easily acquired. You have to believe you are strong enough to get through the hurdles within that struggle to get to that goal.

I have made the choice to be happy, even if it means making some others around me unhappy. Not everyone will understand my choices in life but if they are really in my corner, they will accept them and be happy for me. At the end of the day, YOU have to do what makes you happy. You are the owner of your life. And you get to chose how you live that life.

The main reason for this blog is for me to tell my story in hopes that I can inspire just one person in my lifetime to live a life full of fearless moments, lots of Snoopy dancing, laughing and that flutter you feel in the pit in your stomach when you do something adventurous. Because that is what I strive for on a daily basis and I think that's what we all should strive for on a daily basis. Life is short. Adventures and fearless moments are subjective. Your adventure or moment is not the same as mine. What counts is that it makes you happy. Everyone should strive to do things in their lives that make them happy. No apologies needed.

Audrey really knew what she was talking about. :)

This weekend was my niece's 11th birthday. No matter what, we as a family, always put something together. It can be something small as cutting a cake and playing Just Dance 4 on the Wii or something big like going out to an amusement park or having a large party. I have three nieces and two of them have birthdays two weeks apart so at this point, we do small scale.

The most important thing to us is that we celebrate their day. And the girls are happy to just see decorations, cake and the gifts. They see the gifts and they don't even care who else is there. My youngest niece doesn't even care what the gifts are, to be honest. She just likes unwrapping the gifts and being the center of attention. It reminds me of how my brother and I grew up. Our parents always made a point to make birthdays extra special. To them, a birthday is a celebration of you and what you bring to this world. Now, I want to point out that I think you should celebrate yourself daily but your birthday is that day you celebrate the most. It's your own personal holiday.

It really saddens me when I ask someone what they are doing for their birthday and they reply, "Oh, nothing. It's just another day." To me, that's like saying you are just another person. That you're not special and worthy of celebration. We are all worthy of celebration. And I think we should never take our lives for granted and lose sight of who we are and what we bring to this world.  If you can't regard yourself as special and worthy of celebrating, how can you expect others to? How can you expect others to see your greatness?

As I watched my niece blow out her candles, it made me so happy for the future when I will get to do the same with my own children. I will never forget the look on her face when she walked through the door and saw the decorations. This family tradition of celebrating birthdays is something I hope will be passed on for many generations to come. As we become adults, many of us get so caught up in the everyday stuff that we forget to celebrate ourselves and be thankful for the life we have.

It has taken me a week to write this and I hope my dad can forgive me for that. I was just not in a space to write about it...Him. Last week on April 10, it was the 2-yr anniversary of his death.

They say the first year is the toughest. But in my case, the second year was harder than the first. I'll be honest. The first year was a blur. I don't even remember a lot of it. And I did so much in Year 1. I was numb and just going through the motions.

I just could not accept that he was gone. And it's hard to be vulnerable to people when you feel they don't understand. I learned a lot about myself that year. I have no regrets because I think I needed those moments. And while I am not asking for a pass, I have to say, if you have never experienced grief on that level then you don't know or can comprehend how one will act in that type of situation. The anger, the numbness, the pain, the sadness. I never knew it was possible to feel numb but also feel so many emotions in conjunction with that.

At the end of the day, you have to respect someone's grief journey and remember that it is not personal or about you at all. It's hard. But I am lucky enough to have friends in my circle, who have hung in there every step of the way and are forgiving of me.

Year 2 was when I started to accept he was gone. I stopped dialing his number. I stopped thinking that he was just on another job and I would see him when he got back. And while I have not stopped having conversations with him daily, I don't let it consume me like it once did. I am able to leave the house, go on adventures and feel like my old self again. Not 100% but I am a work in progress. I am still dealing with a lot of guilt I carry and I am working on forgiving myself and letting go. Because I don't want to carry unnecessary baggage that will weigh me down in life.

When he was alive, I took him for granted. I thought that he was who he was because he had to be. This is going to sound ridiculous from a rational point of view but bear with me here. I thought growing up that he was my father, so of course, he had to be there for me all the time and be my hero and save me when needed. He had to teach me about life, take me fishing, teach me how to use power tools, take me to baseball games and teach me how to ride a bike. He had to love me no matter what.

But now with him gone, I get it. Who he was was someone that was amazing. He was someone who was an extraordinary father, mentor and friend. I realized that what I took for granted is something that some people never experience. What I thought was the norm, others regarded as me being lucky and blessed to have a father like I did.

It is a shame that I didn't get it until he was gone. But because he is gone, I can celebrate him daily. I can share my stories of him and the great man he was. I can tell the world of the greatest adventure I have ever been on. That adventure is my time with my dad. 41 years of fun, knowledge, amazing times, and love. Unconditional love. My dad was the one person in my life who saw me for who I was and who I could be. He saw my potential before I did. He never saw my weight, my anxiety issues, or any of my other flaws as negative things. He saw them as shields of honor and strength. And I carry that with me everyday.

All of our conversations would usually include me telling him of my doubt at something I was working on or pursuing and he would always say with no hesitation, "Marce, you can do it. I know you can. You can do anything you set your mind to. It's a given." My father thought I was brilliant, smart, capable, strong and beautiful. And I thank him daily for instilling these positive labels on me. I am today who he created, guided and inspired.

He was my rock and always there to "talk me off the ledge" when I was freaking out or second-guessing myself on something. I can be my own worst critic at times and am hard on myself to be the best I can be. My dad would always remind me to just be. Those two simple words are so powerful. Just be. He believed that if we were all true to ourselves, we wouldn't waste time second-guessing ourselves and having self-doubt. He used to tell me all the time to be proud of who I was, flaws and all. Because I was destined for greatness regardless. No one is perfect but if you can just be, everything will be alright.

So, Daddy, while I miss you more than words can say and long to hear your laugh and hug you, I know that you are always with me. You're in the air I breathe, every step I take on my journey, the sky I see, and every place I go. Most importantly, you are in my heart. And that is forever. I am your only daughter and so proud of that fact. Love you infinity.

I used to spend a lot of time mourning old friendships because it was hard to let go. You remember the good times and then wonder what happened. Sometimes the closure and answers we seek don't come as we think they will. Sometimes we have to accept that the season is over and let go. Letting go in itself is closure.

We can't control others so if someone does not want to be our friend, there is nothing we can do about it. We can try to reach out but if every attempt is dismissed, that person is giving you their answer. That person is showing you that they don't want to be your friend anymore.

The more time you spend mourning old friendships, the less you spend focusing on your current ones.

Remember, nothing in life happens by chance. People come into your life for a reason. Either they were meant to help you in some way or vice versa. But once the season is over, it's over. And you are doing a disservice to yourself by choosing to stay in the past.

Time is invaluable. Once you lose it, you can't get it back. So do you choose to stay in the past and be miserable, mourning an old friendship OR will you choose to live in the NOW, appreciate the people in your life NOW and be happy NOW?

There is always a lesson to be learned from everything. The lessons I learn when friendships end are...

1) How not to be as a friend to others.

2) Letting go of things beyond my control.

My dad used to always tell me that you can learn a lot from watching others. I have had friends walk away from me because of men, money, difference of opinion, and even because I don't drive! And these people showed me how to never treat someone else. So I thank them for that lesson. I never want to be that person who will abandon a friend over something as trivial as money or even a man. You can be in love with a man but if it doesn't work out, who will you call to cry over it? YOUR FRIEND.

Life is meant to be lived well. It is meant to be full of happiness and adventure. Sure, we will have our moments but those bad moments should not rule our lives. It's all about embracing the present, being accepting of things beyond our control and just moving forward. That's what being fearless and bold is all about.