On this crazy, adventurous, fearless road of fashion I am on, I am discovering all sorts of new things about myself. I'd like to think I am open-minded when it comes to fashion but I have realized that old habits die hard. We don't realize it when we are younger but the rules we are told as we are growing up become ingrained in our minds to the point where I personally feel like I was unintentionally brainwashed.

My mom is pretty out there when it comes to her style and I LOVE it. She still wears a red lip at 66, stays dripped in gold jewelry and loves her animal print. But she is obsessed with black because of that old fashion rule that black makes you look slimmer. Now that is true but I don't want to be stuck in a "black" rut because I am a big girl.

I have learned that you can look slimmer in other colors. Colors are not what make you look larger than you are. I personally think it's the fit of your clothes, down to the length and silhouettes you choose that affects your "look". But you have to choose what you feel comfortable in. Some girls don't mind showing their lumps and rolls and I say to that YOU GO GIRL. At the end of the day, I want to wear what I want to wear and not feel like I have to wear a certain color simply because it slims me. I don't want to be limited in fashion and no one should be.

But for some reason, I still shied away from color. Which is weird considering my love for prints. Anyway, I took a chance and ordered this blue dress from eShakti, a retailer I love because not only do they offer sizes 0 - 36W but they also offer a custom option, which I almost always go for. My bust is about 10 inches smaller than my hips, I have large upper arms, a belly and a small waist that's about 5 inches smaller than my bust so being able to customize a garment is a dream come true. You can even customize the length, the sleeves and remove the pockets. Yes, their dresses have pockets!

I call myself a freak of nature because my measurements are wacky. I also have large calves but smaller ankles and small hands but large wrists. It's strange but I digress...

I received the dress and initially thought it would not look good on me at all because of the color. But once I put it on, I fell in love with it. And after seeing my pictures of me wearing it, I fell in love even more. Blue turned out to be my color, after all...


I also found another blogger who wrote about this dress and I loved her take on it. She wore her dress with bright pink shoes! LOVE! You can see that here.

Side note: I also think my red hair with blond highlights goes well with the blue. It always amazes me how different hair colors also play a part in what colors look best on me. I change up my hair color often so for me, it's a fun way to experiment with wearing different colors and it pushes me out of my fashion box when it comes to trying new pieces. It keeps me out of that fashion "black" hole.

This dress is a keeper and I am still amazed at the fact that I thought blue wasn't "my" color.

As someone who is in the plus size fashion industry, I have to admit that it has been a challenge to truly be myself fashion-wise. I say this, because this industry can be intimidating if you are not ready for it and it's so easy to feel inadequate and compare yourself to other bloggers and people in the industry. You have to have a thick skin and be confident in what you do. Not many will admit this but I have no problem going there because like I have said many times, my main focus is always to keep it real with myself and others.

Blazer: Lane Bryant, Top: Evans Jeans: Avenue, Shoes: Payless

I'm surrounded by beautiful models, a boss who always looks glam even on an off day, stylists and plus size fashion bloggers who walk to the corner store, looking like they are going to a Vogue cover shoot.

Now with my job (Blog Editor for The PLUS Model Magazine blog), I am mostly behind the scenes and rarely seen. I'm a writer and most times, writers are people who create wonderful stories and are mostly known by their name being shown as the author of an article or piece and a small avatar where only your head is shown. And sometimes, that's not a bad thing, lol.

But when I am seen at events, I tend to freak out because I just don't know what to wear. And that throws me off because I feel like I can't wear what I want to wear because my style is not considered on the level of a "fashionista".

Most in the industry have a stereotypical view on what a fashionista is and there are many who fit this image so this stereotype is accepted with no question. And let's not get started on the fact that bloggers that are above a size 24 are a minority and rarely seen in major campaigns in magazines, retailer websites and etc. So here I am, a size 26 and I don't walk around looking flawless, wearing crop tops and mini skirts, carrying a Chanel bag and having someone professionally take my pictures daily. I don't have a personal hairstylist or makeup artist either.

Dress: Torrid, Cardi: Lane Bryant, Boots: OneStopPlus, Leggings: Eloquii, Bag: Evans

This has made me ask myself out loud many times...what about the rest of us? Those of us every day women who are living normal lives, on our hustle mode daily and don't have the income to even look at a Chanel bag because we have bills to pay and others to take care of. Those of us with 9-5 jobs, who grind daily. Those of us whose style does not match the imposed idea of what a "fashionista" should look like.

I happen to love sneakers, especially high tops. retro ones, girly ones and printed ones. I'm not a heels girl at all. I love to wear jeans when I can find a pair that actually fits. I love graphic tees, cardigans, leopard print, boots, moto jackets...hell, any jacket. I just love jackets. I love statement coats (when I can find them in my size). I love exposed zippers, crazy prints, long tunics and crossbody bags. I hate feeling uncomfortable and bulky. I'm a traveler and like to be able to glide around the world without too much baggage. I don't like wearing necklaces too much but I love Betsey Johnson earrings, pearls, hoop earrings and silver bangle bracelets. I love dresses especially print ones. I love to dress up sometimes and be very girly but prefer to be dressed casually with an edge on a daily basis. And I don't see anyone my size that dresses like me out there in the industry. I used to think that was a bad thing but now, not so much.

Maxi dress: Ashley Stewart

I have learned that it's okay to be different. It's great to look to others for inspiration but you have to stay true to yourself in everything, not just fashion. Because I have learned that people can see when you're uncomfortable, not feeling 100% confident, feeling inadequate or trying to be something you're not. You may think you conceal it well but honestly, it always shows. Body language says a lot about a person. And life is too short to not feel comfortable in your own skin and wear what you love.

I don't aspire to fit someone else's idea of what a fashionista is. I aspire to break the rules and be me, which means being my own version of a fashionista. I believe we all are fashionistas in our own right - if you know your style and live it/breathe it, you are a fashionista. Fashion is about expressing yourself with your style. It's about making a statement about who you are with what you wear. It's another way for us to have our voices heard.

Dress, Leggings & Blazer: Fashion to Figure

As a plus size woman, every time I step out of the house, I am an activist. By living in a body that society tells me is unhealthy, ugly and disgusting, and daring to go outside and live my every day life, I am giving society the middle finger. Add dressing nice to that or wanting to be fashionable and wear what you want to wear, and you truly become a walking billboard for body acceptance. Whenever a plus size woman does something that goes against what stereotypes have been set by society, we are being activists. It's not just fashion. It's being active, eating healthy, traveling...shit, having fun. Some people think that if you're fat, you're miserable. How could you possibly be happy in a big body? Trust, you can. I didn't choose to be an activist but honestly, I'm all for breaking rules and proving to the world that I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm all for the Big Girl Revolution and fully support it.

My days of feeling inadequate are over. I used to feel some kind of way of always being overlooked in this industry because of my size and my style. But, a dear friend said to me once, "You're here because you're meant to be here." And I tell myself that every time I walk into a room or an event. Not everyone will like me and believe me, the blogger world can be clique-ish but I don't need to be a part of a clique nor do I need to try hard to be accepted. I'm here because I am meant to be here.

I may not get chosen to be in a campaign alongside other bloggers, I may not get invited to every event and I may not be as visible as others in this industry. It is what it is. But what counts is that I am comfortable with who I am and am embracing my style, despite being told by the masses that my style is not fashionable. No one's opinion matters except for my own.

And I have learned that even when you think no one notices you, someone is always watching. :-)

"Thick Chick" necklace: Candy Strike (one of the few necklaces I love), Jacket and dress: OneStopPlus

I swear, 2014 has been the year of the EX. 

In my experience, exes have always come back. I call it the "remix" because 5 times out of 10, I usually welcome him back. But not always in the way he would like to be back. I know women say they cut off a man completely once it's over. I get it. I have a few exes that I hope I never see ever again and if I do, I'm crossing the street QUICK and hiding my face behind my purse, headphones on blast.

But it depends on the situation. I have some exes where I "used" to think the breakup wasn't bad enough for a cut-off. But after this year, I have come to realize that I was discounting myself by letting those men back into my life. When you know your worth and keep it real with yourself, the honest truth may hurt but shit, it will help you to make yourself a better person. And that's all most of us want, right?

I know to some, summer ended with Labor Day but in NYC, we were in the 90s last week so for me, the summer ended today with the start of cooler, more fall-like weather.

Fall is my favorite season with Spring a close second. I think they are my faves, not only because of the perfect balance of weather (not too cold, not too hot), but because they represent change and renewal. Fall is about change and Spring is about renewal. I love seeing the leaves change color and the weather getting cooler where I can bust out my jackets. Yes, I am a self-confessed jacket whore. I love how a jacket can transform an outfit. But I digress.

This summer was tough but it was a time of rediscovery for me. I lost my brother Danny just before the summer started and honestly, that loss was pivotal for me. Whereas my dad's death three years ago taught me the lesson of not wasting time and taking life for granted, my brother's death taught me the lesson of letting go. Tears are falling as I write this and that can't be helped. His death is still painful for me but I take it one day at a time.

As a matter of fact, I love prints in general. If you peeked in my closet, you'd see an array of prints and a handful of solid color pieces, which are usually vibrant colors. I have loved prints since I was a kid. It's just something about the patterns and colors meshed together. I always look at a printed piece of clothing as a work of art and a way to be fearless in fashion. Prints are something that almost every woman has struggled to wear because of what we think will happen once we walk out the door. It's not just a "big girl" thing. My thinner sisters have felt it, too. People can be critical and cruel with their words, while thinking they are offering sound advice. And sometimes we do care what others think, when really we shouldn't.

Some people believe prints are unflattering and "ugly". But lately prints have been becoming popular and more women are embracing prints as a trend. Which is good news to me because now there are so many prints to choose from, that I am beside myself. LOL

Haven't blogged in a while because honestly, while the words were in my head, I couldn't write them down. I just couldn't. Writing them down and putting them out into the universe for all to see would make them real. What happened was real, but I am still having a hard time coming to grips with it.

My little brother, my only brother is gone. Three years after my dad passed, I have now lost my brother. He was 40. He was my mother's only son, my only brother and a husband and father to three young girls. My youngest niece Angel is 8. When I look at her, I want to cry. She doesn't understand what an impact Danny's death will have on her. I lost my dad when I was 41 and I was devastated. I can't even imagine how it would be, had I grown up without him in my life. To lose your dad at the age of 8 just seems so cruel to me. But you can't change the circle of life. We all have an expiration date and sometimes that date comes sooner than we think it will.

Danny and his girls

Danny was in the hospital for 11 days in a coma that he never woke up from. I had 11 days to sit by his side but I didn't know that those 11 days were time given to me by a higher power so I can prepare myself to say goodbye. I didn't get that with my dad. His death was so shocking and sudden. I always wondered how it would have been had I gotten a chance to see and talk to him before he died. Now I know that time doesn't mean a thing. The pain is still great and you still don't want to let go.

I spend 9 out of those 11 days still believing Danny would wake up. I fought with the doctors and was so angry because I felt like they were not giving his body a chance to heal. I didn't want to hear that his chances were low to none and that there was no brain activity. I did research on NY State law when it came to comatose patients and removing the ventilator. I took notes every time a doctor or nurse spoke to us. I reached out to friends who were medical professionals to ask questions. I read about other cases that were similar to my brother. I averaged about 3 hours of sleep every night during that time and sometimes forgot to eat. My focus was on saving my brother.

I refused to give up on him because that was my brother. I just couldn't give up on him. I was his big sister and it was my responsibility to look out for my brother and protect him. I was even prepared to go to jail because if the doctors decided to call it and pronounce him brain dead and take him off the ventilator, I was going to start a scene at the hospital and not let them get anywhere near him.

And to think, some distant family members thought we were being intimidated by doctors and were pleading with us in Facebook messages and texts that we should not pull the plug. Little did they know that we did not want to give up on him. I didn't want to give up on him. We put the TV on to ESPN so he could hear it. I had hoped hearing a Yankees game would help him wake up. I recorded my nieces and my sister-in-law held my phone near his ear to replay them, because we hoped hearing his daughters would make him wake up. Lots of friends and family came by the hospital talking to him. We sat at his bedside for 11 days.

On Day 9, was the turning point for me. My mom and I were sitting in the waiting room as they did some chest x-rays on my brother. I turned to her and asked her, "Do you think Danny is gone?" My mother looked at me with such a calm but sad face and said, "Yes." I looked at her in disbelief. She then said:

"You have to let him go. He's at peace. Danny suffered his whole life. He was born with bad asthma and always sick. As an adult, he never caught a break. He could never find the job he desired and always worked like a dog to support his family. He took care of his daughters and always put everyone else first. He never got to really rest, sleep and relax. He was never truly at peace. Now he's resting and doesn't have to suffer anymore. He gets to spend time with Daddy. And that comforts me."

I was shocked. Here is a woman who is watching her only son, lay in a coma and she is able to let him go. She put aside her own feelings of losing her son and was instead looking at this situation from another angle...what is best for Danny. She went on to talk about the other option...would my brother want to be in a hospital bed for years, hooked to machines because we want to keep him alive?

I saw my mom in a different light that day. I saw who I get my strength from. And that was when I knew I had to accept whatever the outcome was. The next day, the doctors declared him brain dead and we were allowed one more day to sit with him because he was an organ donor so they had to keep him on the ventilator until he went to the OR to get his organs removed.

I got a few opportunities to say goodbye to my brother (at the hospital, at the funeral home, at the service and at the cemetery). But honestly, it was not enough. I still look at the door sometimes, thinking he's going to walk through it. I cry at least 3 times a day. It just feels like the scab on an old wound has been ripped away. I was just coming to terms with my dad being gone and now this.

Life is so short. That's why we have to appreciate the present moments. We have to make better choices with how we spend that time. If you love someone, tell them. Make sure you smile and laugh daily. Take some chances in life without worrying about the outcome. Don't put things off until tomorrow. Live in the moment. Appreciate those people in your life that support you and believe in you. Make time for them, even if it's just a phone call. Because you might miss that chance and never get a second one.

The last picture I took with my brother and my mom - Mother's Day 2014

Life is short and time is valuable. Use it wisely. That is something my dad used to always say. I can hear him whispering that in my ear on a daily basis. With my brother gone, it has become more than a whisper. It has become my life's mission. The men in my life are gone. And they were the two best men I knew. So again, I embark on this journey of grief, looking at the world differently. No more procrastination. I feel anxious, wanting to make sure I make every minute worth it.

I wrote the following passage on Facebook the other day and it is one of the most authentic things I have ever written and sums up my present state perfectly:

"It's hard to understand loss. You often wonder why you have to experience such great losses in life. But I have learned that some questions will never be answered and what is most important in life is acceptance. Acceptance and surrendering to what is. I used to think acceptance and surrendering meant giving up. But honestly, you have to let go to keep moving on. Doesn't mean you're giving up. You're just trying to live. Today was a hard day and I know there will be other hard days ahead. But there will be good days, too. In the last month, I have lost not only my only brother, but other significant things and people, too. All happening at once. But on a daily basis, I tell myself that I am strong and I can get through anything because my dad often said so throughout my whole life. He told me that I can do whatever I set out to in life and my strength knows no bounds. "I am a rock and nothing can knock me down." You say that enough times to yourself and you begin to believe it, breathe it and live it. That is one of the many things my dad has left behind in his legacy within me and it has come in so handy now with the loss of my brother and everything else. It's hard to be positive and not give up when it seems like nothing is going right. But because of my dad always speaking life into me and encouraging me to live with an open heart, to always pursue my dreams, be happy and have a desire for adventure, that life is what I cling to with everything I have. It keeps me hopeful that things are going to turn around soon. They have to and they will. I won't accept anything less than that. I didn't realize how strong I was until I saw that no matter what was thrown at me, I could not be knocked down nor did it take away my positive spirit. I am so thankful for that strength. Thank you, Lord."

In times of great loss, you grow. You learn. You change. This I know. But right now, I am missing my little brother so much it hurts.

Daniel Cruz Jr April 22, 1974 - May 30, 2014 Rest in peace, Little Brother

To read more about what happened to my brother, here's some links:

http://redhookstar.wordpress.com/2014/05/31/red-hook-resident-dies-after-delayed-ambulance-response-by-george-fiala/

http://redhookstar.wordpress.com/2014/06/10/daniel-cruz-remembered-in-funeral-service-by-george-fiala/

Sometimes we don't appreciate the little things until one day we realize that those little things held a big meaning.

I dated P seven years ago. We were together for a year and even though it was a short relationship compared to my others, it is one I often reflect on because it changed my life.

It's one of those relationships that I look back on and always think of ways I could have saved it. I made a lot of mistakes, which partly led to our demise. That relationship taught me to never underestimate how a man can feel about me, even if he doesn't verbally say so. It's all about a person's actions. I'm the type of woman who wants to hear how a guy feels. P was a romantic but his gestures were subtle and sometimes, he was a quiet man who valued his space. So I didn't really notice his subtle gestures of love until now.

The grandest gesture that he did for me was one that went totally unnoticed until the day we broke up and by then, it was too late. For an entire year, he had always slept on the right side of the bed. I naturally thought that was the side of the bed he preferred, which was great for me since I always sleep on the left.

I love Audrey Hepburn. Everyone who knows me, know I loves me some Audrey.

I call my bedroom the Audrey room. There's framed Audrey movie posters, huge Audrey canvas I scored at IKEA and even an Audrey clock that my brother gave me for Christmas two years ago. I own two Audrey tees, an Audrey lunchbox, books and am now on a quest for some Audrey ballerina flats. My friend Donna actually found an Audrey Hepburn wine glass that she gifted me! I even have an Audrey luggage tag on my suitcase.

My Audrey canvas in the background

People often ask me, "Why do you love Audrey so much?" and it is assumed that I love her because she was and is still a fashion icon. Nope, that's not the reason. Don't get me wrong. I love her style and have mimicked it at times in my life. But what I love about Audrey so much is that she was fearless.

She had been through a lot in her life. Audrey lived in Europe during World War II, mostly in the Netherlands and her father was absent for most of her life. Her plan was to be a ballet dancer and she trained so well that by the time she was 15, she was dancing in secret for groups of people to collect money for the Dutch resistance. Her family starved and really suffered during the war. But she used her creative talents as an outlet and even drew as a way to pass the time. This is why she became so passionate in helping others and became a humanitarian later in life, becoming a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador.

After being told that she was too tall and weak to become a prima ballerina, she worked in theatre to pay the bills until she was discovered and became the wonderful actress that she is known for.

Audrey never gave up. She was a decent ballerina but that wasn't her calling. She was great at theatre but that wasn't her calling. All of these things just led her to her actual calling. I always believed that acting wasn't her true calling either. It was another step towards her true calling of being inspiring to others. Helping others through her own experiences and being able to make enough money to be able to help others too. Audrey was about love, persistence, kindness, gratitude and generosity. She was so thankful for her life, even the bad times. Because she knew there was always a lesson to be learned. And she knew how to live her life gracefully and with dignity.

So, why do I love Audrey so much? Because she was someone who I strive to be like. She had such a wonderful heart and despite all the setbacks she encountered (even in her adult life, she suffered miscarriages, failed marriages and eventually died from cancer), she always had a smile on her face and never turned away from anyone.

Her birthday was May 4, this past Sunday and I always try to have one good adventure and do three good deeds in her honor. This year was no different. People like her are rare but they make such an impact. She will always be my hero. I'll be honoring her all month because for me, May is Audrey month.

Last weekend, I went on a trip to DC on a whim. A friend asked me at the last minute to go and I, of course, being the adventurer I am, jumped at the chance.

I have been to DC many times over the years but I have to say, I felt like I saw the city for the first time this past weekend. It really is true that your travel partner can make a difference in how your trip turns out. I was cloud chasing in full force all weekend. The weather was beautiful and I just felt so free.

I also worked through two fears while in DC. First, I actually wore a white cropped jacket. I have not worn white since I was a kid. I have a hatred of the color white because I was always told that white makes you look fatter. That white is not flattering on a plus size body. This white jacket had been sitting in my closet for two years. I finally decided to cut off the tags and put it into fashion rotation and I LOVE IT.

Ironically, I ended up wearing a white top on Friday and Saturday. I was so bold, lol. Not sure if I'm ready for white pants yet. Baby steps, people.

I also have a fear of walking up and down steep stairs that don't have arm-rails. I fell down a flight of stairs almost 20 years ago and broke my ankle. So I have always been afraid of falling again. And I never visited the monuments in DC for that very reason. I realized this past weekend that I was missing out on something wonderful because my fear was holding me back. Walking up and down the stairs of the Jefferson Memorial on my first night of DC was such a defining moment for me. I felt stronger and more fearless. I felt like I let go and that alone was so freeing. And I got to see the sunset as I walked down the stairs.

As I always say, it's all about the adventure! And I kicked fear to the curb last weekend. Yes!

"Are we gonna let the elevator
Bring us down, oh, no let's go
Let's go crazy, let's get nuts
Look for the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go
All excited but we don't know why
Maybe it's 'cause we're all gonna die
And when we do, what's it all for
Better live now before the grim reaper
Come knocking on your door" ~ Let's Go Crazy by Prince (1984)

I've been feeling down these last couple days. My dad's anniversary is on Thursday and it feels like a full moon where everyone is acting out of character. I woke up this morning, feeling like I did not want to deal with most people and the ones that I do... well, that's a short list! lol

Then I remember something Joel Osteen said yesterday - we make the choice on our attitude. We can choose to be positive or we can choose to be negative. Being positive = HAPPY. Being negative = depression, defeat and just a very dark place. And then...

This Prince song came on the radio. And I started dancing around in my pajamas in my bedroom. I felt so good. And I then started shouting, "TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY! I CAN DO IT! I CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING! EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT! I CAN DO IT!"

And guess what? I felt better. All because I made the choice to be positive. Oh, and acting a little crazy.

Sometimes it pays to act a little crazy...in a good way. The more I choose to think positive, the stronger I get. The less I care about what other people are doing and being accepted by others. The more I care about myself and living life to its fullest. In this positive state, I focus more on the adventure, the journey and don't focus on what's going on around me that has nothing to do with me.

I'm doing something crazy on Thursday to honor my father. And I can't wait. I'll share once it's done. :)

Being happy now means accepting life as it is RIGHT NOW and knowing that nothing is set in stone. The story continues and we choose how the next page will turn.