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I saw you yesterday. Well, I see you everyday since you insist on making your presence known to me everywhere I go, lol. I used to look at it as a sad thing because I missed you so much and couldn't handle the fact that you were gone in a human sense. Well, 8 months later, I have to admit that it makes me feel safe to know you're around. You can finally be in 5 places at once, which I know you always wished you could do when you were on this Earth. No more spreading yourself thin.
I did so well this week and know you are smiling down at me, so proud. It was my 4th bus ride but the first one since you passed away where I did not have a meltdown. I did not even cry at all. I guess that means I am getting better. Many people continue to keep telling me how I will get over this in time. I don't get that and think it has to be either they don't understand or were not as close with the parent they lost so it was easier for them to move on. The grieving process is different for everyone but when you lose a parent, especially one you were so close with and that was such a big part of your life...well, how can you get over something like that???
I think I will come to terms with the fact that you are not here in this sense anymore. I will learn to accept it. BUT. I will never get over it. I just know for me, it is not possible. I think I will cry for you on my wedding day even if it's 5 years from now, I will definitely weep when I have my firstborn because I know he/she will never meet you in person. There will always be moments where I will feel your loss deeply. BUT. I will learn to accept and adapt...I will continue to live because I know that is what you want me and all of us to do. It won't be easy but we can do it.
Please don't focus all your time worrying about me...you can now see what my future holds so you know I will be okay. I know I am your only daughter and will forever be your baby girl but I'm YOUR daughter so you know I am going to continue to do phenomenal things in this life, go to magnificent places and touch many lives. That is your legacy.
I had to take this break from the world - it was getting a bit much. I needed time away. I know you know how that is since we are cut from the same cloth. I'm in one of your fave places and can't help but think this was such a good idea since I needed to recharge and reflect on many things.
So today, it has been 8 months and while it feels like yesterday and I miss you so much that it hurts bad, I'm going to spend the day remembering you and being happy about the good times. I'm going to get these tears out now and then forge forward with the day. I know I did not say it enough when you were alive but Daddy, I love you so much.
Now go see how Mindy and Danny are doing. I think they need your presence more than I do today. I'll be okay and I am sure we will talk soon in an upcoming dream.
Love, Marcy
I did so well this week and know you are smiling down at me, so proud. It was my 4th bus ride but the first one since you passed away where I did not have a meltdown. I did not even cry at all. I guess that means I am getting better. Many people continue to keep telling me how I will get over this in time. I don't get that and think it has to be either they don't understand or were not as close with the parent they lost so it was easier for them to move on. The grieving process is different for everyone but when you lose a parent, especially one you were so close with and that was such a big part of your life...well, how can you get over something like that???
I think I will come to terms with the fact that you are not here in this sense anymore. I will learn to accept it. BUT. I will never get over it. I just know for me, it is not possible. I think I will cry for you on my wedding day even if it's 5 years from now, I will definitely weep when I have my firstborn because I know he/she will never meet you in person. There will always be moments where I will feel your loss deeply. BUT. I will learn to accept and adapt...I will continue to live because I know that is what you want me and all of us to do. It won't be easy but we can do it.
Please don't focus all your time worrying about me...you can now see what my future holds so you know I will be okay. I know I am your only daughter and will forever be your baby girl but I'm YOUR daughter so you know I am going to continue to do phenomenal things in this life, go to magnificent places and touch many lives. That is your legacy.
I had to take this break from the world - it was getting a bit much. I needed time away. I know you know how that is since we are cut from the same cloth. I'm in one of your fave places and can't help but think this was such a good idea since I needed to recharge and reflect on many things.
So today, it has been 8 months and while it feels like yesterday and I miss you so much that it hurts bad, I'm going to spend the day remembering you and being happy about the good times. I'm going to get these tears out now and then forge forward with the day. I know I did not say it enough when you were alive but Daddy, I love you so much.
Now go see how Mindy and Danny are doing. I think they need your presence more than I do today. I'll be okay and I am sure we will talk soon in an upcoming dream.
Love, Marcy
For the last 2 weeks, I have been hearing this song sporadically and it has such an effect on me where I start to think of how my dad is gone and start sobbing. Truly heart-wrenching. I didn't know the name or the meaning behind the song. All I know is it makes me cry and think of my dad.
So yesterday it comes on again and I catch the title and artist and decide to look it up. It's called The Living Years by Mike and The Mechanics. I was shocked to learn that the lyrics are about the singer talking to his father, saying that he wishes he could have said some things to him while he was alive and how he regrets not seeing him before he died. So now he knows not to take anyone for granted while they are living - in other words, GUILT.
And that has been my main problem...letting go of the guilt and forgiving myself for so many things. The petty disagreements, me taking him for granted... I'll blog more about it later when I am ready. I just think this is my dad's way of telling me to forgive myself. He will not be ignored, lol. He was never one for subtlety. I love you, Daddy. It'll be 8 months on the 10th...
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So yesterday it comes on again and I catch the title and artist and decide to look it up. It's called The Living Years by Mike and The Mechanics. I was shocked to learn that the lyrics are about the singer talking to his father, saying that he wishes he could have said some things to him while he was alive and how he regrets not seeing him before he died. So now he knows not to take anyone for granted while they are living - in other words, GUILT.
And that has been my main problem...letting go of the guilt and forgiving myself for so many things. The petty disagreements, me taking him for granted... I'll blog more about it later when I am ready. I just think this is my dad's way of telling me to forgive myself. He will not be ignored, lol. He was never one for subtlety. I love you, Daddy. It'll be 8 months on the 10th...
Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door
I know that I'm a prisoner
To all my Father held so dear
I know that I'm a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
I'm afraid that's all we've got
You say you just don't see it
He says it's perfect sense
You just can't get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
It's the bitterness that lasts
So don't yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you don't give up, and don't give in
You may just be O.K.
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I wasn't there that morning
When my Father passed away
I didn't get to tell him
All the things I had to say
I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
I'm sure I heard his echo
In my baby's new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years
Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
It's too late when we die
To admit we don't see eye to eye
I up and decided to take a break from Facebook, my life and the world in general. And it's been wonderful. I think we all need to unplug for a while.
It happened as I was going through my storage boxes. I had taken all of my stuff out of storage last weekend so I can save money AND let go of old things that honestly I did not have a need for. I didn't realize how emotional and draining it would be to do so. I started with 60 boxes and am now down to 8. Yep, my former life is in the form of 8 boxes, stacked up neatly in a corner of my mom's living room. :sigh:
Most of my former life is tied to my dad since I lived in the Bronx for almost 6 years and lived about 10 mins from him so I saw him frequently. I found so many things that held such great memories. By Wed night, I was burnt out emotionally and physically. Couldn't sleep. I needed time away.
Facebook has become such a integrated part of my life. I have become that person I said I would never become: one who is dependable and almost hungry for social media and interaction. I started to think of the days before Facebook, before texting, even before cell phones and pagers. Where you had to pick up the phone to actually talk to someone and if you were out in the streets, you had to use a pay phone. Now we have become so dependent on communicating in such impersonal ways like text, inbox msgs and email. No one actually talks anymore. No one even sends out handwritten letters via postal mail or cards. And that bothers me. It bothers me even more because I have become one of those people.
So I needed time away from social media, technology....from the world. Right now, I am in great need of physical interaction. I want hugs and company...I want to see someone smile and laugh with someone. I need to hear a calming voice. I need to feel that love from the people close to me. That is much more comforting than a text or inbox message or wall post on Facebook.
So I will be on an extended much needed sabbatical from the world. I will continue to blog here and over at Belle-Noir because writing gives me joy and is my passion. But that's where it ends. I need to put the laptop away and see the world again. My bag is already packed and I am good to go.
I'm excited and for a minute there, I am feeling like my old gypsy traveling self, lol. As of Tuesday, I am leaving for parts unknown. Well, known to me but a secret to everyone else except the lucky few that I get to see. As it stands, I will be gone a week since I do have a life where unfortunately, I have to make money and Christmas will be here before you know it. But a week is a good amount of time to recharge. I'm doing it the Marcy way....3 cities in 1 week. It's like the old days! LOL
And that is what I need right now.
It happened as I was going through my storage boxes. I had taken all of my stuff out of storage last weekend so I can save money AND let go of old things that honestly I did not have a need for. I didn't realize how emotional and draining it would be to do so. I started with 60 boxes and am now down to 8. Yep, my former life is in the form of 8 boxes, stacked up neatly in a corner of my mom's living room. :sigh:
Most of my former life is tied to my dad since I lived in the Bronx for almost 6 years and lived about 10 mins from him so I saw him frequently. I found so many things that held such great memories. By Wed night, I was burnt out emotionally and physically. Couldn't sleep. I needed time away.
Facebook has become such a integrated part of my life. I have become that person I said I would never become: one who is dependable and almost hungry for social media and interaction. I started to think of the days before Facebook, before texting, even before cell phones and pagers. Where you had to pick up the phone to actually talk to someone and if you were out in the streets, you had to use a pay phone. Now we have become so dependent on communicating in such impersonal ways like text, inbox msgs and email. No one actually talks anymore. No one even sends out handwritten letters via postal mail or cards. And that bothers me. It bothers me even more because I have become one of those people.
So I needed time away from social media, technology....from the world. Right now, I am in great need of physical interaction. I want hugs and company...I want to see someone smile and laugh with someone. I need to hear a calming voice. I need to feel that love from the people close to me. That is much more comforting than a text or inbox message or wall post on Facebook.
So I will be on an extended much needed sabbatical from the world. I will continue to blog here and over at Belle-Noir because writing gives me joy and is my passion. But that's where it ends. I need to put the laptop away and see the world again. My bag is already packed and I am good to go.
I'm excited and for a minute there, I am feeling like my old gypsy traveling self, lol. As of Tuesday, I am leaving for parts unknown. Well, known to me but a secret to everyone else except the lucky few that I get to see. As it stands, I will be gone a week since I do have a life where unfortunately, I have to make money and Christmas will be here before you know it. But a week is a good amount of time to recharge. I'm doing it the Marcy way....3 cities in 1 week. It's like the old days! LOL
And that is what I need right now.
Two posts in one day - it's a miracle!
The reason for this post is because something nice and unexpected happened today and honestly, in looking at my last few posts, I have been quite the Debbie Downer lately. Yes, I am allowed since I am grieving but still, so unlike me.
With that said, I think I met someone. No, let me rephrase that...he has been there for a year but I never thought we would get to this place where we would seriously talk about getting together. It's a strange thing. I think it hit me today that he is definitely someone I can build a future with. And that's saying a lot since it takes a bit for me to even think like that after Mr Ex. I am cautious but optimistic. :)
I have always liked him from Day 1 and he was interested too but we never met together in the same place at the same time for anything to happen. So we stayed friends and it has been great. He's always there when I need a kind word, advice or support. he has made me laugh in times where I thought I would cry forever. And he gets me especially on my dad because he lost his father at a young age.
I seem to vibe more with guys on that level. My best friend is a guy so right there that speaks volumes.
Anyway, this one, we'll call him Mr Wonderful because he is, even on a platonic level. He's really cool. And what cracks me up is we have been friends this entire time...a whole year. And who knew we were actually building something by being just friends? Sometimes things happen unexpectedly and catch you off guard. When he called me tonight, it was a different type of conversation. He was asking me questions he never asked me before. Questions that only a guy who likes you would ask - that showed he was thinking about me today...like "What is the longest your hair has ever been and when?" "Where would you live on the East Coast?" "Oh, when's the dates for Full Figured Fashion Week?" And I said to him "You must have been thinking of me today." He answered "Yes, I was, of course, I was." Be-still my heart. I love how he doesn't hide how he feels. I know upfront - there's no guessing, no games. I guess this comes from us being friends for a year. I don't know.
All I know is a straight man would not be interested in FFF Week unless he has business there or knew a certain lady was working the event and he wanted to be her date. And he's in the education field so I doubt it's for business. He knows how important FFF Week is to me. So it's nice that he would put it on his calendar now, 8 months before the event.
We'll see what happens. Cautious but optimistic...and letting life unfold as it does. Oh and did I mention he's a cutie? LOL! Gosh, I'm beginning to feel like my old self again, It comes out in doses, lol. I'm getting there, one day at a time.
The reason for this post is because something nice and unexpected happened today and honestly, in looking at my last few posts, I have been quite the Debbie Downer lately. Yes, I am allowed since I am grieving but still, so unlike me.
With that said, I think I met someone. No, let me rephrase that...he has been there for a year but I never thought we would get to this place where we would seriously talk about getting together. It's a strange thing. I think it hit me today that he is definitely someone I can build a future with. And that's saying a lot since it takes a bit for me to even think like that after Mr Ex. I am cautious but optimistic. :)
I have always liked him from Day 1 and he was interested too but we never met together in the same place at the same time for anything to happen. So we stayed friends and it has been great. He's always there when I need a kind word, advice or support. he has made me laugh in times where I thought I would cry forever. And he gets me especially on my dad because he lost his father at a young age.
I seem to vibe more with guys on that level. My best friend is a guy so right there that speaks volumes.
Anyway, this one, we'll call him Mr Wonderful because he is, even on a platonic level. He's really cool. And what cracks me up is we have been friends this entire time...a whole year. And who knew we were actually building something by being just friends? Sometimes things happen unexpectedly and catch you off guard. When he called me tonight, it was a different type of conversation. He was asking me questions he never asked me before. Questions that only a guy who likes you would ask - that showed he was thinking about me today...like "What is the longest your hair has ever been and when?" "Where would you live on the East Coast?" "Oh, when's the dates for Full Figured Fashion Week?" And I said to him "You must have been thinking of me today." He answered "Yes, I was, of course, I was." Be-still my heart. I love how he doesn't hide how he feels. I know upfront - there's no guessing, no games. I guess this comes from us being friends for a year. I don't know.
All I know is a straight man would not be interested in FFF Week unless he has business there or knew a certain lady was working the event and he wanted to be her date. And he's in the education field so I doubt it's for business. He knows how important FFF Week is to me. So it's nice that he would put it on his calendar now, 8 months before the event.
We'll see what happens. Cautious but optimistic...and letting life unfold as it does. Oh and did I mention he's a cutie? LOL! Gosh, I'm beginning to feel like my old self again, It comes out in doses, lol. I'm getting there, one day at a time.
...And it's so hard for me to let go.
I have learned that a true friend will stick by you thru the dark times and not just the happy times. But I also know that I cannot expect people to be like me and treat me as I treat them because in the end, that's me and there is only one me. But I always fall into this trap of expecting too much from people because I expect what I give back. This is not a perfect world so I need to accept that that isn't happening.
Sometimes when people have their own problems, they just don't want to be bothered with yours. Sad but true. But the few gems who hang in there, they are keepers.
I also learned that sometimes the people you least expect to be the ones not there usually are. Again, sad but true. Seasons change and sometimes those changes lead to that season ending. The vice versa also happens. I have had people become great friends who I would have never thought I would have any sort of relationship with. It just goes to show you how unpredictable life can be.
I am trying to go with the flow because honestly, all of these changes are really throwing for a loop. It's as if God is really taking me out of my comfort zone and shaking my life up. This is what I get for taking life for granted. That ended when my dad died and let me tell you, not a day goes by that I take for granted anymore. I have seen friends who I thought would be in my circle for life just walk away.
I have a friend who recently just stopped calling, deactivated her Facebook and dropped off the face of the Earth. After my dad died 7 months ago, she came by to see me but after that, the calls became less and less until she went MIA. I recently saw her while shopping at CVS and she looked shocked to see me. We talked briefly and she asked for my number again, saying she got a new phone and all her numbers were erased. Well, after that day 3 weeks ago, we exchanged texts twice, one of those times being the day before Thanksgiving. The last 2 Thanksgivings I had spent at her house where she hosted dinner for her family and friends. So this year, I thought of her, not because I wanted an invite since I had other plans but because this day had become sort of a tradition in my life that included her. So I texted her, wished her a Happy Thanksgiving and asked how she was. Well, she told me via text that she was not hosting this year, going to someone else's house and wished me a great holiday. Later on, I felt like maybe she thought I had only texted her to get an invite to her house, which was not the case. But I was left feeling like she had no interest in being my friend anymore and that I needed to let it go. You can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held.
I am proud of myself because I did major cleaning in my life this year...I cut off many people, including family members. Just because you can't choose who your family is does not mean you can't choose whether or not you have them in your life. For example, my father's sister and mother are still alive. My grandmother is the only living grandparent I have alive. Sadly, we don't speak. I hadn't spoken to my grandma in years until she called me after my dad died. Even then, they did not come to his funeral, even though they live about 15 mins away. I'll discuss this relationship in another post. But before you judge, know this, I made the choice to not have them in my life because I could not be emotionally, mentally hurt anymore. Again, this is for another time, another post.
I guess what I am trying to say is that seasons change and I realized that I am not good at letting go. I tend to hold on and give people second/third/fourth chances before I realize that I need to let them go. Which is why I think God is shaking my life up like a snowglobe and letting the flakes fall where they may. Some have fallen in their usual place and some have not. The biggest lesson I have learned through all this is that you can only take it one day at a time and do the best you can during that moment. So in this moment, I am letting go and having an open mind to whatever life brings.
I have learned that a true friend will stick by you thru the dark times and not just the happy times. But I also know that I cannot expect people to be like me and treat me as I treat them because in the end, that's me and there is only one me. But I always fall into this trap of expecting too much from people because I expect what I give back. This is not a perfect world so I need to accept that that isn't happening.
Sometimes when people have their own problems, they just don't want to be bothered with yours. Sad but true. But the few gems who hang in there, they are keepers.
I also learned that sometimes the people you least expect to be the ones not there usually are. Again, sad but true. Seasons change and sometimes those changes lead to that season ending. The vice versa also happens. I have had people become great friends who I would have never thought I would have any sort of relationship with. It just goes to show you how unpredictable life can be.
I am trying to go with the flow because honestly, all of these changes are really throwing for a loop. It's as if God is really taking me out of my comfort zone and shaking my life up. This is what I get for taking life for granted. That ended when my dad died and let me tell you, not a day goes by that I take for granted anymore. I have seen friends who I thought would be in my circle for life just walk away.
I have a friend who recently just stopped calling, deactivated her Facebook and dropped off the face of the Earth. After my dad died 7 months ago, she came by to see me but after that, the calls became less and less until she went MIA. I recently saw her while shopping at CVS and she looked shocked to see me. We talked briefly and she asked for my number again, saying she got a new phone and all her numbers were erased. Well, after that day 3 weeks ago, we exchanged texts twice, one of those times being the day before Thanksgiving. The last 2 Thanksgivings I had spent at her house where she hosted dinner for her family and friends. So this year, I thought of her, not because I wanted an invite since I had other plans but because this day had become sort of a tradition in my life that included her. So I texted her, wished her a Happy Thanksgiving and asked how she was. Well, she told me via text that she was not hosting this year, going to someone else's house and wished me a great holiday. Later on, I felt like maybe she thought I had only texted her to get an invite to her house, which was not the case. But I was left feeling like she had no interest in being my friend anymore and that I needed to let it go. You can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to be held.
I am proud of myself because I did major cleaning in my life this year...I cut off many people, including family members. Just because you can't choose who your family is does not mean you can't choose whether or not you have them in your life. For example, my father's sister and mother are still alive. My grandmother is the only living grandparent I have alive. Sadly, we don't speak. I hadn't spoken to my grandma in years until she called me after my dad died. Even then, they did not come to his funeral, even though they live about 15 mins away. I'll discuss this relationship in another post. But before you judge, know this, I made the choice to not have them in my life because I could not be emotionally, mentally hurt anymore. Again, this is for another time, another post.
I guess what I am trying to say is that seasons change and I realized that I am not good at letting go. I tend to hold on and give people second/third/fourth chances before I realize that I need to let them go. Which is why I think God is shaking my life up like a snowglobe and letting the flakes fall where they may. Some have fallen in their usual place and some have not. The biggest lesson I have learned through all this is that you can only take it one day at a time and do the best you can during that moment. So in this moment, I am letting go and having an open mind to whatever life brings.
For weeks since Dad passed away, I have not been the easiest person to deal with. My mom and I have not been getting along either. Today was no different. This morning, she had a doctor's appointment and then we did lunch. All day today, my left hand was killing me. Sometimes I get bad arthritis in my hands from all the writing and typing I have done over the years. So I was in a lot of pain. But I was still trying to be in good spirits because I did not want to stress my mom.
Anyway, she noticed that I kept grimacing in pain when I moved my fingers. So she kept asking me if I was okay. Yes, Mom. LOL.
As we waited for our car to pick us up, she kept looking at me with concern and I kept telling her, "I'm fine". The car comes and usually my mom sits in the back on the right because of her bad knee. So I have to go around and get in on the left, which is usually the side that is facing the road with oncoming traffic.
So she asks the driver if she can sit in the front and he says yes. She then turns to me and tells me to sit behind her on the right. I asked why. She then told me that she didn't want me to go out of my way to get in the car on the left with my bad hand because we had bags as well...she wanted me to be comfortable.
WOW.
Just so you know, my mom hates sitting in the front of a car. She hates the seatbelts in the front (the crossover), she hates being that close to the front window and she always feels like she doesn't have enough room in the front to stretch her legs. So for her to give up her seat and sit in the front just so I could be comfortable was a pretty BIG deal.
I was so humbled at that very moment. And it hit me. My mom really loves me and no matter how old I am, she will be always be the mother and I, the child. I can be 60 and she 81 and she will still "try" to take care of me. I always felt like my mom didn't love me as much as my brother. I know it's a silly thing to say but he was always her "favorite" as I was my father's "favorite". So for her to do something so selfless, even if it seems like a minor thing...well, it really just got me emotional.
I was wearing sunglasses and thank goodness for that because the tears started to fall. I felt so humbled and loved at the same time.
I needed that moment. I am still trying to accept that my dad is gone. And Mom is all that I have left. I have to appreciate her while she is here. I am going to think about that everytime she gets on my nerves (lol). I have to pick and choose my battles with her. I can't argue with her over everything. It just isn't right. Life is too short for us to spend our moments arguing.
I'm typing with one hand because I am still in pain. But this moment was so great that I had to share. I can only hope I can be a wonderful mother to my children one day as my mom is to my brother and I. We are lucky to have her. She may be loud at times, talk at inappropriate times (like funerals, SMH), and can be stubborn but she is one of the most genuine, caring, loving people I know. She is my mom.
Anyway, she noticed that I kept grimacing in pain when I moved my fingers. So she kept asking me if I was okay. Yes, Mom. LOL.
As we waited for our car to pick us up, she kept looking at me with concern and I kept telling her, "I'm fine". The car comes and usually my mom sits in the back on the right because of her bad knee. So I have to go around and get in on the left, which is usually the side that is facing the road with oncoming traffic.
So she asks the driver if she can sit in the front and he says yes. She then turns to me and tells me to sit behind her on the right. I asked why. She then told me that she didn't want me to go out of my way to get in the car on the left with my bad hand because we had bags as well...she wanted me to be comfortable.
WOW.
Just so you know, my mom hates sitting in the front of a car. She hates the seatbelts in the front (the crossover), she hates being that close to the front window and she always feels like she doesn't have enough room in the front to stretch her legs. So for her to give up her seat and sit in the front just so I could be comfortable was a pretty BIG deal.
I was so humbled at that very moment. And it hit me. My mom really loves me and no matter how old I am, she will be always be the mother and I, the child. I can be 60 and she 81 and she will still "try" to take care of me. I always felt like my mom didn't love me as much as my brother. I know it's a silly thing to say but he was always her "favorite" as I was my father's "favorite". So for her to do something so selfless, even if it seems like a minor thing...well, it really just got me emotional.
I was wearing sunglasses and thank goodness for that because the tears started to fall. I felt so humbled and loved at the same time.
I needed that moment. I am still trying to accept that my dad is gone. And Mom is all that I have left. I have to appreciate her while she is here. I am going to think about that everytime she gets on my nerves (lol). I have to pick and choose my battles with her. I can't argue with her over everything. It just isn't right. Life is too short for us to spend our moments arguing.
I'm typing with one hand because I am still in pain. But this moment was so great that I had to share. I can only hope I can be a wonderful mother to my children one day as my mom is to my brother and I. We are lucky to have her. She may be loud at times, talk at inappropriate times (like funerals, SMH), and can be stubborn but she is one of the most genuine, caring, loving people I know. She is my mom.
Yesterday marked 8 weeks since my dad passed away. I spent the day with my brother at my step-mom's house, going thru my dad's things. I picked up his ashes too. I realized that I needed to do this...this is step 1 of me getting my life back. I was standing still. For me, I was still back in April. And I need to start living and be in June like everyone else. That is what my dad would want for me.
Looking forward to getting my hair done this week, meeting up with a friend on Friday for lunch who is coming up from South Carolina and preparing for Full Figured Fashion Week. During this whole time of trying to deal with my dad's death, I have been working as a freelancer on the FFF Week production team. And that was such a blessing since it kept me busy. One of the perks of being on the production team is that I get to go to all the events. I'm really excited.
I'm working the shopping event (I'm the co-organizer) so if any of my readers are coming to FFF Week in New York City from June 16 - 18 and attending the Curves in the City Shopping Soiree, please make sure to say hello.
Yes, friends, I am getting my life back.
Looking forward to getting my hair done this week, meeting up with a friend on Friday for lunch who is coming up from South Carolina and preparing for Full Figured Fashion Week. During this whole time of trying to deal with my dad's death, I have been working as a freelancer on the FFF Week production team. And that was such a blessing since it kept me busy. One of the perks of being on the production team is that I get to go to all the events. I'm really excited.
I'm working the shopping event (I'm the co-organizer) so if any of my readers are coming to FFF Week in New York City from June 16 - 18 and attending the Curves in the City Shopping Soiree, please make sure to say hello.
Yes, friends, I am getting my life back.
It's been 3 weeks and 6 days. I just don't know what I am doing. I'm driving myself nuts. I haven't really cried yet and feel like I have yet to truly mourn the loss of my dad. My step-mom has been great. She has really been there and it is comforting to know that she gets me and knows exactly what I am feeling. She has been keeping busy too and I think that is her way of avoiding the inevitable...accepting that he is gone. I'm avoiding it too. I just can't believe it. My logical mind knows he's gone but my heart can't accept it. So I'm kind of in a tug-a-war with myself.
My step-mom has said so many enlightening things to me this week. It has made me think about my life overall. We tend to take life for granted and push things off for tomorrow. We make plans far in advance, not really thinking about the fact that tomorrow is not promised to us. One day you're there and the next, you can be gone. "You have to do what you can when you can. Because you never know when it's your time to leave this life." This is what she said to me the other day when she told me that she was going to bereavement counseling because she needs to be able to start living again without my dad. She also suggested I do the same. She knows. She knows that I am not coping well. I'm hanging by a thread.
I feel so guilty by letting so much time pass in between times I spent with my dad. We spoke often on the phone but we didn't see each other regularly. I keep thinking about how I always planned to go with him on one of his Greyhound runs to Montreal. And now, we can't. It kind of reminds me of 9/11. I always wanted to eat at the Top of the World restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center. I kept putting it off because who knew that the WTC would be gone one day? But it happened. And after that, I always said I would never put off anything again. Well, I did. I always felt like my dad would live past 100. I took that for granted. So many things.
So I am going to join a bereavement group. I need to talk to people who will be open and keep it real. Not this "Sorry for your loss, you'll get over it in time. I understand how you feel." To that, I say KMA. Word. I just need an outlet where I can speak and not be thought of as crazy. I just think so many people are fake and it really pisses me off.
I need to get better with this because I know I have to continue to do big things in this life to make Daddy proud and to be happy. I just don't know how to let go and grieve. And as I am writing this, it just came to me. I don't want to let go because that would mean I am accepting that he's gone. See, that's my logical mind talking. But right now it is not in line with my heart. I can't accept that he's gone. I refuse to.
The one good thing to come out of this, if anything, is that it has brought all of us closer together. My mom and my step-mom are actually talking and my mom said to me tonight, "I feel so bad for her because I had him for 34 years and she only had him for 11. She must feel like she got robbed of the best thing that ever happened to her. We have to be there for her." Yes, my mom is a sweetheart and good person. It gives me hope for all of us because Daddy's legacy lives on.
My step-mom has said so many enlightening things to me this week. It has made me think about my life overall. We tend to take life for granted and push things off for tomorrow. We make plans far in advance, not really thinking about the fact that tomorrow is not promised to us. One day you're there and the next, you can be gone. "You have to do what you can when you can. Because you never know when it's your time to leave this life." This is what she said to me the other day when she told me that she was going to bereavement counseling because she needs to be able to start living again without my dad. She also suggested I do the same. She knows. She knows that I am not coping well. I'm hanging by a thread.
I feel so guilty by letting so much time pass in between times I spent with my dad. We spoke often on the phone but we didn't see each other regularly. I keep thinking about how I always planned to go with him on one of his Greyhound runs to Montreal. And now, we can't. It kind of reminds me of 9/11. I always wanted to eat at the Top of the World restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center. I kept putting it off because who knew that the WTC would be gone one day? But it happened. And after that, I always said I would never put off anything again. Well, I did. I always felt like my dad would live past 100. I took that for granted. So many things.
So I am going to join a bereavement group. I need to talk to people who will be open and keep it real. Not this "Sorry for your loss, you'll get over it in time. I understand how you feel." To that, I say KMA. Word. I just need an outlet where I can speak and not be thought of as crazy. I just think so many people are fake and it really pisses me off.
I need to get better with this because I know I have to continue to do big things in this life to make Daddy proud and to be happy. I just don't know how to let go and grieve. And as I am writing this, it just came to me. I don't want to let go because that would mean I am accepting that he's gone. See, that's my logical mind talking. But right now it is not in line with my heart. I can't accept that he's gone. I refuse to.
The one good thing to come out of this, if anything, is that it has brought all of us closer together. My mom and my step-mom are actually talking and my mom said to me tonight, "I feel so bad for her because I had him for 34 years and she only had him for 11. She must feel like she got robbed of the best thing that ever happened to her. We have to be there for her." Yes, my mom is a sweetheart and good person. It gives me hope for all of us because Daddy's legacy lives on.
Haven't blogged in a while. Honestly, I was going through some things that I didn't want to write about it because then if I write them down, I am putting them out there into the universe. And frankly, I needed to hide for a bit. I know it will sound horrible but I even stopped going to church for a while. I was hiding and running away from everything, which is so ridiculous when you think about it because I can't hide from God and I certainly cannot hide from myself. But I tried to. Avoidance is such a cop-out. SMH...I am so disappointed in myself for being this way.
Then when I felt it was ready for me to come out of my cave, BAM! My dad passed away. It was sudden and so unexpected. He called me 2 hours before his death, leaving me a voicemail to tell me some normal stuff, letting me know he was on his way to Syracuse and would call me later (he was a driver for Greyhound). Then I got the call that I don't wish anyone to get. My step-mom telling me that he had a heart attack while he was on the road and he didn't make it.
He has been celebrated as a hero since he immediately radioed in when he was not feeling well and told Dispatch he was pulling over to get some air during his drive to Syracuse. He pulled over, told the passengers he was stepping outside for a min for air, stepped off the bus and collapsed. He had a massive heart attack and died instantly. There were 24 passengers on that bus. It could have been so much worse had he not pulled over.
It's been 3 weeks and 3 days. My heart is still broken. He was not just my dad. He was my friend. Oh how I wish I could have one more conversation with him. See him one more time. His death has really jolted me awake in a sense. Honestly, it's proof that one day you're here and then the next, you're not.
People keep telling me I will get thru this in time. Honestly, I have accepted the fact that I will never get thru this. BUT. I will learn to live my life and accept that he's gone. But right now, I am still in that disbelief stage. I refuse to let myself breakdown. I cannot believe he is gone. And no matter how much people say they know how I feel, I disagree. I appreciate everyone trying to comfort me but I feel suffocated. I just need space and time.
I also learned the hard way that in times like this, you really see who your friends are. And when people say they are there for you and will help you if you need anything, that it is not true for everyone. They're just saying that because they don't know what else to say. And that's the right thing to say, I guess. Besides the usual "I'm sorry for your loss." But I did realize how many people do love me which has been very humbling and comforting. However, I can't help but see the ones who were fake, not there and just acted like they don't care. And I hate that I am giving them airtime in my brain because I should be focusing on those who have been there. I guess this is another facet of the situation on the whole and what I am going thru. So many emotions...anger, guilt, sadness, pain and joy when I think of the memories I have. I can still hear his voice and I remember his smile.
3 weeks and 3 days...it may seem like a long time but it is not to me. I count Sundays now because he died on a Sunday. And I think I will be counting Sundays for a while. I miss my dad...I miss my friend. That is all.
Then when I felt it was ready for me to come out of my cave, BAM! My dad passed away. It was sudden and so unexpected. He called me 2 hours before his death, leaving me a voicemail to tell me some normal stuff, letting me know he was on his way to Syracuse and would call me later (he was a driver for Greyhound). Then I got the call that I don't wish anyone to get. My step-mom telling me that he had a heart attack while he was on the road and he didn't make it.
He has been celebrated as a hero since he immediately radioed in when he was not feeling well and told Dispatch he was pulling over to get some air during his drive to Syracuse. He pulled over, told the passengers he was stepping outside for a min for air, stepped off the bus and collapsed. He had a massive heart attack and died instantly. There were 24 passengers on that bus. It could have been so much worse had he not pulled over.
It's been 3 weeks and 3 days. My heart is still broken. He was not just my dad. He was my friend. Oh how I wish I could have one more conversation with him. See him one more time. His death has really jolted me awake in a sense. Honestly, it's proof that one day you're here and then the next, you're not.
People keep telling me I will get thru this in time. Honestly, I have accepted the fact that I will never get thru this. BUT. I will learn to live my life and accept that he's gone. But right now, I am still in that disbelief stage. I refuse to let myself breakdown. I cannot believe he is gone. And no matter how much people say they know how I feel, I disagree. I appreciate everyone trying to comfort me but I feel suffocated. I just need space and time.
I also learned the hard way that in times like this, you really see who your friends are. And when people say they are there for you and will help you if you need anything, that it is not true for everyone. They're just saying that because they don't know what else to say. And that's the right thing to say, I guess. Besides the usual "I'm sorry for your loss." But I did realize how many people do love me which has been very humbling and comforting. However, I can't help but see the ones who were fake, not there and just acted like they don't care. And I hate that I am giving them airtime in my brain because I should be focusing on those who have been there. I guess this is another facet of the situation on the whole and what I am going thru. So many emotions...anger, guilt, sadness, pain and joy when I think of the memories I have. I can still hear his voice and I remember his smile.
3 weeks and 3 days...it may seem like a long time but it is not to me. I count Sundays now because he died on a Sunday. And I think I will be counting Sundays for a while. I miss my dad...I miss my friend. That is all.
Ladies (and Gentlemen too!), fashion is one thing but taking care of your skin and having a nice beauty regimen is necessary in looking fabulous. Keeping it real, I'm 40 and do not look my age at all. Some of it is genetic but most of it comes from me being on my game when it comes to beauty care. Plus, I drink lots of water, don't smoke, and I stay moisturized. So with that said, here's my top 10 beauty must-haves:
1. Philosophy’s The Microdelivery Exfoliating Wash
I have very sensitive dry skin. I’m allergic to Dove soap…that’s how bad it is. I love Philosophy products. This is a great cleanser that is light enough to be used daily but it exfoliates and gets rid of the dead skin cells. That’s a must if you want to have great skin. Like I said, I’m 40 years old so my face and skin speak for itself.
Available at Philosophy.com, $15 - $55
2. Crest 3D White Advanced Vivid Toothpaste
Second to my hair, my teeth are pretty important. When I saw the commercial where Crest boasts that this toothpaste can whiten your teeth in 14 days, I said “Yeah, right!”. But while at Walmart, I'm looking at the box and this woman comes up to me and tells me how great the toothpaste is. That it really did whiten her husband’s teeth in 2 weeks. So whether or not, Miss Thang was a secret Crest employee, I was sold. I paid $3.27 on sale at Walmart. And I am still using it to this day. It does work and I love it. Coffee drinkers rejoice!
Available at Walmart, Target and various drugstores, $3 - $4
3. Nivea A Kiss of Smoothness Hydrating Lip Care, SPF 4
I don’t wear a lot of makeup and I hate having dry lips so lip care with SPF is key for me. For years, I swore by Vaseline Lip Therapy (cherry flavor). I used to get it at the $1 store by the sack, lol. Then one day, I was in the checkout line at Walmart and saw this on the counter next to the candy. I picked one up and have been using it ever since. It’s costs a little more than Vaseline Lip Therapy but I am so in love with it that I am willing to pay an extra $1-$2. It goes on smooth and has no taste. I hate those lip balms that leave a bad taste in your mouth, yuck. I also came across a Buy 1, Get 1 Free coupon in the magazine All For You. So keep your eye out for coupons in All For You, First, Woman's Day and etc.
Available at Walmart: $2.87, Walgreens, CVS: $2.99
4. Carol’s Daughter Almond Cookie Shea Soufflé
This stuff smells soooo good and it moisturizes so well. This works especially well on my hands, which gets so dry especially in the winter. I love the fact that it’s made from all natural ingredients…shea butter, cocoa butter, sweet almond oil, and jojoba oil. It’s a bit pricey for me but I signed up for their emails and when they have coupons available, I’m on it. I stocked up last month when they did a 40% off their entire site promo.
Available at Carol's Daughter: 4oz, $13
5. Neutrogena Make-up Remover Cleansing Towelettes
I do wear light makeup occasionally and I am obsessed with keeping my skin clean. So I love these towelettes when removing my makeup at the end of the day. They’re gentle so I don’t breakout and they moisturize too. Secret save tip: CVS and Walmart sell their version/brand of these towelettes for about $2-3 cheaper.
Available at CVS: $7.99 (CVS brand: $5.99)
6. Philosophy The Supernatural Poreless, Flawless SPF Tinted Primer
I have pale skin and I tend to burn so I always wear sunblock. I came upon this product on Philosophy and decided to give it a try. It’s a moisturizer, has SPF and is tinted. It’s great to wear under my foundation or sometimes I wear it alone. It goes on light and I just love how it evens out my skin tone. I sometimes have red patchy areas so this makes my skin look great. It’s kind of pricey so I usually stock up when I have a coupon. Plus, despite the tube being small, it lasts a long time because you don’t have to use too much to cover your face.
Available at Philosophy.com: $30
7. GVP Products
I was turned on to the GVP line at Sally Beauty by my hairdresser. GVP stands for Generic Version Product and basically they are the generic versions of expensive products. It’s basically beauty knockoffs and I love it! For example, there’s a GVP version of Nexxus Humectress Conditioner (GVP is $5.99, Nexxus is $22). When you look at the ingredients, it’s the same. You’re really just paying more for the Nexxus name. They even have a GVP flat iron that is comparable to a CHI. I’m a recessionista so I have no problem buying GVP items. And from what I heard, these products are used in beauty salons. Yes, Girl. And you probably didn’t even know the difference!
There are two GVP items that I swear by. First, I love the GVP Leave-in Treatment, which is the generic version of Sebastian Potion 9. This is a great leave-in conditioner that I put in my hair right after I wash it. I blow-dry my hair straight so this makes my hair silky and bouncy. The other item is the GVP Mega Shaping Spray, which is the generic version of Sebastian Shaper Mega Hair Spray. I swear by this hair spray because while it gives your hair some hold, it does not make it stiff so you can continue to style your hair and it stays in place. You can buy these products online or in your nearest Sally Beauty store. And secret tip, if you know a hairdresser, they get a 10% discount. Shhhh…. ;)
Available at Sally Beauty:
GVP Leave-in Treatment 6.8oz: $5.00 (compare to Sebastian Potion 9, 5.1oz $13)
1. Philosophy’s The Microdelivery Exfoliating Wash
I have very sensitive dry skin. I’m allergic to Dove soap…that’s how bad it is. I love Philosophy products. This is a great cleanser that is light enough to be used daily but it exfoliates and gets rid of the dead skin cells. That’s a must if you want to have great skin. Like I said, I’m 40 years old so my face and skin speak for itself.
Available at Philosophy.com, $15 - $55
2. Crest 3D White Advanced Vivid Toothpaste
Second to my hair, my teeth are pretty important. When I saw the commercial where Crest boasts that this toothpaste can whiten your teeth in 14 days, I said “Yeah, right!”. But while at Walmart, I'm looking at the box and this woman comes up to me and tells me how great the toothpaste is. That it really did whiten her husband’s teeth in 2 weeks. So whether or not, Miss Thang was a secret Crest employee, I was sold. I paid $3.27 on sale at Walmart. And I am still using it to this day. It does work and I love it. Coffee drinkers rejoice!
Available at Walmart, Target and various drugstores, $3 - $4
3. Nivea A Kiss of Smoothness Hydrating Lip Care, SPF 4
I don’t wear a lot of makeup and I hate having dry lips so lip care with SPF is key for me. For years, I swore by Vaseline Lip Therapy (cherry flavor). I used to get it at the $1 store by the sack, lol. Then one day, I was in the checkout line at Walmart and saw this on the counter next to the candy. I picked one up and have been using it ever since. It’s costs a little more than Vaseline Lip Therapy but I am so in love with it that I am willing to pay an extra $1-$2. It goes on smooth and has no taste. I hate those lip balms that leave a bad taste in your mouth, yuck. I also came across a Buy 1, Get 1 Free coupon in the magazine All For You. So keep your eye out for coupons in All For You, First, Woman's Day and etc.
Available at Walmart: $2.87, Walgreens, CVS: $2.99
4. Carol’s Daughter Almond Cookie Shea Soufflé
This stuff smells soooo good and it moisturizes so well. This works especially well on my hands, which gets so dry especially in the winter. I love the fact that it’s made from all natural ingredients…shea butter, cocoa butter, sweet almond oil, and jojoba oil. It’s a bit pricey for me but I signed up for their emails and when they have coupons available, I’m on it. I stocked up last month when they did a 40% off their entire site promo.
Available at Carol's Daughter: 4oz, $13
5. Neutrogena Make-up Remover Cleansing Towelettes
I do wear light makeup occasionally and I am obsessed with keeping my skin clean. So I love these towelettes when removing my makeup at the end of the day. They’re gentle so I don’t breakout and they moisturize too. Secret save tip: CVS and Walmart sell their version/brand of these towelettes for about $2-3 cheaper.
Available at CVS: $7.99 (CVS brand: $5.99)
6. Philosophy The Supernatural Poreless, Flawless SPF Tinted Primer
I have pale skin and I tend to burn so I always wear sunblock. I came upon this product on Philosophy and decided to give it a try. It’s a moisturizer, has SPF and is tinted. It’s great to wear under my foundation or sometimes I wear it alone. It goes on light and I just love how it evens out my skin tone. I sometimes have red patchy areas so this makes my skin look great. It’s kind of pricey so I usually stock up when I have a coupon. Plus, despite the tube being small, it lasts a long time because you don’t have to use too much to cover your face.
Available at Philosophy.com: $30
7. GVP Products
I was turned on to the GVP line at Sally Beauty by my hairdresser. GVP stands for Generic Version Product and basically they are the generic versions of expensive products. It’s basically beauty knockoffs and I love it! For example, there’s a GVP version of Nexxus Humectress Conditioner (GVP is $5.99, Nexxus is $22). When you look at the ingredients, it’s the same. You’re really just paying more for the Nexxus name. They even have a GVP flat iron that is comparable to a CHI. I’m a recessionista so I have no problem buying GVP items. And from what I heard, these products are used in beauty salons. Yes, Girl. And you probably didn’t even know the difference!
There are two GVP items that I swear by. First, I love the GVP Leave-in Treatment, which is the generic version of Sebastian Potion 9. This is a great leave-in conditioner that I put in my hair right after I wash it. I blow-dry my hair straight so this makes my hair silky and bouncy. The other item is the GVP Mega Shaping Spray, which is the generic version of Sebastian Shaper Mega Hair Spray. I swear by this hair spray because while it gives your hair some hold, it does not make it stiff so you can continue to style your hair and it stays in place. You can buy these products online or in your nearest Sally Beauty store. And secret tip, if you know a hairdresser, they get a 10% discount. Shhhh…. ;)
Available at Sally Beauty:
GVP Leave-in Treatment 6.8oz: $5.00 (compare to Sebastian Potion 9, 5.1oz $13)
GVP Mega Shaping Spray 10 fl oz: $9.49 (compare to Sebastian Shaper Mega Hair Spray, 10.6 fl oz $17 - 20)
8. Vaseline Cocoa Butter Deep Conditioning line
I love the products in this line from Vaseline. The lotion is great…very light and moisturizing. The body oil is great. It’s all great, lol. AND very affordable. You can find them at Walmart, Target, CVS, and even on Amazon.com.
Cocoa Butter Extra Care Deep Conditioning Cream, $4.29, Drugstore.com
Cocoa Butter Deep Conditioning Lotion, $5.24 on sale, CVS.com
Cocoa Butter Vitalizing Gel Body Oil, $5.62 on sale, CVS.com
Cocoa Butter Soothing Body Butter, $12.19, Amazon.com
9. PedEgg Pro Pedicure Foot File
I usually don’t do many infomercial products (Pajama Jeans, really?) but I love my PedEgg. It really works. I also use a pumice stone in the shower but not all the time. The PedEgg makes a whole world of difference. I mean, who wants rough feet. ‘Nuff said.
I have the old one without a handle but I have heard the new one is great too.
Available at Drugstore.com:
Without the handle: $6.99
With the handle: $12.99
10. Bath & Body Works PocketBac Sanitizing Gel
I live in NYC and use the subway often. There are so many germs from touching the poles, doors, etc. Also, just being out and about, you forget what you’re touching and then you touch your face or other areas and don’t realize it (yikes). So I am become a fan of anti-bacterial gel. Bath & Body Works has this great product that is not only anti-bacterial gel but also moisturizes and smells good. I buy the travel sizes (usually they’re 5 for $5) and always have one in my purse while I’m on the go. I love the Peach Bellini and Fresh Market Apple scents. So you are killing germs and making your hands smell good and feel soft at the same time. Love it!
Available at Bath & Body Works (online and in-store): $1.50 for 1 or 5 for $5
So what are your beauty must-haves?
I think Anthony Bourdain has the best job ever. He gets to travel all over the world, eat all kinds of great food AND be on TV. I yearn to trade places with him for a day, preferably when he visits Brazil, Italy or Mexico. A girl can dream, can't she?
March 2002 - Herman, Ralph and I went to Paris. While there, we did a day trip to Versailles. This picture was taken in what is like the "backyard" of Versailles, lol. Can you imagine???
That trip to Paris was a hot mess. It rained the entire time we were there and I got sick with the flu and spent a day in bed. The Louvre was closed due to a strike so I couldn't see the Mona Lisa and the Seine River was overflowing due to the rain so no boat tour. But all in all, it was a great trip with my boys.
One of my most favorite memories is this pic...it's something you will never forget.
Back in October, I was lucky enough to win VIP tickets to Full Figured Fashion Week(end) in Los Angeles courtesy of Sonsi and Lips, Hips and Fatshion Tips, a blog run by the beautiful Stiletto Siren. It was such a great event where I met so many amazing people like Stiletto Siren herself, plus size models Rosie Mercado and Fluvia Lacerda, my girls from the Fashion Plus 3 blog, blogger and plus size model Nichole Nikstar Smith, designer Celes Harvey of Sassi Rebel Clothing, Plus Model Magazine Editor Madeline Figueroa Jones and others.
Well, apparently, that prize was the prize that keeps on giving. In mid-December, as I sat in Macy’s, Christmas shopping with a friend, I got an email informing me that I won the $300 shopping spree from Evans that was being promoted during FFF Week(end). ::flatlines:: Yes, I almost passed out in the shoe department as my homegirl Carmen was trying on boots.
Now for those of you who don’t know me, I love Evans. No, let me rephrase that…I FREAKING LOVE EVANS. When I went to London last March, I hit up the Evans store in Marble Arch and must have spent about $400. For me to spend any kind of money like that, you know it’s a big deal. I loved my shopping experience there so much that as soon as I got home, I placed another order with them online and then wrote a store review on Madison Plus. It was that serious for a fashion recessionista such as myself. Because you know I bought like half the store for my $400, lol. I bought so many things on sale that I needed to buy a second suitcase while in London. I bought a few pairs of shoes, belts, bags, accessories, on top of the clothes I picked up. Things that I have such a hard time finding in the US. Bags with longer straps, pretty belts, and shoes galore!
Evans is a great store that I wish was available in the US. It’s hard for me to find shoes here because I am in between widths and size. Sometimes a 9 is tight and a 9 ½ is too loose. Evans offers 3 types of widths and their shoes are very generous in length. I have yet to try a pair of their boots but I hear they are awesome. I still have my Evans gladiator sandal wedges on a pedestal in my room. I always wanted a pair and could not find a pair that would fit me, width-wise. Thank you Evans!
So I submitted my list of items to Evans yesterday and cannot wait for them to arrive! Soooo excited. Here’s some of the items I picked...feel free to shop my look and we’ll all look fabulous together, lol.
Red V Neck Top
Hamnett(R) Choose Life Tee
Black and White Print Jacket
Grey Rouched Coat
Black Ponte Pencil Skirt
Black Jersey Side Jeggings
Grey Leopard Print Tights
Black Stud Trim Hip Belt
Funny how Day #4 falls on a night where we are in the midst of a snowstorm, lol. It's been snowing all day in NYC and will continue throughout the night until tomorrow morning. We're expected to get 6-9 inches. Ugh.
So this is why the sky doesn't look too dark. Snow everywhere!
So this is no big surprise to people who know me or follow me on Facebook. I love GLEE! I never miss an episode. Anything with music and singing, I love.
Now this is not my #1 favorite show, surprisingly. Survivor holds that title. But since it is a reality show, there isn't just one cast. But to honor one of my husbands, Jeff Probst, here's his pic too, lol.
((Tried to post last night but I had uploading issues))
Herman has been my best friend for 14 years. He is someone who knows me 100% and accepts me, bad and good. He is probably the only friend I have that I trust 100%. We have had our moments but during our entire 14 yr friendship, we have only had 2 big fights. And there were over something so minor but yet we both were in such emotional states that it made the fights seem HUGE. What counts is that we made up and got over ourselves, lol. Herman has taught me a lot about myself and that is the best gift anyone can give you. A friend that you can grow with and learn from at the same time while not growing apart from you. That is a blessing. He and I have traveled the world together...he has been there for me during my darkest moments and he has celebrated my best moments. I can never see my life existing without him in it. Yeah, I'm pretty lucky and blessed.
1. Growing up, I had a love for fashion and for law enforcement. So I could not make up my mind on what I wanted to be when I grew up. A fashion designer, an FBI agent specializing in forensics or a lawyer? Ironically, I ended up as none of the above. But my love for those careers tends to show itself in my life regularly. I love fashion, will visit a law library just to read and am obsessed with crime shows like the 1st 48 and Forensic Files. I still idolize Clarice Starling from Silence of the Lambs ‘til this day.
2. I could eat bread and cheese pretty much all the time and not get sick of it. Love it.
3. The worst bathroom I have ever seen was the Po Lin Monastery outside of Hong Kong. My best friend Herman loves to tell the story because he knows how much of a clean freak I am and the look on my face was hysterical. All I will say is imagine a hole in the floor, open stalls and no toilet paper. Yeah, that’s it in a nutshell. One of my best quotes ever...upon seeing the sinks OUTSIDE of the bathroom, I looked over to my friend Barbara and said, “This doesn’t look good.”
4. When I was a teenager, I was obsessed with music and clubbing. My dad was strict so I was in the house a lot. But periodically, I’d sneak out and hit the clubs. First club I ever went to was Studio 54 when I was 14 in 1984. I still managed to never do drugs and maintain decent grades. I just loved to hear the music and dance.
5. I call my bedroom the Audrey room. Yes, my obsession with Audrey Hepburn is a bit much but I don’t care. That’s my girl.
6. My second favorite to Audrey is Grace Kelly. Every time I watch Rear Window, I cannot take my eyes off of her outfits and I just stare at how graceful and confident she moves. To me, she and Audrey are the epitome of what a lady should be. They were beautiful but humble…they were genuine, smart and confident. And they didn’t need to show their bodies to get attention.
7. I have always yearned to be a mom. I was gifted with the second best thing...a niece who is like a clone of me, Savana. That’s us in the pic above. I was lucky enough to be chosen as her godmother and I take that seriously.
8. I’m a gadget girl. They’re like shiny toys to me. I just got one of those flip video cameras for Christmas and I cannot stop playing around with it, lol.
9. I love movies where there is a strong female action lead. I get giddy at the thought of watching Kill Bill and yearn for my own yellow Adidas track suit and Hattori Hanzo sword. I have watched Aliens so much that I can recite every line from memory and plan to name my first born daughter Ripley. LOL
10. My longest relationship was 8 years long. And he was my first serious boyfriend at the age of 18. That was a learning experience since I was late in the dating game.
11. Every time the movie The Way We Were comes on, I burst into tears. It’s one of the saddest movies I have ever seen. I hate that there was not a happy ending.
12. My first job was at Woolworth’s when I was 16. And it was one of those Woolworth’s with a soda fountain. I only made $3.35 an hour, which was minimum wage back in 1987.
13. I’m allergic to shellfish, Chapstick and Dove soap. Weird, I know.
14. To this day, everytime I hear the music from the Mr Softee ice cream truck, I stop in my tracks and have to resist the urge to yell out "Mom! Mr Softee is here!". I feel like I am 8 again, waiting for my mom to throw money (wrapped in foil) out the window and yelling out at me to get a vanilla milkshake for my dad.
15. Needy, clingy people turn me off. I’m the type of person that likes to be alone at times and not be bothered. While I do have the gift of gab, I have my times where I am quiet and just taking in everything. Which is funny, since I have such an outgoing personality and consider myself an extrovert. The only friend I talk to almost daily is my BFF Herman. My friend Marie says I am a low-maintenance friend, lol. So those people who require constant contact usually do not like being my friend. I am lucky enough to have a circle of friends who get that and it works. Usually, if we go weeks without speaking, when we do speak, it’s like no time has lapsed. We do all keep in contact in some form be it email, Facebook or even a text. And I feel so blessed to have those great friends in my circle who get me.
"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." - Anatole France
It’s the first day of the year. And on this day is the start of new beginnings. 2010 what? Who? Man, just reflect and release! It’s done. Start over. Let’s start this year off by being kind to ourselves. Stop the self-loathing and love yourselves as much as we can. Who cares what people say? Those people can kick rocks. You don’t like me because I’m fat. Too freaking bad. There I said it. Life is too short to be worrying about the naysayers.
One of my favorite songs to get ready to is “Dress You Up” by Madonna. There’s nothing like getting dressed and doing your hair while listening to some Madonna, lol. Let me tell you...Madonna is one of my heroes. She has been with me since the 80’s and has helped me in accepting me in all my weirdness and uniqueness. She made me feel okay with putting blonde streaks in my hair or letting out the hem in my jeans (to fray them) when it wasn’t cool back in the 80’s. She is the queen of reinvention and say what you will about her, we can learn a thing or two from Homegirl.
We can dress to the hilts but if we don’t feel right on the inside, whatever you wear on the outside doesn’t matter. You can wear a beautiful dress but the look of unhappiness with yourself will show through regardless. You have to dress yourself up on the inside first with love. When you don’t love yourself on the inside, usually you don’t care how you dress yourself on the outside. are uncomfortable with wearing pretty clothing or will wear the same type of style and be afraid to change it up.
I remember when I was in LA back in October and my friend Donna and I were going to Trader Joe’s. I walk out the house and she says to me, “We’re only going to the supermarket!” Not that I had a ball gown on but I was put together...hair in place, nails and feet done, makeup on, pretty sandals on, my nice hand bag, you get the picture. Now if I didn’t love myself or care, honestly, I’d probably roll out of bed and go to the store looking a hot mess. Not that I am high maintenance because I don’t wear a lot of makeup and etc. But it’s all about caring about you and taking the time to dress yourself up. Doing it for you and not the public. For me, I just like to feel pretty.
So I know that Madonna song is all about her dressing some dude up with her love but to me, it represents dressing yourself up in your love. Because we all know that when you love yourself, no one or nothing will rob you of your swagger. You will own the streets...walk with your head up high and that confidence will radiate from you and onto to others. It’s infectious. You will inspire others without knowing it.
It happened to me in London last year. I was in Harrod’s of all places and this woman comes up to me and says, “Love your hair color, your shoes, your style! I just had to come over and tell you.” Now this woman gushing over me had to be a size 2 and she was rocking a Chanel bag and boots, not to mention the most beautiful leather coat I had ever seen. Head to toe, fabulous. Meanwhile, I’m standing there with my leopard print ballerina flats from Payless that I paid $10 for, a black trenchcoat, jeans, a sweater and a brown alligator croc cross-body bag I got from Target for $5. My hair, at the time, was a strong burgundy red, lol.
She and I ended up getting a cup of coffee and having a great conversation about fashion, self image and body love. She confided that sometimes she thinks she’s fat (::flatlines::) and that when she saw me, walking around all confident, it really made her stop in her tracks. You just never know who you will inspire. That was one of those humbling moments for me that I will never forget. Especially since I was walking around, paying no mind to anyone staring at me and whatnot.
Here is someone who I perceive as thin and she thinks she is fat and hates herself. Self-loathing knows no size. I told her that she has to learn to love herself first. And be happy and comfortable in her body. She then asked me how to do that. My answer: Believe in your beauty. When you believe in something, it’s amazing how it can come true. Belief is everything. If you don’t believe in yourself, how are you supposed to succeed? You have to believe you can do it in order to do it. Make sense? So if you believe in your beauty, you see yourself differently in the mirror.
Self-loathing is just you believing you are not beautiful...believing you are something you’re not. Once you believe in your beauty, nothing can hold you back.
Now no one is perfect. But at the same time, you have to love you, flaws and all. Don’t pretend to be someone else because you’re perfect just the way you are. You have to be okay with you. And it all hinges on that belief that you are YOU and you are beautiful.
Once you have that belief and are dressing your soul with love, then you will dress your outer shell with more confidence. You will take fashion risks, which sometimes may not work. I speak from experience. (Go away, white coat, banish from my past! lol) But what matters is that you were fearless enough to take the risk. Honestly, you may surprise yourself by finding out you can actually wear certain things that you didn’t have the guts to before.
For example, if you’re confident enough to wear those leggings, you can work it. I have heard so many folks say how fat girls can’t wear leggings. Well, I’m here to break that stereotype. I rock leggings with a sweater and some boots and I know I look good. Same with skinny jeans. It’s all about finding that balance on what looks good on your body versus what you feel comfortable wearing, which depends on your confidence.
I know that low rise jeans do not work for me. Neither does light color jeans. I hate muffin tops and am not above wearing some spanx so that doesn’t happen. But at the same time, I don’t have a flat stomach. I embrace that and you best believe when I walk out the door, I’m put together.
In the end, fashion and self-love go hand in hand. We need to work it from the inside out. So ladies, the next time you’re getting dressed, try listening to Madonna’s Dress You Up. You don’t have to go crazy like me, dancing and singing around my room unless you want to. But let me know how you feel after. If that song does not get you pumped and all giddy, I don’t know what will.
Happy New Year Beautiful People!
#1 Affirmation for 2011: I believe in my beauty!
It’s the first day of the year. And on this day is the start of new beginnings. 2010 what? Who? Man, just reflect and release! It’s done. Start over. Let’s start this year off by being kind to ourselves. Stop the self-loathing and love yourselves as much as we can. Who cares what people say? Those people can kick rocks. You don’t like me because I’m fat. Too freaking bad. There I said it. Life is too short to be worrying about the naysayers.
One of my favorite songs to get ready to is “Dress You Up” by Madonna. There’s nothing like getting dressed and doing your hair while listening to some Madonna, lol. Let me tell you...Madonna is one of my heroes. She has been with me since the 80’s and has helped me in accepting me in all my weirdness and uniqueness. She made me feel okay with putting blonde streaks in my hair or letting out the hem in my jeans (to fray them) when it wasn’t cool back in the 80’s. She is the queen of reinvention and say what you will about her, we can learn a thing or two from Homegirl.
We can dress to the hilts but if we don’t feel right on the inside, whatever you wear on the outside doesn’t matter. You can wear a beautiful dress but the look of unhappiness with yourself will show through regardless. You have to dress yourself up on the inside first with love. When you don’t love yourself on the inside, usually you don’t care how you dress yourself on the outside. are uncomfortable with wearing pretty clothing or will wear the same type of style and be afraid to change it up.
I remember when I was in LA back in October and my friend Donna and I were going to Trader Joe’s. I walk out the house and she says to me, “We’re only going to the supermarket!” Not that I had a ball gown on but I was put together...hair in place, nails and feet done, makeup on, pretty sandals on, my nice hand bag, you get the picture. Now if I didn’t love myself or care, honestly, I’d probably roll out of bed and go to the store looking a hot mess. Not that I am high maintenance because I don’t wear a lot of makeup and etc. But it’s all about caring about you and taking the time to dress yourself up. Doing it for you and not the public. For me, I just like to feel pretty.
So I know that Madonna song is all about her dressing some dude up with her love but to me, it represents dressing yourself up in your love. Because we all know that when you love yourself, no one or nothing will rob you of your swagger. You will own the streets...walk with your head up high and that confidence will radiate from you and onto to others. It’s infectious. You will inspire others without knowing it.
It happened to me in London last year. I was in Harrod’s of all places and this woman comes up to me and says, “Love your hair color, your shoes, your style! I just had to come over and tell you.” Now this woman gushing over me had to be a size 2 and she was rocking a Chanel bag and boots, not to mention the most beautiful leather coat I had ever seen. Head to toe, fabulous. Meanwhile, I’m standing there with my leopard print ballerina flats from Payless that I paid $10 for, a black trenchcoat, jeans, a sweater and a brown alligator croc cross-body bag I got from Target for $5. My hair, at the time, was a strong burgundy red, lol.
She and I ended up getting a cup of coffee and having a great conversation about fashion, self image and body love. She confided that sometimes she thinks she’s fat (::flatlines::) and that when she saw me, walking around all confident, it really made her stop in her tracks. You just never know who you will inspire. That was one of those humbling moments for me that I will never forget. Especially since I was walking around, paying no mind to anyone staring at me and whatnot.
Here is someone who I perceive as thin and she thinks she is fat and hates herself. Self-loathing knows no size. I told her that she has to learn to love herself first. And be happy and comfortable in her body. She then asked me how to do that. My answer: Believe in your beauty. When you believe in something, it’s amazing how it can come true. Belief is everything. If you don’t believe in yourself, how are you supposed to succeed? You have to believe you can do it in order to do it. Make sense? So if you believe in your beauty, you see yourself differently in the mirror.
Self-loathing is just you believing you are not beautiful...believing you are something you’re not. Once you believe in your beauty, nothing can hold you back.
Now no one is perfect. But at the same time, you have to love you, flaws and all. Don’t pretend to be someone else because you’re perfect just the way you are. You have to be okay with you. And it all hinges on that belief that you are YOU and you are beautiful.
Once you have that belief and are dressing your soul with love, then you will dress your outer shell with more confidence. You will take fashion risks, which sometimes may not work. I speak from experience. (Go away, white coat, banish from my past! lol) But what matters is that you were fearless enough to take the risk. Honestly, you may surprise yourself by finding out you can actually wear certain things that you didn’t have the guts to before.
For example, if you’re confident enough to wear those leggings, you can work it. I have heard so many folks say how fat girls can’t wear leggings. Well, I’m here to break that stereotype. I rock leggings with a sweater and some boots and I know I look good. Same with skinny jeans. It’s all about finding that balance on what looks good on your body versus what you feel comfortable wearing, which depends on your confidence.
I know that low rise jeans do not work for me. Neither does light color jeans. I hate muffin tops and am not above wearing some spanx so that doesn’t happen. But at the same time, I don’t have a flat stomach. I embrace that and you best believe when I walk out the door, I’m put together.
In the end, fashion and self-love go hand in hand. We need to work it from the inside out. So ladies, the next time you’re getting dressed, try listening to Madonna’s Dress You Up. You don’t have to go crazy like me, dancing and singing around my room unless you want to. But let me know how you feel after. If that song does not get you pumped and all giddy, I don’t know what will.
Happy New Year Beautiful People!
#1 Affirmation for 2011: I believe in my beauty!
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