Powered by Blogger.
“Fashion is the armor to survive the reality of everyday life.” ~ Bill Cunningham
Fall is one of my favorite seasons. It represents change and transition to me. It's a great season to recharge and reflect, in preparation of Spring, which to me represents renewal.
The summer was tough for me with my brother passing away on May 30 so I spent much of the summer, just trying to deal with my grief and trying to be somewhat upbeat. The love affair that I was having with myself came to a halt and honestly, it was hard to just leave the house.
With the arrival of Fall, it was a welcome change that made me happy and hopeful for the future. My grief and pain still remain but fashion has a way of lifting your spirits, especially if you are wearing something you love. Even if it's a pair of jeans and sneakers. When you wear something you love, it shows. For me, Fall days = Happy days.
I love wearing jackets, boots and denim and Fall is all about that. I love leopard print everything and to me, Fall is the perfect season for leopard print, even though leopard print pieces are one of those fashion staples that are seasonless.
I attended a luncheon for OneStopPlus on my birthday, of all days (August 19) and attendees were asked to take part in a style challenge. All we had to do was go to the racks of clothes that OSP set up and create an outfit. Of course, I gravitated to the leopard print wrap dress and then saw a denim moto jacket that I thought would look perfect with it. After the challenge, OSP surprised us by saying they would send us the outfit we created. YES! I didn't own a leopard print dress so I was so happy. Happy birthday to me!
This outfit screams Fall to me. I love denim and I love moto jackets so I was excited to now own a denim moto jacket. I have never been a fan of wrap dresses but this one is a faux wrap so I don't stress about it coming undone and me having an "accident". You tie a wrap dress wrong and you're in trouble.
I wanted to go simple with accessories since the dress can stand on its own. So I just paired the dress and jacket with some black boots (also from OSP), some simple hoop earrings, my usual everyday bracelets and my Thick Chick necklace.
Leopard print faux-wrap dress (gifted): OneStopPlus (FYI, the print offered is slightly different)
Denim moto jacket (gifted): OneStopPlus
Comfortview® Signature Sole "Madison" wide shaft scrunch bootie: OneStopPlus
Thick Chick necklace (gifted): Candy Strike
(necklace is no longer available but you can visit Everyday is Like Halloween and get a custom necklace made)
Earrings, bracelets (my own)
The jacket has some stretch to it and fit well. My only gripe is that the sleeves are kind of long. I folded them in a bit to make them shorter. They're hard to alter since there's a zipper at the end of the sleeves. I have average arms so this was strange to me. I also have large upper arms and the sleeves fit well, which I was so happy about. That is my main issue when shopping for jackets.
I love the length of the dress. It falls below the knee, not quite mid-calf. I think that length works for this dress especially if you want to wear boots with it and wear it in the colder months. I've worn this dress twice already this season and love it. It has stretch and the fabric is lightweight and flows nicely with you. It's comfortable. The tie belt is a bit long, even after tying it up but that can be fixed with some scissors and a little hand stitch at the bottom of it.
With Fall here, I am feeling happier. It's something about the crisp air, fall foliage and the change of seasons that calms me. Fashion has definitely lifted my spirits and helped me get back into this love affair with myself. Wearing things I love makes me want to get out there and conquer the world so if a simple jacket or leopard dress can do that, I am all for that. Life is short and we have to enjoy the moments but to do that, you have to put yourself out into the world. Why not do that and be fashionable and comfortable? When you're happy, it shows and happiness is contagious. So wear what you love this season and live! That's my mantra this Fall and beyond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please check out what my fellow Ahead of the Curve Bloggers have to say about Fall fashion by clicking HERE.
We are a plus size blogging collective that comes together once a month to post on a fashion theme. Stay in the know with Ahead of the Curve by liking us on Facebook and follow us on Instagram as Ahead_of_the_Curve_Bloggers.
“Let today be the day you love yourself enough to no longer just dream of a better life; let it be the day you act upon it.” ~ Steve Maraboli
Houndstooth dress and shrug: Lane Bryant
Gladiator sandals: Evans
Pearl earrings: Betsey Johnson
“I am powerful in my love for myself. The truth of my being is I love myself exactly as I am. I honor my empowered heart.” ~ Amy Leigh Mercree
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I love dresses and prints. And one of my favorite prints is houndstooth. I don't know why but something about houndstooth grabs me and I just love it. I love how it has been translated into more than just a black and white print. I have seen it fused with animal print, polka dots, vibrant colors and even paired with faux leather, which gives it an edge that I love.
Who knew a little houndstooth dress could change my life? Well, it did.
Recently, I was asked to host an event for plus size fashion retailer Lane Bryant. They were holding events in various stores, celebrating teachers and offering them a discount in-store. I was so excited because (1) I have never been asked to host anything before and (2) I was asked to host the event happening at Lane Bryant's flagship store in NYC. So this was a pretty big deal to me.
Of course, I had to wear Lane Bryant to the event so off I went to shop for an outfit. And in that dressing room, to my surprise, I stepped out of my comfort zone. All thanks to houndstooth.
See, I never wear dresses that are above the knee. We all have parts of our body we don't like very much and for me, it's my legs. I love dresses but I always do below the knee or mid-calf lengths. I envy those plus size women who can rock a mini skirt or body con knee length skirt. Their legs are smooth, roll-free and look great. No varicose veins or swollen ankles. I would love to know what they do to achieve this. I walk a lot and am active. But my legs, while they have gotten me all around the world, were not pretty in my eyes.
But what I learned in that dressing room is that sometimes we get in our own head and make the situation bigger than it is. We tend to notice things that others don't. We become our own worst enemy and critic. And I realized I was being ridiculous.
I tried on this dress first:
**6th & Lane Belted Lace Dress can be found here. I'm 5'7" and I'm wearing a size 26.**
This was out of my comfort zone because it was knee-length AND sleeveless. OH BOY, I thought the store was going to cave in. Let's not even talk about my battle with loving my upper arms, which I call my wings.
So I text this picture to a few friends and all of them said I looked great. Hmmm...these are friends who will let me know if I look a hot mess or not. So I was surprised that they all agreed.
Then I tried on the houndstooth dress. This dress was hidden on a rack and I saw a sliver of it as I glanced at the rack. As I pulled it out from the rack, I fell in love with it until... I saw it was knee length. Just as I was putting it back, something told me to try it on anyway.
I actually had a conversation with myself in the dressing room because I LOVED how it looked on me and I felt comfortable. But, um, my legs are showing!!! I had to tell myself that if I loved it, I had to go for it. Isn't that what being fearless is all about? So I bought it and wore it to the event. I also bought the first dress, too!
Gladiator sandals: Evans
Pearl earrings: Betsey Johnson
Now I did wear a shrug... baby steps, people. And my best friend told me he is tired of my "grandma" shrug. So that is my next project. Going sleeveless.
I believe everything happens for a reason. The hosting opportunity from Lane Bryant allowed me to be visible and step out from behind the laptop and it also allowed me to step out of my comfort zone. I would have never ended up in that dressing room and in that houndstooth dress if it weren't for this hosting gig. So thank you, Lane Bryant!
My legs are a part of me. And if I am on this quest to fully love myself, that means loving my flaws, too. When we don't love ourselves fully, we hinder ourselves from our full potential.
To think, this whole time, I could have been rocking so many fabulous dresses that I passed on by because of the length. And my legs have done so much for me in my life. They take me places I have never seen. They make it possible for me to see the world.
I'm a work in progress but all of these baby steps out of my comfort zone are making me feel so powerful and centered in who I am. And it was all due to a little houndstooth dress.
Added bonus: I had a date who picked me up after the event for dinner. He took one look at me and said "WOW, you look beautiful! And you have amazing legs." Well, alrighty then!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please check out what my fellow Ahead of the Curve Bloggers have to say about houndstooth, tweed and plaid this month by clicking HERE.
We are a plus size blogging collective that comes together once a month to post on a fashion theme. Stay in the know with Ahead of the Curve by liking us on Facebook and follow us on Instagram as Ahead_of_the_Curve_Bloggers.
On this crazy, adventurous, fearless road of fashion I am on, I am discovering all sorts of new things about myself. I'd like to think I am open-minded when it comes to fashion but I have realized that old habits die hard. We don't realize it when we are younger but the rules we are told as we are growing up become ingrained in our minds to the point where I personally feel like I was unintentionally brainwashed.
My mom is pretty out there when it comes to her style and I LOVE it. She still wears a red lip at 66, stays dripped in gold jewelry and loves her animal print. But she is obsessed with black because of that old fashion rule that black makes you look slimmer. Now that is true but I don't want to be stuck in a "black" rut because I am a big girl.
I have learned that you can look slimmer in other colors. Colors are not what make you look larger than you are. I personally think it's the fit of your clothes, down to the length and silhouettes you choose that affects your "look". But you have to choose what you feel comfortable in. Some girls don't mind showing their lumps and rolls and I say to that YOU GO GIRL. At the end of the day, I want to wear what I want to wear and not feel like I have to wear a certain color simply because it slims me. I don't want to be limited in fashion and no one should be.
But for some reason, I still shied away from color. Which is weird considering my love for prints. Anyway, I took a chance and ordered this blue dress from eShakti, a retailer I love because not only do they offer sizes 0 - 36W but they also offer a custom option, which I almost always go for. My bust is about 10 inches smaller than my hips, I have large upper arms, a belly and a small waist that's about 5 inches smaller than my bust so being able to customize a garment is a dream come true. You can even customize the length, the sleeves and remove the pockets. Yes, their dresses have pockets!
I call myself a freak of nature because my measurements are wacky. I also have large calves but smaller ankles and small hands but large wrists. It's strange but I digress...
I received the dress and initially thought it would not look good on me at all because of the color. But once I put it on, I fell in love with it. And after seeing my pictures of me wearing it, I fell in love even more. Blue turned out to be my color, after all...
I also found another blogger who wrote about this dress and I loved her take on it. She wore her dress with bright pink shoes! LOVE! You can see that here.
Side note: I also think my red hair with blond highlights goes well with the blue. It always amazes me how different hair colors also play a part in what colors look best on me. I change up my hair color often so for me, it's a fun way to experiment with wearing different colors and it pushes me out of my fashion box when it comes to trying new pieces. It keeps me out of that fashion "black" hole.
This dress is a keeper and I am still amazed at the fact that I thought blue wasn't "my" color.
My mom is pretty out there when it comes to her style and I LOVE it. She still wears a red lip at 66, stays dripped in gold jewelry and loves her animal print. But she is obsessed with black because of that old fashion rule that black makes you look slimmer. Now that is true but I don't want to be stuck in a "black" rut because I am a big girl.
I have learned that you can look slimmer in other colors. Colors are not what make you look larger than you are. I personally think it's the fit of your clothes, down to the length and silhouettes you choose that affects your "look". But you have to choose what you feel comfortable in. Some girls don't mind showing their lumps and rolls and I say to that YOU GO GIRL. At the end of the day, I want to wear what I want to wear and not feel like I have to wear a certain color simply because it slims me. I don't want to be limited in fashion and no one should be.
But for some reason, I still shied away from color. Which is weird considering my love for prints. Anyway, I took a chance and ordered this blue dress from eShakti, a retailer I love because not only do they offer sizes 0 - 36W but they also offer a custom option, which I almost always go for. My bust is about 10 inches smaller than my hips, I have large upper arms, a belly and a small waist that's about 5 inches smaller than my bust so being able to customize a garment is a dream come true. You can even customize the length, the sleeves and remove the pockets. Yes, their dresses have pockets!
I call myself a freak of nature because my measurements are wacky. I also have large calves but smaller ankles and small hands but large wrists. It's strange but I digress...
I received the dress and initially thought it would not look good on me at all because of the color. But once I put it on, I fell in love with it. And after seeing my pictures of me wearing it, I fell in love even more. Blue turned out to be my color, after all...
Shoes: Lane Bryant (no longer available), similar one from 6pm.com here.
I also found another blogger who wrote about this dress and I loved her take on it. She wore her dress with bright pink shoes! LOVE! You can see that here.
Side note: I also think my red hair with blond highlights goes well with the blue. It always amazes me how different hair colors also play a part in what colors look best on me. I change up my hair color often so for me, it's a fun way to experiment with wearing different colors and it pushes me out of my fashion box when it comes to trying new pieces. It keeps me out of that fashion "black" hole.
This dress is a keeper and I am still amazed at the fact that I thought blue wasn't "my" color.
Finding My Inner Fashionista: Rediscovering Myself in Fashion and Body Acceptance
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
As someone who is in the plus size fashion industry, I have to admit that it has been a challenge to truly be myself fashion-wise. I say this, because this industry can be intimidating if you are not ready for it and it's so easy to feel inadequate and compare yourself to other bloggers and people in the industry. You have to have a thick skin and be confident in what you do. Not many will admit this but I have no problem going there because like I have said many times, my main focus is always to keep it real with myself and others.
I'm surrounded by beautiful models, a boss who always looks glam even on an off day, stylists and plus size fashion bloggers who walk to the corner store, looking like they are going to a Vogue cover shoot.
Now with my job (Blog Editor for The PLUS Model Magazine blog), I am mostly behind the scenes and rarely seen. I'm a writer and most times, writers are people who create wonderful stories and are mostly known by their name being shown as the author of an article or piece and a small avatar where only your head is shown. And sometimes, that's not a bad thing, lol.
But when I am seen at events, I tend to freak out because I just don't know what to wear. And that throws me off because I feel like I can't wear what I want to wear because my style is not considered on the level of a "fashionista".
Most in the industry have a stereotypical view on what a fashionista is and there are many who fit this image so this stereotype is accepted with no question. And let's not get started on the fact that bloggers that are above a size 24 are a minority and rarely seen in major campaigns in magazines, retailer websites and etc. So here I am, a size 26 and I don't walk around looking flawless, wearing crop tops and mini skirts, carrying a Chanel bag and having someone professionally take my pictures daily. I don't have a personal hairstylist or makeup artist either.
This has made me ask myself out loud many times...what about the rest of us? Those of us every day women who are living normal lives, on our hustle mode daily and don't have the income to even look at a Chanel bag because we have bills to pay and others to take care of. Those of us with 9-5 jobs, who grind daily. Those of us whose style does not match the imposed idea of what a "fashionista" should look like.
I happen to love sneakers, especially high tops. retro ones, girly ones and printed ones. I'm not a heels girl at all. I love to wear jeans when I can find a pair that actually fits. I love graphic tees, cardigans, leopard print, boots, moto jackets...hell, any jacket. I just love jackets. I love statement coats (when I can find them in my size). I love exposed zippers, crazy prints, long tunics and crossbody bags. I hate feeling uncomfortable and bulky. I'm a traveler and like to be able to glide around the world without too much baggage. I don't like wearing necklaces too much but I love Betsey Johnson earrings, pearls, hoop earrings and silver bangle bracelets. I love dresses especially print ones. I love to dress up sometimes and be very girly but prefer to be dressed casually with an edge on a daily basis. And I don't see anyone my size that dresses like me out there in the industry. I used to think that was a bad thing but now, not so much.
I have learned that it's okay to be different. It's great to look to others for inspiration but you have to stay true to yourself in everything, not just fashion. Because I have learned that people can see when you're uncomfortable, not feeling 100% confident, feeling inadequate or trying to be something you're not. You may think you conceal it well but honestly, it always shows. Body language says a lot about a person. And life is too short to not feel comfortable in your own skin and wear what you love.
I don't aspire to fit someone else's idea of what a fashionista is. I aspire to break the rules and be me, which means being my own version of a fashionista. I believe we all are fashionistas in our own right - if you know your style and live it/breathe it, you are a fashionista. Fashion is about expressing yourself with your style. It's about making a statement about who you are with what you wear. It's another way for us to have our voices heard.
As a plus size woman, every time I step out of the house, I am an activist. By living in a body that society tells me is unhealthy, ugly and disgusting, and daring to go outside and live my every day life, I am giving society the middle finger. Add dressing nice to that or wanting to be fashionable and wear what you want to wear, and you truly become a walking billboard for body acceptance. Whenever a plus size woman does something that goes against what stereotypes have been set by society, we are being activists. It's not just fashion. It's being active, eating healthy, traveling...shit, having fun. Some people think that if you're fat, you're miserable. How could you possibly be happy in a big body? Trust, you can. I didn't choose to be an activist but honestly, I'm all for breaking rules and proving to the world that I can do anything I set my mind to. I'm all for the Big Girl Revolution and fully support it.
My days of feeling inadequate are over. I used to feel some kind of way of always being overlooked in this industry because of my size and my style. But, a dear friend said to me once, "You're here because you're meant to be here." And I tell myself that every time I walk into a room or an event. Not everyone will like me and believe me, the blogger world can be clique-ish but I don't need to be a part of a clique nor do I need to try hard to be accepted. I'm here because I am meant to be here.
I may not get chosen to be in a campaign alongside other bloggers, I may not get invited to every event and I may not be as visible as others in this industry. It is what it is. But what counts is that I am comfortable with who I am and am embracing my style, despite being told by the masses that my style is not fashionable. No one's opinion matters except for my own.
And I have learned that even when you think no one notices you, someone is always watching. :-)
Blazer: Lane Bryant, Top: Evans Jeans: Avenue, Shoes: Payless |
Now with my job (Blog Editor for The PLUS Model Magazine blog), I am mostly behind the scenes and rarely seen. I'm a writer and most times, writers are people who create wonderful stories and are mostly known by their name being shown as the author of an article or piece and a small avatar where only your head is shown. And sometimes, that's not a bad thing, lol.
But when I am seen at events, I tend to freak out because I just don't know what to wear. And that throws me off because I feel like I can't wear what I want to wear because my style is not considered on the level of a "fashionista".
Most in the industry have a stereotypical view on what a fashionista is and there are many who fit this image so this stereotype is accepted with no question. And let's not get started on the fact that bloggers that are above a size 24 are a minority and rarely seen in major campaigns in magazines, retailer websites and etc. So here I am, a size 26 and I don't walk around looking flawless, wearing crop tops and mini skirts, carrying a Chanel bag and having someone professionally take my pictures daily. I don't have a personal hairstylist or makeup artist either.
Dress: Torrid, Cardi: Lane Bryant, Boots: OneStopPlus, Leggings: Eloquii, Bag: Evans |
I happen to love sneakers, especially high tops. retro ones, girly ones and printed ones. I'm not a heels girl at all. I love to wear jeans when I can find a pair that actually fits. I love graphic tees, cardigans, leopard print, boots, moto jackets...hell, any jacket. I just love jackets. I love statement coats (when I can find them in my size). I love exposed zippers, crazy prints, long tunics and crossbody bags. I hate feeling uncomfortable and bulky. I'm a traveler and like to be able to glide around the world without too much baggage. I don't like wearing necklaces too much but I love Betsey Johnson earrings, pearls, hoop earrings and silver bangle bracelets. I love dresses especially print ones. I love to dress up sometimes and be very girly but prefer to be dressed casually with an edge on a daily basis. And I don't see anyone my size that dresses like me out there in the industry. I used to think that was a bad thing but now, not so much.
Maxi dress: Ashley Stewart |
I don't aspire to fit someone else's idea of what a fashionista is. I aspire to break the rules and be me, which means being my own version of a fashionista. I believe we all are fashionistas in our own right - if you know your style and live it/breathe it, you are a fashionista. Fashion is about expressing yourself with your style. It's about making a statement about who you are with what you wear. It's another way for us to have our voices heard.
Dress, Leggings & Blazer: Fashion to Figure |
My days of feeling inadequate are over. I used to feel some kind of way of always being overlooked in this industry because of my size and my style. But, a dear friend said to me once, "You're here because you're meant to be here." And I tell myself that every time I walk into a room or an event. Not everyone will like me and believe me, the blogger world can be clique-ish but I don't need to be a part of a clique nor do I need to try hard to be accepted. I'm here because I am meant to be here.
I may not get chosen to be in a campaign alongside other bloggers, I may not get invited to every event and I may not be as visible as others in this industry. It is what it is. But what counts is that I am comfortable with who I am and am embracing my style, despite being told by the masses that my style is not fashionable. No one's opinion matters except for my own.
And I have learned that even when you think no one notices you, someone is always watching. :-)
"Thick Chick" necklace: Candy Strike (one of the few necklaces I love), Jacket and dress: OneStopPlus |
I swear, 2014 has been the year of the EX.
But it depends on the situation. I have some exes where I "used" to think the breakup wasn't bad enough for a cut-off. But after this year, I have come to realize that I was discounting myself by letting those men back into my life. When you know your worth and keep it real with yourself, the honest truth may hurt but shit, it will help you to make yourself a better person. And that's all most of us want, right?
I know to some, summer ended with Labor Day but in NYC, we were in the 90s last week so for me, the summer ended today with the start of cooler, more fall-like weather.
Fall is my favorite season with Spring a close second. I think they are my faves, not only because of the perfect balance of weather (not too cold, not too hot), but because they represent change and renewal. Fall is about change and Spring is about renewal. I love seeing the leaves change color and the weather getting cooler where I can bust out my jackets. Yes, I am a self-confessed jacket whore. I love how a jacket can transform an outfit. But I digress.
This summer was tough but it was a time of rediscovery for me. I lost my brother Danny just before the summer started and honestly, that loss was pivotal for me. Whereas my dad's death three years ago taught me the lesson of not wasting time and taking life for granted, my brother's death taught me the lesson of letting go. Tears are falling as I write this and that can't be helped. His death is still painful for me but I take it one day at a time.
Fall is my favorite season with Spring a close second. I think they are my faves, not only because of the perfect balance of weather (not too cold, not too hot), but because they represent change and renewal. Fall is about change and Spring is about renewal. I love seeing the leaves change color and the weather getting cooler where I can bust out my jackets. Yes, I am a self-confessed jacket whore. I love how a jacket can transform an outfit. But I digress.
This summer was tough but it was a time of rediscovery for me. I lost my brother Danny just before the summer started and honestly, that loss was pivotal for me. Whereas my dad's death three years ago taught me the lesson of not wasting time and taking life for granted, my brother's death taught me the lesson of letting go. Tears are falling as I write this and that can't be helped. His death is still painful for me but I take it one day at a time.
“Don’t make fashion own you, but you decide what you are and what you want to express.” – Gianni Versace
I love polka dots.
As a matter of fact, I love prints in general. If you peeked in my closet, you'd see an array of prints and a handful of solid color pieces, which are usually vibrant colors. I have loved prints since I was a kid. It's just something about the patterns and colors meshed together. I always look at a printed piece of clothing as a work of art and a way to be fearless in fashion. Prints are something that almost every woman has struggled to wear because of what we think will happen once we walk out the door. It's not just a "big girl" thing. My thinner sisters have felt it, too. People can be critical and cruel with their words, while thinking they are offering sound advice. And sometimes we do care what others think, when really we shouldn't.
Some people believe prints are unflattering and "ugly". But lately prints have been becoming popular and more women are embracing prints as a trend. Which is good news to me because now there are so many prints to choose from, that I am beside myself. LOL
Haven't blogged in a while because honestly, while the words were in my head, I couldn't write them down. I just couldn't. Writing them down and putting them out into the universe for all to see would make them real. What happened was real, but I am still having a hard time coming to grips with it.
My little brother, my only brother is gone. Three years after my dad passed, I have now lost my brother. He was 40. He was my mother's only son, my only brother and a husband and father to three young girls. My youngest niece Angel is 8. When I look at her, I want to cry. She doesn't understand what an impact Danny's death will have on her. I lost my dad when I was 41 and I was devastated. I can't even imagine how it would be, had I grown up without him in my life. To lose your dad at the age of 8 just seems so cruel to me. But you can't change the circle of life. We all have an expiration date and sometimes that date comes sooner than we think it will.
Danny was in the hospital for 11 days in a coma that he never woke up from. I had 11 days to sit by his side but I didn't know that those 11 days were time given to me by a higher power so I can prepare myself to say goodbye. I didn't get that with my dad. His death was so shocking and sudden. I always wondered how it would have been had I gotten a chance to see and talk to him before he died. Now I know that time doesn't mean a thing. The pain is still great and you still don't want to let go.
I spend 9 out of those 11 days still believing Danny would wake up. I fought with the doctors and was so angry because I felt like they were not giving his body a chance to heal. I didn't want to hear that his chances were low to none and that there was no brain activity. I did research on NY State law when it came to comatose patients and removing the ventilator. I took notes every time a doctor or nurse spoke to us. I reached out to friends who were medical professionals to ask questions. I read about other cases that were similar to my brother. I averaged about 3 hours of sleep every night during that time and sometimes forgot to eat. My focus was on saving my brother.
I refused to give up on him because that was my brother. I just couldn't give up on him. I was his big sister and it was my responsibility to look out for my brother and protect him. I was even prepared to go to jail because if the doctors decided to call it and pronounce him brain dead and take him off the ventilator, I was going to start a scene at the hospital and not let them get anywhere near him.
And to think, some distant family members thought we were being intimidated by doctors and were pleading with us in Facebook messages and texts that we should not pull the plug. Little did they know that we did not want to give up on him. I didn't want to give up on him. We put the TV on to ESPN so he could hear it. I had hoped hearing a Yankees game would help him wake up. I recorded my nieces and my sister-in-law held my phone near his ear to replay them, because we hoped hearing his daughters would make him wake up. Lots of friends and family came by the hospital talking to him. We sat at his bedside for 11 days.
On Day 9, was the turning point for me. My mom and I were sitting in the waiting room as they did some chest x-rays on my brother. I turned to her and asked her, "Do you think Danny is gone?" My mother looked at me with such a calm but sad face and said, "Yes." I looked at her in disbelief. She then said:
"You have to let him go. He's at peace. Danny suffered his whole life. He was born with bad asthma and always sick. As an adult, he never caught a break. He could never find the job he desired and always worked like a dog to support his family. He took care of his daughters and always put everyone else first. He never got to really rest, sleep and relax. He was never truly at peace. Now he's resting and doesn't have to suffer anymore. He gets to spend time with Daddy. And that comforts me."
I was shocked. Here is a woman who is watching her only son, lay in a coma and she is able to let him go. She put aside her own feelings of losing her son and was instead looking at this situation from another angle...what is best for Danny. She went on to talk about the other option...would my brother want to be in a hospital bed for years, hooked to machines because we want to keep him alive?
I saw my mom in a different light that day. I saw who I get my strength from. And that was when I knew I had to accept whatever the outcome was. The next day, the doctors declared him brain dead and we were allowed one more day to sit with him because he was an organ donor so they had to keep him on the ventilator until he went to the OR to get his organs removed.
I got a few opportunities to say goodbye to my brother (at the hospital, at the funeral home, at the service and at the cemetery). But honestly, it was not enough. I still look at the door sometimes, thinking he's going to walk through it. I cry at least 3 times a day. It just feels like the scab on an old wound has been ripped away. I was just coming to terms with my dad being gone and now this.
Life is so short. That's why we have to appreciate the present moments. We have to make better choices with how we spend that time. If you love someone, tell them. Make sure you smile and laugh daily. Take some chances in life without worrying about the outcome. Don't put things off until tomorrow. Live in the moment. Appreciate those people in your life that support you and believe in you. Make time for them, even if it's just a phone call. Because you might miss that chance and never get a second one.
Life is short and time is valuable. Use it wisely. That is something my dad used to always say. I can hear him whispering that in my ear on a daily basis. With my brother gone, it has become more than a whisper. It has become my life's mission. The men in my life are gone. And they were the two best men I knew. So again, I embark on this journey of grief, looking at the world differently. No more procrastination. I feel anxious, wanting to make sure I make every minute worth it.
I wrote the following passage on Facebook the other day and it is one of the most authentic things I have ever written and sums up my present state perfectly:
"It's hard to understand loss. You often wonder why you have to experience such great losses in life. But I have learned that some questions will never be answered and what is most important in life is acceptance. Acceptance and surrendering to what is. I used to think acceptance and surrendering meant giving up. But honestly, you have to let go to keep moving on. Doesn't mean you're giving up. You're just trying to live. Today was a hard day and I know there will be other hard days ahead. But there will be good days, too. In the last month, I have lost not only my only brother, but other significant things and people, too. All happening at once. But on a daily basis, I tell myself that I am strong and I can get through anything because my dad often said so throughout my whole life. He told me that I can do whatever I set out to in life and my strength knows no bounds. "I am a rock and nothing can knock me down." You say that enough times to yourself and you begin to believe it, breathe it and live it. That is one of the many things my dad has left behind in his legacy within me and it has come in so handy now with the loss of my brother and everything else. It's hard to be positive and not give up when it seems like nothing is going right. But because of my dad always speaking life into me and encouraging me to live with an open heart, to always pursue my dreams, be happy and have a desire for adventure, that life is what I cling to with everything I have. It keeps me hopeful that things are going to turn around soon. They have to and they will. I won't accept anything less than that. I didn't realize how strong I was until I saw that no matter what was thrown at me, I could not be knocked down nor did it take away my positive spirit. I am so thankful for that strength. Thank you, Lord."
In times of great loss, you grow. You learn. You change. This I know. But right now, I am missing my little brother so much it hurts.
To read more about what happened to my brother, here's some links:
http://redhookstar.wordpress.com/2014/05/31/red-hook-resident-dies-after-delayed-ambulance-response-by-george-fiala/
http://redhookstar.wordpress.com/2014/06/10/daniel-cruz-remembered-in-funeral-service-by-george-fiala/
My little brother, my only brother is gone. Three years after my dad passed, I have now lost my brother. He was 40. He was my mother's only son, my only brother and a husband and father to three young girls. My youngest niece Angel is 8. When I look at her, I want to cry. She doesn't understand what an impact Danny's death will have on her. I lost my dad when I was 41 and I was devastated. I can't even imagine how it would be, had I grown up without him in my life. To lose your dad at the age of 8 just seems so cruel to me. But you can't change the circle of life. We all have an expiration date and sometimes that date comes sooner than we think it will.
Danny and his girls |
I spend 9 out of those 11 days still believing Danny would wake up. I fought with the doctors and was so angry because I felt like they were not giving his body a chance to heal. I didn't want to hear that his chances were low to none and that there was no brain activity. I did research on NY State law when it came to comatose patients and removing the ventilator. I took notes every time a doctor or nurse spoke to us. I reached out to friends who were medical professionals to ask questions. I read about other cases that were similar to my brother. I averaged about 3 hours of sleep every night during that time and sometimes forgot to eat. My focus was on saving my brother.
I refused to give up on him because that was my brother. I just couldn't give up on him. I was his big sister and it was my responsibility to look out for my brother and protect him. I was even prepared to go to jail because if the doctors decided to call it and pronounce him brain dead and take him off the ventilator, I was going to start a scene at the hospital and not let them get anywhere near him.
And to think, some distant family members thought we were being intimidated by doctors and were pleading with us in Facebook messages and texts that we should not pull the plug. Little did they know that we did not want to give up on him. I didn't want to give up on him. We put the TV on to ESPN so he could hear it. I had hoped hearing a Yankees game would help him wake up. I recorded my nieces and my sister-in-law held my phone near his ear to replay them, because we hoped hearing his daughters would make him wake up. Lots of friends and family came by the hospital talking to him. We sat at his bedside for 11 days.
On Day 9, was the turning point for me. My mom and I were sitting in the waiting room as they did some chest x-rays on my brother. I turned to her and asked her, "Do you think Danny is gone?" My mother looked at me with such a calm but sad face and said, "Yes." I looked at her in disbelief. She then said:
"You have to let him go. He's at peace. Danny suffered his whole life. He was born with bad asthma and always sick. As an adult, he never caught a break. He could never find the job he desired and always worked like a dog to support his family. He took care of his daughters and always put everyone else first. He never got to really rest, sleep and relax. He was never truly at peace. Now he's resting and doesn't have to suffer anymore. He gets to spend time with Daddy. And that comforts me."
I was shocked. Here is a woman who is watching her only son, lay in a coma and she is able to let him go. She put aside her own feelings of losing her son and was instead looking at this situation from another angle...what is best for Danny. She went on to talk about the other option...would my brother want to be in a hospital bed for years, hooked to machines because we want to keep him alive?
I saw my mom in a different light that day. I saw who I get my strength from. And that was when I knew I had to accept whatever the outcome was. The next day, the doctors declared him brain dead and we were allowed one more day to sit with him because he was an organ donor so they had to keep him on the ventilator until he went to the OR to get his organs removed.
I got a few opportunities to say goodbye to my brother (at the hospital, at the funeral home, at the service and at the cemetery). But honestly, it was not enough. I still look at the door sometimes, thinking he's going to walk through it. I cry at least 3 times a day. It just feels like the scab on an old wound has been ripped away. I was just coming to terms with my dad being gone and now this.
Life is so short. That's why we have to appreciate the present moments. We have to make better choices with how we spend that time. If you love someone, tell them. Make sure you smile and laugh daily. Take some chances in life without worrying about the outcome. Don't put things off until tomorrow. Live in the moment. Appreciate those people in your life that support you and believe in you. Make time for them, even if it's just a phone call. Because you might miss that chance and never get a second one.
The last picture I took with my brother and my mom - Mother's Day 2014 |
I wrote the following passage on Facebook the other day and it is one of the most authentic things I have ever written and sums up my present state perfectly:
"It's hard to understand loss. You often wonder why you have to experience such great losses in life. But I have learned that some questions will never be answered and what is most important in life is acceptance. Acceptance and surrendering to what is. I used to think acceptance and surrendering meant giving up. But honestly, you have to let go to keep moving on. Doesn't mean you're giving up. You're just trying to live. Today was a hard day and I know there will be other hard days ahead. But there will be good days, too. In the last month, I have lost not only my only brother, but other significant things and people, too. All happening at once. But on a daily basis, I tell myself that I am strong and I can get through anything because my dad often said so throughout my whole life. He told me that I can do whatever I set out to in life and my strength knows no bounds. "I am a rock and nothing can knock me down." You say that enough times to yourself and you begin to believe it, breathe it and live it. That is one of the many things my dad has left behind in his legacy within me and it has come in so handy now with the loss of my brother and everything else. It's hard to be positive and not give up when it seems like nothing is going right. But because of my dad always speaking life into me and encouraging me to live with an open heart, to always pursue my dreams, be happy and have a desire for adventure, that life is what I cling to with everything I have. It keeps me hopeful that things are going to turn around soon. They have to and they will. I won't accept anything less than that. I didn't realize how strong I was until I saw that no matter what was thrown at me, I could not be knocked down nor did it take away my positive spirit. I am so thankful for that strength. Thank you, Lord."
In times of great loss, you grow. You learn. You change. This I know. But right now, I am missing my little brother so much it hurts.
Daniel Cruz Jr April 22, 1974 - May 30, 2014 Rest in peace, Little Brother |
http://redhookstar.wordpress.com/2014/05/31/red-hook-resident-dies-after-delayed-ambulance-response-by-george-fiala/
http://redhookstar.wordpress.com/2014/06/10/daniel-cruz-remembered-in-funeral-service-by-george-fiala/
Sometimes we don't appreciate the little things until one day we realize that those little things held a big meaning.
I dated P seven years ago. We were together for a year and even though it was a short relationship compared to my others, it is one I often reflect on because it changed my life.
It's one of those relationships that I look back on and always think of ways I could have saved it. I made a lot of mistakes, which partly led to our demise. That relationship taught me to never underestimate how a man can feel about me, even if he doesn't verbally say so. It's all about a person's actions. I'm the type of woman who wants to hear how a guy feels. P was a romantic but his gestures were subtle and sometimes, he was a quiet man who valued his space. So I didn't really notice his subtle gestures of love until now.
The grandest gesture that he did for me was one that went totally unnoticed until the day we broke up and by then, it was too late. For an entire year, he had always slept on the right side of the bed. I naturally thought that was the side of the bed he preferred, which was great for me since I always sleep on the left.
I dated P seven years ago. We were together for a year and even though it was a short relationship compared to my others, it is one I often reflect on because it changed my life.
It's one of those relationships that I look back on and always think of ways I could have saved it. I made a lot of mistakes, which partly led to our demise. That relationship taught me to never underestimate how a man can feel about me, even if he doesn't verbally say so. It's all about a person's actions. I'm the type of woman who wants to hear how a guy feels. P was a romantic but his gestures were subtle and sometimes, he was a quiet man who valued his space. So I didn't really notice his subtle gestures of love until now.
The grandest gesture that he did for me was one that went totally unnoticed until the day we broke up and by then, it was too late. For an entire year, he had always slept on the right side of the bed. I naturally thought that was the side of the bed he preferred, which was great for me since I always sleep on the left.
I love Audrey Hepburn. Everyone who knows me, know I loves me some Audrey.
I call my bedroom the Audrey room. There's framed Audrey movie posters, huge Audrey canvas I scored at IKEA and even an Audrey clock that my brother gave me for Christmas two years ago. I own two Audrey tees, an Audrey lunchbox, books and am now on a quest for some Audrey ballerina flats. My friend Donna actually found an Audrey Hepburn wine glass that she gifted me! I even have an Audrey luggage tag on my suitcase.
People often ask me, "Why do you love Audrey so much?" and it is assumed that I love her because she was and is still a fashion icon. Nope, that's not the reason. Don't get me wrong. I love her style and have mimicked it at times in my life. But what I love about Audrey so much is that she was fearless.
She had been through a lot in her life. Audrey lived in Europe during World War II, mostly in the Netherlands and her father was absent for most of her life. Her plan was to be a ballet dancer and she trained so well that by the time she was 15, she was dancing in secret for groups of people to collect money for the Dutch resistance. Her family starved and really suffered during the war. But she used her creative talents as an outlet and even drew as a way to pass the time. This is why she became so passionate in helping others and became a humanitarian later in life, becoming a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador.
After being told that she was too tall and weak to become a prima ballerina, she worked in theatre to pay the bills until she was discovered and became the wonderful actress that she is known for.
Audrey never gave up. She was a decent ballerina but that wasn't her calling. She was great at theatre but that wasn't her calling. All of these things just led her to her actual calling. I always believed that acting wasn't her true calling either. It was another step towards her true calling of being inspiring to others. Helping others through her own experiences and being able to make enough money to be able to help others too. Audrey was about love, persistence, kindness, gratitude and generosity. She was so thankful for her life, even the bad times. Because she knew there was always a lesson to be learned. And she knew how to live her life gracefully and with dignity.
So, why do I love Audrey so much? Because she was someone who I strive to be like. She had such a wonderful heart and despite all the setbacks she encountered (even in her adult life, she suffered miscarriages, failed marriages and eventually died from cancer), she always had a smile on her face and never turned away from anyone.
Her birthday was May 4, this past Sunday and I always try to have one good adventure and do three good deeds in her honor. This year was no different. People like her are rare but they make such an impact. She will always be my hero. I'll be honoring her all month because for me, May is Audrey month.
I call my bedroom the Audrey room. There's framed Audrey movie posters, huge Audrey canvas I scored at IKEA and even an Audrey clock that my brother gave me for Christmas two years ago. I own two Audrey tees, an Audrey lunchbox, books and am now on a quest for some Audrey ballerina flats. My friend Donna actually found an Audrey Hepburn wine glass that she gifted me! I even have an Audrey luggage tag on my suitcase.
My Audrey canvas in the background |
People often ask me, "Why do you love Audrey so much?" and it is assumed that I love her because she was and is still a fashion icon. Nope, that's not the reason. Don't get me wrong. I love her style and have mimicked it at times in my life. But what I love about Audrey so much is that she was fearless.
She had been through a lot in her life. Audrey lived in Europe during World War II, mostly in the Netherlands and her father was absent for most of her life. Her plan was to be a ballet dancer and she trained so well that by the time she was 15, she was dancing in secret for groups of people to collect money for the Dutch resistance. Her family starved and really suffered during the war. But she used her creative talents as an outlet and even drew as a way to pass the time. This is why she became so passionate in helping others and became a humanitarian later in life, becoming a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador.
After being told that she was too tall and weak to become a prima ballerina, she worked in theatre to pay the bills until she was discovered and became the wonderful actress that she is known for.
Audrey never gave up. She was a decent ballerina but that wasn't her calling. She was great at theatre but that wasn't her calling. All of these things just led her to her actual calling. I always believed that acting wasn't her true calling either. It was another step towards her true calling of being inspiring to others. Helping others through her own experiences and being able to make enough money to be able to help others too. Audrey was about love, persistence, kindness, gratitude and generosity. She was so thankful for her life, even the bad times. Because she knew there was always a lesson to be learned. And she knew how to live her life gracefully and with dignity.
So, why do I love Audrey so much? Because she was someone who I strive to be like. She had such a wonderful heart and despite all the setbacks she encountered (even in her adult life, she suffered miscarriages, failed marriages and eventually died from cancer), she always had a smile on her face and never turned away from anyone.
Her birthday was May 4, this past Sunday and I always try to have one good adventure and do three good deeds in her honor. This year was no different. People like her are rare but they make such an impact. She will always be my hero. I'll be honoring her all month because for me, May is Audrey month.
Last weekend, I went on a trip to DC on a whim. A friend asked me at the last minute to go and I, of course, being the adventurer I am, jumped at the chance.
I have been to DC many times over the years but I have to say, I felt like I saw the city for the first time this past weekend. It really is true that your travel partner can make a difference in how your trip turns out. I was cloud chasing in full force all weekend. The weather was beautiful and I just felt so free.
I also worked through two fears while in DC. First, I actually wore a white cropped jacket. I have not worn white since I was a kid. I have a hatred of the color white because I was always told that white makes you look fatter. That white is not flattering on a plus size body. This white jacket had been sitting in my closet for two years. I finally decided to cut off the tags and put it into fashion rotation and I LOVE IT.
Ironically, I ended up wearing a white top on Friday and Saturday. I was so bold, lol. Not sure if I'm ready for white pants yet. Baby steps, people.
I also have a fear of walking up and down steep stairs that don't have arm-rails. I fell down a flight of stairs almost 20 years ago and broke my ankle. So I have always been afraid of falling again. And I never visited the monuments in DC for that very reason. I realized this past weekend that I was missing out on something wonderful because my fear was holding me back. Walking up and down the stairs of the Jefferson Memorial on my first night of DC was such a defining moment for me. I felt stronger and more fearless. I felt like I let go and that alone was so freeing. And I got to see the sunset as I walked down the stairs.
As I always say, it's all about the adventure! And I kicked fear to the curb last weekend. Yes!
I have been to DC many times over the years but I have to say, I felt like I saw the city for the first time this past weekend. It really is true that your travel partner can make a difference in how your trip turns out. I was cloud chasing in full force all weekend. The weather was beautiful and I just felt so free.
I also worked through two fears while in DC. First, I actually wore a white cropped jacket. I have not worn white since I was a kid. I have a hatred of the color white because I was always told that white makes you look fatter. That white is not flattering on a plus size body. This white jacket had been sitting in my closet for two years. I finally decided to cut off the tags and put it into fashion rotation and I LOVE IT.
Ironically, I ended up wearing a white top on Friday and Saturday. I was so bold, lol. Not sure if I'm ready for white pants yet. Baby steps, people.
I also have a fear of walking up and down steep stairs that don't have arm-rails. I fell down a flight of stairs almost 20 years ago and broke my ankle. So I have always been afraid of falling again. And I never visited the monuments in DC for that very reason. I realized this past weekend that I was missing out on something wonderful because my fear was holding me back. Walking up and down the stairs of the Jefferson Memorial on my first night of DC was such a defining moment for me. I felt stronger and more fearless. I felt like I let go and that alone was so freeing. And I got to see the sunset as I walked down the stairs.
As I always say, it's all about the adventure! And I kicked fear to the curb last weekend. Yes!
"Are we gonna let the elevatorI've been feeling down these last couple days. My dad's anniversary is on Thursday and it feels like a full moon where everyone is acting out of character. I woke up this morning, feeling like I did not want to deal with most people and the ones that I do... well, that's a short list! lol
Bring us down, oh, no let's go
Let's go crazy, let's get nuts
Look for the purple banana
'Til they put us in the truck, let's go
All excited but we don't know why
Maybe it's 'cause we're all gonna die
And when we do, what's it all for
Better live now before the grim reaper
Come knocking on your door" ~ Let's Go Crazy by Prince (1984)
Then I remember something Joel Osteen said yesterday - we make the choice on our attitude. We can choose to be positive or we can choose to be negative. Being positive = HAPPY. Being negative = depression, defeat and just a very dark place. And then...
This Prince song came on the radio. And I started dancing around in my pajamas in my bedroom. I felt so good. And I then started shouting, "TODAY IS GOING TO BE A GREAT DAY! I CAN DO IT! I CAN GET THROUGH ANYTHING! EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT! I CAN DO IT!"
And guess what? I felt better. All because I made the choice to be positive. Oh, and acting a little crazy.
Sometimes it pays to act a little crazy...in a good way. The more I choose to think positive, the stronger I get. The less I care about what other people are doing and being accepted by others. The more I care about myself and living life to its fullest. In this positive state, I focus more on the adventure, the journey and don't focus on what's going on around me that has nothing to do with me.
I'm doing something crazy on Thursday to honor my father. And I can't wait. I'll share once it's done. :)
Being happy now means accepting life as it is RIGHT NOW and knowing that nothing is set in stone. The story continues and we choose how the next page will turn.
Happiness can exist only in acceptance. ~ George Orwell
My friend Melissa told me of this great opportunity that Amtrak is offering writers. The Amtrak Residency program allows writers to write freely as they travel on a train for a few days in their own sleeper car. Of course, I jumped at the chance to apply. I love to travel and I'm a writer. Hello!
Amtrak will choose 24 writers and as of yet, I have not heard anything but I have my fingers crossed. However, tons of people applied so I have already told myself to not be upset if I don't get it. Everything happens for a reason and I think this happened to get me writing again. The piece I wrote for Amtrak was probably one of the most vulnerable, genuine pieces I have ever written. I bared my soul in this piece.
And just in time for the third anniversary of my dad's death on April 10. Many people have asked to read it so I wanted to post it here for all to see. Please comment and let me know what you think,
Daddy, this one's for you. See you in the sky. xo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have been a cloud chaser for as long as I could remember.
My love for clouds is deeply rooted in my soul. Clouds call on my love and
yearning to be free and to explore as much as I can. As I watch them move
slowly by, I think of how free it is to be able to move that way in a vast open
space, in such a peaceful manner yet making your presence known to the world.
Taken 12/7/13 - I looked up and knew that my dad was watching over me |
Cloud chasing is part of who I am; that thrill-seeking
explorer who thrives on adventures. Adventures, for me, are simply moments
where I am fearless and authentic. I am without self-criticism and fully let
myself be vulnerable enough to let go.
My adventurous moments have been as small as dancing through the streets
of London in the rain without an umbrella and as huge as climbing twenty
flights of stairs in 105 degree weather to touch the largest seated bronze
Buddha statue in the world at Po Lin Monastery outside of Hong Kong.
Clouds are the one thing that remains constant throughout my
adventures. They are my faithful companions on my journeys throughout the
world. They keep me grounded and remind me that I will always be free and it is
always my choice on how I choose to live in that free state. I love staring at
clouds because they are the most perfect puzzle pieces I have ever seen and I
anxiously wait to see what beautiful piece of art they will form once the
pieces have been put together.
Clouds took a different meaning for me almost three years
ago when my dad died.
It was sudden. He went to work one day and as he drove, he
didn’t feel well so he told his passengers he was pulling over to the side of
the road to get some air. He died from a heart attack a few minutes later, on
the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. He was 12 miles out of Port Authority Bus
Terminal, sitting on the ground, leaning against the bus he loved to drive.
Another great cloud shot I caught by accident |
My dad was also an adventurer. In looking back, I think I
inherited that from him. He was a traveler at heart. His life had never
afforded him the opportunity to be a world traveler as he had hoped. He became
a husband, a father and a provider right out of high school and while his
dreams got derailed, he traded one dream for another, having his own family.
That didn’t mean he didn’t travel and get to be free in his
own way. Through his love of driving, he got to travel and have his own
adventures. He would often tell my brother and I the story of how he learned to
drive when he was 12 by his grandfather and never stopped.
When we were kids, my dad was a truck driver who was gone
for long periods of time. He would come home with souvenirs for us but all I
wanted was to hear of his travels. I didn’t know it at the time but he was
feeding my adventurous spirit.
Whenever we took a trip, my dad would drive. The best trip
we took was to Florida. My dad drove all the way to Orlando from Queens, New
York. We would stop periodically and my dad would always walk into a wide open
space, arms stretched out and inhale. I can still see the smile on his face.
For him, it was about the journey, too.
A shot of clouds I took in July 2013 - Lower Manhattan |
I think back to all those precious moments where my dad
continued to feed my adventurous spirit and love for travel. Whether it was us
sitting outside and watching the planes overhead, me accompanying him on one of
his truck rides or hanging out with him at the airport, my father represented
the ultimate adventurer. It made me want to see the world, just so I would have
my own stories to tell him.
And I did, later on in life, when I started to go on my own
adventures around the world. He started to live through my stories and be
inspired. My dad traveled extensively within the US and Canada but had never
been outside of North America. He would often talk about how he couldn’t wait
to retire and visit Europe.
During his lifetime, my dad almost always held a job where
he was involved in transportation. He worked as a train conductor, at the
airport, as a truck driver (again) and lastly as a bus driver.
And that is the irony of my dad’s life. He died while at
work as a Greyhound bus driver during a normal run to Syracuse, NY. He died
doing something he loved. Sure, he was driving people to their destination but
the power of being the person to transport them there and to also, be on that
journey with them was what fed his love for adventure.
When I look up at my beloved clouds, they are not puzzle
pieces to me anymore. They have a face and represent so much more. When I look
up, I see my dad, smiling down on me. I can hear his voice in my ear saying,
“Marce, the world is such a magnificent place with so many things to see and
do. It is out there, waiting for you.” I can also imagine him cloud surfing
with a big smile on his face and I can hear his laugh, so deep and infectious.
Sunset in The Rockaways, Queens, NYC |
I love sitting in a window seat of a bus or train and being
able to feel the sun beaming down on my face and looking at the wide open road
ahead. I look to the clouds now for
direction, for guidance. I look for my father. It makes me feel like he is
there with me, my constant companion on my travels.
In these moments, en route to my destination, is when I feel
most alive. And I feel so close to my dad. The loss is so great, so deep
within. The pain is always there. But the clouds comfort me. The journey
comforts me. The clouds make each day bearable and help me to adapt to life
without my dad in it. Just as Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Life is a
journey, not a destination.”
Three years ago, I lost the best person I have ever known
but I gained such a different perspective and appreciation for the journey and
the adventures that come with it. That was and still is, the best parting gift
my dad could have ever given me.
I read something on Facebook yesterday that had me giving my PC screen the side eye. I went back today to copy the status word for word but it is now gone. So I am thinking I was not the only one feeling some kind of way about his post, lol.
This guy, who is an author who is building his career on writing relationship/self-help books geared mainly towards women, wrote something about women who say they are single by choice. He wrote that being single by choice is not possible because why would anyone choose to be single. He said we are single by chance and the status just read to me as if he were saying that women were to blame for not meeting the right guy yet and that we needed to work on ourselves and etc.
Being a single chick BY CHOICE, I was speechless. I didn't comment on the status because I learned a long time ago that everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it. You can't control what someone else thinks. You can only control how you let that opinion affect you. But that status compelled me to write about it since I am a single woman, again, BY CHOICE.
Let me just say first, that this guy is a great writer and many things he does say are valid and inspiring. He's a very spiritual and intelligent guy. I even own his book. But I have to disagree with him on this one.
Now, it's true, why would anyone choose to be alone when honestly, most of us do want love in our lives. I know I do. But...When I say I am single by choice, what I am saying is that I choose to not just be with anyone. I choose to be with someone that I think is worthy of me and vice versa. To me, being single by choice means knowing your self-worth and not settling for just anything or anyone that comes along. When you settle for any old thing, that is what you will attract and get. I believe when you know your self-worth, are doing your thing and living your life for YOU and not someone else, you will attract someone who will appreciate who you are and not treat you like crap.
We always have a choice. When my ex-boyfriend, who, in my opinion, is a bully and control freak contacts me (which he does every 3-6 months), I hit delete. His number is no longer stored on my phone but he still calls and texts every so often. I just choose to not speak to him. We all have that ex in the past that we allowed into our lives. There is nothing wrong with that. But, we cannot let that person affect how we treat the next person who comes into our lives. We also can choose who we let into our lives. Our pasts don't define the choices we make today. Right in this moment.
Do I like being single? No. I want love in my life. I want to get married one day and have children.
Do I let my single status stop me from being happy? No. Life will go on regardless and time is valuable. So I am going to spend my moments doing happy things and enjoying my life, whether I am single or not.
Am I single by choice? Yes. And when that imperfect man who is perfect for me shows up in my life, I will then choose to not be single.
It's as simple as that. And there is nothing wrong with that.
One of my best friends currently made the choice to remain single for a year to find herself and live life as a single woman on her own. To me, making a choice like that is HUGE and commendable. Because you are being accountable for you and making that conscious choice to better yourself so that when that right person for you comes along, you are ready to open your heart and let love in.
So single by chance? I don't think so. I choose to be single right now, in this moment. But the beauty of having free will and making choices is that you can always change your mind according to the present situation. So, who knows? I may choose to not be single three months from now. Life is unpredictable like that. :)
It has been said that in order for good things to come into your life, you should focus on being the best person you can be. What you put out into the universe will come back to you. It's that law of attraction theory. I do believe in that but I also believe that in order for you to work on being the best person you can be, you have to do it for YOU first and not for the things you want to come into your life. They will come anyway but it really hinges on how you receive those things. If you're not ready, you won't receive them at all and miss what could be a great opportunity.
Happy moment in Canada, eating poutine |
I believe my destiny is pre-determined and I am here in this world for a reason. BUT...because of free will and the high probability that any of us can make a poor choice (hey, it happens), our journey changes and doesn't always go the way we thought it would.
What counts is having fun while on that journey. Life is a bunch of moments. We don't know how many moments we have so we have to enjoy the ones that come along as they come. Age doesn't determine where you are in your life. Your choices do. How you choose to live your life is the foundation of all choices you will make in your life. If you choose to live your life striving for happy moments and being at peace with things beyond your control, you will make choices in your life that will benefit that life, including who you allow in your life, how you feel about things and how you look at the world.
Happy moment in Paris |
My dad's sudden death redefined my
life for me because it forced me to see that life is not as guaranteed as I thought it was. It reminded me that I should not be taking life for granted.
Time is valuable, life is short. Use it wisely. Those are my dad's words and I feel like lately, I can hear him whispering those words in my ear more frequently.
My life is not perfect but I am happy. I'm happy because I'm enlightened. And my journey has changed as a result of that enlightenment. There's nothing wrong with focusing on yourself. Because that will make you a better person, friend, daughter/son, child, partner, significant other, everything. Be kind to yourself and you will be kind to others.
Never forget to always put YOU first. Your life will thank you for it and it will be the best life you could have ever lived because you truly lived and enjoyed every moment.
I absolutely love this quote from Bill Blass and always think of it when I pull a piece of red clothing to wear from my closet:
Red is one of my favorite colors and a color I happen to look fantastic in. So any chance I get, I channel my inner Lady in Red. It's something about red that gives me a fearless attitude and that extra confidence that sometimes is needed when things aren't going right. Red makes me feel bolder. It's like I have an alter ego when I wear red. I guess we can call her Audrey, lol. I usually feel like this when wearing red:
"When in doubt, wear red."
Red is one of my favorite colors and a color I happen to look fantastic in. So any chance I get, I channel my inner Lady in Red. It's something about red that gives me a fearless attitude and that extra confidence that sometimes is needed when things aren't going right. Red makes me feel bolder. It's like I have an alter ego when I wear red. I guess we can call her Audrey, lol. I usually feel like this when wearing red:
Audrey was not lying when she said there is a shade of red for every woman. And that red will have you in your own "Audrey in Funny Face" moment. I love how red makes you stand out in a room and gets you noticed. My inner Lady in Red is the epitome of fearless fashion in my life. Even as a child, I was channeling my inner Lady in Red, hand on hip and all.
For years, without even knowing it, I have been playing around with adding hints of red to my wardrobe and not just wearing a red dress once in a while. I guess subconsciously I am saying that I wanted to channel my inner Lady in Red, my alter ego, on a regular basis. We should feel bold and strive for fearless moments daily. And for me, fashion plays a big part of that. I started slowly with a classic red blazer, some red flats and shoot, even a red graphic tee. My love for Hello Kitty knows no bounds and I don't care if I'm above the age of 25 wearing an HK tee. Life is all about breaking those silly fashion rules.
Lately, I have been in a slump. I think it's mostly due to the winter season and the fact that NYC has been getting major snow and super cold temps this season. So I decided that this month, I would show myself some extra love and take myself out on some dates. It is the month of love and since I am single, I have to date myself for now. There's nothing wrong with that!
So here's some outfits I plan to rock while out on my ME dates this month...of course, I must channel my inner Lady in Red in time for Valentine's Day.
Outfit #1: Cable Sweater Dress from Jessica London. You can buy it here. Color is red ochre and I am wearing a size 26/28. I love how it fits. I will say that if you get hot and flustered fast like I do, this dress is heavy and very warm. It's appropriate for very cold weather and paired with my OneStopPlus boots and Torrid wide belt, it's a great stylish winter option to channeling my inner Lady in Red. The belt is sold out but you can buy a similar one here. My tights are actually footless pant liner shapewear from Avenue that I have had for years. So it acts as tights and shapewear. A win-win! I like to wear socks with my boots so this works for me.
Outfit #2: You may have seen this ASOS Curve dress on various plus size fashion blogs out there. I usually don't buy a piece that has been worn to death by many but I love animal print and the color red PLUS it was on sale for $27 plus an extra 20% off and free shipping, so I couldn't resist. It's a swing dress, which is not my fave silhouette for my body so I belted it with the same Torrid belt as in Outfit #1 to give it some definition and show off my waist. Same OSP boots and tights. I'm 5'7" and it hits me above the knee. I am wearing a size 22 but could have sized down to a 20. However, the upper arms fit perfect so I don't know if the 20 would have allowed my upper arms to feel comfortable. You can buy this dress here.
Outfit #3: This outfit to me is rocker chic. The dress is from Eshakti and is a stretch kind of poly crepe material with a faux leather stripe down the middle and exposed zipper. I LOVE EXPOSED ZIPPERS! I ordered a size 28 standard size but with eShakti, you can also customize your dress to your exact measurements for an additional $7.50. The faux leather jacket is from Evans and I LOVE IT. I am wearing a 26/28 and the arms fit great. It looks very luxe...some people have told me it looks like real leather! The dress is currently out of stock but eShakti is good at restocking an item if there is a great demand for it. You can sign up to get an email when it is back in stock here. You can buy the jacket here.
As you can see, I shop on a budget so I always try to pick transitional pieces I can wear season to season as well as wearing pieces in different outfits. The sweater dress is the only piece above that I can't wear year-round. But that's okay because a classic sweater dress is a staple in your closet that you can have for many years and it will never go out of style. My boots are my go-to right now and you can never have enough belts, wide and skinny. For years, I shied away from wearing belts because of that fashion rule that big girls can't wear belts. It's empowering to not only break a fashion rule but look good while doing it.
I hope you will be inspired to channel your inner Lady in Red. Go for it this month! You always have a choice in how you spend your moments. Why not spend them looking fierce and feeling confident?
Ahead
of The Curve is
a collective of plus size bloggers coming together to post on the same topic
monthly. This month, we each sharing our take on the theme of "Red
Hot" so check them out by clicking on each link:
Fatshion Peepshow: Nuclear Red Hot Hair
Color me Fatt: My "Red Hot" Moment
The Fat Girl: Feeling the Love in Igigi Polka Dots
It’s Melicious: Red, The Color of Love
Plump Up the Frock: Red Hot Remake: Too-Tight Dress To Peplum Top
Young & Thrifted: Rouge Blouse
Harper Valley TV: "Red Hot" Valentine's Day Look
Curvy is Beautiful by Mary Demetra: Red Hot Luxe: My Top Sexy, Fabulous, Gorgeous Valentine's Day Picks for the Plus Size Princess
Banner: Elizabeth Tamny
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Social Icons